THE  UNIVERSITY 


OF  ILLINOIS 


LIBRARY 


From  the  collection  of 
Julius  Doerner,  Chicago 
Purchased,  1918. 


OAK  ST.  HDSF 


MANNERS  CUSTOMS 


OF  TO-DAY. 

BY 

MRS.  SARA  B.  MAXWELL. 


What  a rare  gift  is  that  of  manners  ; Better  for 
one  to  possess  them  than  wealth,  beauty  or  talent ; 
they  will  more  than  supply  all. — Bulwer-Lytton . 


THE  CLINE  PUBLISHING  HOUSE, 

PUBLISHERS, 

Des  Moines,  Iowa,  i8go. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1890, 
By  geo.  S.  CLINE, 

In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress  at  Washington. 


Printed  and  Bound  By 
ThEj.Watters-Talbott  Printing  Co., 
Des  Moines,  Iowa. 


^gpeface.^ 


§OOD  sense  and  good  nature  suggest  civility 
in  general,  but  in  good  breeding  there  are 
a thousand  little  delicacies  which  are  established 
only  by  custom. — Lo7'd  Chesterfield. 

In  the  following  pages  most  of  the  rules  and 
many  of  the  ideas  have  been  drawn  from  rec- 
ognized authorities,  the  writer  gathering  her 
material  from  the  accessible  sources,  not  out  of 
date. 

A list  of  the  books  of  the  writers  to  whom 
she  is  most  indebted,  is  appended  at  the  end 
of  the  volume. 


700018 


>^0nteiits.-4" 


Pages, 

CHAPTER  I. 

Introduction 7 

CHAPTER  II. 

The  Family  and  the  Home 12 

CHAPTER  HI. 

Introductions 27 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Salutations 39 

CHAPTER  V. 

Visiting  and  Visiting-Cards 45 

CHAPTET  VI. 

New  Year’s  Calls 91 

CHAPTER  VII. 

Invitations,  Acceptances  and  Regrets 97 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

Dinners  and  Diners-Out 107 

CHAPTER  IX. 

At  Table 129 

CHAPTER  X. 

Breakfast,  Luncheon  and  Supper 145 

CHAPTER  XI. 

At  Home  Matinees,  and  Soirees 153 

CHAPTER  XII. 

Etiquette  of  Balls  and  Pariies_-.V_ 161 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

Chaperons 174 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

Debuts  in  Society 182 

CHAPTER  XV. 

The  Conversation  of  Society 186 


6 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  XVI.  Pages. 

Dress  - 200 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

The  Toilet 218 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

Titles,  Addresses  and  Signatures 231 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

Letters  and  Letter-Writing 246 

CHAPTER  XX. 

Marriage 255 

CHAPTER  XXI. 

The  Etiquette  of  Weddings.. 264 

CHAPTER  XXII. 

Wedding  Anniversaries 288 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 

Caudle  Parties,  Christenings  and  Biri'Hdays 295 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 

Etiquette  of  the  School-Room  302 

CHAPTER  XXV. 

Prolonged  Visits 306 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 

Servants,  Their  Dress  and  Duties 31 1 

CHAPTER  XXVII. 

Funeral  Ceremonies  and  Mourning 329 

CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

Precedence,  or  Social  Life  in  Washington 338 

CHAPTER  XXIX. 

For  Young  Women...’ 344 

CHAPTER  XXX. 

To  Young  Men 365 


CHAPTER  I. 
INTRODUCTION. 


manners  and  customs  of  a nation  indicate 
the  degree  of  civilization  which  that  nation 
_ has  attained.  Custom,  in  a legal  sense,  is 
applied  to  such  practices  as  by  long  use  have  ob- 
tained a legal  force.  Hence  custom  is  defined  as  un- 
written law  established  by  long  use  and  common 
consent,  and  antedates  written  law.  In  the  prog- 
ress of  civilization  the  development  of  the  higher 
nature  of  man  suggests  changes  of  manners  and 
customs. 

The  gradual  evolution  of  human  thought,  which 
brings  gradual  individual  freedom,  suggests  unwrit- 
ten laws  or  right  rules  of  action,  a lessening  of  sel- 
fishness, a recognizition  of  human  brotherhood,  and 
yet  with  all  our  good  feelings  and  right  intentions, 
we  may  be  extremely  awkward  in  our  deportment 
unless  culture  and  contact  with  the  world  have 
made  us  familiar  with  the  usages  of  good  society. 

A writer  in  the  North  American  Review  says: 
'‘Rules  of  human  action  are  due  to  the  contact 
and  clashing  of  men  with  men.  The  closer  men  are 
pressed  together  by  circumstances,  the  brisker  is 
their  action  on  one  another  and  the  more  rapid  the 
adjustments  of  their  relationship.  * * * 

Cities  are  the  centers  of  all  that  is  denominated 
by  civilization  as  the  name  indicates;  they  are  the 
birth  places  and  nurseries  of  civility,  urbanity  and 


8 


INTRODUCTION. 


politeness.  Among  rural  populations,  from  the 
causes  which  develop  rules  of  conduct  operating  in 
a wider  sphere,  with  less  intensit}^  and  therefore 
with  less  rapidity,  the  progress  is  naturally  slow  and 
is  mainly  effected  by  the  influence  flowing  over  from 
the  towns.”  This  is  quite  true  and  writers  on 
etiquette  usually  address  themselves  to  dwellers  in 
cities.  It  is  the  aim  of  this  book  to  reach  all 
classes,  especially  those  whose  opportunities  of 
travel,  observation  and  association  with  cultured 
people  have  been  limited,  and  whose  home  educa- 
tion and  training  have,  unhappily,  been  neglected. 
Etiquette  has  been  defined  thus:  (French,  etiquette 
a ticket  or  label  affixed  to  a bag  or  bundle  of 
papers)  originally  signified  an  account  of  ceremon- 
ies. In  modern  usuage  etiquette  denotes  the  cere- 
monial code  of  polite  life,  or  those  forms  which  are 
observed  towards  particular  persons,  especially  in 
courts,  at  levees,  and  on  public  occasions.  The 
original  sense  of  the  word  points  to  the  custom  of 
delivering  cards  containing  orders  for  regulating 
ceremonies  on  public  occasions.”  Webster  gives, 
besides  the  above,  “ the  forms  required  by  good 
breeding  or  prescribed  by  authority  to  be  observed 
in  social  or  official  life.” 

What  is  good  breeding } It  is  a synonym  of  • 
nurture,  education,  instruction,  training,  formation 
of  manners.  Lord  Chesterfield  defined  good  breed- 
ing to  be  “ The  result  of  much  good  sense,  some 
good  nature,  and  a little  self-denial  for  the  sake  of 


INTRODUCTION. 


9 


others,  and  with  a view  to  obtain  the  same  indul- 
gence from  them.” 

There  are  fine  souls  born  into  this  life,  whose 
naturally  fine  sense  of  honor  and  quick  perceptions 
guide  them  with  little  training,  but  they  are  rare 
and  the  majority  of  us  must  be  trained  to  good 
manners.  But  real  culture  does  not  spread  a pol- 
ish upon  the  outside,  but  educes  or  trains  the  inner 
traits  and  faculties,  so  that  after  all  our  outward 
acts  are  but  symbols  of  the  inner  life.  “ This  may 
be  true,”  you  say,  “but  I have  known  persons  to  be 
polite  when  I knew  that  they  hated  each  other.” 
Very  well  ; that  is  better  than  quarrelling  or  rude- 
ness, and  ninety-nine  times  in  a hundred,  this  very 
politeness  will  eradicate  the  ill  feeling  which  was 
probably  engendered  by  misunderstanding,  “ As  a 
man  thinketh  in  his  heart,  so  is  he,”  and  if  a man 
act  courteously,  even  though  he  does  not  at  first 
conscientiously  feel  it,  there  must  be  something  down 
deep  in  his  heart  which  this  courtesy  symbolizes  and 
repeated  acts  of  civility  will  open  the  flood  gates  of 
feeling  and  wash  away  the  temporarily  turbid  waters, 
and  so  even  “make  believe”  in  the  right  direction 
is  a step  towards  true  culture.  Real  civility  comes 
from  within  ; fashion  to  some  extent  from  without; 
but  even  the  latter  has  a real  foundation  and  has,  at 
least,  a precedent  in  nature  which  is  ever  changing, 

Swedenborg  says:  '‘This  is  a world  of  uses.” 

So  every  mode  has  its  use;  every  custom  has  an 
underlying  reason  for  its  observance;  when  the  rea- 


lO 


INTRODUCTION. 


son  no  longer  exists,  the  custom  changes.  For  ex- 
ample; the  old  fashioned  custom  of  drawing  off 
the  right  hand  glove  before  shaking  hands  with  a 
lady — and  which  some  gentlemen  still  practice — 
had  its  origin  in  feudal  times,  when  the  pressure  of 
the  iron  glove  would  have  been  painful.  It  is  no 
longer  generally  observed. 

In  an  article  on  “English  and  American  Man- 
ners,” in  the  Forum,  Mr.  T.  W.  Higginson  says: 
“There  are  those  who  would  assert  that  the  very 
finest  manners,  while  not  at  all  sure  to  be  developed 
in  a republic,  are  scarcely  compatible  with  any- 
thing but  a republic,  or  a nation  which  has  at  any 
rate  the  republican  spirit;  as  the  very  finest  man- 
ners applicable  to  all  classes;”  and  he  cites  the  late 
Charles  Dabney,  American  consul  for  many  years 
at  Fayal,  who  had  the  same  lofty  grace  for  every 
bare  foot  boy  that  he  had  for  princes.  He  men- 
tioned another  gentleman  “who  saluted  millionaires 
and  apple  women  with  precisely  the  same  high  bred 
courtesy.  These  men  afforded  types  of  the  very 
best  American  manners,  a manner  which  extends  to 
the  humblest  those  amenities  that  elsewhere  are 
graduated  by  the  trivial  distinctions  of  social  rank 
alone.” 

In  the  beginning  of  our  national  life  and  until  a 
comparatively  recent  date,  we  borrowed  our  man- 
ners, or  at  least  copied  them  from  the  Old  World, 
and  we  still  have  many  forms  in  common  with  the 
different  nations  of  Europe,  especially  France  and 


INTRODUCTION. 


I I 

England,  and  while  we  retain  what  is  best  for  us,  we 
are  sufficiently  advanced  as  a nation  to  have  our 
own  rules  of  etiquette.  As  native  refinement  and 
taste  have  no  reference  to  country  or  climate,  we, 
of  course,  must  have  some  rules  in  common  with 
other  countries,  but  for  the  most  part  we  are  a law 
unto  ourselves.  Realizing  that  this  is  a democratic 
country,  without  hereditary  titles  or  precedence, 
where  the  lowliest  farmer  boy  may  become  Presi- 
ident,  it  becomes  almost  a matter  of  political 
importance  that  we  shall  all  be  trained  if  not  born 
to  good  manners. 

As  we  said  in  the  beginning,  the  cities  are  the  cen- 
ters of  fashion,  but  in  the  smaller  towns  and  in  the 
country,  the  question  is  constantly  asked:  “What 

ought  I to  do.^”  in  this  case  or  in  that.  With  a 
sincere  desire  to  help  those  thus  inquiring,  this  book 
is  sent  on  its  mission,  with  a caution,  however,  that 
fashions  are  constantly  changing,  and  that  though 
New  York  City  sets  the  fashions  in  etiquette  for  the 
whole  country  except  Washington,  which  is  purely 
a political  center,  yet  different  places  differ  on  many 
points,  and  where  there  are  unsettled  questions,  com- 
mon sense  and  the  golden  rule  must  decide  them. 

It  is  to  be  regretted  that  we  have  not  fixed  so- 
ciety usages,  or  that  there  are  differences  of  opinion 
on  many  points  whose  adjustment  to  a common 
code  would  make  the  intricacies  of  social  customs 
easy,  at  least  to  those  who  have  had  the  advantages 
of  home  culture. 


CHAPTER  II. 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 

He  entered  in  his  house — his  home  no  more, 

For  without  hearts  there  is  no  home,  and  felt 
The  solitude  of  passing  his  own  door. 

Without  a welcome. — Byron.  Childe  Harold. 

Home  is  the  resort 

Of  love,  of  joy,  of  peace  and  plenty,  where 
Supporting  and  supported,  polished  friends, 

And  dear  relations  mingle  into  bliss.  — Thotnpson. 

There  is  a strange  something,  which,  without  a name, 

Fools  feel  and  wise  men  can’t  explain.  — Ck^lr chill. 

S the  family  is  the  foundation  of  society, 
we  may  be  pardoned  for  beginning,  contrary 
to  custom,  with  the  family  and  the  home. 

In  studying  the  history  of  man,  he  seems  every- 
where to  have  passed  through  the  same  progres- 
sive stages,  first  that  of  the  savage  or  hunter 
stage;  next  the  pastoral  state,  with  its  flocks  and 
herds;  then  the  agricultural  stage.  At  this  stage  our 
Aryan  ancestors  first  developed  the  elements  of  so- 
cial life.  They  “settled  down”  in  families,  and  set 
up  their  Lares  and  Penates.  The  father,  and  after 
his  death,  some  other  male  member  of  the  family, 
was  it  ruler  and  judge.  In  the  inevitable  evo- 
lution of  the  race,  the  women  sought  a better  ad- 

(I2) 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 


^3 


justment  of  her  surroundings,  though  she  played  a 
comparatively  insignificant  part  until  the  Age  of 
Chivalry. 

Says  a writer  in  the  North  American  Review : 
“The  three  great  principles  of  chivalry  were  ad- 
venturous heroism,  devotion,  and  gallantry.” 

But  the  gallantry  of  the  knight  was  something 
more  than  a graceful  and  perpetual  affection  of 
love;  it  was  a romatic  homage  rendered  to  woman 
as  to  a- being  in  some  sort  elevated  above  man,  a 
voluntary  abnegation  of  the  superiority  which  he 
had  hitherto  asserted,  and  to  some  extent,  at  least 
in  theory,  the  reversal  of  the  former  relationship 
between  the  sexes.  The  spirit  of  chivalry  pro- 
claimed that  woman  should  be  reverenced  because, 
“next  to  God  they  were  the  source  of  all  the  honor 
which  man  could  acquire.” 

A nation’s  treatment  and  estimation  of  its  women 
is  a pretty  sure  indication  of  its  advancement  in 
civilization,  just  as  the  treatment  of  the  wife  and 
mother  of  a family  tells  what  manner  of  man  the 
husband  and  father  is,  or  as  the  manners  of  chil- 
dren tell  what  sort  of  home  training  they  have  had, 
or  if  they  have  had  any  training  at  all. 

Where  the  mother  allows  herself  to  be  made  a 
household  drudge,  her  family  treat  her  the  same, — 
though  they  would  indignantly  resent  any  such  in- 
timation,— and  her  children  are  apt  to  be  selfish 
and  dependent. 


14  the  family  and  the  home. 

In  correcting  the  shortcomings  of  the  family,  or 
rather  in  laying  down  rules  for  the  ideal  family,  one 
should  begin  as  Dr.  Oliver  Wendell  Holmes  would 
with  the  education  of  a child — a hundred  years  be- 
fore it  is  born. 

We  elevate  the  brows  and  say:  “We  are  too 

busy  and  have  too  much  to  do  with  the  present  to 
look  after  the  welfare  of  our  possible  great-grand- 
children; as  for  the  ideal  family,  we  never  reach 
our  ideals,  so  what  is  the  use  bothering  about  it.^” 

Let  us  see.  There  is  a right  way  and  a wrong 
way,  or  a true  way  and  a false  way  of  doing  things; 
or  we  might  say  there  is  always  a better  way;  there 
is  always  room  for  improvement.  We  are  con- 
stantly making  new  inventions  because  we  must, 
and  groping  our  way  up  to  the  light.  The  tendency 
of  humanity  is  upward,  as  the  tendency  of  the  plant 
is  toward  the  light.  The  True  or  Truth  is  just  as 
true  to-day  4s  it  was  a thousand  years  ago,  and  will 
be  just  the  same  a thousand  years  hence. 

The  laws  of  truth  and  right  are  just  as  immutable 
as  the  laws  of  mathematics.  If  you  do  right  to-day 
the  influence  of  your  act  will  reach  your  possible 
great-grandchildren  according  to  natural  law.  We 
cannot  go  back;  we  must  go  forward. 

Many  families  will  not  need  the  words  I shall  say 
here,  but  if  among  the  many  others,  who  from  care- 
lessness, lack  of  training  in  themselves,  or  from  any 
cause,  are  doing  injustice  to  themselves  and  their 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME.  I 5 

children,  and  therefore  to  society,  there  shall  be 
some  who  are  benefitted,  I shall  not  have  had  my 
say  in  vain. 

When  the  young  husband  and  wife  set  up  their 
Lares  and  Penates,  let  them  understand  or  learn  all 
the  relations  of  their  new  mode  of  life.  Let  them 
learn  that  mere  money  getting  or  selfish  exclusive- 
ness are  not  the  sole  end  and  aim  of  life.  They 
must  realize  that  as  a new  family  they  are  a more 
important  factor  in  the  social  economy  than  before. 
As  one’s  relations  to  society  are  only  the  sum  of  his 
relations  to  the  several  members  of  it,  a knowledge 
of  the  right  relations  of  the  different  members  of  a 
family  to  each  other  is  of  the  greatest  importance 
in  its  bearing  upon  general  society. 

The  first  requisites  of  gentle  breeding  are  unsel- 
fishness, courage  and  truthfulness,  kindness  and 
fidelity  to  the  individual,  which  qualities  extended 
to  society  show  themselves  in  benevolence,  charity, 
justice  and  patriotism.  Outward  acts  are  indexes 
of  the  inner  thoughts  and  feelings. 

It  is  said  that  the  mother  moulds  the  character 
and  fixes  the  destiny  of  the  child.  This  i^  true  of 
strong  women,  but  if  you  are  at  all  observant  you 
will  notice  in  families  where  the  husband  and  father 
claims  the  prerogative  to  “rule”  that  the  children 
are  apt  to  be  like  him,  and  they  show  this,  particu- 
larly in  their  treatment  of  the  mother.  They  treat 
her  just  as  papa  does. 


1 6 THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 

There  should  be  equal  rights  in  the  family.  The 
children  should  be  taught  to  honor  father  and 
mother,  and  to  obey  implicitly  until  they  are  old 
enough  to  understand  reasons  for  so  doing.  This 
must  be  done  firmly  but  with  courteous  kindness. 
There  should  be  courtesy  between  husband  and 
wife  that  the  little  ones  may  learn  by  example  as 
well  as  by  precept.  Quiet  example  is  the  most 
powerful  influence  in  the  world.  To  illustrate:  We 
once  dined  with  a family  who  were  proverbial  for 
courtesy,  and  whose  little  ones  were  held  up  as  ex- 
amples of  good  manners  to  all  the  children  of  their 
acquaintance.  A gentleman,  a relative  of  the  fam- 
ily, happened  in;  he  ate  his  soup  noiselessly,  but 
he  buttered  a large  slice  of  bread  and  spanned  as 
much  of  it  as  possible  with  his  naturally  large 
mouth.  Little  five-year-old  Charlie  watched  every 
movement  with  interest.  The  whole  dinner  was 
bolted  in  the  same  manner;  the  only  redeeming 
thing  about  it  was  that  he  did  not  eat  with  his 
knife.  The  next  morning  at  breakfast  Charlie 
asked  permission  to  butter  his  cakes  for  himself. 
The  mother,  being  a student  of  human  nature, 
granted  the  request  and  watched  for  results.  Charlie 
took  such  enormous  mouthfuls  he  could  not  manage 
them.  He  looked  sheepishly  at  mamma,  who  asked: 
“What  is  the  matter,  Charlie.^”  “I  was  trying  to 
see  if  I could  eat  like  cousin  Ben.”  “ You  seem  to 
imitate  him  pretty  well;  do  you  like  it 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 


17 


'‘I  think  I would  after  I learned.” 

'‘Very  well;  if  you  prefer  to  eat  so,  you  may 
have  a little  table  by  yourself.  Papa  and  mamma 
and  sister  don’t  like  that  way.” 

“Forgive  me,  mamma,  I would  rather  eat  with 
the  rest  of  you.” 

But,  though  he  was  a little  gentleman  by  nature 
and  training,  it  was  several  days  before  he  could 
quite  forget  the  temptation  to  eat  like  cousin  Ben. 

Parents  have  it  in  their  power  to  mould  the  man- 
ners of  their  children  to  their  liking.  Sympathy  is 
the  foundation  of  courtesy.  A true  mother  sympa- 
thizes with  everything  that  interests  her  child,  and 
she  will  see  that  in  his  younger  years  temptation  to 
wrong  doing  is  kept  out  of . the  way.  She  will  en- 
force obedience  with  even  temper  that  she  may  not 
engender  opposition  in  the  child.  If  she  cannot 
control  herself,  she  has  no  right  to  assume  control 
over  another. 

The  home  must  be  attractive,  no  matter  if  it  con- 
tains but  one  room.  Many  a homestead  is  no  home, 
and  the  worst  possible  homesickness  is  to  be  home- 
less at  home. 

The  little  daughter  of  a landlord  was  one  day 
talking  to  the  daughter  of  one  of  her  father’s  ten- 
ants. She  said:  “This  is  not  your  house,  Annie; 

it  is  ours.” 

“Oh,  no,”  replied  Annie;  “it  is  our  house,  for  we 
live  here.” 


i8 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 


*‘No,”  insisted  the  other,  “I  know  it  is  ours,  for 
papa  said  so.” 

Annie,  who  was  but  four  years  old,  was  silent  for 
some  time;  finally  she  seemed  to  have  solved  the 
problem.  “Oh,  yes,  I know  now  how  it  is  ; it  is 
your  house  but  our  home.  Yes,  that’s  the  way  it  is.” 

Have  as  good  a house  as  you  can  afford,  but  have 
the  best  home  that  it  is  possible  for  you  to  make. 
Your  child  has  a right  to  be  well  born,  and  a right 
to  a home  where  he  can  feel  that  he  belongs  and  is 
not  in  the  way.  Yes,  more;  he  has  the  right  to 
feel  that  he  is  necessary  to  your  happiness.  With- 
out hearts  there  is  no  home.  Don’t  think  that  be- 
cause you  have  not  wealth,  or  because  you  must 
work,  you  are  obliged  to  forego  the  path  of  life 
where  flowers  grow  and  instead  plant  thorns  along 
your  way  by  neglecting  the  amenities  of  a courteous 
behavior. 

Poverty  is  no  bar  to  good  breeding,  even  if  it 
should  deprive  you  of  much  society.  And  even  so- 
ciety will  admit  you  if  you  have  personal  merit  to- 
gether with  the  manners  of  a lady  or  a gentleman. 
One  has  said:  “It  (poverty)  ever  has  been  and 

will  continue  to  be  the  great  training  school  for 
human  endeavor,  the  severe  but  benignant  nurse  of 
every  fortifying  virtue.”  The  children  of  wealth 
seldom  achieve  greatness.  Material  plenty  and 
peace  of  mind  are  seldom  conducive  to  any  kind  of 
endeavor.  While  a competence  is  necessary  to 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 


19 


perfect  relief  from  anxiety  and  riches  desirable,  this 
lesson  is  written  for  those  of  limited  means,  but 
may  be  applied  by  everybody. 

Children  know  not  rich  or  poor,  high  or  low,  but 
they  do  knov/  good  manners,  and  they  know  intui- 
tively that  courtesy  means  kindness.  Little  Fred 

R , three  years  old,  was  visiting  a lady  who 

loved  him.  A lady  with  two  little  children  called 
during  a visit.  She  was  very  courceous  to  them. 
The  hostess  noticed  that  Fred  was  uneasy,  but  he 
was  a little  gentleman.  As  soon  as  the  lady  with- 
drew he  said:  “Oh,  Mishy  V->- — , me  want  to 

know  ’at  lady;  she’s  sho  nice  to  her  babies.” 

“A  word,  a thought,  how  great  a thing  it  is,  and 
who  can  say  what  it  has  or  has  not  done.”  “ The 
first  years  of  a man’s  life  are  precious,  since  they 
lay  the  foundation  of  the  merit  of  the  rest.  What- 
ever care  is  used  in  the  education  of  children,  it  is 
too  little  to  answer  the  end.” 

Begin  the  education  of  the  child  before  it  is  born 
by  disciplining  yourself.  As  soon  as  it  is  born  be- 
gin teaching  it  order — order  is  heaven’s  first  law — 
by  regularity  in  all  things.  A time  for  everything. 

When  it  is  old  enough  to  sit  at  table,  teach  it  by 
example  as  well  as  by  precept  what  to  do.  If  your 
child  has  correct  table  manners,  he  will  not  go  far 
astray  in  deportment  anywhere.  Never  allow  him 
to  play  with  his  napkin  ring,  spoon,  or  any  article 
during  meal  time  ; to  place  his  elbows  on  the  table. 


20 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 


or  to  lean  upon  it  while  eating.  Do  not  allow  him 
to  put  his  fingers  in  his  mouth,  or  yawn,  or  do  any 
of  the  vulgar  things  that  untrained  children  are  sure 
to  do. 

Teach  him  that  it  is  rude  to  whistle  in  the  pres- 
ence of  older  persons,  at  home  or  abroad.  Let  him 
whistle  by  all  means,  but  at  the  times  and  places 
when  and  where  he  will  not  annoy  anyone.  Teach 
him  to  thank  the  one  who  waits  upon  him  (except 
at  table)  be  he  equal,  superior  or  inferior;  to  step 
out  of  the  way  instantly  if  another  wishes  to  pass; 
to  say:  “I  beg  your  pardon,”  if  he  has  inconveni- 

enced any  one;  not  to  go  before  older  persons  in 
passing  out  of  a room;  nor  to  leave  the  room  sud- 
denly without  asking  to  be  excused. 

Teach  him  to  either  say  “Good  bye”  or  bow 
when  leaving  any  one;  to  give  up  his  seat  instantly, 
when  necessary,  to  older  persons;  to  lift  his  hat  to 
ladies,  and  never  wear  it  in  the  house  in  the  pres- 
ence of  ladies,  and  remember  that  ladies  means  his 
mother  and  sisters  as  well  as  strangers.  Enforce 
respect  and  civility^  to  the  members  of  your  own 
family  and  you  have  done  a good  work  in  the  edu- 
cation of  your  child. 

Teach  him  never  to  interrupt  any  one  in  conver- 
sation, nor  to  contradict,  and  when  you  ask  him  to 
do  anything,  never  allow  him  to  stop  and  argue  the 
matter  with  you,  but  go  cheerfully  and  at  once  and 
do  it;  and  if  he  is  inclined  to  say  “I  can’t”  show 
him  how  unmanly  it  is. 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME.  2 1 

If  it  is  necessary  for  him  to  interrupt  you  when 
speaking  to  others  (as  might  be  the  case  if  it  were 
school  time,  or  time  for  him  to  go  anywhere  and  he 
wished  to  speak  to  you  before  going,  or  to  say 
.“Good  bye,’)  he  must  beg  pardon  for  the  inter- 
ruption. 

He  must  not  ridicule  any  one,  and  must  be  taught 
to  be  kind  and  courteous  to  the  poor  and  unfortu- 
nate as  well  as  the  aged.  He  must  be  kind  to  the 
birds  and  the  animals — they  belong  to  the  Father’s 
universal  family — and  he  must  be  taught  the  mean- 
ing of:  “ For  in  as  much  as  you  did  it  unto  one  of 

the  least  of  these  ye  did  it  unto  me.” 

Never  exact  obedience  from  a child  with  threats 
or  bribes;  teach  him  to  do  right  for  right’s  sake, 
and  for  the  respect  that  he  has  for  himself.  Make 
him  understand  that  he  is  a necessary  wheel  in  the 
family  machinery,  and  inculcate  in  him  that  self- 
reliance  without  which  he  will  be  a nobody;  and 
with  it  all,  remember  to  prune  away  all  the  little 
out-croppings  of  animalism,  all  the  little  rudenesses 
so  natual  to  children. 

Never  correct  your  child  in  the  presence  of  others. 
Take  him  to  your  own  room  and  gently  point  out 
his  shortcomings,  or  give  the  necessary  rebuke,  but 
never  lower  the  child’s  estimate  of  himself,  or  your- 
self, by  humiliating  him. 

Let  him  feel  that  what  you  say  to  him  is  done  in 
kindness  for  his  good.  I believe  that  many  a child 


22 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 


is  made  a hypocrite  by  the  unwise  punishments  of 
parents,  and  many  a germ  of  nobleness  has  been 
blighted  by  the  continual  harsh  rebuke. 

As  your  children  grow  older,  let  each  have  his  or 
her  own  room  that  shall  be  a small  kingdom  to  each 
one,  where  he  can  exercise  his  taste  in  decorating, 
sewing,  etc.  If  it  is  not  possible  to  give  them  each 
a separate  sleeping-room,  give  them  at  least  single 
beds. 

Make  the  home  attractive.  Cultivate  a taste  for 
the  beautiful,  the  esthetic.  Mahommed  said:  “If 
I had  two  loaves  of  bread,  I would  sell  one  and  buy 
hyacinths,  for  they  would  feed  my  soul.”  Remem- 
ber the  little  souls  which  are  to  be  fed,  and  treat 
them  as  well,  at  least,  as  you  do  their  bodies.  Re- 
spect their  ideas  and  the  individuality  of  the  differ- 
ent members  of  the  famil}L  If  one  has  a taste  for 
a certain  line  of  work,  let  him  try  it;  you  can  soon 
tell  if  he  has  any  talent  in  that  direction. 

“But  parents  to  their  offspring  blind, 

Consult  not  parts,  nor  turn  of  mind  ; 

But,  even  in  infancy,  decree 
What  this,  what  t'other  son  shall  be.” 

Respect  the  child’s  feelings;  its  privacy;  its  likes 
and  dislikes,  where  they  are  not  mere  whims. 

Teach  him  to  meet  work  and  care  and  trouble 
bravely,  not  to  hide  from  a dreaded  thing,  but  to 
face  it  boldly.  He  must  not  play  tricks.  Let  him 
play  and  shout  and  be  happy,  but  he  must  learn  to 
say  no. 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 


23 


Good  returns  to  us,  so  does  evil.  Whatever  we 
send  out  must  inevitably  return  to  us. 

Bring  up  your  boys  and  girls  to  know  themselves. 
Teach  them  the  trinity  of  the  moral,  the  intellectual 
and  the  physical  nature,  and  make  them  understand 
that  each  must  be  educated  and  trained  to  the  full- 
est possible  extent  in  order  to  produce  the  perfect 
man  or  woman. 

Teach  them  to  reverence  purity  of  body  as  well 
as  of  mind;  to  respect  the  body  too  much  to  defile 
it  with  tobacco,  or  other  stimulants — or  even  with 
chewing-gum — to  make  it  or  keep  it  a temple  fit  for 
the  in-dwelling  of  a manly  or  a womanly  spirit. 
Guide  them  carefully  and  intelligently  up  into  man- 
hood and  womanhood,  and  when  they  shall  have 
arrived  at  that  state,  make  them  understand  what 
true  marriage  means — that  it  is  a union  of  souls, 
and  should  be  made  a sacrament.  That  it  involves 
forbearance,  sacrifice,  fortitude,  unselfishness,  mod- 
esty, courtesy,  in  short,  all  the  virtues  with  all  the 
vices  left  out. 

There  are  comparatively  few  persons  who  have 
the  wealth  to  do  as  they  please,  but  everybody  can 
attain  good  manners.  Not  everybody  does,  but 
everybody  may.  While  the  possession  of  riches  is 
desirable,  and  gives  opportunities  for  culture,  it  does 
not  always  bring  with  it  refinement  of  thought  and 
manner;  these  must  be  born  within.  Many  of  our 
most  refined  men  and  women  are  people  of  limited 


24  THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 

means.  One  of  the  most  hospitable  and  courteous 
families  of  my  acquaintance  belongs  to  this  class. 
The  lady  keeps  no  servant,  does  the  family  cooking 
and  cleaning,  gives  a portion  of  every  week  day  to 
a profession  in  which  she  excels,  and  has  a regular 
weekly  reception  day,  besides  making  calls  and  do- 
ing  club  work. 

The  plainest  home  may  be  the  center  of  culture 
and  refinement,  and  when  mothers  learn  their  true 
relations  to  society,  through  the  family  and  the 
home,  there  will  be  less  vain  longing  for  wealth,  and 
more  care  given  to  the  building  of  character.  There 
will  be  more  self-respect,  more  love,  less  selfishness, 
and  children  will  honor  father  and  mother. 

ETIQUETTE  FOR  CHILDREN. 

Many  families  become  suddenly  wealthy,  and  de- 
sire to  take  their  places  in  the  social  world  where 
their  good  fortune  would  naturally  place  them — 
other  things  being  equal — who  know  nothing  of  the 
management  of  a large  establishment.  For  their 
instruction  I will  give  a hint  of  how  children  are 
managed  in  families  in  large  cities.  In  well  regu- 
lated families,  the  boys  and  girls  who  are  yet  stu- 
dents take  their  breakfast  earlier  than  their  parents 
do,  and  the  governess  presides  at  the  table,  taking 
her  breakfast  with  them,  or  if  she  likes,  in  the  nur- 
sery with  the  younger  children.  If  the  smallest  one 
is  old  enough  to  come  to  the  table  it  does  so.  The 


THE  FAMILY  AND  YhE  HOME.  25 

governess  has  the  care  of  the  table  manners  of  the 
children,  with  full  authority  to  advise  and  correct, 
and  in  the  best  families  she  is  sustained  in  her 
“rulings,”  as  only  those  of  superior  qualification 
are  employed.  She  takes  charge  of  them  in  the  ab- 
sence of  the  parents,  and,  if  necessary,  rebukes 
them  in  the  presence  of  the  mother. 

After  breakfast  the  governess  sometimes  walks  to 
school  with  the  elder  girls,  leaving  the  nursery  pu- 
pils at  their  studies  under  the  care  of  the  head 
nurse,  or  if  the  weather  is  fine,  they  all  go  out  to- 
gether for  a walk.  Sometimes  A maid  accompanies 
the  girls  and  smaller  boys  to  their  respective  schools. 
The  mistress  of  the  house  fixes  these  rules  to  suit 
circumstances  ; each  one  has  her  part  of  the  work 
to  perform,  and  she  is  held  strictly  to  it. 

After  breakfast  the  father  usually  sends  for  the 
smaller  children  to  come  and  say  good  morning  and 
good-bye  ; then  the  mother'  spends  an  hour  or  more 
in  the  nursery  with  the  little  ones. 

At  luncheon,  if  the  mother  is  at  home  and  there 
are  no  formal 'guests,  they  eat  with  mother,  the  chil- 
dren putting  on  their  “grown-up  behavior.”  This 
is  the  school  of  manners  ; the  meal  is  served  as 
ceremoniously  as  if  guests  of  honor  were  present, 
though  none  but  the  most*  intimate  friend,  whose 
conversation  will  not  lower  the  child’s  ideals,  is  ever 
admitted  to  this  sacred  children’s  mid-day  meal, 
usually  at  half-past  one  o’clock. 

3 


26 


THE  FAMILY  AND  THE  HOME. 


In  the  afternoon  there  is  walking,  driving,  danc- 
ing or  other  extra  lessons,  and  supper  is  served  in 
the  nursery  for  all  children  at  six  o’clock,  until  they 
are  thirteen  or  fourteen  years  old,  when,  if  there  are 
no  guests,  they  dine  with  their  parents. 

On  Sunday  the  father  takes  luncheon  with  the  rest 
of  the  family.  This  is  his  time  for  taking  a mental 
review  of  the  progress  and  development  of  his  little 
ones. 

The  younger  ones  go  to  bed  at  half-past  six  or 
seven  and  the  older  ones  at  nine.  The  children 
never  appear  in  the'  drawing-room  when  there  are 
invited  guests,  except  on  birthdays  and  at  weddings. 

The  mothers  of  these  households,  of  course,  spend 
as  much  time  as  possible  with  their  children,  and 
have  a constant  care  over  their  manners  and  their 
morals,  directing  others  in  what  she  cannot  do  her- 
self. 


CHAPTER  m. 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


forms  of  introductions  and  presentations 
must  necessarily  differ  in  a country  where  an 
equality  of  citizenship  is  established  by  consti- 
tutional law.  In  countries  where  precedence  has 
been  made  the  subject  of  legislation,  forms  are 
established  and  rigidly  adhered  to.  Intellectual 
development,  refined  culture,  and  good  breeding, 
combine  to  arrange  our  forms  of  presentation  and 
introduction  in  such  flexible  ways  as  shall  satisfy  all 
grades  of  society. 

WHAT  IS  AN  INTRODUCTION.^ 


An  introduction  is  regarded  as  a social  endorse- 
ment, and  people  who  introduce  everybody,  every 
where,  and  under  all  circumstances,  should  stop  and 
consider  this,  as  introductions  are  often  undesirable. 
Indiscriminate  introducing  should  not  be  done  by 
any  lady,  at  home,  or  in  society.  She  may  have  to 
regret  the  bringing  of  a burden  upon  her  friends,  or 
her  own  family,  in  the  person  of  a vulgar,  or  push- 
ing woman,  or  an  undesirable  man,  or  great  bore. 

Those  persons  who  have  been  born  and  reared  in 
the  best  society,  never  make  a hasty  presentation, 
or  introduction.  An  habitual,  though  momentary 

(27) 


28 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


reflection,  adjusts  in  their  own  minds,  the  proper 
relation  of  the  two  who  are  about  to  be  made  known 
to  each  other,  and  unpleasant  mistakes  are  thus 
avoided. 

A formal  introduction  is  not  necessar}^  to  a pleas- 
ant conversation  between  persons  meeting  at*  the 
house  of  a common  friend  during  a morning  call,  at 
a private  party,  or  reception.  That  a person  was 
invited  is  sufficient  guarantee  of  his  respectability. 
They  need  not  know  each  other  afterwards,  unless 
they  each  desire  it. 

AT  A PRIVATE  BALL. 

Host  and  hostess  should  make  introductions 
among  their  guests  at  a ball;  guests  may  with  per- 
fect propriety  introduce  each  other.  In  France  and 
to  some  extent  in  England,  they  may  even  dance 
without  an  introduction.  No  gentleman  will  pre- 
sume upon  this  '‘roof  introduction,”  as  they  call  it 
to  know  a lady  afterwards,  unless  she  desire  it. 

TRAVELLING  ACQUAINTANCES. 

Middle  aged  and  elderly  persons,  may  without  the 
formality  of  an  introduction,  form  acquaintances  in 
travelling  by  rail,  steam-boat,  or  stage-coach,  and, 
thus  relieve  the  monotony,  or  heighten  the  pleasures 
of  travel.  Of  course  a certain  reserve  must  be 
observed,  and  the  parties  need  not  know  each  other 
afterwards;  although  occasionally,  lasting  and  bene- 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


29 


ficial  friendships  have  been  made  in  this  way. 
Young  ladies  are  never  accorded  this  privilege. 

“ ROOF  INTRODUCTIONS.” 

In  “ exclusive  society  ” in  our  large  cities,  a hostess 
“ must  not  introduce  two  ladies  who  reside  in  the 
same  town,”  unless  there  are  especial  reasons  for  so 
doing.  Why.^  Because  it  might  inconvenience  the 
different  “ sets.”  Well-bred  ladies  understanding 
this  rule,  will  not  hesitate  to  speak  pleasantly  with- 
out an  introduction.  To  many  of  our  “speechless 
Americans  ” this  is  very  awkward,  as  in  the  case  of 
the  young  lady  at  a private  concert,  who  when 
asked  by  a cultivated,  high-bred  lady,  who  the 
pianist  was,  blushed,  looked  away  and  did  not 
answer.  The  lady  knew  that  there  was  a deaf 
mute  present  and  with  a look  of  pity,  said  to  her- 
self, “ poor  thing,”  believing  this  young  lady  to  be 
the  mute. 

During  the  evening,  the  young  lady  asked  for  an 
introduction.  The  lady  gave  her  a cordial  grasp  of 
the  hand  and  was  surprised  to  hear  her  speak.  She 
explained  apologetically,  “I  could  not  answer  your 
question  awhile  ago,  because  I had  not  been  intro- 
duced to  you  ; — the  pianist  is  Mr. .” 

“ But  I could  speak  to  you  without  an  introduc- 
tion. The  roof  was  a sufficient  guarantee  of  your 
respectability,  and  I thought  from  your  not  answer- 
ing that  you  were  deaf  and  dumb,”  said  the  lady. 


30 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


It  had  not  occurred  to  her  before  this  rebuke, 
that  she  was  guilty  of  a rudeness.  She  had  been 
taught  that  it  was  not  proper  to  speak  to  any  one 
without  a formal  introduction  and  she  did  not 
understand  the  exceptions. 

A superior  breeding  makes  conversation  as  easy 
and  entertaining  between  strangers  who  meet  at 
the  house  of  a friend,  as  if  their  names  had  been 
pronounced. 

If  one  lady  desires  to  be  introduced  to  another, 
the  hostess  must  ask  quietly  if  she  may  do  so.  “No 
delicate-minded  person  would  ever  intrude  herself 
upon  the  notice  of  a person  to  whom  she  had  been 
casually  introduced,  in  a friend’s  drawing-room;  but 
all  the  world  unfortunately  is  not  made  up  of  deli- 
cate^minded  persons.” 

INTRODUCING  GENTLEMEN. 

No  gentleman  should  ever  be  introduced  to  a lady, 
without  her  permission.  It  is  proper  for  him  to 
ask  a common  friend,  or  an  acquaintance  to  intro- 
duce him,  and  there  are  few  occasions  when  the 
request  is  refused. 

The  author  of  “ Manners  and  Social  Usages  ” says: 
“In  our  crowded  ball-rooms,  chaperons  often  ask 
young  men  if  they  will  be  introduced  to  their  charge. 
It  is  better  before  asking  the  young  gentlemen  of 
this  present  luxurious  age,  if  they  will  not  only  be 
introduced,  but  if  they  propose  to  dance  with  the 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


•31 


young  lady,  else  that  young  person  may  be  mortified 
by  a snub.  It  is  painful  to  record,  as  we  must,  that 
the  age  of  chivalry  is  past,  and  that  at  a gay  ball, 
young  men  appear  supremely  selfish  and  desire  gen- 
erally only  introductions  to  the  reigning  belle,  or  to 
an  heiress,  not  deigning  to  look  at  the  humble  wall- 
flower who  is  neither,  but  whose  womanhood  should 
command  respect.  Ball-room  introductions  are 
supposed  to  mean  on  the  part  of  the  gentleman, 
either  an  intention  to  dance  with  the  young  lady,  to 
walk  with  her,  or  to  talk  to  her  through  one  dance, 
or  to  show  her  some  attention.” 

Gentlemen  scarcely  ever  ask  to  be  introduced  to 
each  other,  but  if  a lady  through  some  desire  of 
her  own,  wishes  to  present  them,  she  should  never 
be  met  with  indifference  on  their  part.  Gentlemen 
have  a right  to  be  exclusive  as  to  their  acquaintances, 
of  course;  but  at  a lady’s  table,  or  in  her  parlor, 
they  should  never  openly  show  distaste  for  each 
other’s  ^society  before  her. 

SHAKING  HANDS. 

In  America,  it  is  the  fashion  to  shake  hands,  and 
most  married  women,  if  desirous  of  being  cordial, 
extend  the  hand,  even  on  a first  introduction;  but  it 
is  perhaps  better  tobovV  only  at  a first  introduction. 
Young  ladies  may  shake  hands  with  a lady,  but  bow 
only  to  a gentleman. 

In  her  own  house,  a hostess  should  always  extend 


32. 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


her  hand  to  a person  brought  to  her  by  a common 
friend  and  introduced  for  the  first  time. 

AT  A DINNER  PARTY. 

At  a dinner  party,  a few  minutes  before  dinner, 
the  hostess  introduces  to  a lady,  the  gentleman  who 
is  to  escort  her  to  the  dining-room,  but  makes  no 
further  introductions,  except  in  the  case  of  a dis- 
tinguished stranger,  to  whom  all  the  company  are 
introduced.  Here,  as  we  said,  people  are  shy  of 
speaking  but  they  should  not  be,  for  the  room  where 
they  meet  is'a  sufficient  guarantee  that  they  may 
converse  without  loss  of  dignity. 

At  a large  gathering  in  the  country  it  is  proper 
for  the  lady  to  introduce  her  guests  to  each  other, 
and  -she  may  with  propriety  do  so  without  asking 
permission  of  either  party.  A mother  always  intro- 
duces her  son,  or  daughter,  a husband  his  wife,  and 
a wife  her  husband,  without  permission. 

CASUAL  INTRODUCTIONS. 

“Introductions  which  take  place  out  of  doors,  as 
on  the  lawn  tennis  ground,  in  the  hunting  field,  or 
in  any  casual  way,  are  not  to  be  taken  as  necessarily 
formal,  unless  the  lady  chooses  so  to  take  them. 
The  same  may  be  said  of  introductions  at  a water- 
ing place,  where  a group  of  ladles  walking  together 
may  meet  other  ladies,  or  gentlemen,  and  join  forces 
for  a walk  or  drive.  Introductions  should  be  made 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


33 


by  the  oldest  lady  of  the  party,  but  are  not  to  be 
considered  as  making  an  acquaintance  necessary 
between  the  parties,  if  neither  should  afterward 
wish  it.  It  is  universally  conceded  now  that  this 
sort  of  casual  introduction  does  not  involve  either 
lady  in  the  network  of  a future  acquaintance,  nor 
need  a lady  recognize  a gentleman,  if  she  does  not 
choose  to  do  so,  after  a watering  place  introduc- 
tion. It  is  always  however,  more  polite  to  bow; 
" that  civility  hurts  no  one.” 

THE  PROPER  ORDER  AND  FORMS  OF  INTRODUCTION. 

Ladies  of  social  equality  are  introduced  to  each 
other,  so  also  are  gentlemen.  The  younger  lady  is 
presented  to  the  elder;  the  unmarried  to  the  married; 
so,  also  of  gentlemen,  other  things  being  equal.  If 
a publicly  admitted  superiority  exists,  age,  unless 
quite  advanced,  is  not  considered.  The  “obscure’’ 
are  presented  to  the  famous.  Gentlemen  are  always 
introduced  to  ladies. 

It  seems  almost  unnecessary  to  give  the  forms  of 
an  introduction,  yet  this  chapter  would  be  incom- 
plete without  it.  Introducing  a gentleman  to  a lady, 
it  is  the  custom  to  say,  “ Mr.  A.  desires  to  be  pre- 
sented to  Mrs.,  or  Miss  B.”  Or,  if  the  introduction 
has  not  been  sought,  but  is  made  by  a gentleman  or 
lady  desiring  to  bring  unknown  parties  together  for 
his  or  her  own  personal  reasons,  he  or  she  says : “This 
is  Mr.  A,  Mrs.  B.,  it  gives  me  pleasure  to  present 


34 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


him  to  you.”  The  married  lady  replies  according  to 
the  degree  of  pleasure,  or  interest  she  may  have  in 
knowing  the  gentleman,  regulating  the  expression  of 
her  sentiment  by  courtesy  and  good  breeding.  If 
she  is  glad  to  know  Mr.  A.,  she  says  so  frankly  and 
thanks  the  presenting  party,  who  then  retires.  The 
young  lady  can  only  express  a polite  recognition  of 
the  gentleman  presented  by  bowing,  smiling  and 
speaking  the  name  of  the  gentleman  as  a response- 
It  is  a privilege  of  the  gentleman  to  express  grati- 
fication. Two  ladies  may  extend  hands  to  each 
other,  so  also  may  two  gentlemen. 

If  there  is  anything  the  lady  can  say  to  break  the 
ice  of  formality  in  introducing  strangers,  it  is  well 
to  do  so,  as  for  example;  “ Mrs.  Carter,  allow  me  to 
present  Mr.  Holcomb,  who  is  just  home  from  a trip 
around  the  world.”  Mrs.  Carter  will  be  grateful  of 
course  for  this  suggestion  of  a topic  for  conversation- 
There  is  nearly  always  something  that  may  be  said 
to  aid  the  introduced  in  opening  conversation;  the 
hostess,  if  she  has  the  tact  of  a successful  enter- 
tainer, will  know  what  it  is. 

Care  should  be  taken  to  pronounce  each  name 
distinctly,  but  if  either  name  is  not  understood  by 
the  other  party,  he  should  say,  ‘‘  I beg  your  pardon, 
I did  not  understand  the  name,”  and  it  should  be 
repeated  to  him  by  the  person  introducing. 

If  several  persons  are  to  be  introduced  to  one 
gentleman  or  lady,  mention  the  name  of  the  single 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


35 


individual  first,  then  call  the ‘Others  in  succession, 
bowing  slightly  each  time  ; thus,  Mrs.  D — ; Mr. 
G — ; Mr.  F — , and  Miss  F — . 

In  introducing  relatives,  or  members  of  your  own 
family,  be  careful  to  give  the  name  as  well  as  the 
degree  of  relationship.  If  you  should  introduce  one  to 
your  ‘'brother  Tom,”  or  your  “ cousin  Kate,”  how  is 
it  possible  for  him  to  know  the  name.^  And  in  such 
case  he  does  not  like  to  ask. 

The  simplest  forms  of  introduction  are  the  best. 

A lady  should  give  her  husband  his  title  if  he  has 
one. 

Gentlemen  should  be  given  their  appropriate 
titles,  as;  “The  Reverend  Mr.  Smith,”  or  “The 
Reverend  Dr.  Smith,”  “ Mr.  Brown,  the  Poet 
“ Mr.  Williams,  the  Artist  ;”  “ Mr.  Sullivan,  the 
Author  of  ‘ vSunrise  and  Sunset.’  ” Titles  mare  ore 
fully  treated  in  another  chapter. 

OBLIGATORY  INTRODUCTIONS. 

A lady  should  introduce  a friend  who  is  visiting 
at  her  house,  to  her  callers,  and  courtesy  demands 
that  they  cultivate  her  acquaintance  while  she 
remains  with  the  lady. 

OFFICAL  INTRODUCTIONS 

are  of  course  given  without  first  obtaining  permis- 


sion. 


36 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


MISCELLANEOUS  INTRODUCTIONS 

are  no  longer  permissible.  A little  reflection  will 
show  the  advisability  of  this. 

The  introduced  opens  conversation.  He  is  pre- 
sented to  those  entitled  to  precedence  from  sex,  age, 
or  rank.  A gentleman  is  thus  always  taken  to  the 
lady,  the  citizen  to  the  mayor,  the  mayor  to  the 
governor,  the  governor  to  the  President. 

HOST  AND  HOSTESS 

should  be  familiar  with  the  accepted  formalities  of 
introducing.  They  should  also  have  tact  to  make 
exceptions  to  general  rules,  when  it  is  necessary  to 
the  enjoyment  of  guests.  They  should  see  that  the 
shy  and  the  awkward  are  introduced  to  those  who 
have  the  happy  faculty  of  making  people  forget 
themselves  ; of  bringing  out  their  best  thoughts. 

What  we  bring,  we  find.”  If  we  bring  our  better 
selves  to  those  bashful  ones,  they  will  respond  in 
like  manner  and  be  grateful  for  fhe  opportunity  to 
show  us  that  they  are  not  so  “ dull”  as  they  seem. 
The  success  of  an  entertainment  ought  to  be 
guaged — other  things  being  equal — by  the  number 
of  its  shy  participants  who  have  been  made  happy, 
and  if  those  whose  ease  of  manner  makes  them  at 
home  every  where,  have  given  of  their  time  and 
courtesy  to  the  less  favored,  they  will  be  compens- 
ated by  the  blessedness  of  giving. 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


37 


INTRODUCTION  BY  LETTER. 

Many  people  think  that  they  are  obliged  to  give  a 
letter  of  introduction  to  every  respectable  person 
who  may’  ask  for  it. 

It  is  perfectly  proper  to  refuse  such  a favor,  upon 
the  ground  of  unwillingness  to  take  the  liberty  of 
presenting  any  one  to  the  person  to  whom  the 
introduction  is  requested.  The  utmost  caution 
should  be  used  in  granting  such  a favor,  or  taking 
such  liberty.  One  should  be  morally  certain  before 
giving  such  a letter,  that  it  will  conduce  to  the 
pleasure  of  both  parties. 

A letter  of  introduction  should  be  brief  and  care- 
fully worded.  State  in  full  the  name  of  the  person, 
and  the  city  or  town  he  is  from,  intimating  the 
mutual  pleasure  that  you  feel  the  acquaintance  will 
confer  ; adding  as  few  remarks  as  possible  concern- 
ing the  one  introduced.  Persons  are  sometimes 
deterred  from  delivering  letters  which  seem  to  them 
undeservedly  complimentary.  The  following  con- 
ventional form  may  be  modified  according  to  cir- 
cumstances: 

I have  the  pleasure  of  presenting  to  your 
acquaintance,  Mr.  John  Corwin,  of  St.  Louis,  whom 
I commend  to  your  kind  attention,”  or  “This  will 
introduce  to  you  Mr.  John  Corwin,  of  St.  Louis, 
who  will  be  in  your  city  for  a few  days.  I am  sure 
the  acquaintance  will  be  mutually  agreeable,” 

This  letter  should  be  enclosed  in  an  open 
envelope,  on  which,  besides  the  address,  it  is  custo- 


38 


INTRODUCTIONS. 


mary  to  write  in  the  lower  left  corner,  '‘Introducing 
Mr.  John  Corwin,  of  St.  Louis.” 

When  the  letter  is  to  be  delivered,  it  should  be 
sent  to  the  person  for  whom  it  is  intended,  with  a 
card  on  which  are  the  name  and  address  of  the  per- 
son introduced.  This  should  be  answered  by  a call 
and  an  invitation  to  dinner,  within  three  days,  if 
the  gentleman  is  to  remain  permanently,  or  for  a 
length  of  time,  and  within  twenty-four  hours  if  his 
stay  is  very  limited.  If  it  is  not  possible  for  him 
to  do  this,  he  must  send  a card  by  special  messen- 
ger to  the  stranger  with  explanation  and  the  offer 
of  such  courtesies  as  are  possible  to  him,  provided, 
of  course,  the  introducing  person  be  entitled  to  such 
consideration. 

When  the  gentleman  delivers  such  a letter  to  a 
lady,  he  may  call,  send  up  his  card  to  ascertain 
whether  she  will  receive  him  then,  or  appoint 
another  hour  that  will  be  more  convenient. 

PRESENTATIONS  TO  FOREIGN  COURTS. 

All  presentations  to  foreign  courts  are  made 
through  the  national  representatives,  and  the  infor- 
mation in  regard  to  the  various  formalities  required 
is  obtained  from  them. 

THE  president’s  LEVEES  AT  WASHINGTON 

are  open  to  every  body.  For  information  upon  this 
interesting  topic,  see  the  chapter  devoted  to  Pre- 
cedence or  Etiquette  of  Social  Life  in  \Vashington. 


CHAPTER  IV. 


SALUTATIONS, 


BOW  should  be  according  to  circumstan- 
ces, respectful,  cordial,  civil  or  familiar.” 
^ ^ Among  formal  acquaintances  the  lady 
bows  first.  Between  intimate  friends  either  may 
bow  first.  The  gentleman  must  respond  to  the  sal- 
utation of  the  lady  with  the  same  degree  of  cor- 
diality, or  lack  of  it,  which  she  accords  to  him  ; he 
must  never  presume  to  claim  more  attention  than 
she  offers  to  him.  Good  breeding  demands  that 
she  be  not  demonstrative,  and  that  she  does  not 
publicly  express  in  her  greetings  any  dislike  for  him. 
She  must  either  be  polite  to  him  or  not  recognize 
him  at  all.  In  bowing  to  a lady  the  hat  must  be 
lifted  from  the  head.  However,  if  a gentleman  is 
riding  in  the  saddle  he  touches  the  whip  to  his  hat. 
If  driving  he  bows  cordially.  Foreigners  raise  the 
hat  under  all  circumstances.  If  smoking,  a gentle- 
man removes  his  cigar  before  lifting  his  hat. 

An  inclination  of  the  head,  without  bending  the 
body,  is  all  that  is  necessary  in  bowing.  The  author 
of  Sensible  Etiquette  says  : “ In  no  one  of  the 

trivial  observances  that  good  society  calls  for,  is 
there  a more  unerring  test  of  the  breeding,  train- 

(39) 


40 


SALUTATIONS. 


ing,  nurture  or  culture  of  a person  than  the  manner 
in  which  the  salutation  of  recognition  is  made. 
It  should  be  prompt  as  soon  as  the  eyes  meet, 
whether  on  the  street  or  in  a room.  The  inter- 
course need  go  no  further,  but  that  bow  must  be 
made.  To  omit  it  is  to  stamp  yourself  as  low  bred. 
There  are  few  laws  which  have  more  cogent  reasons 
for  their  observance  than  this.  If  the  bow  is  not 
exchanged  at  the  moment  of  the  first  meeting  of  the 
eyes,  what  a prodigious  tax  upon  the  memory  it 
would  be,  destroying  much  of  the  pleasure  of  social 
intercourse;  while  if  you  bow  as  you  recognize 
your  friends  in  turn,  there  is  no  difficulty  in  remem- 
bering with  whom  you  have  exchanged  salutations. 
In  a drive  upon  a crowded  promenade,  it  is  not  al- 
ways possible  to  observe  this  rule,  however,  as  the 
carriages  frequently  bowl  past  each  other  so  swiftly 
as  to  prevent  instant  recognition,  where  the  face  is 
not  thoroughly  a familiar  one.  This  rule  holds  good 
under  all  circumstances,  whether  within  or  without. 
Those  who  abstain  from  bowing  at  one  time  and 
bow  at  another,  need  never  be  surprised  to  find  the 
well-bred  avoiding  any  continuation  of  an  acquaint- 
ance that  they  are  made  to  feel  can  never  be  a con- 
genial one  ; and  such  individuals  must  not  shrink 
from  knowing  that  the  odious  word  “snob”  is  ap- 
plied to  them  by  those  who  are  not  snobbish,  even 
though  an  absent  mind  is  the  cause  of  the  remiss- 


ness. 


SALUTATIONS. 


41 


“Nearsighted”  people  ought  to  be  made  an  ex- 
ception to  this  rule,  and  they  probably  are  where 
their  infirmity  is  known. 

“The  introduction  that  entitles  to  recognition 
having  once  been  made,  it  is  the  duty  of  the  younger 
person  to  recall  himself  or  herself  to  the  recollection 
of  the  elder  person,  (should  the  elder  fail  to  recog- 
nize him  or  her)  if  there  is  much  difference  in  age, 
by  bowing  each  time  of  meeting,  until  the  recogni- 
tion becomes  mutual.  As  persons  advance  in  life 
they  look  for  these  attentions  upon  the  part  of  the 
young,  and  it  may  be,  in  some  instances,  that  it  is 
the  only  way  which  young  people  have  of  showing 
their  appreciation  of  courtesies  extended  to  them 
by  the  old  or  middle-aged.” 

“The  salutation  is  the  touchstone  of  good  breed- 
ing,” says  St.  Loup.  Well-bred  people  always  rec- 
ognize by  a formal  bow  those  to  whom  they  have 
been  introduced  or  who  have  been  introduced  to 
them.  This  does  not  entail  a calling  acquaintance. 

In  walking,  gentleman  keep  to  the  left  of  the  lady 
to  protect  her  from  the  jostling  crowd. 

A gentleman  returns  the  bow  made  to  a lady 
with  whom  he  is  walking,  although  the  one  bowing 
is  a stranger  to  him. 

If  a lady  bow  to  a gentleman  and  he  does  not  re- 
call her  face,  he  must  bow  to  her  as  respectfully  as 
if  he  recognized  her.  It  may  be  a lady  to  whom  he 
has  been  formally  presented,  whose  street  costume 


42 


SALUTATIONS. 


has  transformed  her,  or  she  may  have  mistaken  him 
for  some  one  else.  Bat  no  matter  who  it  is,  he 
must  acknowledge  the  apparent  recognition. 

After  saluting  a lady,  a gentleman  may  stop  and 
ask  permission  to  turn  and  accompany  her  a short, 
or  a long  distance.  Under  no  circumstances  must 
he  stand  in  the  street  and  converse  with  her. 

In  passing  a person  upon  a public  promenade  or 
drive,  bow  the  first  time.  If  a friend,  after  the  first 
time,  in  passing  and  repassing,  should  your  eyes 
meet,  smile  faintly  but  do  not  bow.  If  a mere  ac- 
quaintance bow  the  first  time  and  take  no  further 
notice  of  the  person. 

Should  a lady  wish  to  speak  to  a gentleman  on 
horseback,  he  should  dismount  and  walk  by  her 
side,  leading  his  horse. 

Ladies  must  not  talk,  or  call  across  the  street. 

When  a gentleman  is  introduced  to  a lady,  both 
bow  slightly,  and  the  gentleman  opens  conversation. 

A gentleman,  if  a formal  acquaintance,  must  not 
offer  to  shake  hands  with  a lady  unless  she  first  ex- 
tends her  hand  to  him. 

“The  same  formalities  must  be  observed  at  enter- 
tainments,” says  the  author  of  Social  Etiquette. 
“ The  gentleman  who  is  a formal  acquaintance  waits 
patiently  for  the  lady  guest  to  recognize  his  pres- 
ence. Of  course  at  a private  party  no  lady  will  be 
purposely  uncivil  to  any  fellow  guest.  It  would  be 
a discourtesy  to  an  entertainer.  Neither  will  she 


SALUTATIONS. 


43 


show  sufficient  gratification  at  meeting  a gentleman 
that  the  most  self-admiring  of  that  sex,  to  whom 
vanity  is  not  traditionally  imputed,  shall  be  enabled 
to  imagine  that  she  craves  his  attention.” 

A gentleman  when  calling  or  making  a “ brief 
visit ’’leaves  his  umbrella,  overcoat  and  overshoes 
in  the  hall,  but  carries  his  hat  and  stick  into  the 
parlor.  Unless  the  lady  is  an  invalid,  or  advanced 
in  years,  she  rises  to  receive  him.  If  she  does  not 
rise  she  excuses  herself  and  extends  her  hand  to 
him.  He  does  not  remove  his  glove.  He  may  seat 
himself,  or  not,  but  upon  the  entrance  of  another 
gentleman  he  takes  his  leave.  The  lady  does  not 
extend  her  hand,  nor  accompany  him  to  the  door, 
“ unless  she  desires  him  to  understand  that  she  en- 
tertains a profoundly  respectful  regard  for  him.” 
She  introduces  him  to  no  one  unless  there  should 
be  some  special  reason  why  this  formality  should 
take  place,  but  he  converses  with  the  other  guests 
as  if  he  had  met  them  before.  This  does  not  entitle 
him  to  recognize  them  afterwards,  unless  he  should 
meet  them  again  under  like  circumstances. 

A gentleman  lifts  his  hat  in  passing  ladies  in  a 
hall  or  corridor  or  upon  the  stairs.  He  uncovers 
his  head  reverentially  in  passing  a group  of  mourn- 
ers at  a doorway. 

If  a lady  should  drop  her  fan  or  kerchief,  a gen- 
tleman should  of  course  pick  it  up  and  restore  it  to 
her,  lifting  his  hat  while  performing  ^this  service, 


44 


SALUTATIONS. 


whether  he  is  acquainted  with  the  lady  or  not. 
There  are  other  courtesies  which  will  suggest  them- 
selves, that  gentlemen  should  show  to  all  ladies. 
The  lady  bows  or  says  “ Thank  you,”  though  several 
authorities  say  that  “thank  you”  is  obsolete,  and  a 
“bow  may  convey  more  gratitude  than  speech.” 
One  authority  says  : ‘'This  etiquette  has  been  crit- 
icized as  an  inadequate  acknowledgment  of  an  at- 
tention, but  if  those  who  are  able  to  arrange  a 
kindlier  formula  would  but  remember  that  it  is  quite 
as  gracious  to  receive  as  it  is  to  bestow  benefits, 
perhaps  they  would  be  satisfied  with  present  usage.” 

If  a lady  who  receives  these  attentions  is  accom- 
panied by  a gentleman,  the  gentleman  lifts  his  hat 
and  says  “Thank  you.” 

If  it  is  necessary  for  any  reason  to  beg  a lady’s 
pardon  he  lifts  his  hat  whether  he  is  acquainted 
with  her  or  not. 

A gentleman  opens  a door  for  a strange  lady  and 
holds  it  open  with  one  hand  and  lifts  his  hat  with 
the  other,  while  she  passes  through  in  advance  of 
him. 

A gentleman  always  uncovers  his  head  in  an  ele- 
vator where  there  are  ladies. 


CHAPTER  V. 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


the  unrefined,  or  underbred  person,  the  visit- 
ing card  is  but  a trifling  and  insignificant  bit  of 
paper  ; but  to  the  cultured  disciple  of  social 
law,  it  conveys  a subtle  and  unmistakable  intelli- 
gence. Its  texture,  style  of  engraving,  and  even 
the  hour  of  leaving  it,  combine  to  place  the  stranger 
whose  name  it  bears,  in  a pleasant  or  a disagreeable 
attitude,  even  before  his  manners,  conversation  and 
face  have  been  able  to  explain  his  social  position. 
The  higher  the  civilization  of  a community,  the 
more  careful  is  it  to  preserve  the  elegance  of  its 
social  forms.  It  is  quite  as  easy  to  express  a per- 
fect breeding  in  the  fashionable  formalities  of  cards 
as  by  an}^  other  method,  and  perhaps  indeed,  it  is 
the  safest  herald  of  an  introduction  for  a stranger. 
Its  texture  should  be  fine,  its  engraving  a plain 
script,  its  size  neither  too  small,  so  that  its  recipi- 
ents shall  say  to  themselves,  “ a whimsical  person,” 
nor  too  large,  to  suggest  ostentation.  Refinement 
seldom  touches  extremes  in  any  thing. — Home  Jotir- 
nal. 

One  has  said,  “There  ought  to  be  a book  of  the 
laws  and  customs  a la  mode,  presented  to  young 

(45) 


46  VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 

people  upon  their  introduction  into  public  com- 
pany.” 

Says  the  author  of  Sensible  Etiquette:  “To 

some  persons  such  a book  may  seem  unnecessary, 
for  the  reason  that  our  ceremonies  are  so  few  and 
so  simple,  that  all  who  have  been  well  trained  are 
supposed  to  understand  them.  However,  at  second 
thought  it  will  be  remembered  that  customs  are  con- 
tinually changing,  and  that  mothers  in  America, 
with  large  families  of  children,  sometimes  allow 
fifteen  or  twenty  years  to  pass  without  troubling 
themselves  about  much  that  is  outside  of  their 
own  nurseries  or  households.  When  the  seeming 
interests  of  a grown-up  daughter  demand  that  the 
mother  shall  herself  return  to  society,  she  feeling 
both  indifferent  and  rusty,  prefers  to  trust  her  child 
to  the  chaperonage  of  some  relative  or  friend.  It 
does  not  always  happen  that  the  matron  whom 
she  selects,  is  capable  of  instructing  her  charge,  or 
it  may  be  that  it  does  not  occur  to  her  that  the 
young  girl  needs  any  instruction. 

Again,  take  young  persons  of  either  sex  who  have 
been  educated  in  the  country,  and  bring  them  into 
the  society  of  a city,  what  means  have  they  of  learn- 
ing its  customs,  excepting  through  dearly  bought 
lessons  of  experience,  which  their  sensibility  might 
well  have  been  spared,  had  such  a book  as  that  pro- 
posed, been  put  into  their  hands. 

Good  breeding  is  the  same  in  the  country  as  in 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


47 


the  city,  it  is  true,  but  customs  vary  in  different 
sections.” 

Bulwer  says:  “Just  as  the  drilled  soldier  seems 

a much  finer  fellow  than  the  raw  recruit,  because  he 
knows  how  to  carry  himself,  but  after  a year’s  dis- 
cipline the  raw  recruit  may  excel  in  martial  air,  the 
upright  hero  whom  he  now  despairingly  admires, 
and  never  dreams  he  can  rival ; so  set  a mind  from 
a village  into  the  drill  of  a capital,  and  see  it  a year 
after  ; it  may  tower  a head  higher  than  its  recruit- 
ing sergeant.” 

“ It  is  the  constant  drilling  of  parents  and  teachers, 
line  upon  line  and  precept  upon  precept,  that  is 
needed  with  the  young.  The  uncultivated  who 
ridicule  this  drilling,  who  refuse  to  observe  the  forms 
that  the  cultivated  adopt,  not  only  expose  their  own 
deficient  training,  but  their  conduct  gives  increased 
testimony  to  the  necessity  that  exists  for  a more 
general  understanding  of  those  laws  of  social  life 
which,  like  the  laws  of  the  universe,  prevent  all 
■ things  from  returning  to  chaos.  - Some  of  these 
laws  of  social  life,  like  the  laws  of  civil  life,  differ  in 
different  lands  ; though  not  those  that  are  the  most 
essential  in  the  regulation  of  conduct  and  behavior. 
Everywhere  children  are  taught  that  affectation 
and  pretense  are  vulgarities.”  That  keeping  the  hat 
on  in  the  house  in  the  presence  of  a lady  ; imperti- 
nence to  parents  or  any  one  ; selfishly  taking  the 
best  of  any  thing  when  there  are  others  to  be  served  ; 


48 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


and  many  other  things  equally  rasping,  are  looked 
upon  in  the  same  light  everywhere.  In  all  cultivated 
society  all  breaches  of  good  manners  are  regarded 
as  either  vulgarities  or  rudenesses.  They  denote 
want  of  early  training,  or  a coarse  nature  not  sus- 
ceptible of  refinement.  In  the  thousand  nameless 
acts  which  compose  manner,  the  mind  betrays  its 
habitual  bent.  This  is  not  so  however,  with  the 
practice,  or  neglect  of  varying  social  laws,  such  as 
are  acquired  either  by  mixing  with  the  world,  or  by 
that  self-culture  which  leads  a man  to  keep  himself 
acquainted  with  the  customs  of  the  day.  Good 
birth  and  good  training  are  the  privileges  of  the 
few  ; but  the  habits  and  manners  of  a gentleman 
may  be  acquired  by  any  man  who  cares  to  add  the 
graces  of  high  culture  to  the  knowledge  and  educa- 
tion necessary  to  success  in  any  position  in  life. 
Some  of  these  varying  social  laws  are  involved  in 
the  ceremony  of  leaving  cards  ; which  laws  have 
through  many  years  been  derided  as  meaningless 
and  stupid  by  the  ignorant  ; as  well  as  by  many 
whose  visiting  is  so  simple  as  to  need  no  rules  to 
regulate  ceremonious  calls. 

WHAT  CARDS  MEAN. 

“The  card  is  the  medium  of  social  intercourse 
when  we  are  in  our  gayest  moods,  and  we  choose  it 
to  convey  our  sympathies  to  the  sorrowful.  The 
friendliest  sentiments  are  expressed  by  a timely 


VISITINCx  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


49 


card,  and  our  coldest  and  bitterest  dislikes  can  be 
similarly  carried  to  an  enemy.  It  tells  its  little 
story  of  fondness,  or  of  indifference,  according  to 
the  promptness  and  the  method  of  its  arrival.  It 
announces  a friend  and  it  says  good  bye.  It  con- 
gratulates delicately,  but  unmistakably,  and  it  is  the 
brief  bearer  of  tidings  which  a volume  could  explain 
with  no  more  clearness.” 

THE  STYLE  OF  CARDS. 

The  texture  of  visiting  cards  should  be  fine  ; they 
should  be  engraved  in  plain  script  ; their  size  neither 
too  small  nor  too  large;  there  should  be  no  flourishes, 
but  clear  medium  sized  letters,  with  the  prefix  Mrs. 
or  Miss  tor  ladies  and  Mr.  tor  gentlemen.  It  a lady 
have  a title  she  may  prefix  it  to  her  name,  as  Rev. 
Mary  C.  Burgess  ; Dr.  Ida  M.  Thomas.  No  lady 
should  use  a suggestion  of  her  husband’s  political 
honor,  religious  rank,  military  or  naval  position,  or 
his  professional  occupation,  either  by  abbreviation 
or  otherwise.  She  does  not  wish  to  be  received  for 
his  sake,  but  for  her  own.  A lady  may  be  mentioned 
with  the  honorable  prefix  the  husband  bears,  but 
she  should  never  assume  it  herself.  It  is  not  eti- 
quette and  is  in  bad  taste  ; besides,  custom  permits 
her  to  leave  her  husband’s  card  with  her  own  upon 
all  those  occasions  which  require  hers,  and  in  many 
instances  the  use  of  his  card  with  hers  is  a matter 
of  strict  etiquette. 


50 


VISITING-  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


With  gentlemen,  it  is  customary  to  prefix  to  the 
name,  military  and  naval  indications  of  rank,  as 
Gen.,  Adm.,  etc.;  professional  titles,  such  as  Right 
Rev.,  Rev.  and  Dr.;  but  in  this  country  Hon.  and 
Excellency,  for  which  there  is  no  warrant  but  cour- 
tesy, are  never  taken  by  the  unassuming. 

The  street  and  number  are  engraved  in  the  lower 
left  hand  corner. 

The  mother’s  and  eldest  daughter’s  names  are 
upon  the  same  card  usually  during  two  years  after 
the  daughter  enters  society,  unless  she  is  sooner 
superceded  by  a younger  sister.  If  not  deposed,  she 
may  remain  upon  her  mother’s  card  as  long  as  she 
likes. 

When  two  daughters  have  "been  followed  into 
society  by  a third  one,  it  is  in  good  taste  to  order 

MISSES  MORTON 

engraved  upon  a card  with  the  address,  and  an  “ at 
home  ” day.  This  card  is  for  convenience  only  ; 
each  young  lady  has  her  separate  card  for  individ- 
ual uses. 

A widow  has  no  card  during  the  first  year  of 
mourning,  because  she  does  not  visit.  After  that 
her  own  Christian  name,  with  the  prefix  Mrs.,  of 
course,  should  be  engraved  upon  it.  Her  married 
name  is  obsolete. 

VISITING  AND  CARDS  FOR  LADIES. 

Says  a writer: 


“ Neither  the  little  burg  nor  the 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  5 I 

great  city  should  know  any  difference  in  the  conduct 
of  the  individuals  composing  its  population.  Allow- 
ing for  the  necessary  variations  in  the  tenor  of  daily 
life  in  the  two  places,  there  should  be  complete 
union  regarding  the  proprieties  ; one  code  of 
behavior  should  cover  all,  and  a person  going  from 
one  place  to  the  other,  should  be  utterly  undis- 
tinguishable  by  his  conduct  from  those  around  him. 
If,  indeed,  every  one  took  pains  to  be  informed  con- 
cerning the  right  and  best  in  social  intercourse  and 
usage,  and  looked  at  the  matter  as  one  of  real  im- 
portance and  not  of  frivolous  trifling,  rudeness  and 
awkwardness  would  soon  disappear  from  among  us. 
In  this  connection  another  class  of  persons  may  be 
mentioned.  The  one  comprising  that  large  number 
who,  having  seen  certain  rules  in  books,  treating 
upon  etiquette,  rely  upon  them  instead  of  upon 
those  unwritten  rules  which  have  been  handed 
down  in  families  from  generation  to  generation, 
with  only  such  changes  as  the  changing  states  of 
society  require.  Here  books  are  prejudicial,  because 
instead  of  giving  rules  suited  to  the  present  customs 
of  society,  they  do  little  more  than  repeat  the  rules 
of  a by-gone  age. 

Still  another  class  of  persons  cite  the  customs 
prevailing  in  the  best  society  with  which  they  are 
familiar,  as  the  general  customs  of  society  at  its 
best.  No  more  effectual  barrier  to  progress  can  be 
found  than  this  class  builds  up.  Northing  short  of 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


a revolution  can  demolish  such  barriers,  and  we 
have  no  Caesars  nor  Napoleons  in  our  American 
scoiety  to  ride  over  them,  trampling  them  down  on 
their  way.  For  every  item  of  the  regulatians  of 
the  best  society  there  is  a reason,  and  usually  a 
compulsory  one.  Having  been  made  intelligently, 
most  of  them  can  be  rediscovered  by  intelligence, 
although  for  some  of  the  finer  distinctions,  exper- 
ience may  be  necessary.  Obedience  to  these  social 
laws  is  what  obedience  to  law  is  in  political  life, 
and  the  obligations  which  individuals  feel  in  their 
observance  is  said  to  be  binding  in  proportion  to  the 
fineness  of  their  sense  of  honor  and  the  keenness 
of  their  self-respect. 

Etiquette  is  the  sovereign  ruler  of  social  pleasure; 
its  kingdom  comprises  not  only  manners,  but  the 
application  of  manners events.  The  observance 
of  its  laws  avoids  confusion  and  maintains  decorum, 
insuring  to  each  individual,  due  attention  and 
respect.  Its  whole  attention  is  to  maintain  the 
dignity  of  the  individual  and  the  comfort  of  the 
community.  Whatever  enjoyment  of  our  daily 
existence  we  have,  so  far  as  others  are  concerned, 
is  possible  only  through  our  obedience  to  the  laws 
of  that  etiquette  which  governs  the  whole  machin- 
ery, and  keeps  every  cog  and  wheel  in  place  and  at 
its  own  work,  which  prevents  jostling,  and  carries 
all  things  along  to  their  consummation. 

Surely  the  science  of  social  intercourse  and  its 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


53 


regulations  are  worthy  of  being  made  a study,  as 
the  means  through  which  people  meet  each  other, 
maintaining  harmony  and  peace  in  their  relations, 
and  securing  the  greatest  possible  amount  of  com- 
fort to  all. 

In  our  varying  social  forms,  cards  have  changed 
less  than  anything  else.  They  are  very  much  the 
same,  at  least  in  style,  as  a hundred  years  ago. 

To-day  the  same  formalities  of  card  etiquette 
prevail  throughout  the  entire  country,  with  the 
exception  of  Washington,  which  has  customs  pecu- 
liar to  its  fluctuating  political  conditions.  Card  and 
other  etiquette  is  governed  by  its  own  social  by- 
laws, to  which  no  other  place  could  conform. 

FIRST  CALLS. 

In  France,  when  a new-comer  of  recognized 
respectability  fixes  his  residence  in  a place,  he  or 
she  is  expected  to  pay  the  first  visit.  In  England 
among  equals  in  rank,  an  invitation  to  call  follows 
the  leaving  of  a card — if  the  acquaintance  is  desired. 
In  America  the  settled  residents  pay  the  initiatory 
courtesies,  although  in  the  large  cities,  when  a 
family  returns  after  a considerable  absence,  it  is 
usual  to  send  cards  to  their  friends  and  acquaint- 
ances to  announce  their  arrival,  and  to  make  known 
their  address. 

Says  the  author  of  ^'Social  Etiquette:''  “In. 
New  York,  an  introduction  by  one  method  or 


54 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


another  is  a formal  necessity.”  As  the  card  etiquette 
of  New  York  is  the  same  as  in  other  places  in 
America,  (except — as  has  been  already  stated — 
Washington),  I quote  further  from  this  author — as 
I have  frequent  occasion  to  do:  “ An  acquaintance 

to  be  formed  between  ladies  who  are  strangers, 
may  be  arranged  by  leaving  or  sending  cards,  where 
a personal  presentation  is  inconvenient,  and  when 
each  one  has  a proper  and  justifiable  knowledge  of 
the  other.  The  introducing  lady  or  gentleman  uses 
the  following  formula,  writing  it  upon  the  upper 
left  of  her  or  his  visiting-card: 

Introducing 
Mrs.  Felix  Field. 

This  card  is  inclosed  in  an  unsealed  envelope 
with  that  of  the  lady  presented.  This  envelope 
must  be  of  a fine  quality,  and  either  be  posted  or 
sent  by  messenger.  If  it  goes  by  mail,  an  outer 
envelope  which  is  sealed  incloses  it. 

There  was  a time  when  a messenger  only  was 
considered  either  proper  or  courteous,  but  the  postal 
delivery  is  now  approved,  and  is  satisfactory  for  the 
uses  of  the  greater  part  of  a lady’s  messages.  The 
lady  who  receives  the  two  cards  must  call  in  per- 
son, or,  if  this  be  impossible,-  some  member  of  the 
family  must  call,  or  a letter  be  sent  to  explain  the 
omission.  Nothing  less  than  this  is  possible,  with- 
out offending  the  introducing  party. 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


55 


If  the  call  is  made  upon  the  sender  of  the  two 
cards,  not  more  than  three  days  should  intervene 
between  this  courtesy  and  the  introduction.  This 
visit  must  be  as  promptly  returned,  unless  an  “At 
home”  day  is  mentioned,  either  upon  the  visiting 
card  or  during  the  interview.  If  no  special  civili- 
ties are  extended,  and  the  introduced  lady  lives  at 
a distance,  she  must  leave  a card  with  p.  p.  c.  (^pour 
prendre  conge ; to  take  leave)  written  upon  it,  to 
give  information  of  her  departure  ; but,  if  their  ac- 
quaintance has  gone  no  further  than  one  visit  each, 
she  need  not  call  again,  and  her  leave-taking  card 
closes  the  courtesy.  If  she  be  a resident  of  the 
city,  she  may  include  the  new  acquaintance  in  her 
formal  visiting  list,  and  invite  her  to  receptions;  but 
she  cannot  first  ask  the  acquaintance  whom  she  has 
herself  desired,  to  a breakfast,  luncheon  or  dinner, 
unless  there  is  an  especial  reason  for  it  which  is 
clearly  understood  to  be  acceptable  to  the  acquaint- 
ance who  has  been  sought.  It  would  be  obtrusive. 
The  first  hospitalit}^  is  a privilege  very  properly 
reserved  to  the  one  who  has  received  an  unsought 
acquaintance. 

After  a personal  introduction,  the  oldest  resident 
may,  if  she  choose,  leave  a card  which  must  be 
similarly  acknowledged  within  a week,  unless  a vis- 
iting day  is  engraved  or  written  upon  the  card  of 
the  first  caller,  when  that  special  occasion  cannot 
be  overlooked  without  !li  return  card  or  a written 


56  VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 

apology.  No  further  visiting  is  necessary,  unless 
mutually  convenient  and  agreeable. 

Even  this  limited  intercourse  makes  frequent 
meetings  in  society  easier  and  more  agreeable,  and 
it  involves  nothing.  It  is  simply  ornamenting  the 
barren  wastes  of  speechlessness,  and  makes  it  easy 
for  the  American  to  avoid  the  vulgar  habit  of  silence, 
even  at  a private  party,  when  he  is  not  introduced. 
Happily  this  appalling  lack  of  courtesy,  when  speech 
would  be  a kindly  assistance  to  the  hostess,  even  if 
not  wholly  agreeable  to  guests,  is  drifting  into  the 
past  along  with  many  other  of  those  gauclieries 
that  are  natural  to  a youthful  country.” 

At  watering  places  and  country  estates,  calls  are 
made  upon  those  who  arrive  later.  At  places  of 
summer  resort,  those  who  own  their  cottages  call 
first  upon  those  who  rent  them  ; and  those  who 
rent,  in  turn,  call  upon  each  other  according  to  the 
priority  of  arrival,  while  both  those  who  own  and 
those  who  rent  call  first  upon  friends  arriving  at  the 
hotels.  In  all  these  cases  exceptions  should  be 
made  where  there  is  any  great  difference  in  the  age  ; 
the  younger  then  calling  upon  the  elder,  if  there 
has  been  a previous  acquaintance  or  exchange  of 
calls.  In  first  calls  it  is  well  to  remember  the  Eng- 
lish rule.  The  lady  highest  in  rank  makes  the  first 
call  in  England;  and  here,  where  age  gives  prece- 
dence, the  elder  lady  pays  the  first  call,  unless  she 
takes  the  initiative  by  inviting  the  younger  to  call 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  5/ 

upon  her,  or  by  sending  her  an  invitation  to  some 
entertainment  which  she  is  about  to  give. 

When  it  becomes  a question  as  to  which  shall 
call  first  (at  places  of  summer  resort)  between  per- 
sons occupying  neighboring  villas,  who  arrived  from 
different  cities  at  the  same  time,  the  lady  whose 
home  is  in  the  city  nearest  the  watering  place  would 
feel  herself  at  liberty  to  make  the  first  call, 
if  she  desired  to  make  the  acquaintance  of  her 
neighbor,  provided  they  had  both  rented  the 
villas  for  the  first  time  that  season.  If  not,  the  one 
who  has  been  the  longest  occupant,  calls  first  with- 
out reference  to  the  distances  of  their  resjpective 
cities.  When  the  occupants  of  two  villas,  who  have 
arrived  the  same  season,  meet  at  the  house  of  a 
common  friend,  and  the  elder  of  the  two  uses  her 
privilege  of  inviting  the  other  to  call,  there  could 
be  no  further  question  as  to  who  should  make  the 
first  visit.  The  sooner  the  call  is  made  after  such 
an  invitation  is  extended,  the  more  civil  will  it  be 
considered.  Not  to  call  would  be  a positive  rude- 
ness. Equally  rude  is  it  when  one  lady  asks  per- 
mission of  another  to  bring  a friend  to  call,  and  then 
neglects  to  do  it  after  permission  is  given. 

In  some  foreign  countries  calls  are  often  returned 
within  twenty-four  hours  ; there  are  no  exceptions 
anywhere  to  the  rule  that  all  first  calls  should  be 
returned  promptly.  If  the  acquaintance  is  not  de- 
sired, the  first  call  can  be  the  last, 

5 


58:  VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 

When,  in  place  of  a first  call,  an  invitation  to  an 
entertainment  has  been  given,  the  lady  invited 
should  at  once  leave  cards  and  send  either  an  ac- 
ceptance or  a regret.  Whether  she  attends  the  en- 
tertainment or  not,  she  should  call  within  three 
days  after  it.  All  first  calls  should  be  returned 
within  three  days.  A longer  delay  than  a week  is 
considered  an  intimation  that  you  are  unwilling  to 
accept  the  new  acquaintance,  unless  some  excuse  is 
made  for  the  omission. 

Another  authority  says  on  the  subject  of  first 
calls:  “A  very  desirable  and  polite  expedient  has 

been  substituted  for  first  calls,  in  the  sending  out 
of  cards,  for  several  days  in  the  month,  by  a lady 
who  wishes  to  begin  her  social  life  in  a new  city. 
These  may  or  may  not  be  accompanied  by  the 
card  of  some  well-known  friend.  If  these  cards 
bring  the  desired  visits,  or  the  cards  of  the  desired 
guests,  the  beginner  may  feel  that  she  has  started 
on  her  society  career  with  no  loss  of  self-respect. 
Those  who  do  not  respond  are  generally  in  the  mi- 
nority. Too  much  haste  in  making  new  acquaint- 
ances, however,  ' pushing,’  as  it  is  called,  cannot  be 
too  much  deprecated.”  This  method  of  getting 
into  society”  looks  very  like  “pushing,”  and  we 
would  not  advise  its  adoption.  You  would  better 
bide  your  time  and  have  less  to  regret.  The  friend, 
whose  card  you  would  send  by  this  plan,  can  man- 
age to  make  you  acquainted  with  her  friends,  and 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  J9 

in  the  course  of  social  events  you  will  probably  take 
your  place  where  you  belong. 

P.  P.  C.  CARDS. 

“ When  a lady  leaves  town  for  the  season,  for  a 
voyage,  or  any  protracted  absence,  she  sends  p.  p.  c. 
cards  {^pour  prendre  co7tge) — to  take  leave — to  such 
of  her  friends  or  acquaintances  as  she  is  indebted 
to  for  unacknowledged  courtesies.  She  sends 
also  her  temporary  address  if  she  cares  to  do  so. 
When  she  returns  to  town  again,  and  is  ready  to 
receive,  she  sends  out  her  visiting  cards  with  her 
receiving  day  engraved  upon  the  left  hand  corner. 
A properly  kept  visiting  record  will  explain  which 
lady  should  make  the  first  visit  in  the  autumn.” 

CHANGE  OF  RESIDENCE. 

“When  a lady  changes  her  residence,  she  must 
leave  her  card  with  her  new  address,  upon  those  to 
whom  she  is  indebted  for  a visit;  but  she  need  not 
enter,  and  she  may  send  it  by  post  to  those  upon 
whom  she  made  the  last  call.  Her  new  neighbor- 
hood may  be  out  of  the  .limits  of  her  late  friends’ 
visiting  range,  or  it  may  be  located  in  a street  that 
is  distasteful;  hence  the  first  card  should  never  in- 
clude a call  upon  a formal  acquaintance.” 

LAST  CALL  OF  A YOUNG  LADY  ABOUT  TO  BE  MARRIED. 

The  card  of  the  mother  or  chaperon  accompa- 
nies that  of  the  young  lady  about  to  be  married, 


6o 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


which  she  leaves  upon  her  friends  in  person  about 
four  weeks  before  the  wedding.  Their  names  are 
not  engraved  upon  the  same  card.  She  leaves  her 
separate  card  for  each  lady  member  of  the  family 
upon  which  she  calls,  thus  intimating  that  she  per- 
sonally desires  to  retain  their  friendship. 

EXPRESSIONS  OF  SYMPATHY. 

“If  death  occurs  in  the  household  of  a friend,  a 
card  with  any  appropriate  sentiment  written  upon 
it,  or  a box  of  cut  flowers  and  a card,  should  be 
sent  directly.  The  flowers  are  not  intended  for 
the  funeral,  but  as  an  emblem  of  personal  sympa- 
thy and  affection.  The  same  gentle  recognition  of 
any  felicitous  event,  such  as  the  birth  of  a child,  a 
private  wedding,  the  entering  of  a new  house,  etc., 
is  a pleasant  but  not  rigid  etiquette  among  friends 
and  admirers. 

‘ ‘ Among  acquaintances  the  card  only,  with  no 
intruding  expression  upon  it,  is  left,  either  with  or 
without  flowers — usually  without  when  a sorrow 
has  fallen  upon  a family.  This  card  may  be  that 
of  a stranger  even;  but  it  is  never  sent;  it  is  al- 
ways left  in  person,  or  it  is  carried  by  special  mes- 
senger, as  a more  delicate  recognition  of  the  grave 
event.  This  act  is  one  of  gentle  kindness,  and 
demands  no  acknowledgement  whatever.  It  is 
compelled  by  too  delicate  a sentiment  for  the  sym- 
pathizer to  desire  a reply. 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


6i 


‘‘This  etiquette  is  not  a necessity,  but  is  only  a 
proof  of  gentle  breeding  and  refined  manners.” 

HOURS  FOR  CARD  LEAVING  AND  CALLING. 

Calling  hours  vary  in  our  cities  and  towns,  be- 
ginning as  early  as  twelve  o’clock  in  some  small 
places.  From  two  to  four  is  preferred  by  many, 
as  during  that  time  neither  the  lunch  nor  the  after- 
noon drive  is  interfered  with.  The  most  fashion- 
able hours  are  between  two  and  five  o’clock.  Calls 
or  visits  made  before  six  o’  clock  are  called  morning 
calls,  or  morning  visits.  Evening  calls  are  made 
between  half-past  eight  and  ten  o’clock.  Evening 
calls  are  made  only  by  gentlemen,  except  among 
intimate  friends,  unless  a lady  gives  one  evening  a 
week  to  the  reception  of  visitors. 

AT  HOME. 

If  a lady  is  driving  when  she  makes  her  call,  her 
man-servant  will  inquire  if  the  lady  of  the  house  is 
“at  home.”  If  “at  home,”  the  lady  calling  will 
leave  two  of  her  husband’s  cards  on  the  hall  table 
in  a conspicuous  place,  or  hand  them  to  the  serv- 
ant; one  card  for  the  master  and  one  for  the  mis- 
tress of  the  house.  Having  seen  the  lady  of  the 
house,  she  will  not  leave  her  own  card.  When 
the  mistress  of  the  house  is  “at  home,”  the  lady 
must  not  give  her  card  to  the  servant.  If  the  ser- 
vant does  not  know  the  visitor’s  name,  he  will  say 
to  her,  “ What  name,  if  you  please.^  ” He  will  pre- 


62 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


cede  the  visitor  to  the  parlor  where  the  lady  is  re- 
ceiving and  announce  ‘‘Mrs.  Courtland.” 

There  are  exceptions  to  all  rules,  and  the  excep- 
tion to  the  rule  of  not  giving  the  servant  a card 
when  the  lady  is  “at  home,”  is  this:  the  ser- 

vant has  not  had  previous  instructions  in  reference 
to  his  mistress  being  “at  home,”  or  not  “at 
home,”  the  card  should  be  sent  in  (only  one, 
and  that  not  turned  down),  to  ascertain  whether 
the  lady  or  ladies  are  “at  home”  to  visitors. 
Of  course  he  could  ascertain  their  wishes  in  refer- 
ence to  receiving  generally,  but  it  frequently 
happens  that  ladies  are  “at  home”  to  their  friends 
when  not  “at  home”  to  acquaintances,  and  ser- 
vants do  not  always  understand  the  name  of  a 
visitor. 

ENGAGED,  OR  NOT  “AT  HOME.” 

If  not  “ at  home,”  the  lady  calling  will  hand  the 
servant  three  cards,  one  of  her  own  and  two  of  her 
husband’s  (it  is  no  longer  stylish  for  the  names  of 
husband  and  wife  to  be  engraved  upon  the  same 
card,  except  directly  after  marriage),  the  card  of 
the  lady  will  be  for  the  lady  of  the  house,  as  a lady 
leaves  a card  for  ladies  only;  a gentleman  leaves 
cards  for  both  husband  and  wife.  After  the  first 
call  of  the  season  it  is  not  necessary  to  leave  the 
husband’s  cards  except  after  an  invitation  to  dinner. 

The  servant  of  the  lady  calling  will  hand  these 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  63 

cards  to  the  servant  answering  the  door  without 
remark. 

If  a lady  is  walking  when  she  leaves  her  cards, 
or  pays  her  visit,  she  will  repeat  the  same  formula, 
if  the  lady  upon  whom  she  calls  is  not  “at  home.” 

If  the  lady  is  merely  leaving  cards  and  not  in- 
tending to  call,  she  would  hand  the  three  cards  to 
her  servant,  saying,  “ For  Mrs.  Smith,”  and  he  will 
repeat,  “For  Mrs.  Smith”  to  the  servant  answer- 
ing the  door.  Mentioning  the  name  insures  leaving 
the  cards  at  the  right  door. 

Some  writers  upon  etiquette,  object  to  the  form- 
ula “ not  at  home  ” being  used,  when  ladies  are  en- 
gaged, or  do  not  wish  to  receive  vishors.  It  does 
not  involve  a falsehood,  as  every  one  knows  what 
it  means.  Words  are  symbols  and  if  we  have  made 
these  three  little  words  symbolize  something  foreign 
to  their  ordinary  meaning,  we  must  understand 
what  it  is  and  accept  it  accordingly.  It  is  custom. 

A lady  should  be  very  careful  to  instruct  her  ser- 
vant, before  the  calling  hours,  what  her  wishes  are 
with  reference  to  receiving.  If  she  is  ‘ ‘ not  at 
home,”  the  servant  should  say  so  as  soon  as  he  is 
asked  if  she  is  receiving;  for  a visitor  once  admitted 
into  the  house  must  be  seen  at  any  inconvenience. 
If  the  lady  has  a day  for  receiving,  the  servant 
should  say,  “Mrs.  Jones  receives  on  Wednesdays.” 


64  VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 

A LADY  CALLING,  ACCOMPANIED  BY  HER  HUSBAND. 

Ladies  are  seldom  accompanied  by  their  hus- 
bands when  calling;  if,  however,  the  husband  does 
call  with  the  wife  and  the  lady  is  ‘‘at  home,”  he 
leaves  one  of  his  own  cards  for  the  gentleman  of. 
the  house,  which  would  be  the  only  card  left.  If 
the  gentleman  of  the  house  is  at  home,  no  cards 
are  left. 

CALLING  WHERE  THERE  IS  A DAUGHTER  OR 
DAUGHTERS, 

the  lady  leaves  a separate  card  for  them.  But  she 
does  not  leave  her  husband’s  card  for  them. 

CALLING  WHERE  THERE  ARE  SONS, 

she  leaves  her  husband’s  cards  upon  them  but  does 
not  leave  her  own. 

CALLING  WHERE  THERE  ARE  GUESTS 

stopping  with  a friend,  the  lady  leaves  cards  upon 
them,  as  well  as  upon  the  friend. 

If  a lady  is  calling  upon  guests  where  she  does 
not  know  the  host  and  hostess,  she  must  inquire  if 
the  ladies  are  at  home;  if  she  is  not  admitted  she 
must  leave  cards  for  the  host  and  hostess  as  well 
as  for  the  guests,  as  this  is  one  of  the  first  require- 
ments of  good  breeding. 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


65 


AT  RECEPTIONS. 

Cards  are  always  left  in  the  hall  when  entering 
a reception.  This  custom  makes  the  debtor  and 
creditor  list  of  the  entertainer  easier  to  arrange.  If 
an  invitation  to  a party  or  a reception  is  unavoid- 
ably declined  after  having  been  accepted,  cards  are 
sent  by  messenger  upon  the  same  evening  and  an 
explanatory  note  is  forwarded  the  next  day  when 
more  leisure  will  make  its  excuses  and  regrets  un- 
derstood. 

LEAVING  A son’s  CARDS. 

When  a son  has  lately  entered  society,  his  mother 
leaves  his  card,  also  her  husband’s,  upon  the  lady 
and  the  gentleman  of  the  house,  but  her  daughter’s 
cards  are  for  the  lady  only.  The  son’ s card  signi- 
fies that  he  is  in  society,  and  that  it  is  expected 
that  he  will  be  included  in  the  season’s  general 
invitations.  This  is  strict  etiquette.  In  a place  of 
busy  gentlemen,  such  an  arrangement  is  necessary. 
It  explains  family  conditions  which  otherwise  might 
not  be  understood;  and  after  one  invitation  is 
received  from  a lady  by  the  son  he  can  manage  his 
own  social  matters  with  her  by  making  his  party 
call,  and  leaving  his  own  card  and  address. 

If  the  mother  is  unable  to  attend  to  those  for- 
malities which  strict  etiquette  demands,  the  son’s 
entrance  into  society,  is  managed  by  a near  lady 
relative. 


66  VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 

TIME  FOR  RETURNING  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

All  first  calls  must  be  returned  within  three  days; 
also  calls  after  a dinner  or  entertainment  of  any 
kind,  if  it  is  a first  invitation,  must  be  made  within 
three  days.  After  subsequent  invitations  to  an 
entertainment,  ‘ ‘ the  cards  of  all  who  have  been 
invited,  whether  the  invitation  was  accepted,  or 
not,  are  to  be  left  by  some  member  of  the  family, 
upon  both  host  and  hostess,  and  also  upon  any  one 
for  whom  the  entertainment  may  have  been  given; 
within  a week  a single  lady  member  of  the  family 
may  perform  this  social  duty  of  returning  cards  of 
thanks  and  congratulations  upon  the  success  of  the 
fete,  because  in  the  height  of  the  gay  season,  pressing 
engagements  compel  a division  of  these  formalities. 
Gentlemen  cannot  assist  in  these  social  arrange- 
ments, and  thus  relieve  the  lady  members  of  the 
family.  They  may,  however,  leave  a lady’s  card  at 
a house  of  sorrow,  but  not  after  a festivity.” 

One  month  after  the  birth  of  a child  the  call  of 
congratulation  is  made  by  acquaintances.  Rela- 
tives and  intimate  friends  call  sooner,  often  to  the 
injury  of  the  young  mother  and  her  babe. 

A call  of  condolence  is  made  within  ten  days 
after  a death,  if  on  intimate  terms  with  the  family; 
otherwise  within  a month. 

In  exchanging  ordinary  calls  and  cards,  care  must 
be  taken  to  observe  the^etiquette  of  thej  person 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  6/ 

making  the  call  or  leaving  the  card;  a call  in  person 
must  not  be  returned  by  a card  only;  nor  a card  by 
a call. 

One  cannot  return  the  calls  of  elderly  ladies,  or 
even  of  one’s  equals  in  age,  by  leaving  cards  at  the 
door.  It  is  not  considered  respectful.  If  the  cards 
of  persons  much  younger  are  left  after  hospitalities 
extended  to  them,  one  can  make  a card  serve  for  a 
return  visit. 

A person  holding  a higher  social  position  can 
return  a card  by  a call  and  it  would  be  considered 
a compliment;  but  should  a lady  call  upon  an 
acquaintance  of  higher  social  position  than  herself, 
who  had  only  left  a card  for  her,  it  would  be  deemed 
an  impertinence. 

WRITING  ON  VISITING  CARDS. 

The  name  of  the  lady  or  gentleman  for  whom 
the  cards  are  intended,  must  never  be  written  on 
the  cards  left  at  the  house.  The  only  case  in  which 
it  may  be  done,  is  when  the  cards  are  left  for  a lady 
or  gentleman  staying  at  a crowded  hotel;  to  insure 
their  delivery  to  the  proper  person,  the  name, 
'‘For  Mrs.  Brown,  ” should  be  written  above  the 
engraved  name  of  the  person  leaving  the  card. 

WHEN  CARDS  SHOULD  BE  LEFT  IN  PERSON. 

It  is  proper  to  call  in  person,  or  to  leave  cards  of 
congratulation  and  condolence  or  after  receiving 


68 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


any  unusual  attention.  After  an  acquaintance  has 
lost  a relative,  a call  should  be  made  in  person; 
also  after  an  engagement  of  marriage  is  announced; 
after  a marriage;  after  a return  from  a voyage,  and 
after  an  invitation  has  been  extended.  However, 
if  it  is  impossible  to  pay  these  calls  in  persc^n,  a 
card  may  be  sent,  except  in  the  case  of  an  invita- 
tion to  dinner.  A lady  who  gives  a dinner  must 
call  upon  her  expected  guests,  if  she  owe  them  a 
call,  before  she  sends  invitations  to  them,  so  of 
course,  after  the  dinner,  the  invited,  whether  they 
accept  or  decline,  must  pay  the  visit  or  call  in  per- 
son, unless  grief  or  illness  has  been  the  reason  for 
declining  the  invitation.  Cards  to  inquire  after 
friends  during  illness,  must  be  left  in  person  or  they 
may  be  sent  by  a servant.  First  visits  must  be 
returned  in  person. 

WHEN  CARDS  SHOULD  BE  LEFT.- 

Visiting  cards  should  be  left  after  every  enter- 
tainment, by  those  who  have  been  invited  whether 
they  have  accepted  the  invitation  or  not,  and  they 
should  be  left  the  next  day  after  the  entertainment, 
if  possible,  and  certainly  within  ten  days.  By  en- 
tertainment is  meant  dinners,  balls,  “at  homes,” 
private  theatricals,  amateur  concerts,  garden  par- 
ties, birthday  parties,  etc.  It  is  not  customary 
to  receive  the  calls  that  are  made  after  an  enter- 
tainment, excepting  where  the  lady  has  a day,  or 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  69 

when  she  has  friends  staying  with  her.  For  this 
reason,  persons  who  wish  to  leave  cards  only,  call 
within  the  prescribed  three  days,  as  they  are  then 
sure  of  not  being  admitted,  where  the  customs  of 
society  are  understood.  However,  after  a dinner, 
as  has  been  stated,  it  is  the  rule  to  ask  if  the  lady 
is  “at  home.”  To  dine  at  a house  denotes  a greater 
intimacy  than  the  being  present  at  a large  gathering. 

WEEKLY  RECEPTION  DAYS. 

Among  authorities  consulted,  one,  a titled  lady, 
says:  “To  receive  visitors  on  a stated  day  in  each 

week  is  only  justified  by  a lofty  position,”  Says 
another:  “Unless  the  lady  has  professional  duties, 

or  is  very  much  occupied  with  social  ones,  there  is 
a sort  of  affectation  about  this,  as  it  assumes  that 
your  acquaintances  will  specially  charge  themselves 
with  remembering  your  particular  day.” 

“Order  is  heaven’s  first  law,”  and  it  facilitates  the 
orderly  working  of  a household  to  have  a regular 
visiting  day,  as  well  as  to  have  regular  days  for  dif- 
ferent kinds  of  work. 

The  ladies  in  the  same  neighborhood  should  have 
the  same  day,  the  oldest  resident  fixing  the  day. 
This  custom,  which  is  practiced  in  some  cities,  facil- 
itates visiting,  saves  time  and  is  otherwise  con- 
venient. 

When  a lady  announces  that  she  will  receive  on 
a certain  day  every  week,  it  is  hot  courteous  to 


70 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


leave  cards  on  that  day  without  going  in,  nor  to  call 
upon  any  other  day,  as  it  seems  to  denote  a wish 
not  to  see  her.  One  asks:  “If  a number  of  ladies 
who  are  friends  receive  on  the  same  day,  when  and 
how  will  they  visit  each  other?  Can  cards  be  sent 
through  others?”  The  call  must  be  made  some 
other  day;  cards  cannot  be  sent  through  others. 
Some  ladies  who  are  at  home  to  acquaintances  only 
on  their  reception  days,  admit  intimate  friends  any 
day  and  at  any  time.  A first  call  should  not  be 
made  on  reception  days. 

STRANGERS  IN  TOWN. 

Strangers  stopping  in  town  should  send  cards 
with  their  addresses  to  the  friends  and  acquaint- 
ances whom  they  wish  to  see.  These  cards  may  go 
by  post. 

CARDS  TO  INQUIRE. 

Cards  to  inquire  after  friends  during  illness  must 
be  left  in  person  and  not  sent  b)^  post.  On  a lady’s 
visiting  card  must  be  written  above  the  name  “To 
inquire,”  adding  nothing  else.  It  has  been  sug- 
gested by  a prominent  authority  that  cards  to  re- 
turn thanks  for  inquiries  might  be  engraved  as 
follows:  “Mrs.  Brown  presents  her  compliments 

and  returns  thanks  for  kind  inquiries.”  This  card 
might  be  sent  by  post  to  all  friends  who  had  left 
cards  “to  inquire,”  in  acknowledgment  of  their 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  ^/I 

kindness.  The  same  authority  suggests  also  that  a 
similar  card  might  be  engraved  and  used  by  the  af- 
flicted, those  who  have  lost  a friend  or  relative. 
“Mr.  A — begs  to  express  his  thanks  for  your  kind 
sympathy  in  his  recent  bereavement.”  This  would 
save  much  letter-writing.  Both  the  above  sugges- 
tions are  worthy  of  adoption. 

“For  the  purpose  of  returning  thanks,  printed 
cards  are  sold  with  the  owner’s  name  written  above 
the  printed  words.  These  printed  cards  are  gener- 
ally sent  by  post,  as  they  are  dispatched  while  the 
person  inquired  after  is  still  an  invalid.  These 
cards  are  also  used  to  convey  the  intelligence  of 
the  sender’s  recovery.  Therefore  they  would  not 
be  sent  while  the  person  was  in  danger  or  seriously 
ill.” 

Cards  of  condolence  should  be  returned  with 
mourning  cards,  when  the  family  are  ready  to  ap- 
pear again  in  society. 

WHEN  CARDS  MAY  BE  SENT  BY  MAIL. 

A lady  upon  changing  her  residence  in  the  city 
leaves  a card  in  person  on  those  to  whom  she  is  in- 
debted, but  to  those  upon  whom  she  called  last,  she 
may  send  her  card  by  post.  Cards  sent  to  acquaint- 
ances upon  one’s  returning  to  town  are  sent  by  post; 
so  also  are  p.  p.  c.  cards,  and  invitations  and  replies. 


72 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


FOLDING  OR  TURNING  DOWN  THE  ENDS  OF  CARDS. 

Cards  left  in  person  (except  those  left  on  recep- 
tion days)  should  be  turned  down  across  one  end. 
If  not  turned  down  it  would  denote  either  that  it 
had  been  left  on  a reception  day  or  had  been  sent 
in  to  ascertain  if  the  ladies  were  at  ‘‘at  home,”  or 
that  it  had  been  sent  by  a servant.  It  does  not 
matter  which  end  of  the  card  is  folded  over,  though 
the  right  is  given  the  preference,  merely  because  it 
facilitates  the  reading  of  the  reception  day  in  the 
lower  left  corner.  The  turning  of  different  corners 
to  signify  different  kinds  of  calls  is  obsolete.  Fold- 
ing or  turning  down  a card  means  simply  that  one 
has  called  in  person. 

ladies’  visiting  list. 

Every  lady  who  has  a large  acquaintance  should 
keep  a visiting  book  in  which  to  record  the  names 
of  her  acquaintances,  and  the  date  when  their 
cards  were  left  upon  her,  with  the  date  of  her  re- 
turn cards  upon  them,  and  such  other  data  of  her 
“list”  as  would  tax  the  memory  without  this  rec- 
ord. This  is  valuable  and  necessary  in  sending  out 
invitations. 

WHEN  A LADY  HAS  NO  RECEPTION  DAY. 

When  a lady  has  no  day  she  should  instruct^  the 
servant  in  the  morning  as  to  whom  she  will  see,  or 
whether  she  will  be  “at  home”  to  any  one.  If 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


73 


she  is  receiving,  she  should  be  dressed  and  ready 
to  see  visitors  at  the  conventional  hour  and  not 
keep  them  waiting.  If  she  should  for  any  reason 
be  delayed,  she  should  send  down  and  ascertain  if 
the  delay  will  inconvenience  the  visitor.  The  serv- 
ant should  return  to  the  parlor  and  say,  “Mrs.  

will  be  down  in  a moment.”  An  apology  for  any 
delay  is  due  to  the  visitor. 

The  cards  of  gentlemen  brought  by  the  ladies  of 
the  family,  and  of  aged  persons  who  no  longer 
make  personal  visits,  are  left  on  the  hall  table,  un- 
less the  servant  has  a tray  to  receive  them. 

If  the  servant  is  not  properly  instructed  and  ad- 
mits a lady  when  the  mistress  is  not  receiving,  she 
can  do  no  better  than  to  go  to  the  parlor  and  wait, 
saying  to  the  servant  at  the  same  time  that  if  the 
mistress  is  engaged  she  need  not  take  the  trouble 
to  come  down. 

GUEST  AND  HOSTESS. 

If  you  are  a guest  at  a house,  it  is  your  duty  to 
see  that  your  hostess  is  not  annoyed  with  any  dis- 
respect shown  her  by  your  visitors.  They  should 
always  ask  for  the  hostess  and  leave  cards  for  her. 
Should  they,  through  inadvertence,  overlook  these 
courtesies,  you  can  quietly  and  delicately  suggest 
them. 

If  you  are  the  hostess  and  guests  use  your  draw- 
ing-room to  receive  visitors  who  have  not  asked 
6 


74 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


for  you,  and  an  acquaintance  calls  upon  you,  do  not 
receive  him  in  another  room,  but,  as  mistress  of 
your  own  house,  receive  him  in  your  drawing-room. 

CALLING  AMONG  STRANGERS. 

If,  in  calling  upon  the  lady  of  the  house  or  her 
guest,  you  should  be  shown  into  a room  where 
were  assembled  a company  of  visitors  to  whom  you 
are  unknown,  give  your  name  at  once  and  say  upon 
whom  you  have  called. 

RECALLING  NAMES. 

If  you  cannot  recall  the  name  of  the  person  to 
whom  you  are  speaking,  say  so  frankly.  No  well- 
bred  person  will  take  offense  because  you  have  for- 
gotten his  name. 

VISITING  THE  SONS  AND  DAUGHTERS. 

If  the  sons  and  daughters  of  a family  are  invited 
without  the  parents — which  is  sometimes  done 
where  the  acquaintance  between  the  families  is 
recent,  and  the  social  circle  of  those  inviting  is 
large — the  parents  should  leave  or  send  cards  after 
the  entertainment  to  which  the  children  have  been 
invited,  as  a recognition  of  the  courtesy  extended 
to  them.  The  entertainers  should  return  the  cards, 
but  there  need  be  no  further  calling. 

ACQUAINTANCES  WHO  NEVER  MEET. 

It  sometimes  happens  that  ladies  exchange  calls 
for  years  without  ever  meeting  and  who  do  not 
know  each  other  by  sight.  They  should  seek  an 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


75 


opportunity  to  make  themselves  known  to  each 
other,  the  younger  seeking  the  elder,  although 
ladies  sure  of  themselves  and  their  social  positions, 
waive  all  ceremony  on  these  little  points. 

INFORMAL  CALLS. 

Ceremonious  visiting  is  necessary  to  keep  up  an 
acquaintance,  where  the  circle  is  too  large  for  social 
visiting,  but  intimate  friends  expect  and  should 
have  at  least  one  or  two  informal  calls  each  winter. 
The  most  satisfactory  of  all  visiting,  are  these  in- 
formal visits  in  plain  morning  dress. 

Some  ladies  are  “at  home”  to  their  most  inti- 
mate friends  at  all  hours,  who  are  not  “at  home” 
to  mere  acquaintances  in  calling  hours,  because 
most  acquaintances  do  not  expect  or  wish  to  be 
admitted. 

A CARD  FOR  A CALL. 

Formerly  it  was  considered  necessary  to  exchange 
calls  before  sending  invitations  to  families  but 
slightly  acquainted  with  each  other.  Now  cards  are 
enclosed  with  the  invitation  to  take  the  place  of  a 
call. 

NEW  ACQUAINTANCES. 

“It  is  not  considered  necessary  to  leave  cards 
after  a tea.  A lady  leaves  her  cards  as  she  enters 
the  hall,  pays  her  visit,  and  the  etiquette  of  a visit- 
ing acquaintance  is  thus  established  for  a year. 
She  should,  however,  give  a tea  herself,  asking  all 
her  entertainers. 


y6  VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 

‘'If  a lady  has  been  invited  to  a tea  or  other  en- 
tertainment through  a friend  without  having  known 
the  hostess,  she  is  bound  to  call  soon;  but  if  the  in- 
vitation is  not  followed  up  by  a return  card,  or 
another  invitation,  she  must  understand  that  the 
icquaintance  is  at  an  end.  She  may,  however,  in- 
vite her  new  friend  within  a reasonable  time,  to 
some  entertainment  at  her  own  house,  and  if  that  is 
accepted  the  acquaintance  goes  on.  It  is  soon  as- 
certained by  a young  woman  who  begins  life  in  a 
new  city  whether  her  new  friends  intend  to  be 
friendly  or  the  reverse.  A resident  in  a town  or 
village  can  call  with  propriety  on  any  new-comer. 
The  new-comer  must  return  this  call,  but  if  she 
does  not  desire  the  acquaintance,  this  can  be  the 
end  of  it.” 

HOW  MANY  MEMBERS  OF  A FAMILY  MAY  CALL  AT  THE 
SAME  TIME. 

Not  more  than  two  persons  of  one  family,  or  at 
the  most  three,  may  make  calls  together. 

A SUBSTITUTE  FOR  CALLS. 

A lady  giving  one  reception  a year,  to  which  she 
invites  all  her  acquaintances  may  be  excused  from 
making  calls  or  sending  cards,  unless  she  receives 
an  invitation  which  necessitates  the  making  of  a 
personal  call. 

If  a card  is  left  on  a lady’s  receiving  day,  she 
should  make  the  next  call. 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


77 


LADIES’  CALLING  TOILET. 

Ladies  making  calls  in  the  city  dress  more  ele- 
gantly than  for  walking  or  shopping.  At  places  of 
summer  resort,  ladies  may  make  informal  calls  in 
morning  dress,  or  they  may  make  cermonious  visits 
in  driving  toilette,  before  the  afternoon  drive. 

LADIES’  RECEPTION  TOILET. 

On  reception  days  a lady  dresses  richly  and 
plainly.  She  wears  a dark,  plain  dress,  without 
flowers,  or  diamonds,  these,  like  a man’s  dress  coat 
and  white  necktie,  are  reserved  for  the  dinner  toilet. 

RECEIVING  VISITORS. 

A lady  rises  when  her  visitors  enter,  but  does  not 
advance  to  meet  them;  they  come  to  her.  She 
seats  the  latest  arrivals  in  such  places  or  positions 
as  will  include  them  in  the  ^'circle”  in  such  a way 
as  to  enable  her  to  speak  with  each  .of  them  in 
turn.  A gentleman  takes  any  vacant  chair  without 
troubling  the  hostess.  Should  she  be  seated  upon 
a sofa,  he  must  not  seat  himself  beside  her  unless 
she  invite  him  to  do  so.  If  the  company  is  not  too 
large,  she  will  try  to  generalize  the  conversation, 
paying  no  more  attention  to  one  than  to  another, 
unless  it  be  to  the  aged,  the  stranger,  the  shy  and 
the  unfortunate.  If  she  is  a woman  of  true  refine- 
ment she  will  do  this.  If  she  is  a snob,  not  sure 
of  her  social  position,  she  will  give  her  sweetest 
smiles  to  the  rich  and  the  fashionable. 


78 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


A lady — unless  in  her  own  house — does  not  rise 
upon  the  arrival  or  departure  of  guests,  unless  they 
are  much  older  than  herself.  “Attention  to  the 
aged  is  one  of  the  marks  of  good  breeding  which  is 
never  neglected  by  the  thoughtful  and  refined.” 

A gentleman  rises  when  ladies  with  whom  he  is 
talking,  rise  to  take  their  leave.  He  also  rises 
when  ladies  enter,  but,  unless  in  his  own  house,  he 
does  not  seat  them.  Some  ladies  accompany  lady 
visitors  to  the  drav/ing-room  door.  They  do  not 
accompany  gentlemen.  Where  the  servant  opens 
the  door,  the  hostess  should  ring  in  good  time,  so 
as  not  to  detain  the  departing  caller. 

A hostess  who  receives  her  visitors  cordially, 
gives  her  hand  to  gentlemen  as  well  as  ladies. 

A formal  call  or  visit  should  be  from  ten  to  twenty 
minutes  duration. 

Visitors  should  not  leave  when  the  hostess  is 
busy  with  fresh  arrivals,  but  wait  until  they  are 
seated,  then  take  leave  of  her,  bowing  to  those 
whom  they  know,  or  to  those  with  whom  they  have 
been  conversing,  one  bow  including  all. 

INTRODUCTIONS. 

As  has  been  explained  in  the  chapter  on  introduc- 
tions, residents  are  never  introduced  unless  both 
parties  desire  it,  or  unless  there  is  some  especial 
reason  for  it.  Strangers  in  the  city  are  introduced. 
All  persons  meeting  under  the  same  roof  may  con- 
verse without  an  introduction;  though  gentlemen 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


79 


frequently  ask  to  be  presented  to  ladies,  as  Ameri- 
cans feel  a litte  easier  when  formally  presented. 
When  introduced,  bow  slightly  and  enter  at  once 
into  conversation. 

NEITHER  CHILDREN  NOR  DOGS 

are  taken  out  when  making  formal  calls. 

CALLS  IN  THE  COUNTRY. 

may  be  less  formal  and  of  longer  duration  than 
those  made  in  the  city. 

CALLING  UPON  SONS  AND  DAUGHTERS. 

When  calling  upon  the  sons  and  daughters  of 
the  family,  visitors  should  leave  a card  for  the  father 
and  mother.  If  the  ladies  are  at  home,  cards 
should  be  left  for  the  gentlemen  of  the  family. 

Says  the  author  of  “Manners  and  Social 
Usages:”  “In  Europe  a young  man  is  not  allowed 
to  ask  for  the  young  ladies  of  the  house  in  formal 
parlance,  nor  is  he  allowed  to  leave  a card  on  them. 
He  calls  on  the  mother  or  chaperon;  the  young 
lady  may  be  sent  for,  but  he  must  not  inquire  for 
her  first.  Even  if  she  is  a young  lady  at  the  head 
of  a house,  he  is  not  allowed  to  call  upon  her  with- 
out some  preliminaries;  some  amiable  female  friend 
must  manage  to  bring  them  together. 

“ In  America  the  other  extreme  has  led  to  a very 
vicious  system  of  etiquette,  by  which  young  ladies 
are  recognized  as  altogether  leaders  of  society, 
receiving  the  guests  and  pushing  their  mothers 


8o 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


into  the  back-ground.  It  would  amaze  a large 
number  of  ambitious  young  ladies  to  be  told  that  it 
was  not  proper  that  young  men  should  call  on  them 
and  be  received  by  them  alone.  But  the  solution 
would  seem  to  be  that  the  mother  or  chaperon 
should  advance  to  her  proper  place  in  this  country, 
and  while  taking  care  of  her  daughter,  appearing 
with  her  in  public,  and  receiving  visits  with  her,  still 
permit  that  good-natured  and  well-intended  inter- 
course between  young  men  and  women  which  is  so 
seldom  abused,  and  which  has  led  to  so  many 
happy  marriages.” 

Did  mothers  more  generally  appreciate  their  duty 
in  this  regard,  it  would  save  their  daughters  many 
heart-aches  and  prevent  many  unhappy  marriages. 

CALLS  AND  CARDS  FOR  GENTLEMEN. 

“Bachelors  themselves  have  to  observe  and  fol- 
low the  rules  of  card-leaving;  it  is  an  irksome  duty 
to  many  and  is,  therefore,  very  often  neglected.  If 
a bachelor  has  a number  of  intimate  friends,  the 
consequences  of  his  neglect  of  this  social  observance 
trouble  him  but  little,  his  friends  probably  know 
where  to  find  him,  and  probably  cannot  get  on 
without  him;  therefore,  with  them,  he  does  not 
stand  on  ceremony.  But  if  a bachelor  has  his  way 
to  make  in  society,  and  if  he  wishes  to  keep  up  the 
acquaintances  he  has  already  made,  he  must  be 
punctilious  in  the  matter  of  card-leaving.  Bachel- 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


8l 


ors,  as  a rule,  are  expected  to  leave  cards  on  the 
gentleman  and  lady  of  a house  with  whom  they  are 
acquainted  as  soon  as  they  are  aware  that  the  family 
has  arrived  in  town;  or,  if  a bachelor  himself  has 
been  away,  he  should  leave  cards  on  his  acquaint- 
ances immediately  after  his  return.  Bachelors  are 
often  excused  for  their  disregard  of  this  social  cus- 
tom, but  it  is  considered  very  negligent  and  ill-bred.” 

“The  rules  of  etiquette,  though  stringent  as  re- 
gards acquaintances,  have  little  or  no  application 
as  regards  intimate  friends;  friendship  overrules 
etiquette,  and  in  a manner  usurps  its  place.  There 
is  very  little  ‘ceremonious’  card-leaving  observed 
between  gentlemen;  if  any  intimacy  exists  between 
them,  they  will  probably  meet  frequently  enough  in 
society  without  ceremoniously  calling  cn  each  other. 
If  a gentleman  should  not  find  his  friend  at  home 
when  calling  upon  him,  he  should  leave  his  card  as 
a proof  of  his  having  wanted  to  see  him.” 

HOURS  WHEN  GENTLEMEN  MAY  CALL. 

American  gentlemen  are  excused  from  making 
morning  calls  because  they  have  no  leisure  for  it, 
but  a gentleman  can  nearl}^  always  find  time  to 
leave  a card,  upon  the  occasions  which  demand  it, 
or  can  at  least  send  it  by  a lady  member  of  his 
family.  He  may  call  in  the  evening,  between  half 
past  eight  and  nine  o’clock,  and  etiquette  permits 
him  to  call  on  Sunday  after  church,  or  Sunday 
evening. 


82 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


HOW  MANY  CARDS  HE  SHOULD  LEAVE. 

When  a gentleman  is  not  admitted  the  first  time 
he  calls  (the  first  time  in  the  season — autumn)  he 
leaves  one  card  for  the  married  lady  of  the  house, 
one  for  the  husband,  both  turned  down,  and  one 
folded  across  the  middle  for  the  remaining  members 
of  the  family.  So  says  one  authority;  another 
says,  he  must  leave  a card  for  each  member  of  the 
family;  still  another  says  he  must  leave  only  t wo- 
lf there  were  eight  or  ten  members  of  the  family 
and  several  guests  besides,  the  lady  must  need  have 
a capacious  card  receiver  if  the  second  authority 
quoted  were  followed.  There  was  a time  when 
nothing  less  than  this  was  good  form.  After  the 
first  call,  he  leaves  but  one  card  until  the  year 
comes  around  again. 

After  an  invitation  to  any  entertainment  he 
should  call  in  person  and  leave  cards  on  the  host 
and  hostess. 

A gentleman,  when  calling,  observes  the  same 
rule  as  ladies  in  reference  to  ascertaining  if  the 
ladies  are  receiving — he  sends  in  but  one  card  no 
matter  how  many  members  of  the  family  he  wishes 
to  see.  If  he  wishes  to  see  a guest  stopping  at  the 
house,  the  one  card  answers.  If  the  lady  is  not  at 
home,  one  card  is  left  for  her  and  one  for  the  guest; 
and  if  it  is  the  first  call  of  the  season  a third  card 
folded  in  the  middle  is  left  for  the  other  members 
of  the  family.  Here  is  another  point  upon  which 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  83 

authorities  disagree,  the  folding  of  the  card  by  a 
gentleman,  some  asserting  that  the  only  case  in 
which  a card  may  be  turned  down,  is  when  a lady 
wishes  it  distinctly  understood  that  she  has  called 
in  person. 

Bachelors  leave  cards  upon  the  master  and  mis- 
tress of  the  house. 

NEW  ACQUAINTANCES— MARRIED  LADIES. 

A gentleman  never  makes  a first  call  upon  a lady 
without  an  invitation  from  the  lady  to  do  so,  or 
unless  he  is  taken  by  a lady  who  is  sufficiently  in- 
timate to  invite  him  to  call,  or  unless  he  brings  a 
letter  of  introduction.  In  asking  a gentleman  to 
call,  a lady  says:  “We  receive  on  Tuesdays,  Mr. 

Smith.”  A gentleman  should  call  within  a week 
after  an  invitation,  or,  at  least,  upon  her  next  re- 
ceiving day..  Not  to  do  so  is  considered  a rudeness. 

When  he  calls  upon  the  lady  he  will  also  leave  a 
card  for  her  husband,  whether  he  has  made  his  ac- 
quaintance or  not.  In  Washington  if  a gentleman 
desires  the  acquaintance  of  a married  lady,  to 
whom  he  has  been  presented,  he  may  leave  a card 
at  her  door  and  receive  recognition — the  lady  send- 
ing him  her  caj’d  with  her  reception  day  engraved 
upon  it — but  in  other  cities  he  cannot  do  this. 

NEW  ACQUAINTANCES— UNMARRIED  LADIES. 

If  the  lady  whose  acquaintance  he  seeks  is  un- 
married he  must  ask  permission  of  her  mother  or 


84 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


chaperon  to  call.  At  first  he  may  call  only  on 
formal  reception  days.  If  the  mother  finds  him  to 
be  a desirable  acquaintance,  she  invites  him  to 
dinner.  After  that  he  may  express  his  appreciation 
of  courtesies  extended  him  in  such  delicate  manner 
as  inviting  the  ladies  to  a concert  or  the  theatre  or 
by  sending  a bouquet. 

If  he  is  introduced  by  letter,  the  letter  is  ad- 
dressed to  the  mother  or  chaperon.  He  presents 
the  note  in  person  and  it  is  optional  with  the 
mother,  whether  she  will  introduce  him  to  the 
young  lady,  although  for  the  sake  of  the  introducer 
she  must  make  him  welcome. 

If  the  lady  is  not  at  home  when  he  calls  with 
his  note  of  introduction,  he  does  not  leave  it,  but 
calls  again. 

LADIES  SPEAK  FIRST. 

When  a gentleman  asks  for  an  introduction  to  a 
married  lady,  he  must  not  upon  a subsequent  meet- 
ing speak  to  her,  until  she  has  signified  her  desire 
to  continue  the  acquaintance  by  a bow  of  recogni- 
tion. As  has  been  stated,  she  may  invite  him  to 
call  upon  her  regular  reception  day,  but  an  un- 
married lady  can  not  do  this. 

MISCELLANEOUS  RULES. 

A gentleman  of  leisure  will  call  at  the  con- 
ventional time  for  making  morning  calls,  between 
two  and  five,  but  a business  man  will  call  between 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  85 

half  past  eight  and  nine  o’  clock  in  the  evening  and 
never  prolong  his  call  beyond  ten  o’clock. 

A gentleman  should  always  promptly  accept  or 
decline  an  invitation  to  anything.  All  invitations 
except  an  ordinary  afternoon  “at  home”  or  kaffee 
klatch,  must  be  acknowledged.  If  it  is  a first^in- 
vitation,  he  must  send  an  immediate  answer,  leave 
his  card  the  next  day  and  then  call  after  the 
entertainment. 

A gentleman  should  not  call  on  a young  lady 
without  asking  for  her  mother,  nor  should  he  leave 
cards  for  her  alone,  but  always  leave  one  for  the 
mother. 

“A  gentleman  calling  upon  ladies,  if  he  is  well 
acquainted  with  them  does  not  send  up  his  card ; 
the  servant  announces  his  name.  If  he  is  little 
acquainted  with  them  he  does  send  up  his  card.” 

“If  he  wishes  particularly  to  call  on  one  mem- 
ber, he  says  so  to  the  servant,  as,  ‘Take  my  card 
up  to  Miss  Jones,’  and  he  adds,  ‘I  should  like  to 
see  all  the  ladies  if  they  are  at  home.’  ” 

“When  a young  lady  has  been  in  society  several 
years  and  is  still  unmarried,  she  may  receive  gentle- 
man visitors  alone,  and  it  is  neither  an  informality 
nor  an  indelicacy.  ’ ’ 

Gentlemen  should  take  time  to  call  on  those  who 
entertain  them,  showing  by  a little  personal  atten- 
tion, their  appreciation  of  the  courtesies  shown 
them. 


86 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


“ Members  of  societies  or  clubs,  who  meet  weekly 
at  each  others’  houses  for  social  purposes,  do 
not  leave  cards  after  these  entertainments.  Those 
friends  or  acquaintances  who  are  not  members,  but 
are  invited  by  the  gentlemen  entertaining,  hand  in 
or  send  their  cards  afterwards,  in  acknowledgment 
of  the  courtesy  extended  to  them.” 

A note  introducing  one  gentleman  to  another  is 
always  accompanied  by  the  card  of  the  introducing 
gentleman.  Between  gentlemen  etiquette  permits 
the  note  to  be  sent  by  post.  The  formality  of  an 
introduction  by  letter  is  given  in  the  chapter  on 
“Introductions.” 

A gentlemen  leaves  a card  of  condolence  for  a 
bereaved  friend. 

When  making  a formal  call,  a gentleman  asks  to 
see  all  the  ladies  of  the  family.  If  he  is  calling 
upon  a young  lady  guest,  he  must  ask  to  see  her 
hostess,  even  if  he  does  not  know  her,  and  must 
also  send  her  his  card. 

A lady  never  leaves  cards  upon  a gentleman,  and 
never  calls  upon  a gentleman,  except  officially  or 
professionally. 

‘ ‘ Gentlemen  should  not  expect  to  receive  invita- 
tions from  ladies  with  whom  they  are  only  on  terms 
of  formal  visiting,  until  the  yearly  or  autumnal  call 
has  been  made,  or  at  least  their  cards  have  been 
sent.” 

A general  invitation  from  a lady  means  nothing. 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


87 


Gentlemen  leave  their  overcoats,  overshoes  and 
umbrellas  in  the  hall,  but  take  their  hats  and  canes 
into  the  parlor;  provided,  however,  a gentleman  is 
a frequent  visitor  at  a house,  he  may  leave  his  hat 
and  cane  in  the  haJL  The  hat  and  cane  should  be 
kept  in  the  hand,  unless  it  becomes  necessary  from 
any  cause  to  set  them  down,  in  which  case  put 
them  on  the  floor  beside  you. 

In  calling,  gentlemen  wear  their  usual  morning 
dress,  a black  frock  coat,  dark  trousers,  silk  neck- 
tie and  a neutral  shade  of  gloves.  However,  in 
warm  weather,  light  colored  trousers  and  white 
vest  are  often  worn. 

A gentleman  on  receiving  a friend  meets  him  at 
the  door  and  places  a chair  for  him.  On  receiving 
a lady  he  shows  the  same  courtesies  to  her,  and 
when  she  departs  he  accompanies  her  to  the  door 
of  her  carriage. 

A gentleman  must  never  look  at  his  watch  unless 
he  has  an  engagement  and  asks  to  be  excused.  He 
should  rise  upon  the  entrance  of  ladies,  but  he  need 
not  offer  seats  to  them  unless  in  his  own  house,  or 
unless  the  hostess  request  him  to  do  so;  he  does  not 
offer  his  own  chair  unless  there  are  no  others. 

A gentleman  rises  when  the  ladies  with  whom  he 
is  talking  rise  to  take  their  leave.  He  also  rises 
when  ladies  enter  the  room. 

Gentlemen  make  formal  calls  twice  a year,  but 


88 


VISITINCx  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


only  once  is  absolutely  necessary  when  no  invita- 
tions have  been  received  that  require  a return. 

After  a private  wedding,  a gentleman  sometimes 
sends  his  bachelor  cards  by  post,  to  those  whose 
acquaintance  he  wishes  to  retain.  The  recipients 
of  these  cards  should  call  upon  the  bride  within 
ten  days  after  she  has  entered  her  new  home. 

R.  S.  V.  P.  (repondez,  s'il  votes  plait — answer 
if  you  please)  is  sometimes  engraved  on  the  lower 
right  hand  of  cards  requiring  immediate  acknowl- 
edgment, although  where  the  etiquette  of  cards  is 
well  understood,  this  is  not  necessary,  as  the  courte- 
ous man  or  woman  will  acknowledge  an  invitation 
without  a reminder. 

CALLING  ON  STRANGERS. 

In  most  countries,  as  has  elsewhere  been  stated, 
the  stranger  makes  the  first  call.  Here,  it  is  the 
rule  among  the  best  people  everywhere  to  call  upon 
the  stranger.  After  new-comers  are  “ settled 
among  us,  residents  call  upon  them;  send  in  their 
own  with  their  husbands’  or  their  fathers’  or 
brothers’  cards,  and  if  they  find  the  stranger  at 
home,  a brief  but  cordial  visit  is  made.  This  is 
returned  within  a week,  or  a note  of  apology  sent 
to  explain  the  omission  and  the  return  call  is  made 
later  on.  If  a card  is  sent  in  return  for  a first  visit, 
or  is  left  in  person  without  an  effort  being  made  to 
see  the  persons  who  have  made  the  first  visit,  it  is 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS.  89 

understood  that  the  strangers  cannot  or  do  not  wish 
to  receive  visitors. 

“A  gentleman  cannot  make  a first  call  upon  the 
ladies  of  the  family  of  a new-comer,  without  an 
introduction  or  an  invitation,  even  though  he  be  a 
married  neighbor.  His  lady  friend,  or  his  kins- 
woman, may  leave  his  card,  and  afterward  he  may 
receive  an  invitation,  verbal  or  written,  to  make  the 
new  acquaintance.  Under  such  circumstances  the 
usual  formality  of  introduction  may  be  made  by  his 
second  visiting-card,  which  he  will  send  in  to 
announce  himself  at  the  time  of  his  visit,  provided 
he  pays  his  respects  to  the  new  household  unaccom- 
panied by  a common  friend. 

The  sending  of  his  card  to  the  strangers  was  an 
unmistakable  request  to  make  their  acquaintance. 
If  his  visits  be  undesirable,  the  way  is  opened  for  an 
easy  method  of  declining  them.  His  card  need 
not  be  noticed.  This  refusal  of  friendliness  is  far 
less  awkward  and  unpleasant  for  both  parties  than 
to  ask  permission  verbally  to  become  a visitor  and 
be  verbally  rejected.  Sometimes  there  are  unfortu- 
nate family  complications  or  conditions  which  com- 
pel a refusal  of  gentlemen’s  society,  but  which  are 
unexplainable.  Painful  necessities  are  oftenest  the 
very  ones  least  easy  of  explanation.  No  gentleman 
possesses  a reasonable  ground  for  offense,  or  for 
feeling  hurt,  if  he  be  not  admitted  as  a visitor  to 
a family  whose  circumstances  and  conditions  are 


90 


VISITING  AND  VISITING-CARDS. 


unfamiliar  to  him.  It  is  not  difficult  to  imagine  that 
the  stranger  who  refuses  to  accept  a new  friend  is 
likely  to  suffer  more  than  the  rejected  person.” 

= — From  New  York  Social  Etiquette. 

A stranger  makes  no  overtures  for  acquaintance 
to  older  residents.  But  two  men  or  two  women 
may  desire  to  know  each  other — they  may  have 
met  at  the  house  of  a common  friend  or  have  heard 
of  each  other — and  they  may  arrange  to  exchange 
calls,  the  younger,  if  much  younger,  making  the  first 
call.  If  their  “at  home”  days  are  the  same,  they 
will  settle  upon  some  other  time. 

“Aged  gentlemen  or  ladies,  eminent  persons,  and 
clergymen,  always  receive  the  first . call.  It  is 
proper  to  leave  a card  for  them,  even  when  they  are 
known  to  be  too  much  engaged  either  to  receive  in 
person  or  to  return  calls  of  ceremony.  The  card 
signifies  respectful  and  appreciative  remembrance. 

No  custom  is  more  significant  of  the  highest  and 
noblest  breeding  and  the  gentlest  culture,  than  that 
of  remembering  the  aged  by  all  pleasant  formalities. 
Our  citizens  are  accused  by  other  nations  of  indif- 
ference to  those  who  are  advanced  in  years.  This 
may  be  true  of  selfish  people  and  of  plebians,  but 
it  is  not  true  of  our  refined  and  high-toned  members 
of  society.  A thoughtful  courtesy  and  a tender  con- 
sideration make  the  late  afternoon  of  life  beautiful 
with  respectful  regard,  even  when  a lack  of  familiar 
acquaintance  has  withheld  affectionate  devotion.” 


CHAPTER  VI. 


NEW  YEAR’S  CALLS. 


1 


HE  first  day  of  the  year,  when  everybody  “ re- 
solves” to  bury  the  past,  animosities  and  bad 
habits  especially,  and  begin  a new  life,  is  more 
or  less  celebrated  by  a “ universal  hospitality,”  al- 
though in  the  larger  cities,  owing  to  the  increasing 
size  and  population,  New  Year’s  calling  is  not  so 
much  indulged  in  as  formerly.  Many  families  in 
smaller  cities  and  towns,  for  various  reasons,  also 
close  their  doors  on  this  day. 

When  it  was  the  almost  universal  custom  for 
many,  or  several  ladies  to  receive  at  the  same 
house,  lists  of  those  receiving  were  published  in  the 
newspapers  a day  or  two  before  the  great  day.  Un- 
der cover  of  the  general  good  will  and  hospitality, 
bores  will  intrude  themselves,  and  sometimes  men 
will  call  who,  upon  any  other  day  or  under  any  other 
circumstances,  would  not  dare  do  so.  This  is  one 
of  the  reasons  why  some  ladies  are  not  “at  home” 
on  the  first  day  of  the  year.  The  fact  that  a lady 
receives  alone  is  not  always  a bar  to  rudeness. 

A married  lady  may,  under  certain  circumstances, 
after  a return  home  from  a long  absence,  if  she  has 
changed  her  residence,  or  if  she  is  living  at  a hotel 

(91) 


92 


NEW  year’s  calls. 


or  boarding-house,  or  is  visiting  friends  —send  her 
cards  to  gentlemen  whom  she  wishes  to  receive, 
stating  that  she  will  be  at  home  on  New  Year’s  day. 

It  is  now  more  popular  for  each  lady,  assisted  by 
her  daughter,  if  she  have  any,  to  receive  at  her  home, 
although  the  custom  of  several  ladies  receiving  to- 
gether is  not  obsolete  by  any  means. 

NOT  AT  HOME. 

In  large  cities,  if  a lady  does  not  receive,  she  ties 
a basket  to  the  door-knob  to  receive  the  cards  of 
gentlemen  callers.  As  a rule  this  is  not  as  satisfac- 
tory as  a friendly  reception  inside  the  home,  especi- 
ally to  real  friends  to  whom  perhaps  this  one  day 
of  the  year  affords  their  ohly  opportunity  of  ex- 
pressing kindly  regards  for  the  family. 

New  Year’s  calling  is  a beautiful  custom,  and 
while  hearts  are  warm  and  friends  are  true,  will 
never  wholly  disappear. 

A lady  who  is  at  home  on  this  day  will,  of  course 
have  all  her  arrangements  completed  the  day  be- 
fore, that  she  may  be  ready  to  receive  the  first 
caller. 

HOURS  FOR  CALLING. 

The  hours  for  calling  are  between  eleven  o’clock 
in  the  morning  and  nine  in  the  evening. 


NEW  year’s  calls. 


93 


COSTUMES. 

Ladies  are  allowed  to  exercise  their  individual 
tastes  in  the  matter  of  dress,  but  for  elderly  ladies 
a plain  black  dress  with  soft,  rich  lace  at  throat  and 
wrists  is  considered  in  the  best  taste.  Young  ladies 
should  be  prettily  but  simply  attired.  Young  mar- 
ried ladies  may  wear  their  best  ” if  they  cover  neck 
and  arms  in  the  day  time. 

But  whatever  costume  a lady  assumes  she  must 
wear  gloves.  This  rule  is  absolute. 

REFRESHMENTS. 

A lady  may  offer  refreshments  or  not,  as  she  likes, 
and  they  may  be  simple  or  grand,  but  she  should 
have  hot  tea  and  coffee  in  either  case.  Some  ladies 
“keep  a silver  kettle  of  bouillon  standing  in  the 
hall,  so  that  gentlemen  coming  in  or  going  out  can 
take  a cup  of  it  unsolicited.”  Sandwiches,  boned 
turkey,  fruit  and  cake,  make  a simple  and  enjoy- 
able luncheon;  but  ladies  may  use  their  own  taste 
or  convenience  in  spreading  a more  elaborate  feast. 

CARDS. 

Gentlemen  should  hand  their  cards  to  the  ser- 
vant who  opens  the  door,  he  being  provided  with  a 
tray  or  card  basket  in  which  to  receive  them. 

If  a gentlemen  calling  upon  any  lady  of  the 
group,  who  are  receiving  together,  is  not  known  to 
the  hostess,  he  sends  his  card  to  the  one  upon 


94 


NEW  year’s  calls.  - 


whom  he  wishes  to  call,  and  she  presents  him  to 
the  hostess;  and  if  there  are  few  or  no  other  callers 
present  at  the  time,  to  the  other  ladies. 

A gentleman  is  invited  but  not  urged  to  take  re- 
freshment as  he  is  about  to  take  his  leave. 

He  must  wear  his  gloves,  and  he  may  wear  his 
overcoat  and  carry  his  hat;  but  there  is  no  law 
against  his  leaving  the  overcoat  and  hat  in  the  hall. 
If  he  does  not  leave  them,  he  should  not  be  asked  to 
remove  his  overcoat  nor  to  be  relieved  of  his  hat. 

DURATION  OF  A CALL. 

Calls  may  be  from  five  to  fifteen  minutes  in 
duration,  and  a gentleman  should  never  be  urged 
to  prolong  his  stay  when  he  is  ready  to  depart,  as 
he  probably  wants  to  make  the  most  of  the  day. 

THE  PRESIDENT 

Is  “at  home”  at  mid-day  on  New  Year’s  day,  and 
at  that  hour  receives  the  diplomats  in  full  dress^ 
army  and  navy  officers  in  full  uniform,  and  others 
who  desire  to  pay  their  respects  in  fine  “ visiting 
costumes.” 

The  cabinet  ministers,  heads  of  departments, 
judges  and  other  officers,  receive  those  below  them 
in  rank. 

In  New  York  and  some  other  cities  the  clergy- 
men and  highest  officials  hold  receptions  from 


95 


NEW  year’s  calls. 

eleven  till  three  o’clock,  in  order  that  their  male 
friends  may  pay  their  respects  to  them. 

The  etiquette  of  New  Year’s  calling  differs  little 
in  the  different  places.  It  is  with  this  as  with  every 
other  custom.  General  rules  are  laid  down,  but  it 
must  always  be  borne  in  mind  that  there  are  excep- 
tions to  all  rules. 

A married  lady  may  receive  her  gentlemen  friends 
with  the  assistance  of  other  ladies  or  the  help  of 
servants.  She  may  even  open  the  door  herself  to 
callers,  and  be  as  self-respecting  as  if  she  were  sur- 
rounded by  all  the  gorgeousness  possible  in  families 
of  wealth.  She  knows  that  the  friends  who  call  are 
sincere  in  their  expressions  of  good  will,  and  that 
their  visits  are  prompted  by  respect  for  herself. 

Though  hospitality  is  sometimes  abused  on  the 
First  day  of  the  year,  let  us  not  abandon  the  beau- 
tiful custom  of  calling  and  receiving  on  New  Year’s 
day. 

CHRISTMAS. 

Christmas,  too,  the  forerunner  of  the  happy  New 
Year,  is  marked  by  general  good  feeling,  expressed 
by  simple  gifts  between  friends  and  an  exchange  of 
cards  between  acquaintances.  The  cards  should  be 
plain  visiting  cards,  with  perhaps  a short  sentiment 
or  motto  printed  across  the  top  in  gold  or  silver. 
Little  books  in  parchment,  or  vellum,  have  taken 


96 


NEW  year’s  calls. 


the  place  of  the  Christmas  cards  so  fashionable  a 
few  years  ago. 

Happy  the  man  who  from  out  his  own  abundance 
can  and  does  remember  the  poor.  The  poor  are 
not  alone  those  who  lack  material  comforts,  but 
every  man  and  every  woman  of  a sympathetic  na- 
ture knows  where  to  find  those  afflicted  with  the 
poverty  of  friends  and  happiness. 


CHAPTER  VII. 


INVITATIONS,  ACCEPTANCES  AND 
REGRETS. 


|N  noway  is  one’s  culture  sooner  made 
known  than  by  his  manner  of  writing  a 
note  or  a letter.’  ’ 

Formal  notes  of  invitation  are  written  or  en- 
graved in  the  third  person.  So  also  are  accept- 
ances and  regrets.  It  seems  unnecessary  to  say 
that  the  name  should  never  be  signed  to  a note 
written  in  the  third  person,  yet  we  are  told  that 
where  the  usages  of  good  society  are  not  under- 
stood, this  has  been  done. 


SOLECISMS  AND  BARBARISMS. 

Among  the  curiosities  in  acceptances  and  regrets 
which  have  been  received  by  kind  hostesses,  we 
give  the  following  examples : 

“Mr.  Jones  accepts  with  pleasure  your  polite 
invitation,  etc.” 

“Dear  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Craig: 

Your  inv|||Ltion  at  hand.  Thanks.  Will  come 
if  I can.  G.  B.  Crowley.” 


(97) 


98 


INVITATIONS,  ETC. 


“Miss  James  regrets  very  much  her  inability  to 
accept  Mr.  Palmer’ s polite  invitation  for  Thursday, 
June  1 8.  A previous  engagement  detains  me.” 

In  writing  an  acceptance,  never  say,  “I  will 
avail  myself  of  the  pleasure,”  or  “I  will  accept,” 
or  “I  will  have  the  pleasure  of  accepting,”  but 
“Mr.  Jones  accepts,  etc.”  If  accepting  a dinner 
invitation,  say  “for  dinner,”  not  “to  dinner,”  or 
if  the  note  is  informal  and  written  in  the  first  per- 
son, asking  you  “to  dine,”  you  can  say  “to  dine” 
in  your  answer. 

It  is  a good  rule  to  answer  an  invitation  in  the 
precise  formula  observed  bysthe  writer.  If  the  in- 
vitation is  to  dinner,  care  should  be  taken  to  repeat 
the  hour,  in  order  that  if  a mistake  has  been  made, 
it  can  be  corrected. 

OBSOLETE  WORDS. 

A few  years  ago  it  was  correct  to  say  “your 
polite  invitation.”  “Polite”  has  been  dropped 
and  “kind”  is  now  the  word  instead.  “Presents 
compliments”  is  also  obsolete. 

FIRST  INVITATIONS. 

Always  accept  a first  invitation,  if  at  all  possible. 
You  thus  show  your  appreciation  of  the  hospitality 
extended  to  you.  Write  your  acceptance  immedi- 
ately upon  receiving  the  invitation,  or  if  impossible 
to  accept,  send  regrets  explaining  why  you  cannot 
do  so. 


INVITATIONS,  ETC. 


99 


A first  invitation  which  has  not  been  accepted, 
should  not,  as  a rule,  be  repeated  until  a courtesy 
of  some  kind  has  been  shown  in  return.  If  no  call 
is  made  after  a declination  of  a first  invitation,  it 
is  understood  that  the  acquaintance  is  not  desired. 

SHOULD  INVITATIONS  BE  ANSWERED.^ 

All  invitations  to  dinner,  to  an  opera  or  theatre 
party,  to  a wedding  breakfast,  to  luncheon  or  to  a 
ball,  should  be  answered  at  once,  accepting  or 
declining,  in  order  that  the  hostess  may  make  her 
arrangements  accordingly.  If  you  accept  and  any 
after  occurrence  prevents  your  going,  write  an  ex- 
planatory note  of  regret  to  the  hostess  at  the 
earliest  possible  moment,  especially  if  the  invita- 
tion be  to  a dinner  party.  Don’t  think  that  you 
are  of  so  little  importance  that  your  absence  will 
make  no  difference  to  any  one.  Humility  is  an. 
admirable  quality,  but  it  should  go  hand  in  hand 
with  courtesy. 

When  a lady  writes  an  invitation  upon  a visit- 
ing card  it  is  not  to  be  answered  unless  she  adds 
R.  s.  V.  p.  ( Repondez  si' I votes  plait : answer  if 
you  please),  in  the  lower  right  corner.  (The 
English  are  discarding  or  have  discarded  the  R.  s. 
V.  p.  and  have  substituted  for  it,  “ The  favor  of  an 
anszver  is  requested." 

Some  authorities,  especially  the  French,  say 
every  invitation  should  be  acknowledged,  as  they 


lOO 


INVITATIONS,  ETC. 


claim  that  it  is  as  impolite  not  to  reply  promptly  to 
a note,  as  it  is  not  to  answer  to  a question  asked 
in  speaking.  Others  except  such  invitations  as  are 
written  upon  a lady’s  visiting  card. 

It  would  simplify  matters  for  those  unaccustomed 
to  the  formalities  of  social  affairs,  if  a rule  were 
adopted  and  everywhere  enforced,  to  reply  promptly 
to  every  invitation,  unless  we  except  large  recep- 
tions. This  would  do  away  entirely  with  the 
declining  R.  s.  v.  p.  Those  who  understand  the 
usages  of  good  society,  sometimes  wince  at  being 
reminded  that  they  must  reply.  On  the  other  hand 
there  are  those  who  never  answer  unless  the  card 
contains  the  request  to  do  so,  the  R.  s.  v.  p. 

REGRETS. 

In  writing  a regret  it  is  well  to  state  the  cause  of 
your  inability  to  accept,  or  at  least  to  manifest 
enough  interest  in  the  attention  shown  you,  to 
make  your  note  courteously  kind. 

SONS  AND  DAUGHTERS  SHOULD  HAVE  SEPARATE 
CARDS. 

One  card  or  note  of  invitation  is  sent  to  a hus- 
band an(i  wife,  but  other  members  of  the  family  if 
invited  should  have  separate  cards.  Instead  of  ad- 
dressing a note  to  “Mrs.  Potter  and  family,”  the 
individuality  of  the  son  or  daughter  invited  should 
be  respected.  However,  there  are  sometimes  good 
reasons  for  sending  but  one  card  to  a family,  such 


INVITATIONS,  ETC.  lOI 

as  a scarcity  of  cards  or  lack  of  time.  A hostess 
should  provide  against  either  contingency. 

TO  WHOM  SHALL  THE  ANSWER  BE  ADDRESSED.^ 

The  answer  to  an  invitation  should  be  addressed 
to  the  lady  or  other  person  or  persons  who  issue 
the  invitation.  If  issued  in  the  name  of  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Smith,  the  answer  goes  to  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Smith.  If  Mrs.  Smith  alone  invites  you,  reply  to 
her. 

WHO  SEND  INVITATIONS.^ 

Invitations  to  a wedding,  a dinner  or  a party  are 
sent  out  in  the  name  of  both  host  and  hostess. 
Those  to  “At  Home”  matinees,  balls,  Germans, 
breakfasts,  luncheons,  etc. , are  in  the  name  of  the 
hostess  only. 

If  a gentleman  is  a widower,  he  sometimes  sends 
out  invitations  in  his  own  name,  but  more  fre- 
quently the  name  of  his  eldest  daughter — who  pre- 
sides over  his  household — appears  on  the  card  with 
his  own.  If  she  is  to  be  married,  he  invites  to  her 
wedding. 

An  unmarried,  “elderly  young  lady”  may  issue 
cards  to  a tea  in  her  own  name. 

FORMAL  INVITATIONS, 

should  be  sent  out  from  ten  to  twenty  days  be- 
fore the  entertainment  is  to  be  given,  according  to 
the  formality  and  importance  of  the  occasion.  In- 


102 


INVITATIONS,  ETC. 


formal  invitations  are  sometimes  sent  only  two  or 
three  days  before.  They  may  be  written  upon  a 
lady’s  visiting  cards. 

Gentlemen  should  not  be  invited  without  their 
wives,  where  ladies  are  invited;  nor  should  ladies 
be  invited  without  their  husbands  where  gentlemen 
are  expected. 

INVITATION  TO  FRIENDS  IN  MOURNING. 

Invitations  to  weddings  and  receptions  are  sent 
to  friends  in  mourning — after  the  first  month — but 
are  of  course  declined  except  only  to  witness  the 
marriage  ceremony  at  the  church,  of  near  and  dear 
friends.  All  of  these  cards  or  notes  are  preserved 
until  such  time  as  the  family  desire  to  re-enter  so- 
ciety, when  they  serve  as  a guide  in  making  a list 
of  those  to  whom  cards  must  be  sent.  Usually  at 
the  end  of  a year,  the  family  send  out  cards  bor- 
dered with  black,  to  all  who  have  remembered  them. 

BEFORE  ISSUING  INVITATION 

cards  to  a dinner,  an  elaborate  reception,  a ball  or 
a party — before  any  very  formal  entertainment — a 
lady  pays  a visit,  or  a call  by  card,  to  all  acquaint- 
ances to  whom  she  is  indebted  for  social  civilities. 
In  some  places  the  visiting  card  is  enclosed  with 
the  note  of  invitation,  instead  of  being  left  in 
person. 


INVITATIONS,  ETC.  IO3 

AFTER  CALLS. 

Next  in  importance  to  promptness  in  answering 
an  invitation,  is  punctuality  in  making  the  after  call. 
A personal  visit  must  be  made  after  an  invitation 
to  dinner,  whether  the  invitation  be  accepted  or 
not.  One  should  ask  if  the  lady  is  at  home;  if  she 
is  not  at  home,  cards  must  be  left.  To  be  invited  to 
dinner  is  considered  the  greatest  possible  social 
compliment. 

After  other  entertainments  cards  are  left  or  sent 
by  those  who  have  been  invited. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  make  an  after-call,  after 
having  accepted  an  invitation  to  a lady’s  opera  box, 
or  to  a theatre  party  where  there  has  been  no  en- 
tertainment preceding  or  after  it,  unless  it  is  a first 
invitation.  You  can  thank  the  lady  for  the  atten- 
tion shown  you,  when  taking  leave  of  her  in  her 
box,  or  when  escorting  her  to  her  carriage. 

A CARD  EQUIVALENT  TO  A VISIT. 

Everywhere,  a card  sent  by  a private  hand  in  an 
envelope,  is  equivalent  to  a visit.  In  England  one 
sent  by  post  is  equivalent  to  a visit,  except  after  a 
dinner. 

INVITATIONS  MAV  BE  WRITTEN  OR  ENGRAVED. 

If  an  invitation  is  written  it  should  be  neatly 
done.  No  abbreviations  of  names  should  be  made, 


104 


INVITATIONS,  ETC. 


but  the  full  name  should  be  written  upon  one  line 
and  the  title  never  separated  from  the  name,  as 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  E.  H.  Corning 
request  the  pleasure  of 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Drake's  company  at  dinner, 
December  fo7irtee7ith,  at  seven  o'clock. 

1 56  Clifton  Heights. 

Many  persons  who  entertain  much  keep  on  hand 
engraved  invitations  with  blank  spaces  for  the 
names  of  guests  and  dates,  which  are  easily  filled 
and  save  time  and  labor. 

Many  sensible  people  advocate  the  sending  of  all 
invitations  by  mail.  This  mode  ought  to  be 
adopted. 

In  cities  and  large  towns,  stationers  or  engravers 
can  advise  one  in  the  matter  of  cards  and  notes, 
but  for  the  instruction  of  those  remote  from  these 
centers,  we  give  a few  examples;  others  will  be 
found  in  their  appropriate  places. 

The  usual  form  of  an  invitation  to  a dinner  party 
is  as  follows: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  George  Harrison 
request  the  honor 

of  Mr.  a7td  Mrs.  Arthur's  co?npany 
at  dinner 

on  Mofiday  evening,  November  tenth,  at  eight  o'  clock. 

46  High  Street. 


INVITATIONS,  ETC, 


105 


A proper  form  of  acceptance  will  be  as  follows; 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  David  Arthur 
accept  with  pleasure 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  George  Harrison' s 
ki?id invitatio7i  to  dine  ivith  them  07t  Monday  evenings 
November  tenth,  at  eight  o'clock. 

29  Sixth  Avenue. 

The  following  is  the  usual  style  of  declination: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  David  Arthur 
regret  most  sincerely  that  serious  illness 
in  the  family 

[or  a previous  engagement,  or  other  cause] 
makes  it  quite  impossible  for  them  to  accept 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  George  Harrison' s 
kind  invitation  for  Mo7iday  evening, 
November  tenth. 

29  Sixth  Avenue. 

WEDDING  invitation. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Devere  Thompson 
request  your  presence 
at  the  marriage  of  their  daitghter, 
Blanche, 

TO 

Mr.  Joseph  Howard, 

on  Wednesday  morning,  October  fourth,  /<?p2, 
at  eleven  o'q^lock. 

. Plymouth  Church, 

Chicago. 


8 


I06  INVITATIONS,  ETC. 

SILVER  WEDDING. 

Twenty-fifth  A nniversary. 

Mr.  AND  Mrs.  James  B.  Blanchard, 
At  Home 

Monday  evening,  November  tzvcnty- fourth, 
i8go, 

Erom  eight  to  eleven  d clock. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 


/ 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


'T  is  the  highest  social  compliment  to  be  invited 
to  dinner.  To  be  asked  to  break  bread  with 
one  at  his  own  table  is  an  expression  of  good 
will,  and  no  truly  well-bred  person  will  accept  this 
hospitality  unless  he  fully  reciprocates  the  feeling. 


WHOM  TO  INVITE. 

When  a lady  decides  upon  giving  a dinner  party 
or  a series  of  parties,  the  first  consideration  is  the 
proper  classification,  so  to  speak,  of  her  guests. 
She  selects  for  each  party  those  who  she  has  reason 
to  believe  will  be  agreeable  to  each  other.  Says 
that  most  excellent  guide,  “Social  Etiquette  of 
New  York:”  “The  differences  in  social  conditions 
often  go  far  toward  deciding  upon  the  groups,  but 
latterly  intellectual  attainments  have  established 
a higher  grade  of  position,  and  the  combinations  of 
guests  are  based  upon  mental  accomplishments, 
instead  of  family  connection.  In  either  case  the 
etiquette  is  the  same.  As  we  have  no  real  distinc- 
tions of  birth,  and  find  ourselves  affected  by  the 
traditional  customs  of  our  ancestry,  we  too  often  hunt 
after  a lion  or  a lioness  as  a motive  for  a feast, 

(107) 


Io8  DINNERS  AND  DIiIeRS-OUT. 

» 

because  this  person  or  personage  will  make  the  for- 
malities of  the  occasion  less  difficult  of  settlement. 
The  hero  may  not  be  eminent  to  a startling  degree, 
but  all  the  same  his  presence  settles  beyond  question 
who  is  to  go  into  dinner  with  the  host  or  hostess, 
and  this  decision  assists  the  timid  entertainer  amaz- 
ingly. Sometimes  it  is  the  birthday  of  the  honored 
guest,  the  return  of  a bridal  party,  a re-entrance 
into  society  after  an  illness,  or  following  a sorrowful 
retirement  from  gayety;  or  it  may  be  the  celebration 
of  an  achievement,  literary,  artistic,  political  or 
financial;  but  being  a decided  something  by  which 
to  distinguish  a single  individual,  and  to  hang  upon 
him  or  her  a reason  for  receiving  precedence  over 
all  others  on  this  occasion  of  feasting,  the  lady  is 
escorted  by  the  host  to  the  table  and  placed  at  his 
right  hand;  but  if  the  honored  guest  be  a gentleman 
or  the  husband  of  the  honored  lady  guest,  he  goes 
into  dinner  with  the  hostess  and  sits  upon  her  right 
hand.” 

NUMBER  OF  GUESTS. 

There  are  formal  dinners  and  there  are  informal 
dinners;  simple  dinners  and  grand  dinners;  but 
whatever  the  style,  there  are  some  rules  of  etiquette 
applicable  to  all  of  them.  One  of  these  rules  is^ 
never  invite  more  guests  than  you  can  entertain  and 
seat  comfortably.  Dinner-givers  and  diners-out 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT.  I Op 

differ  as  to  the  number  which  makes  the  most  enjoy- 
able dinner-party. 

There  is  an  old  saying  that  there  should  not  be 
more  than  the  Muses  (nine),  nor  less  than  the  Graces 
(three). 

Brillat-Savarin,  in  his  “Physiology  of  Taste,'’ 
says:  “Let  not  the  number  exceed  twelve.”  He,  like 
most  of  his  countrymen  and  many  Americans,  had  a 
superstitious  belief  that  if  thirteen  sat  down  to  dinner 
together,  it  would  be  fatal  within  the  year  to  one  of 
the  company.  So  prevalent  was  this  belief  in  some 
circles  in  our  own  country  a few  years  ago,  that 
“Thirteen  Clubs  ” were  formed  to  defy  the  thirteen 
rule,  and  probably  to  counteract  the  superstitious 
tendency  of  some  diners. 

It  seems  that  the  same  superstition  prevails  in 
England.  There  is  at  least  one  instance  on  record 
of  a professional  fourteenth  man  at  table,  one 
hired  to  break  the  fatal  number,  who  at  the  age  of 
fifty-four  (at  which  age  he  died)  had  accumulated  a 
fortune  of  one  hundred  thousand  dollars  by  eating. 
He  was  often  employed  to  dine  three  or  four  times 
on  the  same  day. 

From  four  to  ten  is  a good  number,  as  two 
properly  trained  serv!ints  can  wait  upon  them. 
More  than  ten  would  require  additional  help.  A 
butler  and  two  men  often  serve  twenty-four  people 
although  one  servant  to  three  people  is  the  rule. 


I lO 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


INVITATIONS  FOR  A FORMAL  DINNER. 

Having  decided  how  many  and  whom  to  invite, 
the  lady  issues  her  invitations  from  five  to  twenty 
days  in  advance  of  the  dinner,  the  time  depending 
upon  the  formality  of  the  occasion,  and  somewhat 
upon  the  locality  where  the  dinner  is  given.  In 
villages  or  country  places  where  entertainments  are 
few,  a week  will  be  ample  time  for  even  a formal 
dinner-party. 

If  the  entertainment  is  given  in  honor  of  a well- 
known  person  and  there  is  time  for  it,  the  name  of 
the  honored  guest  should  be  engraved  upon  the  card 
of  invitation.  If  engraved  upon  a separate  card, 
it  will  be  simply: 

TO  MEET 

Senator  ani>  Mrs.  Gordon, 
of  San  Francisco. 

If  especial  honor  is  intended,  cards  in  the  follow- 
ing form  will  be  issued: 

To  7neet 

Commodore  and  Mrs.  Ryman, 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Gordon 
I Request  the  honor 

of^Mr.  and  Mrs.  Joel  Stevenson' s company 
at  dinner 

on  Thursday  evening,  November  f;th,  at  eight  o'  clock. 

56  Madison  Avenue. 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


I I I 


Replies  should  be  sent  as  soon  as  the  cards  are 
received  and  unequivocally  accepted  or  declined. 
If  in  doubt  as  to  your  ability  to  be  present,  it  is 
your  duty  to  decline  at  once.  If  you  accept,  nothing 
but  sickness,  death  or  some  unforseen  misfortune 
should  keep  you  away.  Should  you  become  the 
victim  of  an  uncontrolable  event,  an  explanation 
should  be  sent  at  once  to  the  hostess,  as  your  fail- 
ure to  be  present  will  disarrange  her  plans  and  may 
interfere  with  the  pleasure  of  the  entire  dinner- 
party, as,  for  example,  if  you  were  the  fourteenth 
expected  guest  and  failed  at  the  eleventh  hour;  in 
this  country  there  are  no  “ Fourteenth”  men  to  be 
hired. 

An  acceptance  is  written  in  the  following  or  a 
similar  formula: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Joel  Stevenson 
accept  zvith  pleasure 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Gordoti s 
kind  invitation  to  dine  zvith  them  on  Thursday 
evening.,  Nove7iiber  yth,  at  eight  o'clock. 

176  Tyrol  Street. 

If  unable  to  accept,  write  your  refusal  in  such  a 
way  as  to  express  real  regret.  The  following  or  its 
equivalent  may  be  used: 


I 12 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


Mr.  and  Mrs.,  Joel  Stevenson 

regret  most  sincerely  that  illness  in  the  family 

makes  it  quite  impossible  for  the  in  to  accept 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Gordon's 
kind  invitation  for  Thursday  evening, 
November  yth. 

176  Tyrol  Street. 

In  accepting  a dinner  invitation,  the  hour  should 
be  repeated,  so  that  if  any  errors  have  been  made — 
as  sometimes  happens  in  writing  invitations — they 
may  be  corrected. 

THE  DINNER  HOUR. 

The  usual  hour  for  dinner-parties  in  America,  is 
seven  o’clock,  though  they  are  sometimes  given  as 
early  as  six  and  as  late  as  eight.  To  be  prompt 
but  not  too  early  is  the  only  true  politeness  and 
is  rigidly  enjoined.  If  too  early,  the  hostess  may 
not  be  ready  to  welcome  you.  If  too  late  there  will 
not  be  sufficient  time  for  introductions  and  arrange- 
ments for  escorts.  F'ive  or  ten  minutes  before  the 
dinner  hour,  is  the  customary  time  for  arrival. 

Fifteen  minutes  is  the  longest  time  required  by 
etiquette,  to  wait  for  a tardy  guest.  To  wait  longer 
would  not  be  courteous  to  the  rest  of  the  company. 

DISTRIBUTION  OF  GUESTS. 

If  the  party  is  quite  small,  the  host  will  be  able  to 
designate  to  each  gentleman,  the  lady  whom  he  is  to 


DI-NNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


II3 

escort  to  the  table.  If  larger,  a gentleman  will  find 
in  the  hall,  upon  descending  from  the  dressing  room, 
a card  with  his  name  and  that  of  the  lady  assigned 
to  him,  also  “ right  of  host  ” or  “ left  of  host”  writ- 
ten upon  it;  and  also  a small  buttonhole  bouquet 
which  he  of  course  appropriates.  These  cards  may 
be  handed  to  guests  by  a servant,  or  they  may  be 
left  upon  a tray  from  which  gentlemen  help  them- 
selves. 

If  the  party  is  quite  large,  an  accurately  drawn 
diagram  of  the  table  with  the  name  of  each  gentle- 
man and  lady  written  in  its  place,  is  in  each  of  the 
dressing  rooms  and  a servant  calls  attention  to  it  if 
a guest  is  likely  to  overlook  it.  This  diagram  shows 
whom  each  gentleman  is  to  have  as  partner  at  table 
and  upon  which  side  of  the  host  each  couple  is  to 
look  for  places,  which  are  again  indicated  on  the 
table  by  location  cards.  This  arrangement  spares 
the  host  and  hostess  much  trouble  and  makes  the 
seating  of  a large  number  of  people  an  easy  matter. 

Of  course  much  pains  have  been  taken  in  arrang- 
ing and  preparing  the  cards,  to  place  side  by  side 
such  persons  as  will  be  congenial  to  each  other. 
Ladies  are  never  assigned  as  partners  to  their  own 
husbands. 


PRESENTATION  OF  GUESTS. 

On  entering  the  drawing  room,  the  lady  does  not 
take  her  husband’s  arm  but  precedes  him. 


I 14  DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 

If  the  gentleman  is  unacquainted  with  the  lady 
assigned  to  him,  he  asks  the  host  or  hostess  to  present 
him,  which  is  speedily  done. 

In  private  houses  in  England,  introductions  are 
not  considered  absolutely  necessary  and  frequently 
the  gentleman  and  lady  seated  together  at  table  do 
not  know  each  others  names. 

SEATING  GUESTS  AT  TABLE. 

Dinner  is  announced  by  the  butler  who  throws 
open  the  doors  of  the  dinning-room  and  bows  to 
the  host,  who  offers  his  left  arm  to  the  lady  who  is 
to  receive  this  honor,  and  leads  the  way  to  the  table. 
He  places  her  at  his  right  hand.  The  other  gentle- 
men and  ladies  follow — precedence  being  given  to 
the  elder  and  more  distinguished,  and  the  hostess 
follows  last,  having  asked  the  selected  gentleman 
if  he  will  take  her  in  to  dinner.  “ Each  pair  hav- 
ing found  their  places,  the  lady  at  the  right,  the 
gentleman  arranges  her  chair,  and  both  stand  until 
the  hostess  is  seating  herself,  then  each  lady  guest 
follows  her  example  and  the  gentlemen  do  the 
same.  This  is  done  as  quietly  as  possible,  because 
nothing  is  less  elegant  than  a bustling  manner. 

The  host  and  hostess  sit  opposite  each  other  (or 
as  nearly  so  as  the  distribution  of  a lady  and  gentle- 
man alternately  will  permit)  at  the  side  centers  of 
the  table  and  not  at  the  end,  as  this  arrangement 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


I 15 

enables  them  to  keep  an  eye  upon  each  guest,  to 
see  that  every  one  is  properly  served. 

REMOVING  THE  GLOVES. 

Guests  remove  their  gloves  as  soon  as  seated  at 
the  table,  and  unless  there  be  dancing  after  dinner, 
do  not  replace  them  again  during  the  evening. 

DUTY  OF  GUESTS. 

Each  guest  accepts  whatever -is  served  and  enjoys 
it,  or  seems  to  do  so.  It  is  the  duty  of  every  one 
to  contribute  his  share  toward  the  pleasure  of  the 
entertainment  and  no  discontent  should  appear  upon 
the  surface,  however  much  be  felt  within.  If  one 
accept  an  invitation  to  dine,  he  accepts  it  uncondi- 
tionally and  he  must  express  no  displeasure,  by 
word,  look  or  act. 

If  wine  is  offered  and  he  does  not  use  it,  he 
should  allow  a little  to  be  poured  into  the  different 
glasses,  but  he  need  not  drink  it.  If  toasts  be  drank, 
he  should  lift  his  glass  with  the  rest. 

The  entire  entertainment  should  be  accepted 
without  comment. 

DINNER  A LA  RUSSE. 

All  formal  dinners  are  now  served  a la  Russe ; 
that  is,  everything  is  handed  by  the  servants.  Noth- 
ing is  seen  on  the  table  except  the  wines,  the  fruit 
and  the  bonbons.  ^ 

Most  fashionable  dinners  are  served  by  hired 


Il6  DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 

caterers,  as  few  families  have  the  requisite  number 
of  servants  to  meet  the  demands  of  a large  dinner- 
party. 

BUTLER  AND  FOOTMEN. 

The  butler  with  his  corps  of  trained  footmen,  or 
the  caterer  with  his  trained  waiters,  as  the  case 
may  be,  will  of  course  see  that  everything  is  in 
complete  readiness  before  he  announces  the  dinner. 
The  footmen  wear  light  slippers  or  thin  soled  shoes, 
to  avoid  unnecessary  noise;  and  either  wear  gloves, 
or  wrap  one  corner  of  a napkin  around  the  thumb, 
that  the  plates  may  not  be  touched  with  the  naked 
hand. 

NAPKIN  AND  GLOVES. 

At  each  place  will  be  a plate  upon  which  is  the 
napkin,  folded  square  and  holding  a dinner-roll. 
As  soon  as  the  gloves  are  removed,  place  your  nap- 
kin partly  unfolded  across  your  lap,  your  gloves 
under  it,  and  your  roll  at  the  left  side  of  your  plate. 
You  will  find  also  at  your  place  a goblet  for  water 
and  several  glasses  for  wine,  two  knives,  three  forks 
and  a soup-spoon — no  other  table  spoons  are  placed 
upon  the  table  as  they  are  not  needed,  everything 
being  served  from  a side  .table. 

DINNER  COURSES. 

The  servant  first  brings  raw  oysters,  if  they  are 
not  already  upon  your  plate,  served  on  an  oyster 
plate,  which  are  eaten  with  the  small  fork  at  your 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT.  I 17 

right  hand.  Red  and  black  pepper  are  offered  upon 
a tray. 

After  the  oysters  are  eaten,  the  plates  are  re- 
moved and  one  or  two  kinds  of  soup  are  passed  by 
the  waiters — a half  ladleful  to  the  plate  is  sufficient. 

In  passing  dishes,  one  servant  commences  upon 
the  right  of  the  master  and  another  upon  the  right 
of  the  mistress.  Dishes  are  handed  to  the  guest 
upon  the  left  hand.  The  butler  pours  the  wine  at 
the  right  hand.  This  he  should  do  neatly  and 
briskly,  turning  the  bottle  so  that  no  drop  trickles 
down  upon  ladies’  dresses.  He  should  wrap  a 
napkin  around  champagne  bottles.  He  should 
avoid  giving  champagne  to  those  who  do  not  wish 
it,  and  should  never  overfill  a glass,  especially  for 
ladies,  who  rarely  drink  anything.  Different  kinds 
of  wine  are  served  with  the  different  courses. 

After  soup  comes  fish.  After  each  course,  the 
butler  rings  a bell  which  connects  with  the  kitchen, 
and  the  cook  sends  up  another. 

After  the  fish  is  removed,  the  meats  are  served 
on  hot  dinner-plates;  hot  plates  are  used  for  every, 
thing  of  this  kind,  except  pate  de  foie  gras,  which 
requires  a cold  plate. 

After  the  heavy  meats  comes  Roman  punch; 
then  the  game;  then  salad  and  cheese;  next  the 
ices  and  sweets;  then  cheese  savourie  or  toasted 
cheese. 

When  the  ices  are  removed,  a glass  dessert-plate 


Il8  DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 

with  a finger-bowl,  is  placed  before  each  person, 
with  two  glasses,  one  for  sherry  and  one  for  claret, 
and  the  fruits  are  then  passed.  The  finger-bowl 
should  be  removed  from  the  plate  and  placed  upon 
the  tVoylcy  at  the  left,  and  the  fingers  should  be 
wiped,  upon  the  dinner  napkin  and  not  upon  the 
d'oyley. 

After  the  fruits,  the  bonbons  are  passed. 

AFTER  DINNER. 

When  dinner  is  over,  the  hostess  bows  to  the 
lady  at  the  right  of  the  host,  rises,  and  all  the  com- 
pany rise.  The  gentleman  who  took  the  hostess  to 
dinner,  goes  with  her  to  the  door,  stands  there  until 
all  the  ladies  have  passed  out,  when  he  returns  to 
the  table.  The  host  changes  his  seat,  placing  him- 
self at  the  left  of  the  special  guest,  and  the  rest 
group  themselves  about  them,  and  the  wines  and 
liquors,  and  if  there  is  no  smoking-room,  the  cigars 
are  placed  by  the  host  and  the  servants  leave  the 
room. 

We  think  this  separation  of  guests,  as  well  as  the 
smoking  and  so  much  wine-drinking,  are  not  good 
customs,  but  ^‘good  society”  does  it,  and  it  is  our 
duty  to  report  society  correctly;  however,  many  of 
the  best  people  prefer  the  French  custom  of  the 
gentlemen  retiring  from  the  table  with  the  ladies. 

Coffee  is  sometimes  served  after  dessert,  and 
sometimes  brought  with  the  tea,  into  the  drawing- 


DINNERS  AND  DINEKS-OUT.  II9 

room,  half  an  hour  or  less  after  the  gentlemen  re- 
turn. Sometimes  it  is  served  to  the  ladies  in  the 
drawing-room,  while  the  gentlemen  are  discussing 
their  wines  and  cigars  in  the  dining-room.  When 
served  after  the  return  of  the  gentlemen  to  the 
drawing-room,  it  is  placed  upon  a table  with  the 
urn  and  the  hostess  or  her  daughter  pours  it  and  the 
gentlemen  hand  it  to  the  seated  guests.  A servant 
follows  with  sugar  and  cream  and  a small  carafe  of 
brandy,  also  wafers  and  tiny  sandwiches. 

After  the  tea-drinking  any  guest  may,  if  he  have 
engagements,  take  his  leave.  If  an  early  departure 
is  necessary,  the  guest  makes  it  known  to  the  host- 
ess before  dinner  and  there  is  no  leave-taking. 

All  guests  are  expected  to  leave  before  eleven 
o’clock. 

Cards,  dancing,  music,  conversation  are  indulged 
in  after  dinner. 

FLORAL  DECORATIONS  AND  FAVORS. 

Floral  decorations  are  as  profuse  and  favors  as  ex- 
pensive and  as  pretty  as  the  financial  circumstances 
and  the  refined  taste  of  the  host  and  hostess  permit 
or  suggest. 

FULL  DRESS. 

Gentlemen  and  ladies  go  to  a dinner-party  in  full 
dress,  the  gentlemen  in  the  regulation  “swallow-tail 
and  white  choker,”  the  ladies  in  whatever  is  con- 


120 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


sidered  full  toilette  for  that  season.  Gentlemen 
wear  pearl-colored  kid  gloves. 

It  is  again  fashionable  for  middle-aged  ladies  to 
wear  feathers  in  the  hair. 

BOUQUETS. 

Large  and  inconvenient  bouquets  are  carried  by 
ladies.  Gentlemen  of  course  content  them- 
selves with  the  boutonniet'e. 

AFTER  CALLS. 

As  has  been  elsewhere  stated,  strict  etiquette 
requires  that  a lady  who  is  about  to  give  a dinner- 
party, must  call  upon  all  her  proposed  guests  to 
whom  she  is  indebted  for  social  civilities.  So,  also, 
must  each  person  invited,  whether  the  invitation  be 
accepted  or  declined,  pay  a visit  to  the  hostess 
within  ten  days,  unless  illness  or  sorrow  prevent. 
If  the  lady  have  a day,  the  call  should  be  made 
upon  that  day  if  possible,  if  not,  cards  must  be  left 
in  person  with  the  usual  indication  of  a personal 
call — the  end  folded  over. 

Gentlemen  who  have  no  female  relatives  to  carry 
their  cards  for  them,  may  send  them  by  post.- 

SOME  GENERAL  RULES  REGARDING  DINNERS. 

We  have  given  the  principal  formalities  for  a 
formal  dinner-party;  a dinner  may  be  elaborate  or 
the  arrangements  may  be  simple  and  plain,  but 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


I'2  I 


there  are  some  general  rules  that  must  be  observed 
at  all  dinners,  including  the  private  family  dinner. 

Of  course  the  degree  of  formality  used  at  this 
meal  depends  upon  circumstances — as,  the  financial 
standing  of  the  master  of  the  house,  the  number  of 
servants  employed,  etc. 

An  extravagant  outlay  of  money  or  extensive  prep- 
arations are  not  necessary  to  an  enjoyable  dinner. 
It  is  the  friendly  feeling,  the  true  hospitality  that 
gives  most  pleasure.  Indeed,  the  happiness  of  a 
guest  is  often  marred  as  he  sits  down  to  an  extrava- 
gant dinner,  by  the  thought  that  he  is  accepting  a 
courtesy  which  he  cannot  return  upon  the  same 
scale  of  grandeur,  and  while  sincere  hospitality  ex- 
pects no  return,  true  refinement  demands  of  itself 
some  acknowledgment  of  proffered  civilities.  Char- 
itably inclined  persons  too,  while  enjoying  or  ad- 
miring the  beauty  of  silver  and  flowers,  reflect  with 
pain  upon  the  starving  poor  who  might  be  fed  from 
the  over-abundance  before  them,  and  the  dinner- 
party still  be  a success. 

Refinement  and  simplicity  are  not  incompatible 
in  the  appointments  of  the  dinner-table.  If  the 
table-cloth  and  napkins  are  spotlessly  white;  the 
china  and  glass,  clear  and  shining;  the  flowers  ar- 
ranged in  good  taste;  the  food  properly  prepared 
and  deftly  served,  and  the  host  and  hostess  ac- 
quainted with  the  usages  of  refined  society,  guests 
9 


122 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


have  only  themselves  to  blame  if  they  do  not  enjoy 
a simple  dinner. 

The  temperature  of  the  dining-room,  according 
to  a good  authority,  should  be  from  sixty  to  sixty- 
eight  degrees  Fahrenheit.  The  coffee  and  tea  hot; 
and  the  wines,  if  used,  cold. 

There  should  be  cheerful  and  pleasant  conversa- 
tion. Good  listeners  as  well  as  good  talkers  are 
necessary  to  the  success  of  a dinner-party.  By  this 
is  not  meant  that  you  should  listen  all  the  time,  but 
that  you  should  pay  respectful  attention  when 
others  speak,  and  not  only  pay  attention  but  under- 
stand and  be  able  to  give  an  intelligent  reply  if 
necessary. 

Next  in  annoyance  to  an  inattentive  listener,  is  • 
one  who  monopolizes  the  conversation,  but  the 
“nuisance,”  at  a dinner-table,  is  *the  man  who 
greedily  devours  his  food  and  will  not  talk  at  all. 

A celebrated  lady  lecturer  was  once  invited  to 
meet  one  of  our  most  noted  statesmen,  at  a dinner- 
party. As  she  was  desirous  of  making  his  ac- 
quaintance, the  hostess,  contrary  to  established 

usage,  requested  the  senator  to  escort  Mrs. , 

the  lecturer,  to  dinner.  As  he  was  past  middle  age, 
she  forgave  him  when  he  tucked  his  napkin  under 
his  chin.  She  addressed  a polite  question  to  him, 
which  he  answered  in  a monosyllable  as  he  gulped 
down  a raw  oyster.  Her  admiration  received  a shock. 
She  tried  again,  and  he  “guzzled”  his  soup  and  re- 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


123 


plied,  “don’t  know,  madam.”  He  would  not  talk, 
but  he  would  use  his  napkin  when  he  ought  to 
have  used  his  ’kerchief.  He  bolted  his  food  and 
hurried  down  his  wine,  in  short,  he  devoured  in- 
stead of  eating  his  dinner.  That  feast  was  a fu- 
neral for  Mrs.  . She  buried  the  dead  hero 

at  her  side  in  the  several  courses,  and  he  preached 
his  own  funeral  oration,  (he  was  a great  orator),  in 
these  words : “ Dinners,  madam,  were  made  to 

eat  and  not  to  be  spoiled  by  talk.  National  ques- 
tions are  discussed  in  the  United  States  Senate,  and 
society  affairs  are  not  worth  talking  about.” 

So  completely  disenchanted  was  the  lady  that 
she  could  not  again  quote  the  statesman  in  her 
lectures  as  she  had  frequently  done  before  the  din- 
ner-party acquaintance. 

THE  HOST  AND  HOSTESS 

will,  if  they  possess  the  tact  of  the  successful  en- 
tertainer, see  that  the  conversation  is  general,  and 
that  it  does  not  lag;  in  order  to  do  this  the  com- 
pany must  not  be  too  large. 

Do  not  have  too  many  courses. 

Do  not  serve  too  great  a variety  of  wines.  The 
host  uses  his  privilege  as  to  the  kinds  and  the  order 
of  serving,  however.  Sherry  is  everywhere  served 
with  soup,  and  Sauterne  or  Hock  with  fish.  Cham- 
pagne, or  red  wine,  if  preferred,  is  served  after  fish 
with  all  the  courses.  Sherry  and  Champagne  are 


124 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


all  that  are  necessary  if  you  must  have  wine.  You 
can  give  an  enjoyable  dinner  without  wine. 

Have  a salt-cellar  within  reach  of  every  guest. 

Never  reprove  your  servants  in  the  presence  of 
guests.  It  would  annoy  the  guests  and  mortify  the 
servants,  making  them  awkward  and  possibly  caus- 
ing them  to  do  worse  than  before.  If  your  best  china 
goes  crashing  to  the  floor,  you  must  smile  though 
your  heart  is  breaking  with  grief. 

Avoid  everything  that  is  unpleasant  at  table  or 
while  your  guests  remain  in  your  house.  Remem- 
ber you  requested  them  to  come,  that  you  might 
give  them  pleasure,  m t pain. 

If  you  cannot  control  your  feelings  under  any  and 
all  circumstances,  don’t  invite  your  friends  to  a din- 
ner-party; that  is,  don’t  give  a dinner-party. 

Never  keep  your  guests  at  table  longer  than  two 
hours.  Less  time  is  better. 

Let  your  dining-room  be  well  ventilated  and  well 
lighted.  The  decorations,  of  course,  will  be  accord- 
ing to  your  taste  and  your  means. 

It  seems  almost  an  impertinence  to  give  these 
rules  here,  yet  it  is  meant  only  in  kindness  to  such 
as  need  them;  and  those  who  do  not  need  them 
will  understand  that  they  are  not  included  in  the 
readers  thus  addressed. 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


125 


TO  THE  GUEST 

I would  say  that  the  severest  test  of  a man’s  good 
breeding  is  his  manners  at  table.  “There  are  a 
thousand  little  points  to  be  observed,  which,  al- 
though not  absolutely  necessary,  distinctly  stamp 
the  refined  and  well-bred  man.  A man  may  pass 
muster  by  dressing  well,  and  may  sustain  himself 
tolerably  in  conversation;  but  if  he  be  not  perfectly 
an  fait  dinner  will  betray  him.” 

Avoid  unpleasant  peculiarities  or  coarseness  of 
manners;  they  are  especially  offensive  at  table. 

Never  handle  the  glass  or  silver  near  you  unnec- 
essarily. 

Avoid  greediness  no  matter  how  hungry  you  are. 

Do  not  take  more  than  one  plate  of  soup. 

Never  tilt  your  soup  plate  for  the  last  spoonful. 

Never  betray  your  indecision  of  character  by  tak- 
ing up  one  piece  and  laying  it  down  for  another. 

Keep  the  mouth  closed  in  eating.  Let  your  eat- 
ing and  drinking  be  noiseless. 

Never  drink  a glassful  at  once,  nor  drain  the  last 
drop. 

Do  not  pla.y  with  food,  making  bread-pills  or 
pyramids. 

Wipe  the  mouth  with  the  napkin,  both  before 
and  after  drinking. 

Don’t  fold  the  napkin  after  dinner  is  over;  lay  it 
loosely  upon  the  table. 


126 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


If  you  break  anything  do  not  apologize  for  it 
while  you  are  at  the  table;  let  your  manner  show 
your  regret. 

It  is  strict  etiquette  to  take  the  last  piece  on  the 
dish  if  it  is  offered  you  and  you  want  it. 

If  you  find  yourself  side  by  side  with  one  with 
whom  you  are  not  acquainted,  enter  at  once  into 
conversation  without  an  introduction. 

Do  not  bite  your  bread,  nor  cut  it,  but  break  it 
before  buttering  it  to  eat. 

Soup  should  be  taken  from  the  side  of  the  spoon. 
Make  no  noise  in  drawing  it  up  or  swallowing  it, 
and  never  blow  into  it  to  cool  it. 

A glass  should  be  held  by  the  stem,  not  by  the 
bowl. 

Never  apologize  to  a servant  for  the  trouble  you 
give  him.  It  is  his  business  to  serve  you. 

If  you  have  occasion  to  speak  to  a servant,  wait 
until  you  can  catch  his  eye,  then  ask  in  a low  tone 
for  what  you  want. 

KNIFE  AND  FORK. 

A knife  should  never  be  used  at  table  excepting 
where  the  food  cannot  be  cut  with  the  fork.  It 
should  never  be  used  in  conveying  food  to  the 
mouth.  A fish  knife  is  used  to  assist  in  removing 
the  bones  from  fish;  a fruit  knife  in  peeling  fruit. 

A fork  is  used  with  the  tines  curving  upward.  A 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


127 


French  authority  says:  “Neyer  lay  a fork  on  its 

back." 

Never  overload  the  fork.  Use  it  with  the  right 
hand.  “ In  England  it  is  considered  bad  breeding 
to  transfer  the  fork  to  the  right  hand." 

Cheese  is  eaten  with  the  fork;  so  is  asparagus. 

Vegetables  are  eaten  with  a fork. 

Fish  and  some  kinds  of  fruit  are  eaten  with  sil- 
ver knives  and  forks.  If  fish  knives  are  not  pro- 
vided, and  you  cannot  manage  with  a fork  alone, 
especially  if  the  fish  is  very  bony,  you  may  help 
yourself  with  a small  piece  of  bread,  held  in  the 
left  hand. 

Pineapples  are  eaten  with  knife  and  fork;  so  also 
is  salad  if  not  cut  up  before  it  is  brought  to  the 
table. 

The  fork  is  sufficient  for  croquettes  and  that  class 
of  made  dishes,  but  for  roast  beef,  cutlets,  sweet- 
breads, etc.,  the  knife  also  is  necessary. 

THE  SPOON 

is  used  for  soup  of  course;  for  all  stewed  fruits  and 
preserves,  for  strawberries  and  cream,  for  peaches 
and  cream,  melons,  Roman  punch,  everything  too 
juicy  too  eat  with  a fork. 

FINGERS. 

Olives  and  artichokes  are  eaten  with  the  fingers; 
so  also  are  Saratoga  potatoes. 


128 


DINNERS  AND  DINERS-OUT. 


Grapes  are  eaten  from  the  hand,  the  stones  and 
skins  falling  into  the  hand  and  then  deposited  upon 
the  plate.  Cherries  when  not  “sugared”  are  eaten 
the  same  way. 

Strawberries  are  sometimes  served  with  the 
stems;  when  so  served  they  are  taken  up  with  the 
fingers,  one  by  one,  dipped  in  sifted  sugar  and 
eaten. 

Pears  and  apples  should  be  peeled  with  a silver 
knife,  cut  into  quarters  and  then  taken  up  with  the 
fingers. 

Oranges  may  be  peeled  and  cut  or  separated  as 
one’s  taste  dictates.  Or  the  top  or  end  may  be 
cutoff  and  the  orange  eaten  with  a spoon;  when 
so  eaten  it  should  be  held  in  the  left  hand  with  the 
napkin.  They  are  sometimes  cut  in  halves  and 
eaten  with  a spoon.  Southerners  always  eat  oranges 
with  a spoon.  At  some’  tables  the  dinner  napkins 
are  replaced,  before  the  dessert,  by  fruit  napkins. 


CHAPTER  IX. 


AT  TABLE. 

MONO  the  most  trustworthy  tests  of  good 
home  training  is  that  of  table  manners.  As 
' has  been  said  elsewhere,  there  are  a thousand 
little  points  to  be  observed  which  distinctly  stamp 
the  refined  and  well-bred  man  or  woman,  and  no  one 
can  hope  to  acquire  them,  who  does  not  daily,  in 
the  privacy  of  the  family  circle,  practice  them  as 
he  would  wish  to  do  in  company. 

In  no  place  does  a mother  show  her  own  breeding 
and  influence,,  or  the  lack  of  them,  as  at  table. 
She  should  understand  the  chemistry  of  foods  and 
the  hygiene  of  “correct  feeding;”  and  also  that  a 
regard  to  the  kind  of  food  is  not  more  necessary  to 
its  enjoyment  and  use  than  the  manner  of  eating  it. 
She  should  teach  her  family  that  eating  is  a fine 
art;  and  she  ought  to  know  that  to  acquire  a 
taste  for  it  and  proficiency  in  its  execution,  require 
continual  practice  and  a constant  model  before  them, 
until,  like  any  other  art,  it  becomes  a habit,  a second 
nature. 

Says  the  author  of  the  “ Bazaar  Book  of  Deco- 
rum:” “The  physiologists  tell  us,  that  the  human 
system  requires  for  its  proper  nutrition  a variety  of 

(129) 


130 


AT  TABLE. 


food.  There  must  be  a due  proportion  of  oily, 
albuminous  and  saccharine  matter  to  render  the 
diet  of  man  wholesome.  Neither  bread,  meat,  nor 
sugar,  however  necessary  as  a part  of  the  whole, 
is  sufficient  alone  to  sustain  the  health  and  vigor  of 
man.  There  must  be  a proper  quantity  of  each  in 
every  daily  meal.  The  experience  of  good  livers, 
with  their  regular  succession  of  courses  of  soup, 
fish,  meat,  vegetables  and  dessert,  has  long  since 
settled  this  matter  of  variety  of  food  to  their  own 
satisfaction,  and  in  accordance  with  the  teachings 
of  science.  Our  country  friends  are  apt  to  scorn 
all  lessons  from  such  a quarter,  but  we  assure  them 
that  in  regard  to  their  manner  of  eating  they  may 
follow  the  example  of  the  fashionable  with  advant- 
age. We  know  of  nothing  more  dangerous  to  health 
than  the  higgledy-piggledy  tables  of  our  country 
cousins,  where  flesh,  fowl,  fish  and  all  the  produc- 
tions of  the  earth  are  mingled  together  in  a confu- 
sion that  perplexes  the  taste,  and  prevents  all  dis- 
crimination of  choice.  To  eat  such  meals  requires 
the  voracity  which  rustic  labor  can  alone  give,  and 
to  digest  them  demands  such  a stomach  as  nature 
refuses  to  man,  but  grants,  it  is  said  to  the  ostrich. 

“ It  is  always  well  to  begin  the  dinner  as  every 
Frenchman  does — with  soup.  This  quiets  the 
excessive  craving  of  the  stomach,  but  does  not  com- 
pletely satisfy  the  hunger;  and  by  thus  subduing  its 
voracity,  prevents  it  from  inordinate  indulgence  in 


AT  TABLE. 


131 

food  that  is  less  easy  of  digestion.  So  also  is  there 
a good  reason  why  the  sweets  should  be  eaten  at 
the  close  of  the  dinner.  All  saccharine  foodjhas 
the  effect  of  quickly  satiating,  and,  if  taken  at  the 
commencement  of  a meal,  would  satisfy  the  appetite 
so  completely  as  to  indispose  it  for  the  other  more 
substantial  articles  of  diet  necessary  to  the  proper 
nourishment  of  the  body.” 

The  above  paragraph  explains  the  invariable  rule, 
“ Never  take  more  than  one  plate  of  soup.”  And 
so  all  rules  of  etiquette,  whether  explained  or  not, 
have  some  good  reason  for  being;  and  when  any 
rule  goes  out  of  fashion,  it  is  because  something 
better  has  been  discovered  to  take  its  place. 

In  compiling  a code  of  manners  for  the  table,  in 
order  to  make  it  complete,  it  is  necessary  to  say 
many  things  for  which  one  feels  like  apologizing 
and  yet  they  must  be  said,  for  there  are  those  (and 
a good  many  of  them)  who  need  to  be  reminded  of 
these  simple  rules. 

Emerson  says:  “ I could  better  eat  with  one  who 

did  not  respect  the  truth  or  the  laws,  than  with  a 
sloven  and  unpresentable  person.” 

So  let  our  first  rule  be,  always  come  to  the  table 
in  a presentable  fashion,  with  person  and  toilet  as 
scrupulously  clean  and  neat  as  can  be,  no  matter 
how  plain  you  are,. remembering  that  cleanliness  is 
next  to  godliness. 

And  let  the  next  be,  never  hurry  through  a meal, 


132 


AT  TABLE. 


let  business  press  as  it  will;  it  will  pay  you  in  the 
end  to  eat  leisurely.  If  you  catch  an  occasional 
bargain  by  bolting  your  meals,  you  lose  the  pleasure 
of  living  and  bring  upon  yourself  indigestion  or 
dyspepsia,  making  not  only  yourself  but  your  family 
and  friends  miserable. 

Never  be  late  at  the  family  table,  any  more  than 
you  would  at  a dinner-party.  Tardiness  spoils  food 
and  tempers. 

Ladies  should  be  seated  first,  beginning  with  the 
mother,  or  the  lady  who  presides  at  table. 

Sit  erect  without  being  stiff;  not  too  clos@  nor  too 
far  away  from  the  table,  and  carry  the  food  to  the 
mouth;  don’t  carry  the  mouth  to  the  food. 

NAPKIN,  KNIFE  AND  FORK. 

The  napkin  should  be  unfolded  and  laid  across 
the  knee,  and  only  one  corner  should  be  lifted  to 
wipe  the  mouth.  It  should  never  be  tucked  under 
the  chin. 

Where  there  are  plenty  of  servants,  a napkin 
should  never  be  used  a second  time,  before  washing; 
it  should  be  placed  loosely  upon  the  table  to  be 
cared  for  after  the  meal.  But  where  there  is  a large 
household  and  but  one  servant,  each  member  of  the 
family  should  fold  his  or  her  napkin  and  place  it  in 
the  ring  to  be  used  again  unless  much  soded. 

At  a social  tea  or  breakfast,  the  napkin  may  be 
folded  if  the  hostess  sets  the  example.  At  a fashion- 


AT  TABLE. 


133 


able  meal,  dinner,  luncheon  or  any  other,  it  is  never 
done.  ♦ 

The  knife  and  fork  may  be  placed  at  each  side  of 
the  plate  by  the  domestic  or  whoever  lays  the  table, 
or  they  may  be  placed  upon  the  plate  as  it  is  set 
down  hot  before  you;  in  the  latter  case  remove  them 
at  once.  Should  you  have  occasion  to  pass  your 
plate  for  a second  supply  of  any  dish,  remove  the 
knife  before  sending  it  up. 

Of  course  nobody  ever  holds  the  knife  and  fork 
upright  on  each  side  of  the  plate  while  taking. 

The  knife  should  be  used  only  in  cutting  food 
which  cannot  be  cut  with  the  fork,  and  never  in  con- 
veying food  to  the  mouth. 

Raise  the  fork  laterally  to  the  mouth  with  the 
right  hand.  Use  it  with  the  tines  curving  upward 
generally,  though  sometimes  it  is  necessary  to  turn  it 
the  other  way.  When  used  with  the  knife  in  cut- 
ting, the  tines  turn  downward,  and  the  fork  is  of 
course  held  in  the  left  hand. 

When  you  have  finished  a course  the  knife  and 
fork  should  be  placed  side  by  side  upon  the  plate. 
(Se’e  also  the  chapter  on  Dinners  and  Diners-out.) 

“Any  unpleasant  peculiarity,  abruptness,  or 
coarseness  of  manners,  is  especially  offensive  at 
table.  People  are  more  easily  disgusted  at  that 
time  than  any  other.”  Therefore  be  careful  not  to 
annoy  the  person  or  persons  next  you  by  fidgeting 


f34 


AT  TABLE. 


in  your  chair,  moving  your  feet,  playing  with  your 
knife,  fork,  spoon  or  any  of  the  table  equipage. 

Take  your  soup  from  the  side  of  the  spoon  and  not 
from  the  end;  do  not  not  make  a gurgling  noise  in 
drawing  it  up,  nor  blow  into  it  to  cool  it.  Never 
take  more  than  pne  kind  of  soup  and  never  send 
your  plate  back  for  more,  nor  tilt  it  to  get  the  last 
spoonful. 

Keep  the  mouth  closed  while  eating  and  make  as 
little  noise  as  possible.  Take  neither  too  large  nor 
too  small  mouthfuls. 

The  tea-spoon  or  coffee-spoon  should  not  be  left 
in  the  cup.  Of  course  no  gentleman  ever  pours  his 
tea  or  coffee  into  the  saucer. 

Loud  conversation  or  uproarious  laughter  should 
not  be  indulged  in;  they  are  characteristics  of  vul- 
garity. At  the  same  time  there  should  be  a cheer- 
ful chatting,”  good  nature,  a general  freedom  from 
care  and  anxiety  and  a social  time. 

A well  trained  young  man  will  avoid  using  his 
handkerchief  unnecessarily,  or  disgusting  those  about 
him  with  trumpet-like  performances  with  it.  He 
will  suppress  a cough,  a sneeze  if  possible;  if  not  he 
will  leave  the  room.  It  is  said  that  a sneeze  may 
be  stifled  by  pressing  the  finger  firmly  upon  the 
upper  lip. 

One  should  eat  neither  too  fast  nor  too  slow;  he 
should  not  lean  back  in  his  chair,  nor  find  fault  with 
the  food. 


AT  TABLE. 


^35 


He  need  not  think  it  ill-mannered  to  take  the  last 
piece  on  the  dish  when  it  is  offered.  It  would  be 
more  uncivil  not  to  take  it  if  he  wanted  it.’ 

If  a plate  is  handed  you,  keep  it  instead  of  pass- 
ing it  to  a neighbor,  unless  requested  to  do  so. 

Where  there  is  no  servant  and  the  table  is  served 
by  the  master  and  mistress,  if  a dish  is  passed  to 
you,  help  yourself  first  and  then  pass  it  on.  Other- 
wise it  is  the  waiter’s  business  to  pass  the  dishes. 

Don’t  sit  with  elbows  akimbo,  but  keep  them 
down,  close  to  you  side. 

Break  bread;  do  not  cut  it,  nor  bite  it. 

Hold  a glass  by  the  stem. 

Never  leave  the  table  with  your  mouth  full  of 
food. 

If  it  is  necessary  to  leave  the  table  before  the 
meal  is  ended,  ask  to  be  excused,  and  don’t  neglect 
to  do  so  because  your  mother  or  sister  presides. 

When  drinking,  raise  the  glass  perpendicularly  to 
the  lips,  then  lift  it  to  a slight  angle  and  drink 
noiselessly. 

Eject  bits  of  bone  quietly  upon  the  fork,  holding 
it  to  the  lips,  then  place  them  upon  the  plate;  or 
they  may  be  removed  the  same  as  fruit-stones,  by 
the  fingers,  or  behind  the^  half  open  hand,  as  ex- 
plained in  another  chapter. 

A napkin  should  never  be  used  for  any  purpose 
for  which  a handkerchief  was  intended. 

The  feet  should  be  placed  squarely  upon  the  floor 


136 


AT  TABLE. 


in  front  of,  and  comfortably  near  your  chair,  and 
not  crossed,  or  curled  around  the  legs  of  the  chair, 
nor  stretched  out  under  the  table,  to  the  disgust  of 
your  vis-a-vis. 

It  is  not  polite  to  talk  across  the  one  seated  next 
to  you,  nor  to  turn  you  back  to  one  person  for  the 
purpose  of  talking  to  another. 

The  well-bred  young  man  will  not  lean  upon  the 
table,  nor  rest  his  elbows  upon  it,  nor  lounge  in  his 
chair.  He  will  not  use  a tooth  pick  at  table  unless 
it  is  necessary  and  then  he  will  cover  his  mouth 
with  the  napkin  while  he  removes  any  obstruction 
that  may  trouble  him. 

The  well  trained  young  man  or  young  woman  will 
be  self-possessed  and  at  ease  under  all  circum- 
stances. If  a knife,  fork  or  spoon  be  accidentally 
dropped  the  servant  will  be  quietly  requested  to 
bring  another  and  no  further  notice  taken  of  the 
matter.  If  a dish  be  broken  or  a cup  of  coffee 
spilled,  no  profuse  apologies  are  made,  but  a well- 
bred  person  will  ^express  his  real  regret  by  a look 
towards  the  hostess  or  the  mother,  that  she  will 
understand  and  thta  is  all  that  is  necessary. 

The  self-possessed  mistress  and  mother  never 
reproves  servants  or  children  in  the  presence  of 
guests  or  of  the  family,  but  speaks  to  each  sepa- 
rately and  privately. 

Neither  she  nor  the  host  will  press  food  upon  a 
guest,  nor  insist  that  any  dish  is  especially  fine. 


AT  TABLE.  13/ 

They  will  never  apologize  for  any  disagreeable 
occurrences,  failures  of  the  servants,  etc. 

Apropos  of  pressing  food  upon  those  at  table, 
the  compiler  was  once  a guest  at  a house  where  the 
lady  considered  it  etiquette  to  press  her  friends  to 
“ take  a little  more  tea,  just  a small  cup,”  when  she 
knew  that  the  last  drop  had  been  poured  and  there 
was  no  more  forthcoming.  She  was  privately  asked 
by  the  host  what  she  would  do  in  case  a cup  were 
sent  up  to  her  to  be  refilled.  “ Ah,  I’ll  never  be 
caught  there,”  said  she;  ‘'I  know  my  people.  I 
know  when  to  urge  them.” 

It  is  vulgar  to  drink  from  the  saucer;  but  if  any 
one  not  as  well  trained  as  yourself  should  do  so 
take  no  notice  of  it.  A stor}^  is  told  of  an  English 
prince,  who,  when  a rustic  poured  his  tea  into  his 
saucer,  and  was  laughed  at  by  the  court  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  poured  his  own  tea  into  his  saucer,  thus 
reassuring  the  man  and  rebuking  his  ill-mannered 
court. 

Don’t  express  a decided  preference  for  any  one 
particular  dish. 

Don’ t gesticulate;  don’t  try  to  impress  the  family 
or  the  company  with  your  importance  or  your  su- 
perior knowledge,  by  using  large  words  or  parading 
your  achievements.  Forget  yourself  and  try  to 
promote  the  happiness  of  others. 

It  is  not  polite  to  thank  your  host  or  hostess  for 


10 


AT  TABLE. 


your  dinner.  Simply  express  pleasure  in  the  enter- 
tainment when  taking  leave  of  them. 

Constant  practice  and  attention  to  the  details  of 
table  etiquette  are  necessary  to  the  attainment  of 
ease  and  grace  of  manner,  but  there  are  two  things, 
the  skillful  doing  of  which  requires  especial  train- 
ing. These  are  the  eating  of  an  orange  with  a 
spoon  and  an  egg  from  the  shell.  They  are  better 
eaten  thus. 

An  authority  says:  “When  sweet  corn  is  served 

on  the  ear,  the  grain  should  be  pared  from  it  upon 
the  plate,  instead  of  being  eaten  from  the  cob.” 
Corn  retains  its  flavor  better  in  being  cooked  this 
way,  but  it  should  be  either  cut  from  the  cob  before 
bringing  it  to  the  table,  or  the  eater  should  be  pro- 
vided with  a sharp  steel  knife  for  the  purpose.  The 
ordinary  silver  or  plated  knife  is  a failure  in  this  in- 
stance. 

(For  further  instructions  as  to  the  use  of  the 
knife,  fork,  knife  and  fork,  spoon  and  fingers  see 
the  chapter  on  Dinners  and  Diners-Out.) 

BREAKFAST. 

Breakfast  is  the  least  ceremonious  of  meals. 
“Each  person  is  left  free,  within  certain  limits,  to 
consult  exclusively  his  own  convenience.  In  the 
great  country  houses  of  Europe,  where  a very  cere- 
monious hospitality  is  kept  up,  the  breakfast  is 
deemed  so  far  an  exception  to  the  general  law  of 


strict  observance  that  it  is  served  to  the  guests,  as 
it  might  be  to  so  many  travelers  at  an  inn,  at  any 
hour  in  the  morning,  in  the  dining-hall,  or  even  in 
their  own  rooms.” 

In  our  own  country,  in  establishments  where  the 
corps  of  servants  is  sufficiently  large  to  prevent  the 
disarrangement  of  the  day’ s plans,  much  the  same 
freedom  is  allowed.  Each  one  comes  in  without 
ceremony  as  it  pleases  him.  However,  the  younger 
children  breakfast  with  the  nursery  governess  at  a 
regular  hour.  In  smaller  households,  to  inculcate 
order  and  punctuality,  and  prevent  the  inconven- 
ience attendant  upon  the  straggling  mode  of  break- 
fasting, a fixed  hour  is  usually  insisted  upon  for  the 
family,  though  guests  are  allowed  a wider  discre- 
tion in  regard  to  the  time  of  breaking  their  fast. 

. At  this  first  meal  of  the  day,  even  in  the  most 
orderly  households,  a certain  amount  of  freedom  is 
allowed  which  would  not  be  justifiable  at  any  other 
time.  The  master  may  read  the  morning  paper, 
and  other  members  of  the  family  may  look  over 
their  correspondence  in  silence  if  they  choose. 

The  simplest  costume  is  the  most  becoming,  but 
there  should  be  no  wrappers  or  hair  in  curl-papers 
on  the  part  of  the  lady  members  of  the  household, 
and  no  dressing-gown  or  slippers  for  the  gentlemen. 


140 


AT  TABLE. 


THE  BREAKFAST  TABLE. 

In  accordance  with  the  unceremoniousness  of  the 
meal,  the  breakfast  table  should  be  simply  but 
prettily  dressed.  Snowy  damask  tablecloth  and 
napkins,  fresh,  fine  and  smooth;  spotless  glass  and 
china;  a few  simple  flowers  when  obtainable  and 
always  fruit  in  season  are  not  luxuries  but  necessi- 
ties. Napkins  and  finger-bowls  are  just  as  neces- 
sary to  the  decency  of  the  breakfast  table  as  they 
are  for  the  dinner  table. 

The  lady  takes  her  place  at  the  side  of  the  table 
and  may  make  the  tea  and  coffee  there  or  it  may 
be  made  in  the  kitchen.  The  tea  and  coffee  urns 
stand  upon  or  beside  the  tray  which  she  has  before 
her,  or  she  may  have  a low  stand  at  her  left  for 
these  unseemly  vessels.  Of  course  a spirit  lamp  is 
a necessary  adjunct  to  this  part  of  the  equipage. 
We  are  told  that  the  “slop-bowl”  is  no  longer  fash- 
ionable; all  the  same  we  advise  their  use;  so  does 
common  sense. 

Fruit  should  constitute  the  first  course  of  every 
breakfast.  Bread,  toast,  oatmeal,  crushed  wheat, 
hominy,  buckwheat,  graham-gems  or  mush,  eggs, 
butter,  milk,  etc.,  etc.;  a bit  of  fresh  fish,  breakfast 
bacon,  cold  meat,  anything  light  and  dainty  may 
make  up  the  breakfast  bill  of  fare. 

At  a quiet  family  breakfast,  it  is  a pretty  fashion 
to  place  the  whole  loaf  of  bread  on  the  table,  with 


AT  TABLE. 


I4I 

a large  knife  beside  it.  The  host  cuts  the  bread 
and  helps  each  one  as  he  or  she  desires  it.  We  are 
told  that  Queen  Victoria  set  this  fashion,  but  the 
Germans  claim  it  as  their  own. 

LUNCHEON. 

Luncheon,  the  dejeuner  a la  fourchette — the 
breakfast  with  a fork — of  the  French,  is,  in  the 
country,  called  early  dinner,  ladies’  dinner  or  child- 
rens’ dinner.  A luncheon  may  be  quite  as  elabo- 
rate and  ceremonious  as  a dinner,  but  of  that  we 
have  elsewhere  spoken,  and  will  give  here  only  the 
simple  family  luncheon,  which  is  served  at  any  time 
between  twelve  and  two  o’clock  and  serves  the 
double  purpose  of  a “breakfast  with  a fork  ” for 
the  lady  members  of  the  household  and  an  early 
dinner  for  the  children  and  servants. 

White  or  colored  table-cloths  may  be  used  and 
the  bare  table  is  sometimes,  though  seldom,  used. 

The  luncheon  may  be  hot  or  cold,  but,  as  it  is 
the  childrens’  dinner,  there  should  be,  at  least,  one 
hot  dish,  even  with  the  cold  repast.  There  are 
salads,  cold  meats,  sandwiches  and  dessert  of  fruits, 
jellies,  cake,  etc.  If  a hot  lunch  is  served  there 
are  vegetables. 

Sometimes  the  luncheon  is  made  out  of  the  re- 
mains of  the  previous  day’s  dinner.  Tea,  coffee  or 
chocolate  is  served.  As  a rule,  the  gentlemen  of 
the  family  “lunch”  down  town. 


142 


AT  TABLE. 


Table  mats  are  no  longer  used,  either  at  lunch- 
eon or  dinner. 

We  believe,  with  Mrs.  Sherwood,  that  “it  is  well 
in  all  households,  if  possible,  for  the  children  to 
breakfast  and  lunch  with  their  parents.  The  teach- 
ing of  table  manners  cannot  be  begun  too  soon. 
But  children  should  never  be  allowed  to  trouble 
guests.  If  not  old  enough  to  behave  well  at  table, 
guests  should  not  be  invited  to  the  meals  at  which 
they  are  present.  It  is  very  trying  to  parents, 
guests  and  servants. 

When  luncheon  is  to  be  an  agreeable,  social  re- 
past, which  guests  are  expected  to  share,  then  the 
children  should  dine  elsewhere.  No  mother  suc- 
ceeds better  in  the  rearing  of  her  children  than  she 
who  has  a nursery  dining-room,  where,  under  her 
own  eye,  her  bantlings  are  properly  fed.  It  is  not 
so  much  trouble  either  as  one  would  think.” 

THE  FAMILY  DINNER. 

In  all  well-regulated  families,  the  dinner  is  a 
formal  repast,  even  if  there  are  but  two  persons 
present.  It  should  be  the  time  for  the  family  visit- 
ing, for  cheerful  conversation,  and  never  less  than 
an  hour  should  be  spent  at  table.  It  is  the  family 
reunion  and  all  business,  care  and  worry  should  be 
laid  aside,  and  only  sunshine  flood  the  room. 

A bare  hard-wood  floor  with  large  rug  is  best  for 
a dining  room.  Servants  should  be  taught  to  move 


AT  TABLE. 


143 


the  chairs  without  noise  and  they  should  wear  thin- 
soled  shoes  that  do  not  creak.  When  dessert  is 
served  they  should  leave  the  room  that  the  family 
may  enjoy  the  time  in  privacy. 

The  table-cloth  should  be  pure  white.  Large 
napkins  plainly  folded  with  a roll  or  piece  of  bread 
inside  should  be  placed  at  each  plate.  These 
should  be  removed  when  the  fruit  course  is  brought, 
and  with  each  finger-bowl  should  be  a small  nap- 
kin with  which  to  wipe  the  fingers — the  (roylies  are 
never  used  for  this  purpose. 

The  dinner  may  be  placed  upon  the  table  and  the 
head  of  the  household  do  the  carving,  while  the 
lady  serves  the  soup,  etc. 

The  knives  and  forks  are  placed  on  each  side  of 
the  plate,  ready  for  use. 

Salt-cellars  are  placed  at  each  plate  and  salt  may 
be  taken  with  the  knife. 

Dessert  spoons  and  small  forks  are  not  put  on  at 
the  beginning  of  the  dinner,  but  are  brought  as 
needed — when  the  Roman  punch  is  served  before 
the  game,  and  again  when  the  plum-pudding  is 
served  before  the  ices. 

A very  small  spoon  is  served  for  the  coffee,  after 
dinner — to  harmonize  with  the  small  cups  now 
used. 

Care  should  be  taken  in  using  4he  spoon,  espe- 
cially the  dessert-spoon,  not  to  put  it  too  far  into 
the  mouth. 


144 


AT  TABLE. 


The  family  dinner-table  should  be  as  carefully 
laid  and  the  dinner  as  ceremoniously  served  as  for 
company.  There  is  no  better  school  of  manners 
for  sons  and  daughters  than  the  home  dinner. 

The  courses  may  be  many  or  few,  but  every  din- 
ner should  be  served  in  courses. 

Many  families  have  a dinner-party  on  a certain 
day  every  week;  the  guests  may  be  from  two  to 
ten.  Others  never  eat  a dinner  alone,  thinking  it 
inhospitable  to  do  so,  and  still  others  fear  they  may 
lapse  into  carelessness  if  they  have  not  the  restraint 
of  the  presence  of  guests. 

While  cheerfulness  is  one  of  the  essentials  of  a 
good  dinner,  familiarity  between  members  of  the 
family  should  never  be  allowed.  The  same  court- 
esy should  be  observed  as  between  friends. 

The  bad  manners  of  young  Americans,  are  more 
from  lack  of  home  education  and  training  than 
from  inate  coarseness. 

Parents  of  limited  means  should  not  deprive  their 
children  of  the  advantages  of  good  society,  because 
their  neighbors  entertain  upon  a grander  scale. 
Some  of  the  most  enjoyable  dinners  are  the  simplest 
and  some  of  the  most  delightful  entertainers  are 
those  who  make  but  little  show  of  silver,  etc. 


CHAPTER  X. 

BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  SUPPER. 


REAKFASTS  in  our  country  are  given  at  any 
hour  from  nine  to  twelve.  To  a formal  break- 
fast in  the  city,  you  are  invited  at  twelve. 
There  is  not  much  difference  in  the  formalities  of 
dinners  and  breakfasts  except  that  the  latter  is  less 
formal  and  consequently  more  enjoyable.  Both 
gentlemen  and  ladies  are  invited  to  a breakfast,  but 
as  we  have  no  leisure  class,  our  gentlemen  being 
business  men,  they  are  seldom  able  to  give  them- 
selves the  pleasure  of  an  acceptance. 

INVITATIONS. 

Invitations  to  breakfast  are  written  and  sent  out 
five  days  in  advance  of  the  entertainment.  They 
may  be  written  in  the  first  person,  or  the  lady  may 
use  her  visiting  card,  thus: 

Mrs.  Mortimer  Thompson, 

Breakfast  at  ten, 

December  i8th.  310  Sixth  Avenue,. 

Thursday, 

Or  if  she  does  not  wish  to  give  the  breakfast  on 
her  receiving  day,  she  runs  her  pen  through  Thurs- 
day and  substitutes  the  day  desired: 

(145) 


146  BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON,  ETC. 

Mrs.  Mortimer  Thompson, 

Breakfast  at  ten, 

December  17th.  310  Sixth  Avenue. 

Thursday. 

The  breakfast  should  be  dainty  and  appetizing, 
“not  heavy  or  excessive  in  quantity.” 

COSTUMES. 

Walking  costumes  are  worn  by  both  gentlemen 
and  ladies,  also  visiting  gloves  which  are  removed 
after  being  seated  at  table.  The  lady  lays  off  her 
wraps,  but  not  her  bonnet.  The  formalities  of 
greeting  the  hostess  are  the  same  as  at  dinner. 

SEATING  THE  GUESTS. 

If  it  be  a large  breakfast  or  luncheon  at  which 
gentlemen  are  present,  the  pairing  and  seating  of 
guests  is  the  same  as  at  dinner.  If  there  are  more 
ladies  than  gentlemen — and  there  are,  usually  — 
the  lady  is  informed  where  she  is  to  be  seated. 

If  ladies  only  are  present,  they  find  their  places 
by  location  cards,  having  followed  a lady  leader 
designated  by  the  hostess,  who  follows;  or  the  hos- 
tess may  lead  the  way  with  the  lady  whom  she 
wishes  to  honor  on  her  right,  without  however 
offering  her  arm,  when  the  guests  follow  and  seat 
themselves  as  they  choose. 

If  the  host  is  present,  he  conducts  the  oldest  lady 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON,  ETC. 


147 


or  the  one  who  for  the  time  being  is  entitled  to  pre- 
cedence. 

THE  FOOD 

may  be  served  from  a side  table,  or  may  be  placed 
upon  the  breakfast-table.  The  only  difference  be- 
tween serving  a breakfast  and  a dinner,  is  that  at 
the  former,  tea,  coffee  and  chocolate  are  placed  near 
the  hostess  and  are  poured  by  her  own  hand,  and 
the  courses  are  more  delicate  and  fewer  in  number. 

Unless  music  follow  a breakfast  or  luncheon, 
guests  take  their  departure  half  an  hour  after  leav- 
ing the  table. 

LUNCHEON. 

Usually,  ladies  only  are  invited  to  a luncheon. 
The  lady’s  visiting-card  is  used  for  the  invitation, 
which  is  similar  to  that  for  breakfast  except  that 
the  time  for  luncheon  is  from  half  past  one  to  two 
o’clock. 

Numbers  are  spelled  out  on  a visiting  card;  figures 
are  used  only  for  the  address  and  where  the  distri- 
bution of  the  words  upon  the  line  require  it,  for  the 
day  of  the  month  and  sometimes  for  the  year. 

The  hostess  does  not  pour  the  coffee  as  at  break- 
fast. 

As  many  courses  are  frequently  served  at  lun- 
cheon as  at  dinner,  except  that  there  are  fewer 
wines  at  the  former  and  the  bouillon  is  served  in 
cups  with  saucers,  instead  of  soup-plates. 


148 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON,  ETC. 


Menus  are  not  necessary,  but  are  sometimes  pro- 
vided as  at  dinner. 

Calls  are  not  expected  after  a simple  or  informal 
breakfast  or  luncheon,  “but  they  must  follow  grand 
and  ceremonious  ones.”  The  costumes  required  for 
the  latter  are  handsome  carriage  toilettes,  with 
evening  bonnets  for  the  ladies,  and  dark  frock-coats 
and  vests,  with  light  trousers,  neckties  and  gloves 
for  the  gentlemen. 

We  can  do  no  better  under  this  head  than  to 
quote  again  from  ‘‘Social  Etiquette  of  New  York,” 
the  following: 

“The  small  lunch  of  from  eight  to  twenty  is  con- 
ducted in  the  same  style  as  the  breakfast,  but  the 
very  large  one,  wfth  from  thirty  to  sixty  guests,  is 
arranged  for  both  drawing  and  dining-rooms, 
where  small  tables,  for  four  persons  each — parties 
carree — are  carefully  grouped  for  social  enjoyments. 
Sometimes  very  large  luncheons  are  given  to  meet 
a lady  of  note,  or  to  introduce  a stranger,  in  which 
case  they  are  called  progressive  luncheons. 

Guests  reply  to  the  invitations  immediately,  and 
the  hostess  gives  her  orders  to  th^e  caterer  to  supply 
the  little  tables,  small  chairs,  and  the  luncheon,  for 
a fixed  number  of  persons,  she  of  course  deciding 
what  shall  be  put  upon  the  bill  of  fare.  The  guests 
present  themselves  in  handsome  visiting  toilets,  and 
are  in  their  bonnets.  They  remove  their  gloves  at 
table.  Several  diagrams  of  the  tables  and  their 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON,  ETC. 


149 


places,  with  the  names  of  the  guests  upon  them, 
are  placed  in  the  dressing-room,  so  that  each  guest 
may  easily  find  her  own  location.  They  are  received 
by  the  hostess  and  are  presented  to  her  friend  or 
friends  in  a library  or  other  reception  room,  where 
they  await  the  announcement  of  luncheon.  The 
guest  of  honor,  if  there  is  one,  is  seated  at  a table 
near  the  centre,  and  between  courses  two  of  the 
ladies,  who  are  seated  with  her  and  the  hostess,  rise 
and  exchange  seats  with  others  whose  names  the 
hostess  mentions  to  them.  This  change  is  made 
several  times  during  the  entertainment.  Ladies  at 
other  tables  also  exchange  places  if  they  like  dur- 
ing the  removal  of  plates,  each  one  carrying  her 
napkin  with  her. 

This  style  of  luncheon  is  in  high  favor  with  those 
who  entertain  extensively,  and,  if  expense  is  of 
small  consideration,  it  is  an  easy  and  certainly  a 
most  agreeable  method  of  being  hospitable.  Of 
course  after  calls  within  ten  days  are  obligatory,” 

Says  a friend  near  by:  “Please  tell  your  readers 

what  to  have  fo.r  luncheon.” 

At  breakfast  tea,  coffee  and  chocolate  are  served. 
At  luncheon  wines  may  be  and  usually  are  offered. 
Coffee  is  not  served. in  the  drawing-room  as  at  din- 
ner. Soup  and  fish  are  not  a part  of  the  luncheon 
except  in  winter  bouillon  is  provided  and  is  served 
in  cups. 

The  menu  is  largely  a matter  of  taste  or  conven- 


I 50  BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON,  ETC. 

h 

ience  with  the  hostess,  but  if  a cold  luncheon  she 
may  have  rissoles  of  sweetbread,  of  fish,  cut- 

lets, quails,  Saratoga  potatoes,  sweets,  fruit  and 
coffee  or  wine;  or  there  may  be  cold  meats,  ham, 
tongue,  roast  beef,  cold  fowl,  game,  salads  and  even 
hot  chops  at  a cold  meal. 

If  the  hostess  prefer  a hot  luncheon,  she  provides 
beefsteak  or  chops,  quail  on  toast,  mashed  potatoes, 
asparagus  or  peas,  with  sweets,  ice-cream,  etc. 

A nice  way  is  to  have  the  table  arranged  with  the 
fruit  and  flowers,  thin  slices  of  bread  buttered,  jel- 
lies, preserves,  creams,  cakes,  a dish  of  salmon 
mayonnaise,  and  if  served,  claret  and  sherry  on  the 
table.  This  looks  enticing  if  tastefully  placed,  and 
when  ready  to  serve,  the  cold  meats  are  brought 
from  a side-table  by  a servant,  or  they  may  be 
placed  upon  the  table  and  served  by  the  host  and 
hostess  with  the  help  of  a servant. 

If  it  be  a hot  lunch  the  vegetables  are  not  placed 
upon  the  table.  The  entrees,  hot  or  cold,  are  served 
by  the  master  and  mistress  of  the  house. 

SUPPER. 

The  once  favorite  entertainment,  the  supper  for 
gentlemen  and  ladies,  is  again  coming  into  favor. 
Excepting  suppers  for  gentlemen,  ‘'bachelor’s  sup- 
pers” as  they  are  called,  the  supper  party,  until 
recently,  has  not  for  some  years  been  popular. 

The  game  suppers,  at  which  wild  fowl  with  wines 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON,  ETC.  I 5 I 

and  coffee  and  desserts  of  pastry,  creams  and  bon- 
bons are  served;  the  fish  suppers,  almost  exclusively 
of  fish,  including  shell  fish,  etc.,  with  salads,  fruit, 
coffee  and  wines;  the  wine  and  champagne  suppers, 
made  up  of  a variety  of  luxuries,  and  differing  from 
the  dinners  only  in  the  cold  fillets  of  game,  boned 
turkey,  spiced  meats,  etc.,  instead  of  all  hot  meats, 
and  a dessert  of  rich  compounds,  which  are  sure  to 
bring  headaches  in  the  morning,  are  the  suppers 
which  have  always  found  favor  with  the  epicure 
among  married  men  as  well  as  bachelors.  They 
are  served  from  ten  or  eleven  o’clock  to  one  or  two. 
The  invitations  are  informal  and  are  written  upon 
the  host’s  visiting  card,  merely  adding: 

Supper  at  ten  o’clock, 

Saturday,  December  8th. 

But  the  supper  to  which  gentlemen  and  ladies 
are  invited  is  a different  affair.  It  is  served  at  nine 
or  half-past  nine  o’clock,  and  is  much  like  a dinner. 
Oysters  on  the  half  shell  is  the  first  course,  bouillon 
in  cups,  the  second.  ‘Tf  a hot  supper  is  served 
the  usual  dishes  are  sweetbreads  with  green  peas, 
cotelettes  a la  firianciere,  and  some  sort  of  game 
in  season;  salads  of  every  kind  are  in  order,  and  are 
often  served  with  the  game.  Then  ices  and  fruit  fol- 
low. 

At  the  informal  supper  the  dishes  are  all  placed 
on  a table  together  as  for  a supper  at  a large  ball; 


152 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON,  ETC. 


that  is,  one  kind  of  informal  supper.  Another  may 
consist  of  oysters,  lobster  salad  and  cold  chicken, 
with  a glass  of  champagne  and  one  kind  of  ice- 
cream. Some  ladies  serve  a cup  of  hot  coffee. 

Oysters  may  be  served  in  various  ways,  as  scal- 
loped, broiled,  or  even  fried.  Hot  vegetables  are 
never  served  at  suppers. 

A hostess  need  have  little  trouble  in  selecting  the 
courses  for  an  informal  supper,  as  there  are  no 
strict  rules  demanding  only  certain  dishes.  She 
may  serve  chicken  in  any  form  convenient;  broiled 
birds  on  toast,  mushrooms  on  toast;  all  sorts  of 
salads  and  pressed  meats;  she  may  add  to  or  sub- 
tract from  this  list  if  she  like. 

Suppers  for  balls  and  parties — which  are  ‘‘stand 
up”  suppers —include  all  sorts  of  hot  and  cold 
dishes;  venison,  fillet  of  beef  with  truffles;  oysters 
in  every  form  except  raw;  salads  of  every 
kind ; boned  and  truffled  turkey  and  chicken ; 
cold  birds;  hot  canvas-back  duck;  turtle;  terra- 
pin, oyster  and  game  pates\  bonbons,  ices,  biscuits, 
creams,  jellies  and  fruits  with  champagne. 

The  table  should  be  as  carefully  set  as  for  dinner, 
and  at  a “sit  down”  supper  the  same  etiquette  ob- 
served as  to  the  changing  of  plates,  etc.,  whether 
the  supper  be  formal  or  otherwise. 


CHAPTER  XI. 


AT  HOME  MATINEES  AND  SOIREES— 
TEAS,  KAFFEE  KLATCHES,  ETC. 

N France  any  social  gathering  before  dinner  is 
called  a rnalinee ; any  entertainment  after  din- 
ner, a soiree.  In  America  we  call  an  afternoon 
performance  at  the  theatre  a matinee,  and  by  gen- 
eral license  all  afternoon  entertainments  are  so 
called  to  distinguish  them  from  those  held  at  night. 


, KETTLEDRUMS. 

A few  years  ago  the  informal  afternoon  reception 
was  called  a kettledrum,  for  what  reason,  author- 
ities differ;  some  claiming  that  it  originated  in  gar- 
risons, where  officers  and  their  wives  could  give 
only  the  most  informal  entertainments,  owing  to 
the  limitations  of  camp  life.  We  remember  having- 
seen,  a short  time  after  their  introduction  into  this 
country,  an  explanation,  something  like  the  follow- 
ing: As  the  kaffee  klatch  of  the  German  ladies 

meant  the  ''  schnattern  and  plappereiein  (and  klats- 
chen)  and  coffee-drinking,  so  the  tea-drinking  and 
the  loud,  rapid  talking  of  the  English  ladies,  sug- 
gested kettledrum,  the  noisiest  of  all  drums. 

(153) 


II 


154 


AT  HOME  MATINEES,  ETC. 


TEA  OR  KAFFEE  KLATCH. 

The  only  difference  between  a “tea”  and  kaffee 
klatch  is,  that  at  the  former,  tea  is  the  beverage 
served,  and  coffee  at  the  latter.  The  “tea”  origi- 
nated in  England  and  the  kaffee  klatch  is  a Ger- 
man importation. 

Ladies  are  expected  to  present  themselves  at 
these  entertainments  in  street  toilet;  gentlemen  the 
same.  The  hostess  is  in  full  dress.  Friends  as- 
sist her  in  receiving,  unless  she  is  introducing  a 
daughter  or  other  young  lady  into  society.  Her 
daughter  or  young  lady  friends  assist  her  in  the  tea- 
room. 

INVITATIONS. 

The  gentleman  of  the  house  is  not  expected  to 
be  present  at  these  receptions  and  the  invitations 
are  issued  in  the  name  of  the  hostess  only,  unless 
she  is  introducing  a daughter  into  society,  or  a 
stranger  into  her  own  circle,  when  the  name  of  the 
daughter  or  stranger  appears  upon  the  card  beneath 
her  own. 

For  a high  tea  the  card  is  of  medium  size  and 
bears  the  names: 

Mrs.  John  R.  Dimmitt, 

Miss  Dimmitt. 

A t home 

Wednesday,  November'  2^th, 
from  four  until  eight  d clock. 

78  Forest  Avenue. 


AT  HOME  MATINEES,  ETC. 


^55 


For  a simple  “at  home,”  the  invitations  will  be 
as  follows: 

Mrs.  John  R.  Dimmitt, 

Miss  Dimmitt. 

Wednesday,  November  2^th, 

Coffee  at  four  o'clock. 

78  Forest  Avenue. 

“At  home  ” is  seldom  engraved  upon  a card  for 
a very  informal  occasion,  unless  it  be  after  a wed- 
ding. If  a Series  of  teas  are  given,  the  lower  left 
corner  is  engraved: 

Tuesdays  in  November , 
from  three  to  seve?t  o'clock. 

These  cards  are  sent  by  mail  in  two  envelopes;  but 
less  formal  “at  homes,”  when  the  day  and  hour  are 
written  instead  of  being  engraved  in  the  left  cor- 
ner, are  sent  in  but  one  envelope.  If  several  ladies 
are  to  receive  with  the  hostess,  their  cards  may  or 
may  not  be  enclosed  with  hers. 

An  elaborate  reception  is  preceded  by  a visit  or  a 
call  by  card  upon  all  acquaintances  to  whom  the 
hostess  is  indebted  for  formal  civilities. 

ARRIVAL  OP'  GUESTS. 

At  ceremonious  receptions,  a carpet  is  spread 
from  the  threshold  to  the  curbing.  A s.erving-man 
stands  ready  to  open  the  carriage  door  and  assist 
such  ladies  to  alight,  as  are  not  accompanied  by  a 


156  AT  HOME  MATINEES,  ETC. 

gentleman.  As  gentlemen  seldom  attend  afternoon 
receptions,  this  man  is  of  great  service  at  the  arri- 
val and  departure  of  guests.  He  gives  the  coach- 
man a card  with  a number  upon  it,  and  a duplicate 
to  the  guest,  so  that  her  carriage  shall  be  called  by 
number  only. 

ENTRANCE. 

After  having  laid  aside  her  wraps,  either  in  the 
hall  or  a dressing-room,  the  lady  precedes  her 
‘‘escort”  or  companion  (usually  a young  lady)  by 
a few  steps,  into  the  drawing-room.  She  intro- 
duces whoever  accompanies  her,  to  the  hostess, 
who  then  presents  them  both  to  her  “assistants,” 
and  only  an  exchange  of  civilities  is  permissible. 

LENGTH  OF  TIME  TO  REMAIN. 

Half  an  hour  is  the  prescribed  length  of  time  to 
remain  at  a reception,  unless  there  is  a special  en- 
tertainment, as  music  or  dancing. 

REFRESHMENTS. 

A table  is  set  in  the  dining  room,  with  tea,  coffee 
and  chocolate,  dainty  sandwiches,  cake,  ices,  etc. , 
and  for  a “high  tea”  an  “elaborate  spread”  is 
sometimes  provided.  Guests  go  to  the  refresh- 
ment-room and  are  “helped”  by  the  daughters  or 
young  lady  friends. 

Ices,  coffee,  cake,  etc.,  may  be  passed  in  the 
drawing-room  to  such  guests  as  do  not  care  to  go 
to  the  tea-room  for  anything  more  substantial. 


AT  HOME  MATINEES,  ETC. 


157 


At  a tea  or  kaffec  klatch,  if  there  is  not  a crowd, 
the  refreshments  may  be  passed  to  the  guests  by  a 
servant,  or  by  the  daughters  or  young  lady  friends. 
The  fashion  of  being  served  by  the  young  ladies  is 
preferred,  especially  b}^  those  who  are  comparative 
strangers  The  pleasant  word  given  to  each  guest 
is  quite  as  enjoyable  as  the  coffee. 

DANCING. 

If  there  is  dancing,  the  hostess  invites  such  as 
she  desires  to  remain,  by  special  note,  or  by  verbal 
request  during  the  afternoon,  or  the  word  “dancing” 
may  be  engraved  or  written  on  the  corner  of  the 
card. 

The  hostess  cannot  leave  her  position  to  dance, 
but  her  daughters  may  do  so  during  the  latter  part 
of  the  afternoon. 

OTHER  ENTERTAINMENTS. 

If  there  are  entertainments,  such  as  readings, 
musicales,  etc.,  the  word  indicating  the  same  may 
be  engraved  or  written  on  the  card.  For  a musi- 
cale,  the  invitation  reads  ‘Trom  three  to  six 
o’clock.”  The  music  is  expected  to  begin  at  four. 

INTRODUCTIONS. 

A hostess  rarely  introduces  people  at  a large  re- 
ception, unless  requested  to  do  so,  partly  because 
she  is  occupied  with  receiving  her  guests  and  partly 
because  it  is  not  fashionable.  Introductions  are 


158 


AT  HOME  MATINEES,  ETC. 


seldom  expected  or  asked  for  in  crowded  gather- 
ings, except  when  gentlemen  wish  to  ask  ladies  for 
a dance.  However,  guests  may  introduce  each 
other — not  holding  the  hostess  responsible  for  the 
acquaintance — or  they  may  converse  without  that 
formality.  It  is,  of  course,  understood  that  the  ac- 
quaintance does  not  extend  beyond  the  evening, 
unless  mutually  desired. 

TAKING  LEAVE. 

Ceremonious  leave-taking  is  not  expected  from 
departing  guests,  especially  if  the  “party”  is  very 
large,  or  while  the  parlors  are  yet  well  filled.  It  is 
a kindness  to  the  hostess  to  omit  it. 

AFTER  CALLS  AND  REGRETS. 

After  a grand  and  elaborate  reception,  after-calls 
must  be  made;  this  is  as  obligatory  as  a call  after 
an  invitation  to  dine.  But  after  an  informal  one,  a 
tea  or  koffee  klatch,,  calls  are  not  expected. 

Cards  of  those  who  are  unable  to  be  present  are 
sent  in  upon  the  day  of  the  reception.  They  are 
left  in  the  hall  in  care  of  the  attendant.  If  a series 
of  receptions  are  given  and  none  are  attended,  the 
card  is  sent  into  the  last  one,  or  cards  may  be  sent 
into  each  one. 

At  an  informal  afternoon  when  after-calls  are  not 
expected,  each  guest  leaves  a card  in  the  hall,  where 
there  should  be  a tray  or  basket  to  receive  them. 


AT  HOME  MATINEES,  ETC. 


159 


SOIREES. 

The  afternoon  reception,  or  matinee,  has  become 
so  popular  that  it  has  reached  out  into  the  evening 
hours  and  taken  to  itself  the  name  of  soiree.  It 
used  to  be  called  an  ‘'evening  party,”  but  whatever 
we  call  it,  or  them,  the  matinee  and  the  soiree  are 
a blessing  to  those  of  limited  means  and  hospitable 
inclinations. 

If  a lady  have  the  genius  of  a successful  enter- 
tainer, she  need  not  have  a large  house,  nor  an 
unlimited  bank  account  to  make  her  mathiees  or 
soirees  the  most  enjoyable  of  all  social  occasions. 
If  she  have  the  tact  to  gather  beneath  her  roof  such 
guests  as  enjoy  the  higher  entertainment  of  head 
and  heart,  without  banishing  beauty  and  grace,  she 
may  make  her  little  parties  most  brilliant  gather- 
ings. It  has  long,  been  the  fashion  for  people  of 
literary  and  artistic  tastes,  in  the  larger  cities  and 
in  some  smaller  towns,  to  gather  “social  inspira- 
tion” at  the  homes  of  friends  of  similar  tastes, 
where  the  evening  is  spent  in  conversation,  reading 
and  music,  with  a light  material  repast  to  add  to 
the  hospitalities  of  the  occasion. 

The  ordinary  soiree  or  evening  party  includes 
dancing  usually,  and  the  word  is  engraved  upon  the 
invitation.  But  dancing  is  not  supposed  to  be  the 
“reason  of  the  being”  of  an  evening  party.  The 
hour  for  commencing  is  from  half-past  eight  to  half- 
past nine,  and  is  mentioned  on  the  invitation  card, 


l6o  AT  HOME  MATINEES,  ETC. 

which  is  sent  out  from  ten  to  fifteen  days  before 
the  appointed  evening,  in  one  envelope. 

GLOVES  AND  BONNETS. 

At  a matinee  ladies  wear  their  gloves  and  bon- 
nets. At  a soiree  the  bonnets  are  left  in  the  dress- 
ing-room. The  ladies  are  prettily  dressed,  but  not 
in  full  costume.  Gentlemen  are  in  evening  dress. 
Since  the  Prince  of  Wales  set  the  fashion  gloves 
are  not  worn  by  gentlemen  in  private  houses,  except 
while  dancing. 


CHAPTER  XII 

ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES. 

INVITATIONS. 

ANCING  and  a substantial  supper  constitute 
a ball.  Invitations  are  sent  out  in  two  en- 
velopes, from  ten  to  twenty  days  in  advance  of 
the  appointed  evening  and  read  thus: 

Mrs.  John  Allyn 

requests  the  pleasure  of  your  company 
071  Wednesday  eveitiicg,  September  loth, 
at  half  past  nine  o'clock. 

Dancing.  46  Park  Street. 

There  is  another  style  of  card  that  does  not  have 
dancing  engraved  upon  it,  because  some  who  are 
invited  may  not  wish  to  dance  and  yet  would  feel 
slighted  if  omitted,  so  a small  card  with 
Daiicing, 

engraved  upon  it,  is  enclosed  with  the  notes  to  such 
as  do  not  object  to  dancing. 

Another  style  is: 

Mrs.  John  Allyn 
At  home 

Wednesday  evening  Septcniher,  loth, 
at  nine  o'clock. 

Cotillon  at  ten.  46  Park  Street. 

R.  s.  V.  p. 

(161') 


1 62  ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES. 

This  hour  intimates  that  those  who  desire  can 
leave  before  the  dancing  begins,  and  is  oftener  sent 
as  an  invitation  to  a party  than  a ball. 

Still  another  may  be  as  follows: 

Mrs.  John  Allyn 

requests  the  pleasure  of  the  conipa?iy  of 
Mr,  and  Mrs.  Morgan  Bates 
on  Wednesday  evening,  September  loth, 
at  half  past  nine  o'  clock. 

Dancing.  46  Park  Street. 

In  New  York,  where  young  ladies  are  introduced 
to  society  by  means  of  a ball  at  Delmonico’s,  the 
invitation  is  issued  in  the  name  of  both  host  and 
hostess  and  ‘‘Delmonico’s'’  engraved  on  the  lower 
left  corner..  The  card  of  the  young  lady  is  some- 
times enclosed. 

These  invitations  must  of  course  be  accepted  or 
declined  within  two  or  three  days.  The  form  of 
acceptance  or  regret  to  an  invitation  to  a ball  is 
written  in  the  names  of  those  receiving  the  card, 
as: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Morgan  Bates 
accept  with  pleasure 
Mrs.  John  Allyn's 

kind  invitatio7i  for  Wednesday  evenings  Sept.  loth. 
September  ist.  20  Clarkson  Street. 

If  not  accepted  the  form  may  be, 


ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES.  1 63 

Mr-  and  Mrs.  Morgan  Bates 
decline  with  sincere  regret 
Mrs,  John  Allyd s 
kind  invitation,  etc. 

If  invitations  are  sent  to  new  acquaintances  ,or  to 
strangers  in  town,  the  card  of  the  gentleman  is 
enclosed  to  gentlemen,  that  of  both  the  gentleman 
and  his  wife  to  ladies  and  gentlemen,  if  it  is  a first 
invitation. 

TOILET  FOR  BALLS. 

A dinner  calls  for  handsome  dress;  a ball  de- 
mands the  fullest  of  toilets  which  the  season  admits. 
Young  ladies  of  slender  figure,  wear  light,  thin 
dresses.  Chaperons  wear  heavy  velvet  and  brocade. 
Jewelry  is  worn,  and  bouquets  hung  by  different 
colored  ribbons  on  the  arm,  are  a necessary  adjunct 
to  the  full  toilette.  Gentlemen  should  wear  even- 
ing dress. 

THE  BALL-ROOM. 

Where  there  is  no  ball-room  in  therhouse  and  the 
drawing-room  is  used  for  dancing,  a linen  cloth  is 
sometimes  stretched  over  the  carpet,  or  the  carpet 
is  sometimes  taken  up.  The  furniture  is  removed 
from  the  room.  Cut  and  growing  flowers — as  many 
as  the  hostess  chooses — are  arranged  wherever  space 
and  fine  effect  admit. 


I 64  ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES. 

THE  SUPPER-ROOM. 

The  supper-room  is  usually  opened  at  twelve  or 
half-past  twelve  o’clock — sometimes  as  late  as  one — 
but  generally  there  is  a tea-room  open  during  the 
entire  evening,  where  tea,  boullion,  coffee,  chocolate, 
lemonade  and  sandwiches  or  some  other  light  refesh- 
ment  can  be  obtained  by  such  of  the  guests  as  do 
not  wish  a heavy  supper. 

A SMOKING-ROOM 

either  up  stairs  or  down  is  sometimes  set  apart  for 
gentlemen.  Where  there  is  no  special  room  for  the 
purpose,  gentlemen  should  refrain  from  smoking. 

WALTZING  AND  SQUARE  DANCES 

occupy  the  time  until  supper.  After  supper  the 
German  is  danced.  A program,  with  the  order  of 
its  dances  is  engraved  or  printed  and  should  be  sent 
out  with  the  invitations  to  the  ball. 

AWNING  AND  CARPET. 

An  awning  to  protect  the  guests  from  the  weather 
and  a carpet  to  tread  upon,  should  be  placed  at  the 
front  entrance  of  a house — between  the  carriage 
and  the  door — wherever  ladies  in  full  dress  are  ex- 
pected. 

ARRIVAL  OF  GUESTS. 

A man  stands  ready  to  open  the  carriage  door, 
numbers  the  carriage  in  the  order  of  its  arrival  and 


ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES.  165 

gives  the  number,  printed  on  a card,  to  the  guest, 
and  a duplicate  card  with  number  to  the  coachman, 
so  that  when  wanted  the  carriage  can  be  secured  by 
the  number  instead  of  calling  out  the  name. 

Another  servant  opens  the  vestibule  or  hall  door 
and  directs  the  guests  to  their  respective  dressing- 
rooms. 

A wife  enters  a drawing-room  on  the  husband’s 
right,  if  she  lean  upon  his  arm,  otherwise  she 
enters  a step  or  two  in  advance  of  him.  If  a gen- 
tleman is  accompanied  by  more  than  one  lady,  the 
eldest  precedes  the  group,  or  takes  the  gentleman’s 
right  arm. 

Afier  a gentleman  has  greeted  his  hostess  and 
those  receiving  with  her,  he  should  find  the  host,  and, 
if  not  acquainted  with  him,  have  himself  presented. 
“ Dancing  men,”  who  are  strangers  to  the  host, 
sometimes  receive  invitations  through  friends  who 
vouch  for  their  respectability. 

After  the  usual  greetings,  guests  move  on,  walk 
about  to  find  friends  or  wait  till  the  younger  ones 
have  partners  for  dancing,  when  the  time  until  sup- 
per is  passed  in  conversation. 

GENTLEMEN  WITHOUT  PARTNERS 

ask  the  hostess  to  present  them  to  ladies  who 
will  dance  with  them.  The  hostess  usually  dele- 
gates this  duty  to  her  assistants,  as  she  cannot 
leave  her  place  while  receiving — which  is,  during 


1 66  ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES. 

the  entire  evening,  as  guests  come  to  a ball  at  all 
hours. 

INVITING  A YOUNG  LADY  TO  DANCE. 

Where  chaperonage  is  the  custom — as  it  is  in  all 
European  countries,  and  in  the  best  society  in  east- 
ern cities  here,  and  is  becoming  more  common  in 
western  cities  and  towns — a young  lady  accepts  an 
invitation  to  dance,  through  her  chaperon.  After 
a dance  is  finished,  the  gentleman  returns  her  to 
the  lady  who  has  charge  of  her,  and  may  linger 
there  to  converse  with  her.  However  they  usually 
walk  around  the  room  once  before  returning  to  the 
chaperon. 

SUPPER. 

Sometimes  supper  is  served  during  the  entire 
evening,  but  when  it  is  not,  the  hostess  gives  the 
signal  when  the  proper  time  arrives  for  supper,  and 
the  host  leads  the  way  to  the  supper-room  with  the 
most  distinguished  lady — -it  riiay  be  an  elderly  lady, 
a stranger  or  a bride — the  hostess  following  with 
the  gentleman  who  takes  her  to  supper.  However 
it  is  customary  with  the  majority  of  hostesses  not 
to  go  in  until  every  one  is  served,  in  order  that  they 
may  look  to  the  comfort  and  happiness  of  all  their 
guests. 

A young  lady,  accompanied  by  her  chaperon, 
goes  to  supper  with  the  gentleman  with  whom  she 
has  lait  been  dancing,  if  he  is  at  liberty  to  offer  his 


ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES.  167 

, services  to  them.  Of  course  he  must  first  see  that 
the  lady  or  ladies  w^hom  he  accom.panied  to  the  ball 
are  properly  attended.  A lady  cannot  refuse  the 
offer  of  a gentleman’ s arm  to  supper  in  company 
with  her  m.other  or  lady  friend,  even  if  he  did  not 
accompany  tliem  to  the  ball. 

A gentleman  should  never  go  in  to  supper  alone, 
unless  he  has  seen  every  lady  enter  before  him. 
When  ladies  are  left  unattended,  it  is  proper  for  a 
gentleman,  even  though  a stranger  to  them,  to  offer 
his  services  in  waiting  upon  them.  The  “roof  in- 
troduction” is  all  that  is  necessary,  under  the  cir- 
cumstances. 

A gentleman  should  see  that  the  lady  or  ladies 
whom  he  escorts  are  properly  waited  upon.  The 
lady  must  receive  attention  only  from  him  or  a ser- 
vant, unless  offered  by  some  member  of  the  host’s 
family. 

DAUGHTERS  OF  THE  HOSTESS. 

The  young  gentlemen  should  first  invite  the 
daughters  of  the  house  to  dance,  and  next  the  rela- 
tives and  near  friends. 

Young  men  should  see  that  ladies  who  are  unat- 
tended by  gentlemen  are  not  neglected.  It  is  quite 
proper  for  a young  man  to  speak  to  a lady  older 
than  himself,  even  without  an  introduction.  He 
should  offer  his  services  in  taking  her  to  the  supper- 
room  or  calling  her  carriage,  or  in  any  little  atten- 
tion that  civility  demands. 


1 68  ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES, 
CHAPERONS. 

On  the  subject  of  chaperons,  Mrs.  Sherwood’s 
ideas  agree  so  entirely  with  our  own  that  we  quote 
from  her  the  following:  “It  is  not  wise  for  young 

ladies  to  join  in  every  dance,  nor  should  a young- 
chaperon  dance,  leaving  her  protege  sitting.  The 
very  bad  American  custom  of  sending  several  young 
girls  to  a ball  with  a very  young  chaperon — per- 
haps one  of  their  own  number  who  has  just  been 
married — has  led  to  great  vulgarity  in  our  American 
city  life,  not  to  say  to  that  general  misapprehen- 
sion of  foreigners,  which  offends  without  correcting 
our  national  vanity.  A mother  should  endeavor  to 
attend  balls  with  her  daughters,  and  stay  as  long 
as  they  do.  But  many  mothers  say:  “We  are  not 
invited,  there  is  not  room  for  us.”  Then  her 
daughters  should  not  accept.  It  is  a very  poor 
American  custom  not  to  invite  the  mothers.  Let 
a lady  give  two  or  three  balls,  if  her  list  is  so  large 
that  she  can  only  invite  the  daughters.  If  it  be  ab- 
solutely necessary  to  limit  the  invitations,  the 
father  should  go  with  the  daughters,  for  who  else  is 
to  escort  them  to  their  carriage,  take  care  of  them 
if  they  faint,  or  look  to  their  special  or  accidental 
waiits^.^  The  fact  that  a few  established  old  veter- 
ans of  society  insist  upon  “lagging  superflous  on 
the  stage,”  should  not  deter  ladies  who  entertain 
from  being  true  to  the  ideas  of  the  best  society, 
which  certainly  are  in  favor  of  chaperonage.  ” 


ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES.  1 69 
SOME  GENERAL  RULES  FOR  THE  BALL-ROOM. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  take  leave  of  your  hostess 
at  a ball,  unless  it  is  a first  invitation,  in  that  case,, 
thank  her  for  the  entertainment. 

Never  forget  ball-room  engagements.  Do  not 
confuse  them.  Don’t  promise  the  same  dance  to 
two  gentlemen. 

If  a young  lady  refuse  to  dance  with  one  gentle- 
man she  must  not  dance  with  another. 

At  the  end  of  a quadrille,  the  gentleman  offers 
the  lady  with  whom  he  has  been  dancing,  his  right 
arm  and  walks  around  the  room  once  with  her,  be^ 
fore  seating  her  or  returning  her  to  her  chaperon. 
He  need  not  remain  beside  her  unless  he  wish  to 
do  so.  Where  chaperonage  is  not  the  custom,  he 
leaves  her  with  any  lady  whom  she  knows,  old  or 
young. 

Always  wear  gloves  in  a ball-room.  Take  them 
off  at  supper,  but  put  them  on  again  before  you  re- 
turn to  the  danoing-room.  Some  persons  carry  an 
extra  pair  with  them  to  use  in  case  of  accident. 

If  a lady  has  forgotten  an  engagement  to  dance, 
she  should  apologize.  The  gentleman  will,  of 
course,  accept  the  apology. 

Married  men  never  dance  with  their  wives,  but 
we  see  no  good  reason  why  they  should  not  if  they 
desire  to  show  them  that  attention. 

A son  of  the  hostess  must  not  devote  himself 


\yO  ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES. 

during  the  entire  evening  to  one  lady  or  to  a favored 
few.  It  is  ill-bred  to  do  so.  You  should  show 
equal  attention  to  all  ladies. 

If  a gentleman  is  introduced  to  a lady  solely  for 
the  purpose  of  dancing,  he  cannot  ask  her  for  more 
than  two  dances  the  same  evening.  Upon  their 
next  meeting  after  an  introduction  of  this  character, 
the  gentleman  must  wait  for  the  lady  to  bow  first. 
She  may  not  desire  to  keep  up  the  acquaintance. 

While  the  polite  hostess  has  eyes,  ears  and 
thoughts  only  for  her  guests,  and  does  everything 
in  her  power  to  promote  their  enjoyment,  every 
guest  should  see  that  her  efforts  are  supplemented 
by  his  own. 

Everything  must  be  quiet  and  harmonious. 

It  is  not  necessary  for  a gentleman  to  remain  by 
the  side  of  a young  lady  until  relieved  by  some  one 
else.  It  is  polite  to  move  from  one  to  another, 
and  to  see  that  all  have  equal  attention.  Wall- 
flowers should  receive  attention  out  of  politeness 
to  the  hostess,  if  not  from  consideration  of  their 
own  happiness. 

Gentlemen  should  not  assemble  around  the  doors 
and  “look  on,”  nor  “retire  into  a corner  to  carry 
on  a flirtation.”  You  go  to  a ball  to  dance  not  to 
flirt  or  to  shirk  if  you  are  needed  in  a set;  or  if  a 
lady  desire  to  dance  and  have  no  partner  you  should 
offer  your  services  to  the  hostess,  who  will  see  that 
you  are  introduced. 


ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES.  I / I 

A young  lady  should  not  accept  invitations  for 
every  dance.  She  may  give  her  reason  for  refusing 
— that  she  is  fatigued  or  does  not  wish  to  dance — 
and  no  gentleman  will  feel  hurt  by  her  refusal.  Of 
course  she  must  not  accept  another  invitation  for 
the  same  dance. 

A gentleman  will  not  try  to  step  across  a lady’s 
train,  but  will  walk  around  it.  If  by  any  accident 
he  should  tread  upon  it  or  tear  it,  he  will  offer  to 
escort  her  to  the  dressing-room. 

Do  not  join  in  a dance  if  you  are  ignorant  of  its 
figures.  If  you  desire  to  learn  it  seek  the  aid  of  a 
dancing  master,  but  do  not  interrupt  the  pleasure 
of  the  set  by  your  ignorance  or  awkwardness. 

Do  not  take  steps  in  a quadrille,  but  walk  through 
it  easily  and  gracefully.  Avoid  seeming  familiarity 
in  swinging  a lady.  Everybody  dances  the  quad- 
rille and  it  is  permissible  to  talk  to  your  partner, 
but  don’t  be  loud  or  boisterous. 

If  a gentleman  is  not  acquainted  with  the  host, 
he  has  himself  introduced.  If  he  is  unacquainted 
with  any  members  of  the  family,  after  speaking  to 
the  host  and  hostess,  he  asks  some  common  friend 
to  introduce  him  to  those  he  does  not  know. 

After-calls  must  be  made  within  a week,  whether 
the  invitation  was  accepted  or  not.  If  the  lady  have 
a reception  day  the  call  should  be  made  upon  that 
day.  Ladies  who  have  no  day  sometimes  give  one 
or  more  receptions  after  a ball — inclosing  their 


1/2  ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES. 


cards  in  each  invitation  to  the  ball — in  order  that 
the  after-calls  may  be  made  on  that  day. 

An  authority  says:  “The  requisites  for  an  agree- 

able ball  are  a well-bred  hostess,  good  ventilation, 
good  music,  a good  supper,  guests  who  know  their 
duties,  and  not  too  large  a number  of  them.” 

The  rules  for  a private  ball  apply  also  to  a public 
ball. 

At  public  balls  there  are  managers,  ushers,  stew- 
ards, etc.,  and  there  ought  to  be  a committee  of  la- 
dies or  a recognized  hostess  to  receive. 

You  usually  have  your  own  party  with  whom  you 
dance  at  a public  ball,  otherwise  it  would  not  be 
enjoyable. 

THE  GERMAN, 

where  it  is  danced,  ends  the  ball.  It  is  the  most 
fashionable  dance  of  society,  but  is  danced  only  at 
private  and  not  at  public  balls.  The  leader  must 
be  perfectly  familiar  with  all  the  figures.  The 
leader  is  chosen  beforehand  by  the  hostess.  A lady 
cannot  refuse  to  dance  with  any  gentleman  brought 
to  her.  To  give  variety  and  increase  the  interest 
favors  are  given,  usually  inexpensive  but  tasteful. 

PARTIES. 

The  evening  party  always  includes  dancing,  and 
yet  the  word  dancuig  is  engraved  on  the  corner  of 
the  invitation,  and  also  the  hour  of  its  commencing. 


ETIQUETTE  OF  BALLS  AND  PARTIES. 

The  hour  for  a party  is  earlier  than  for  a ball, 
being  nine  to  half-past  nine. 

Invitations  for  balls  and  parties  are  sent  by  post. 
The  card  is  issued  ten  or  fifteen  days  prior  to  the 
appointed  evening. 

The  hostess  sends  out  her  invitations  for  a party 
as  for  a ball,  after  calling  by  card  or  in  person  upon 
all  the  proposed  guests  to  whom  she  is  socially  in- 
debted. 

The  invitations  to  a party  are  issued  in  the  name 
of  both  host  and  hostess. 

At  a party,  dancing  seldom  begins  until  after  sup- 
per. Conversation,  music,  etc.,  occupy  the  earlier 
part  of  the  evening.  All  departures  are  made  by 
one  o’clock  at  the  latest. 


CHAPTER  Xm. 


CHAPERONS. 

S a rule  it  is  better  to  conform  to  the  usages 
of  the  place  you  are  in,  but  there  is  at  least 
one  custom  which  a few  brave  women  defy 
and  which  they  should  continue  to  disregard,  and 
that  is,  the  almost  universal  practice  in  small 
towns  and  western  cities,  of  allowing  the  daughters 
to  receive  visits  from  young  men  alone  ; to  drive 
and  walk  with  them  without  the  presence  of  a third 
person,  which  the  young  people  consider  an  im- 
pertinence. 

Of  course  they  are  called  “queer,’’  but  their 
courage  in  doing  what  to  them  seems  right,  cannot 
fail  eventually  to  have  its  influence  upon  the  com- 
munity in  which  they  live.  They  are  misundei*- 
stood  and  feared  by  some  young  men,  yet  the  best 
men,  though  the  custom  of  chaperonage  is  an  in- 
novation, respect  both  mothers  and  daughters  and 
feel  it  an  honor  to  be  permitted  to  pay  attentions 
to  these  guarded  treasures. 

Even  in  our  eastern  cities,  the  custom  has  be- 
come general  in  the  best  society  only  within  a few 
years.  There  have  always  been  some  families  in 
every  refined  circle  which  have  believed  in  and  to  a 

(174) 


CHAPERONS. 


175 


certain  degree  practiced  a sort  of  chaperonage,  but 
they  have  been  held  to  be  eccentric,  and  even  cruel 
by  the  ‘'Young  American”  who  felt  his  self-respect 
wounded,  because  he  took  this — to  him  “espionage” 
— to  mean  a lack  of  confidence  in  the  integrity  of 
his  intentions. 

Our  young  people  have  been  brought  up  to 
believe  in  themselves ; to  respect  themselves  too 
much  to  abuse  the  confidence  reposed  in  them,  or 
to  violate  the  proprieties  exacted  by  good-breeding. 
But  the  self-reliance  taught  them  and  assumed  by 
them,  has  for  some  reason — possibly  the  want  of 
a little  wholesome  restraint — unconsciously  grown 
into  a lack  of  reverence  for  age  ; an  impatience  of 
parental  restraint  or  authority,  and  a seeming 
desire  to  put  parents  and  older  persons  in  the  back- 
ground, especially  in  social  matters.  Parents  are 
themselves  to  blame  in  this,  for  without  their 
acquiescence,  such  state  of  things  could  not  be. 

What  influence  the  political  freedom,  which 
makes  every  man  in  America  a lord,  and  to  which 
the  “conglomerate”  made  up  of  all  nationalities  is 
• hardly  yet  acclimatized,  has  had  and  is  having 
upon  our  manners,  will  not  be  discussed  here,  but 
that  “independence”  is  the  ruling  idea,  is  seen  in 
the  disregard  of  “rules”  which  is  practiced  by  so 
many  of  our  people. 

In  Europe  every  young  unmarried  woman  has  a 
chaperon;  it  is  an  absolute  necessity.  If  she  have 


ij6 


CHAPERONS. 


a mother,  of  course  the  mother  is  the  natural 
chaperon  and  understands  her  duties.  If  she  is 
motherless,  the  first  duty  of  the  father  is  to  provide 
a chaperon,  either  a relative,  or  some  other  lady. 
Sometimes  well  born  women  in  reduced  circum- 
stances can  be  hired  to  assume  this  position. 

While  here  the  Spanish  duennas  are  held  up  to 
ridicule,  and  pointed  at  as  the  representative 
European  chaperon,  in  Europe  we  are  laughed  at 
for  allowing  our  daughters  to  go  to  parties  and 
theatres  with  young  men  alone.  “There  is  no 
civilized  country  where  so  much  license  is  permitted 
in  the  intercourse  of  young  men  and  women  as  in 
the  United  States.” 

This  is  the  criticism  made  by  all  foreigners  travel- 
ing or  visiting  in  the  United  States,  and  from  this 
stand-point,  many  judge  us. 

That  excellent  authority,  “Social  Etiquette  of 
New  York,”  says  : “To  the  foreigner  the  guarding 
of  young  womanhood  from  a too  familiar  acquaint- 
ance with  what  is  called  ‘a  man  of  the  world’  is  a 
mark  of  tender  respect  for  her.  The  European 
venerates  this  young  woman  because  her  family 
treasures  her,  and  because  he  does  not  know  how 
to  respect  those  who  are  less  carefully  sheltered. 
This  is  his  misfortune  and  it  has  added  another 
burden  to  our  own  social  life.  However,  it  cannot 
be  evaded  while  we  intermingle  so  generally  with 
foreigners  and  our  own  people  intermarry  with 


CHAPERONS. 


177 


them.  We  are  compelled  to  submit  to  the  con- 
sequences of  their  inherited  prejudices,  because 
they  cannot  escape  them,  and  doubtless  would  not 
if  they  could.  And  yet  we  would  like  them  to 
understand  that  it  is  not  because  we  suspect  our 
women  of  foolishness,  or  that  the  young  women  of 
our  republic  lack  in  self-reverence  or  a mental 
capacity  that  is  sufficient  for  a quick  defense  of  a 
moral  principle  or  a social  propriety,  or  that  we 
have  not  a complete  confidence  in  the  fine  moral 
sense  and  chivalric  honor  of  all  true  American  men, 
that  a guardian  has  been  placed  over  our  young 
sisters.  It  is  to  protect  them  only  from  the  dis- 
respect of  those  foreign  born  men,  yes,  and  women 
too,  who  believe  in  inherited  distinctions  and  class 
privileges,  and  who  also  have  a conviction  that  by 
nature  all  youthful  women  require  protection  to 
guard  them  from  falling  victims  to  their  own  indis- 
cretions of  speech  and  manners,  and  also  to  the 
frivolous  influences  of  the  other  sex.  Of  course 
foreigners  cannot  avoid  bringing  over  with  them 
their  own  race  prejudices,  and  their  own  inherited 
and  cultivated  family  peculiarities  which  they 
usually  mention  as  ‘their  social  principles’.” 

This  may  be  all  very  well  for  the  sea-board 
towns,  but  why  we,  who  claim  to  have  our  own 
fashions  in  etiquette,  copied  though  many  of  them 
are  from  the  older  civilizations,  should  do  certain 
things  merely  to  protect  ourselves  from  foreigners 


178 


CHAPERONS. 


and  their  opinion  of  us,  we  cannot  understand. 
We  claim  to  be  an  independent  nation  and  we 
should  do  what  is  best  for  us  for  the  sake  of  right- 
ness. We  believe  in  chaperonage  because  it  is 
right.  We  believe  in  it  for  the  cities  and  towns 
where  there  are  few  foreigners.  There  are  other 
pitfalls  in  a young  lady’s  path.  Much  as  we  be- 
lieve in  our  young  men  and  our  young  women,  the 
former  are  not  always  honorable,  nor  the  latter  al- 
ways wise,  especially  in  speech,  which  young  men 
very  frequently  misinterpret.  “The  soul  of  every 
man,”  says  Mathews,  “is  a mystery  which  no  other 
man  can  fathom;  we  are,  as  one  has  said,  spirits  in 
prison,  able  only  to  make  signals  to  each  other,  but 
with  a world  of  things  to  think  and  say,  which  our 
signals  cannot  describe  at  all.  There  is  hardly  an 
abstract  term  in  any  language  which  conveys  pre- 
cisely the  same  meaning  to  two  different  minds; 
every  word  is  sure  to  awaken  in  one  mind  more  or 
less  different  associations  from  those  it  awakens  in 
another.  Words  mean  the  same  thing  only  to  per- 
sons who  are  psychologically  the  same  and  who 
have  had  the  same  experiences.” 

An  inexperienced  and  vivacious  young  lady,  no 
matter  how  well  she  has  been  reared,  is  sometimes, 
if  left  unrestrained,  innocently  guilty  of  indiscre- 
tions— if  the  expression  is  permissible.  We  believe 
with  Mrs.  Sherwood  that,  “ this  business  of  chape- 
ronage is  a point  which  demands  attention  on  the 


CHAPERONS. 


179 


part  of  careless  American  mothers.  No  mother 
should  be  oblivious  of  her  duty  in  this  respect.  It 
does  not  imply  that  she  doubts  her  daughter’s 
honor  or  truth,  or  that  she  thinks  she  needs  watch- 
ing but  it  is  proper  and  respectable  and  necessary 
that  she  should  appear  by  her  daughter’s  side  in 
society.  The  world  is  full  of  traps.  It  is  impossi- 
ble to  be  too  careful  of  the  reputation  of  a young 
lady,  and  it  improves  the  tone  of  society  vastly  if 
an  elegant  and  respectable  woman  of  middle  age 
accompanies  every  young  party.  It  goes  far  to  si- 
lence the  ceaseless  clatter  of  gossip;  it  is  the  anti- 
dote to  scandal;  it  makes  the  air  clearer,  and,  above 
all,  it  improves  the  character,  the  manners,  and 
elevates  the  minds  of  these  young  people  who  are  so 
happy  as  to  enjoy  the  society  and  to  feel  the 
authority  of  a cultivated,  wise  and  good  chaperon.” 

Chaperons  are  not  all  wise  and  good  but  they 
should  be.  A widower,  with  daughters,  might 
sometimes  prevent  scandal  and  trouble  by  placing 
an  intelligent  chaperon  at  the  head  of  his  house  in- 
stead of  his  inexperienced  daughters.  In  England 
the  unmarried  daughters  of  a widower,  have  always 
the  companionship  of  a chaperon. 

Where  chaperonage  is  customary  —and  it  ought 
to  be  everywhere — a young  gentleman  asks  permis- 
sion of  the  mother  or  chaperon  to  invite  her  charge 
to  dance,  to  promenade  or  to  go  to  supper. 

He  also  asks  her  permission  to  invite  the  young 


i8o 


CHAPERONS. 


lady  to  a theatre  or  other  place  of  amusement,  ex- 
tending the  invitation  also  to  the  chaperon.  If  she 
accept  for  the  daughter  but  cannot  for  any  reason, 
accept  for  herself,  she  will  ask  permission  to  dele- 
gate some  one  else.  If  a gentleman  give  a small 
theatre  party,  say  of  four  or  six,  one  chaperon  is 
sufficient,  but  if  the  party  is  larger,  it  is  etiquette  to 
have  two. 

The  host  calls  first — in  an  omnibus  if  he  choose 
— for  the  chaperon,  which  may  be  his  mother  or 
married  sister  or  some  other  married  lady,  and  they 
gather  the  guests.  Or  the  chaperon  may  take  the 
young  ladies  in  her  own  carriage  and  meet  the 
gentlemen  of  the  party  at  the  place  of  amusement. 
Or  he  may  send  carriages  for  the  ladies — providing 
a chaperon  for  each  four.  The  arrangements  are, 
of  course,  settled  beforehand. 

If  a bachelor  give  a dinner,  supper  or  tea  at  his 
apartments  or  in  a private  room  at  a restaurant,  he 
must  have  one  of  his  married  kinswomen  to  preside 
as  hostess,  or,  if  that  is  not  possible,  he  may  have 
one  or  two  other  married  ladies  who  are  friends  of 
his  guests. 

The  duties  of  a chaperon  are  b}^  no  means  light, 
and  are  sometimes  very  unpleasant.  She  and  her 
charge,  in  any  case  are  a burden  upon  each  other. 
The  former  must  accompany  the  latter  everywhere. 
She  must  be  with  her  when  she  receives  gentlemen 
visitors  in  the  parlor,  and  must  guard  her  from  a 


CHAPERONS. 


I8l 


possible  bad  marriage  by  admitting  to  her  presence 
only  good  men,  so  far  as  she  is  able  to  judge. 

It  is  her  duty  to  see  that  the  young  lady  is  pro- 
vided with  a partner  for  the  German;  that  she  is  not 
left  a wall-dower  at  the  ball;  that  she  goes  to 
places  where  she  will  be  instructed  as  well  as  en- 
tertained— to  picture-galleries,  etc. 

A wise,  well-bred  chaperon  can  add  much  to  the 
happiness  of  a young  girl,  and  the  young  girl,  if  con- 
siderate, will  do  all  in  her  power  to  lighten  the  bur- 
dens of  her  protector. 

In  entering  a drawing-room,  the  chaperon  enters 
with  her  charge  at  her  left,  and  slightly  in  advance 
of  her.  After  the  usual  greetings  with  the  hostess, 
the  3^oung  lady  is  presented  and  they  move  on 
together. 

It  is  ‘etiquette’  to  have  a chaperon,  and  it  is 
the  greatest  violation  of  it  not  to  have  one. 

“If  a woman  is  protected  by  the  armor  of  work, 
she  can  dispense  with  a chaperon.  The  young 
artist  goes  about  her-copying  unquestioned,  but  in 
society,  v/ith^its^^fferent  laws,  she  must  be  under 
the  care  of  an  older  woman  than  herself.” 


CHAPTER  XIV. 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY. 


fer^HE  time  for  a young  lady’s  first  appearance 
|l  in  society  is  usually  from  seventeen  to  twenty. 

The  time  may,  for  reasons,  be  postponed  even 
longer.  The  mother  decides  when  her  daughter 
shall  make  the  transition  from  girlhood  to  young 
ladyhood,  and  invites  friends  to  her  house  that  she 
may  present  this  daughter  to  them  as  a member  of 
their  circle. 

Prior  to  this  time,  at  least  in  the  best  society 
of  large  cities,  the  young  lady  never  goes  to  par- 
ties (e.xcept  children’s  parties,  which  have  been 
spoken  of  elsewhere),  and  is  not  even  present  at 
any  entertainment  at  her  fathers  residence,  unless 
we  except  weddings,  christenings  and  birthday  anni- 
versaries. ' 

This  ceremony  is  supposed  to  indicate  that  the 
young  lady  has  finished  her  ordinary  so-called  edu- 
cation, and  is  now  ready  to  assume  the  duties  and 
responsibilities  of  a member  of  society.  She  may 
now  receive  the  homage  of  gentlemen  if  she  desire 
their  attentions. 

Just  previous  to  the  debut  her  mother  and  elder 

unmarried  sisters — if  she  have  anv — pay  visits,  or 

(182) 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY.  1 83 

at  least  leave  their  own  with  their  father’s  and 
brothers’  cards,  upon  the  acquaintances  whom  they 
intend  to  invite  to  be  present.  After  this  formality 
and  about  ten  or  fifteen  days  previous  to  the  event, 
engraved  invitations  are  issued.  All  the  invitations 
directed  to  one  family  are  inclosed  in  one  outer  en- 
velope. These  invitations  are  directed  as  follows: 
One  to  “Mr.  and  Mrs.  Smith.”  If  there  are  more 
daughters  than  one  their  address  is  the  “ Misses 
Smith.”  Each  son  receives  a separate  invitation. 

The  invitations  should  be  engraved  upon  note 
paper  in  clear,  plain  script. 

The  following  form  of  invitation  is  used: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Aiken 
request  the  pleasure 
of  introducing  their  datighter, 

Marjory, 

to 


on  Tuesday  evening,  February  loth,  at  half  past 
nine  d clock. 

507  Sixth  Avenue. 

Another  style  is  to  enclose  the  young  lady’s  card 
in  an  invitation  to  a dinner,  reception,  party  or 
ball. 

A reply  to  such  an  invitation,  if  for  a dinner, 
must  be  answered  immediately.  If  for  any  other 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY. 


184 

entertainment  it  should  not  be  delayed  beyond 
three  days,  and  ought  not  to  be  delayed  at  all. 

The  form  and  style — which  is  the  same  as  that  of 
the  invitation — should  be  as  follows: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Mortimer  Thompson 
accept  with  pleasure 
Mr,  and  Mrs.  James  Aiken  s 
kind  invitation  for  Tuesday  evening,,  February  loth, 
579  Walnut  St.  January  25. 

Still  another  style  of  debut  is  simply  an  afternoon 
“at  home”  with  the  young  lady’s  card  engraved  be- 
low her  mother’s.  If  she  be  the  eldest  it  is  Miss 
Aiken,  but  if  she  have  elder  unmarried  sisters  it  is 
Miss  Maude  Aiken.  No  reply  is  made  to  these  in- 
vitations, but  cards  must  be  left  in  the  hall  for  the 
young  lady  as  well  as  the  mother,  and  if  the  invi- 
tation is  not  accepted,  cards  must  be  sent  to  both 
mother  and  daughter. 

“When  a reply  is  made  to  an  invitation  sent  to 
a mother  and  one  daughter  the  elder  lady  may  re- 
ply for  both,  but  if  there  is  more  than  one  daughter 
the  reply  commences  thus:  The  Misses  Leacroft, 

etc.  Each  young  gentleman  replies  for  himself.” 

A pretty  way  for  intimate  friends  to  welcome  the 
debutante  into  their  circle  is  to  send  flowers  on  the 
day  of  her  first  appearance. 

The  mother  stands  near  the  entrance  of  the 
drawing-room,  with  the  daughter  next  beyond  her, 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY.  1 85. 

and  if  it  is  an  evening  reception  or  a dinner  the 
father  stands  next  to  her.  After  greeting  each 
guest  the  mother  presents  the  daughter. 

When  dinner  is  announced,  unless  there  is  a 
brother,  the  father  escorts  the  young  lady  to  the 
table,  and  the  mother  follows  last  with  the  most 
honored  gentleman  present.  If  there  is  a brother 
the  father  leads  the  way  with  the  eldest  or  most 
distinguished  lady  of  the  party,  and  the  brother  es- 
corts his  sister  and  places  her  at  her  father’s  left 
hand. 

The  mother  selects  in  advance  the  g^tleman 
who  shall  be  her  daughter’s  partner  in  the  first 
dance,  who  dances  but  once  with  her,  nor  does  any 
other  gentleman  ask  for  more  than  one  dance. 

The  after-calls  following  this  entertainment  in- 
clude the  young  lady,  but  she  has  no  separate  card 
during  her  first  year  in  society,  as  she  makes  no 
formal  calls  alone,  neither  does  she  receive  gentle- 
men callers  without  a chaperon. 

Perhaps  you  are  wondering  how  a young  gentle- 
man enters  society.  I don’t  know;  he  somehow 
slips  in  without  formality. 


13 


CHAPTER  XV/  ‘ 

THE  CONVERSATION  OF  SOCIETY.  " 

^t^HERE  can  be  no  doubt  that  of  all  the  accom- 
plishments prized  in ‘.  modern  society,  that  of 
being  agreeable^  in  conversation  is  the  very 
first.  It  may  be  called  the  social  result  of  Western 
civilization,  beginning  with  the  Greeks.  Whatever 
contem{5l  the  North  American  Indian  or  the  Mo- 
hammedan Tartar  may  feel  for  talking  as  mere 
shatter,  it  is  agreed  among  us.  that  people  must 
meet  frequently,  both  men  and  women,  and  that 
not  only  is  it  agreeable  to  talk,  but  that  it  is  a 
matter  of  courtesy  to  say  something,  even  when 
there  is  hardly  anything  to  say.  Every  civilized 
man  and  woman  feels  or  ought  to  feel  this  duty. 
It  is  the  universal  accomplishment  which  all  must 
practice,  and  as  those  who  fail  signally  to  attain'd 
are  punished  by  the  dislike  or  neglect  of  society,  so 
those  who  succeed  beyond  the  average  receive  a 
just  reward,  not  only  in  the  constant  pleasure  they 
reap  from  it,  but  in  the  esteem  which  they  gain 
from  their  fellows.  'Many  men  and  many  women 
owe  the  whole  of  a great  success  m life  to  this  and 
nothing  else.  An  agreeable  young  woman  will  al- 

(i86) 


THE  CONVERSATION  OF  SOCIETY.  1 99 

merit.  That  the  conscientious  man  weighs  his 
words;  the  boaster  and  enthusiast  employ  the  su- 
perlative degree;  the  cautious  man  utters  but  few 
words,  and  so  on  through  the  list  of  the  character- 
istics of  different  rnen. 

“It  is  an  invariable  maxim,”  says  Campbell, 
“that  words  which  add  nothing  to  the  sense  or  to 
the  clearness  must  diminish  the  force  of  the  ex- 
pression.” 

We  sometimes  hear  an  indiscriminate  use  of  sin- 
gulars and  plurals  in  so-called  good  society,  as: 
“Everybody  should  mind  their  own  business.” 
“Each  member  of  the  Lodge  should  pay  their 
dues.”  “Both  minister  and  magistrate  is  compelled 
to  choose  between  his  duty  and  his  reputation.”  It 
would  take  volumes  to  point  out  all  the  inaccura- 
cies of  the  English  language  in  daily  use,  and  we 
shall  not  attempt  a reformation  in  this  direction, 
but  we  would  say  to  those  who  believe  that  lan- 
guage is  a growing  thing,  and  that  it  is  their  duty  to 
aid  its  expansion  by  adding  new  words  which  they 
consider  “expressive,”  “all  innovations  in  speech, 
every  nev/  term  introduced,  should  harmonize  with 
the  general  principles  of  the  language;”  remember 
this  when  you  are  tempted  to  adopt  into  your  vocab- 
ulary any  of  the  slang  words  or  phrases  of  the  day. 

Slang,  solecisms,  vulgarisms  of  every  kind,  are  op- 
posed to  correctness  of  speech  and  .propriety  of 


manners. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 


DRESS. 


^j  EFINEMENT  of  character  is  never  found 
C with  vulgarity  of  dress.” 

^ Love  of  beauty,  even  when  it  leads  to  the 
desire  of  possessing  it  and  making  some  efforts  after 
such  possession,  is  not  unhealthy,  and  belongs  to  the 
love  of  approbation,  in  the  absence  of  which  society 
would  become  very  angular;  but  unhealthy  love  of 
display  and  desire  to  produce  effect,  no  matter  by 
what  device  and  at  what  cost  of  good  taste  and 
good  sense,  for  the  object  of  attracting  notice,  is  a 
quality  so  ugly  and  vain  that  it  will  destroy  the  true 
power  even  of  the  greatest  beauty,  and  leads  the 
most  civilized  societies  into  monstrous  extravagan- 
cies of  fashion.  — G.  F.  Watts,  in  the  Nineteenth 
Century. 


Be  not  the  first  by  whom  the  new  is  tried. 

Nor  yet  the  last  to  lay  the  old  aside. 

— Pope. 

Dressing  is  a fine  art,  and  as  we  advance  in  civil- 
ization we  pay  more  attention  to  the  study  of  it, 
and  instead  of  following  blindly  Fashion’s  freaks, 
the  wise  woman,  recognizing  her  obligation  to  so- 

(200) 


DRESS. 


201 


ciety  to  make  herself  beautiful,  pauses  and  asks 
herself  the  question:  Will  this  be  becoming  to  me? 
What  are  the  reasons  for  this  change,  or  why  the 
addition  to  or  subtraction  from  the  prevailing  fash- 
ion? Will  it  be  best  for  me  to  adopt  it,  and  can  I af- 
ford it?  But  women  in  America  wise  in  the  matter 
of  dress  are  yet  m the  minority. 

“Clothes  seem  to  go  hand  in  hand  with  man’s 
development  as  a social  being.” 

“Clothes  have  been  knowledge,  influence  and  ex- 
pression, house  and  home  to  the  wearer.” 

Carlyle  likens  the  art  of  dressing  to  that  of  archi- 
tecture, and  says:  “This  Body  and  the  Cloth  are 

the  site  and  materials  whereon  and  whereby  his 
beautiful  edifice  of  a Person  is  to  be  built.” 

We  cannot  choose  the  site  but  we  can  the  ma- 
terial, and  we  can  study  the  effect  of  construction 
in  reference  to  the  site,  but  we  seldom  do  this.  The 
tall  woman  is  likely  to  wear  stripes,  and  without  a 
due  consideration  of  proportion,  the  short  one 
flounces.  A short  woman  piles  things  on  top  of 
her  head  to  make  her  look  tall,  and  a tall  woman 
pastes  her  hair  to  her  head  and  wears  flat  bonnets 
to  make  her  seem  shorter.  This  is  contrary  to  the 
rules  of  architecture  and  of  sculpture.  The  Greeks 
— masters  of  sculpture — took  their  models  from  the 
perfect  human  form.  We  cannot  all  have  perfect 
forms,  but  it  is  possible  to  be  beautiful  without 
14 


202 


DRESS. 


them.  A thing  of  beauty  is  a joy  forever,  and  it  is 
our  duty  as  well  as  privilege  to  be  beautiful.  We 
owe  it  to  our  families,  to  society  and  to  ourselves. 
True  beauty  does  not  consist  of  fine  clothes  but  of 
a symmetrically  developed  being;  developed  physi- 
cally, mentally  and  morally,  and  clothed  with  be- 
coming raiment.  There  are  no  prettier  women 
than  are  found  among  the  Friends,  who  have  the 
true  ideal.  Instead  of  growing  old  and  ugly  they 
grow  spiritually  beautiful — ripen  if  you  please,  and 
they  are  always  well  dressed. 

Beauty  is  mysterious;  we  gaze  on  a thing  of 
beauty  and  are  at  once  captivated.  We  do  not 
stop  to  ask  questions,  but  yield  ourselves  to  the 
enjoyment  of  the  moment,  to  the  gratification  of 
that  esthetic  sense  or  quality  we  call  taste.  To  be 
able  to  produce  this  highest  enjoyment  in  others, 
we  must  be  beautiful  in  spirit  and  manner  and  so 
becomingly  dressed  that  they  will  not  think  of  our 
clothes,  or  if  they  should  think  we  were  well  dressed 
they  could  not  tell  what  we  had  on. 

All  beauty  is  based  on  harmony.  To  be  well 
dressed  is  to  wear  the  right  thing  at  the  right 
time.  One  secret  of  the  effective  dressing  of  the 
French  women,  is  that  they  always  dress  appro- 
priately to  the  time  and  place — in  reference  to  the 
time  of  day  and  the  errand  they  are  upon. 

Dress  should  express  the  character  and  individu- 


DRESS. 


203 


ality  of  the  wearer,  but  not  of  course  at  the  expense 
of  fitness  and  neatness. 

Essential  to  the  refined  lady  is  repose  of  mind 
and  body,  neither  of  which  can  she  have  without 
comfort  and  fitness  of  dress.  An  uncomfortably 
dressed  woman  cannot  look  happy.  A lady  ex- 
pressed the  idea  in  our  hearing  recently.  “ I like 
myself  so  well  in  this  costume.  It  is  so  comfortable 
and  I know  it  looks  lady-like.” 

One  reason  why  fashions  change  so  rapidly  is 
that  everybody  adopts  them;  “every  class  and 
state  ’ ’ of  society  puts  on  the  same  shape  of  gar- 
ment, if  not  constructed  of  the  same  material.  In 
the  Old  World,  servants  do  not  copy  the  dress  of 
the  mistress;  here  they  not  only  copy  them,  but 
instances  have  been  known  where  in  the  absence  of 
the  mistress,  the  maid  actually  wore  her  silk  gown. 

Not  only  do  servants  spend  all  their  hard-earned 
wages  in  finery,  but  the  wife  of  the  clerk  and  of 
the  young  man  just  starting  in  business,  dresses  as 
stylishly  as  does  Madame  Millionaire.  And  not 
only  this,  but  she  wears  her  “best”  to  market,  to 
shop  and  to  church.  There  is  however  improve- 
ment in  this  respect.  All  classes  of  women  read 

and  study  more  than  formerly,  and  the  result  is  a 
broader  and  trper  culture;  a demanding  of  the  why 
and  wherefore  of  certain  customs  and  their  relation 
to  everyday  life. 


204 


DRESS. 


COSMETICS  AND  PAINTS. 

It  is  perhaps  unnecessary  to  say  that  the  use  of 
cosmetics  and  paints  is  not  cleanly  and  is  morever 
very  injurious  to  health.  It  is  said  that  Lady  Cov- 
entry— “the  most  beautiful  of  the  beautiful  Misses 
Gunning,’  died  at  the  age  of  twenty-seven,  a cripple 
and  a great  sufferer,  owing  to  the  use  of  cosmetics. 
We  read  of  many  persons  losing  their  lives  through 
the  use  of  hair  dyes. 

PERFUMES. 

The  excessive  use  of  perfumes  is  vulgar.  Strong 
perfumes  are  very  disagreeable  to  delicate  persons 
and  are  at  any  rate  too  suggestive.  A little  cologne, 
lavender,  or  at  most  new  mown  hay,  are  permissible, 
but  most  persons  agree  with  Henry  Ward  Beecher, 
that,  “the  most  agreeable  smell,  is  no  smell  at  all.” 

EVENING  DRESS FOR  LADIES. 

An  eminent  writer  has  defined  full-dress  as  a cos- 
tume with  very  low  neck,  very  short  sleeves,  and 
a very  long  train.  French  women  often  wear  high 
corsage  with  short  sieves.  English  women  wear 
their  gowns  decollete  even  at  the  family  dinner. 
American  women  follow  their  own  inclination  and 
wear  high  or  low  neck,  or  have  the  dress  cut  square 
in  the  neck.  For  elderly  ladies  the  material  may  be 
silk,  satin,  velvet,  brocade,  etc.,  rich  and  dark  in 
color.  Of  course  full  toilette  varies  with  the  seasons. 


DRESS. 


205 


For  young  ladies,  tulle,  crepe,  tarletan,  any  light 
gossamer  material,  light  in  color,  or  white,  is  most 
becoming  for  a ball  or  evening  party.  A lady’s 
dress  should  be  more  elaborate  for  a ball  than  for  a 
dinner.  She  should  wear  her  best  laces  and  finest 
jewels  at  a ball.  Young  ladies  wear  little  jewelry 
at  any  time. 

FULL-DRESS  FOR  GENTLEMEN. 

Full-dress  for  gentlemen  consists  of  a black  dress 
suit,  the  coat  being  “swallow-tail,”  the  waistcoat 
cut  low,  white  tie,  thin  patent  leather  boots  and 
light  colored  kid  gloves. 

Gentlemen  wear  full-dress  at  dinner  parties,  balls, 
theatres,  operas  or  any  evening  entertainment  that 
demands  full  toilette  of  the  ladies* 

At  weddings  which  take  place  in  the  evening,  the 
bride-groom  and  all  the  gentlemen  wear  full-dress. 

MORNING  DRESS  FOR  GENTLEMEN. 

The  proper  morning  dress  for  gentlemen,  is  dark 
coat  and  vest,  light  trousers. 

‘ ‘At  weddings,  luncheons,  receptions  of  all  kinds, 
matinees,  visits  of  ceremony,  and  indeed  to  any- 
thing that  occurs  in  the  day  time,  a gentleman 
must  wear  a morning  costume,  no  matter  how  grand 
the  toilettes  of  the  ladies.  Fashion  and  etiquette 
demand  it.” 


2o6 


DRESS. 


Morning  dress  is  worn  on  Sunday  evening  and  at 
church. 

DRESS  FOR  GENTLEMEN  UPON  OTHER  OCCASIONS. 

‘'In  the  country,  Knickerbockers  are  fashionable 
day  suits,  and  a gentleman,  if  he  ride  or  walk 
may  pay  a visit  to  familiar  acquaintances  in  such 
attire,  but  if  he  drive,  or  is  visiting  elderly  persons 
or  strangers,”  he  must  wear  a morning  dress.  ^ 

The  dress  suitable  for  riding  is  an  ordinary  walk- 
ing costume.  In  the  country,  boots  and  felt  hats 
may  be  worn. 

For  shooting,  rough  coats,  knickerbockers,  leg- 
gings and  substantial  boots. 

For  lawn-tennis,  croquet  and  archery,  knicker- 
bockers are  worn,. 

GLOVES 

are  worn  in  the  street,  at  a ball,  at  an  evening 
party,  at  the  opera  or  theatre,  at  receptions,  at 
church,  when  calling,  riding  or  driving,  but  not  at 
dinner.  A bride-groom  may  wear  gloves  or  not,  as 
he  pleases. 

COSTUME  FOR  A BALL. 

The  ball  demands  the  fullest  of  toilettes  which  the 
season  admits.  In  this  country,  elderly  women 
need  not  go  in  low  neck,  unless  they  choose  to,  and 
the  dress  of  the  chaperon  may  be  the  same  as  at  a 
dinner — a velvet  or  heavy  silk,  cut  square  in  the 


DRESS. 


207 


neck  and  filled  in  with  fine  beautiful  lace.  Her 
ornaments  should  be  in  keeping  with  the  dress. 
She  may  wear  feathers  or  jewels  in  her  hair.  If  she 
wear  a low-neck  dress,  she  should  throw  a lace 
shawl  or  something  of  the  kind  over  the  neck. 

The  young  girls  should  wear  costumes  of  light, 
thin  material,  in  light  tints  or  white,  and  should 
wear  or  carry  natural  flowers. 

FOR  A DINNER. 

Ladies  go  to  a dinner  in  what  is  considered  full 
costume  for  that  season,  though  the  lighter  materi- 
als worn  at  a ball,  are  thought  to  be  out  of  place 
at  a dinner.  In  England  low  neck  and  short 
sleeves  are  worn  at  dinner. 

The  hostess  should  dress  richly  but  plainly,  that 
she  may  not  eclipse  any  of  her  guests. 

FOR  A BRIDE  AND  BRIDESMAIDS. 

A bride  wears  a white  dress  with  long  train,  long, 
white  veil  and  natural  flowers,  no  matter  at  what 
hour  the  ceremony  is  performed. 

Occasionally  there  is  a bride,  who,  with  her  maids, 
wears  full  dress  at  a morning  wedding;  that  is,  lo\v 
neck  and  short  sleeves;  although  etiquette  demands 
that  the  groom  wear  a morning  costume. 

AT  AN  AFTERNOON  RECEPTION 

the  hostess  is  in  full  dress.  Guests,  both  gentlemen 
and  ladies,  wear  street  toilettes. 


208 


DRESS. 


WALKING  COSTUME. 

To  be  well  dressed,  is  to  wear  the  right  thing  at 
the  right  time.  Walking  dress  should  be  quiet 
in  color,  simple,  substantial  and  “in  perfect  har- 
mony with  itself.”  All  the  colors  should,  at  least, 
harmonize,  but  it  is  better  to  have  all  one  color  and 
shade.  Black  is  becoming  to  every  woman,  but  as 
she  does  not  dress  to  be  seen  when  walking,  it 
would  be  well  to  wear  it,  even  if  she  thought  it  not 
becoming. 

The  costume  may  be  rich  or  plain,  but  must 
never  be  shabby.  The  gown  must  be  short  enough 
to  clear  the  ground,  and  thick,  “sensible”  boots 
must  be  worn. 

“In  the  city  the  walking  dress  should  show  some 
degree  of  richness;”  in  the  country  it  should  be 
tasteful  but  serviceable. 

Bonnet,  gloves  and  shoes  should  be  in  perfect 
taste  and  accord,  of  course,  with  the  rest  of  the 
costume. 

CARRIAGE  DRESS 

may  be  rich  as  one  pleases  or  can  afford.  Says 
Mrs.  Sherwood:  “Light-colored  silks,  sweeping 

trains,  bonnets  very  gay  and  garnished  with  feath- 
ers, lace  parasols  and  light  gloves,  are  fit  for  carri- 
ages at  the  races,  but  they  are  out  of  place  for 
walking  in  the  streets.”  The  carriage  dress  may 


DRESS. 


209 


have  a train  or  be  the  ordinary  walking  length,  and 
the  material  will  vary  with  the  season. 

If  the  lady  drives  herself,  she  should  wear  gloves 
suitable  for  handling  the  reins. 

VISITING  COSTUMES 

are  worn  when  paying  ceremonious  visits,  to  after- 
noon receptions,  etc.,  and  are  of  richer  material 
than  the  ordinary  walking  dress.  Velvet  and  bro- 
cade are  favorite  fabrics,  but  plain  satin  and  black 
silk  are  much  worn. 

FOR  ARCHERY,  CROQUET  AND  LAWN-TENNIS, 

the  players  dress  in  flannel  made  for  the  purpose. 
The  dress  of  the  lady  is  a short  skirt  and  a jersey, 
the  latter  being  indispensible  to  the  free  use  of  the 
arms. 

If  a lawn-party  is  given,  the  hostess  and  her 
daughters  should  receive  on  the  lawn  in  their 
bonnets. 

FOR  YACHTING, 

ladies  wear  flannel  suits  of  navy  blue  or  white,  or 
serge  or  tweed,  with  jaunty  sailor  hats  and  heavy 
boots.  Sometimes  a black  silk  suit  is  worn.  What- 
ever the  material  of  the  dress,  it  should  be  warm 
and  durable.  A warm  wrap  of  some  sort  should 
always  be  provided. 


2 I O 


DRESS. 


OPERA  AND  THEATRE. 

Under  this  heading  we  give  the  customs  for  dress 
in  New  York,  as  given  by  the  graceful  pen  of  -the 
author  of  Social  Etiquette  of  New  York: 

“Among  the  conspiring  causes  which  make  the 
enjoyment  of  an  opera  too  infrequent  is  costume. 
If  a lady  wears  a full  toilet  she  must  ride  in  a car- 
riage. If  she  goes  in  visiting  dress  she  cannot  prop- 
erly occupy  a box,  even  if  one  be  placed  at  her  dis- 
posal, because  she  would  appear  like  an  ugly  weed 
in  a gay  garden  of  brilliant  blossoms.  For  the  same 
reason  she  cannot  properly  make  calls  in  the  boxes 
during  the  intervals  of  music,  if  she  is  soberly  clad, 
and  the  same  applies  in  part  to  the  gentleman  who 
is  in  matinee  toilet. 

“The  new  etiquette  regarding  costume  at  places  of 
public  amusement  began  only  lately  to  shape  itself 
into  a formality  in  New  York.  It  is  now  considered 
quite  proper  for  a gentleman  to  attend  an  opera  in 
a matinee  suit,  provided  seats  have  been  taken  else- 
where than  in  a box,  but  he  is  limited  in  his  visits 
between  the  acts  to  such  of  his  acquaintances  as 
are  also  in  demi-toilet,  unless  he  goes  to  the  foyer 
to  chat  with  promenaders.  The  latter  pleasure  has 
long  been  one  of  the  agreeable  parts  of  the  enter- 
tainment in  Europe,  and  the  custom  of  going  out 
with  ladies  between  the  acts  is  rapidly  coming  into 
vogue  in  this  country. 


DRESS. 


2 I I 


“If  a gentleman  is  in  full  dress  he  may  visit  any- 
where in  the  house,  but  he  will  not  seat  himself  in 
the  orchestra  or  in  the  dress  circle,  because  his 
toilet  will  appear  out  of  harmony  with  the  soberer 
garments  about  him.  He  may  properly  wear  gloves 
when  he  is  not  in  evening  dress,  as  this  slight  for- 
mality of  attire  is  in  keeping  with  the  style  of  his 
costume.  If  he  wears  a dress  coat  and  an  evening 
necktie,  it  is  permissible  for  him  to  appear  without 
gloves. 

“If  a lady  is  invited  by  a gentleman  to  attend  the 
opera  it  is  proper  for  him  to  inquire  if  she  prefers 
to  occupy  a box,  or  at  least  to  state  to  her  what 
place  he  proposes  to  offer  her.  If  she  accepts  a 
seat  in  a box  it  is  tie  rigiteur  that  she  go  unbon- 
neted, and  at  least  that  she  wear  a light  opera  cloak, 
even  if  she  does  not  array  herself  in  full  evening 
dress.  If  she  is  to  be  seated  elsewhere  she  should 
always  wear  a bonnet,  which  may  be  as  gay  and  as 
pretty  as  she  pleases.  It  is  not  considered  a breach 
of  etiquette  for  a gentleman  to  escort  ladies  to  the 
opera  by  any  one  of  the  public  conveyances,  pro- 
vided street  toilets  are  worn,  and  a lady  of  delicacy 
or  consideration,  when  she  accepts  an  invitation, 
will  mention  her  desire  to  go  in  this  unostentatious 
manner,  should  circumstances  make  it  proper. 

“The  providing  of  costly  apparel  is  the  largest  ex- 
pense and  the  heaviest  weariness  for  a lady  whose 
fondness  for  good  music  is  really  profound  and  sin- 


212 


DRESS. 


cere,  .and  there  are  not  a few  among  fortune’s  favor- 
ites who  prefer  the  refined  and  unostentatious  quiet 
of  the  less  dressy  parts  of  the  house,  just  because 
their  preparations  for  the  evening  are  thus  made  so 
much  less  tiresome  and  distracting.  A lady  can  go 
from  her  own  dinner  table,  bonneted,  wrapped  and 
gloved,  and  ready  to  luxuriate  in  the  blisses  of  har- 
monious sounds.  * * * individual 

who  loves  color,  warmth  and  beauty  but  feels  all 
the  more  grateful  to  those  who  add  their  charms  of 
gorgeousness  in  silks,  laces,  velvets  and  jewels  to 
the  opera,  because  they  themselves  have  been  ex- 
cused by  circumstances  from  feeling  compelled  to 
lend  their  own  persons  and  possessions  to  intensify 
this  magnificence. 

^‘An  evening  bonnet  and  light  gloves  are  consid- 
ered by  our  best  society  as  the  height  of  dressing 
for  a public  theatre  or  a concert,  unless  there  is 
some  prearranged  understanding  that  a wandering 
star  in  the  musical  or  dramatic  firmament  is  to  be 
especially  honored,  and  that  a fine  toilet  is  to  be 
one  of  the  methods  of  expressing  respectful  admi- 
ration. 

“Gentlemen  need  never  wear  full  dress  unless  the 
ladies  do;  albeit,  when  no  lady  is  expected  to  be  in 
grand  costume,  a gentleman  may  select  whichever 
style  of  garment  he  pleases.  The  delicate  senti- 
ment which  would  deter  him  from  going  in  full  dress 
to  the  opera,  when  the  ladies  whom  he  accompanies 


DRESS. 


213 


are  not  so  attired,  need  not  be  considered  at  a con- 
cert where  one  lady  is  presumably  as  well  costumed 
as  another.  There  are  many  ways  by  which  a 
tasteful  lady  will  brighten  a sober  garb  without  ex- 
hausting her  purse  or  worrying  her  mind  and  hands. 
She  will  do  this  in  grateful  appreciation  of  the  lately 
approved  custom  of  going  to  the  opera  and  to  the 
concert-room,  and  even  into  a proscenium  box  at  a 
theatre  in  a pretty  visjting  dress.  She  can  afford 
to  enjoy  the  theatre,  good  music  and  the  opera 
many  more  times  during  the  winter  on  this  account, 
and  the  gentleman  who  does  not  feel  compelled  to 
escort  a lady  in  a carriage  can  indulge  in  these  lux- 
uries twice  or  three  times  as  often  because  of  this 
lately  established  etiquette  in  matters  of  dress.” 

FOR  CHURCH,  FOR  READINGS, 

for  a morning  concert,  the  dress  should  be  plain  and 
simple,  with  dark  hat  also  plain.  It  is  not  in  good 
taste  to  wear  a dressy  bonnet  in  the  street  or  to  dis- 
play an  elaborate  toilet  in  church. 

Grand  toilets  are  worn  upon  all  occasions  where 
they  may  be  said  to  be  part  of  the  entertainment 
and  contribute  to  its  enjoyment;  but  divine  worship 
needs  no  concomitant  finery  and  good  music  reaches 
the  soul  through  the  ear  without  the  aid  of  the  eye. 
Fine  clothes  would  have  a tendency  to  distract  from 
the  fullest  enjoyment  of  either  sermon  or  music. 


214 


DRESS. 


RIDING-DRESS. 

The  habit  should  fit  perfectly  without  being  tight. 
The  skirt  should  be  full  and  long  enough  to  cover 
the  feet,  but  not  long  enough  to  entangle  them  in 
case  of  accident.  Leglets  of  the  same  materia] 
should  take  the  place  of  the  petticoat.  Strong 
boots  and  gauntlet  gloves  should  be  worn. 

Broadcloth  is  the  best  material  for  a riding  cos- 
tume. The  skirt  should  be  weighted  down  by 
stitching  shot  at  the  bottom  of  the  breadth  of  the 
left  side. 

Linen  collar  and  cuffs  and  black  necktie  should 
be  worn  with  this  dress. 

A stiff  silk  hat  and  veil  are  the  best  head  dress 
for  riding. 

MOURNING  COSTUMES 

are  given  in  the  chapter  on  funerals  and  mourning, 
and  need  not  be  repeated  here,  but  we  will  add 
what  Mrs.  Sherwood  says  about  “complimentary 
mourning.”  “ The  dress  is  now  made  very  elegant 
and  dressy.  Black  and  white  in  all  the  changes, 
and  black  bugles  and  bead  trimming,  all  the  shades 
of  lilac  and  of  purple,  are  considered  by  the  French 
as  proper  colors  and  trimmings  in  going  out  of 
black;  while  for  full  mourning  the  English  still  pre- 
serve the  cap,  weepers  and  veil,  the  plain  muslin 
collar  and  cuffs,  the  crepe  dress,  large  black  silk 
cloak,  crepe  bonnet  and  veil.  Heavy,  ostentatious 


DRESS. 


215 


and  expensive  habiliments  are  often  worn  in  mourn- 
ing, but  they  are  not  in  the  best  taste.  The 
plain-surfaced  black  silks  are  commendable.” 

APPROPRIATENESS 

as  to  age,  time,  place,  surroundings,  and  pecuniary 
circumstances,  is  indispensable  to  the  man  or 
woman  who  would  feel  at  ease  because  of  being 
well  dressed.  In  fact  one’s  clothes  should  be  so 
much  a part  of  herself  that  after  being  properly 
dressed,  she  should  not  think  of  them  again. 

With  the  constant  changing  of  fashions  one  can- 
not give  rules  for  the  “ cut  and  make”  of  garments 
for  every  season  and  occasion.  Women  of  wealth 
and  leisure  can  procure  the  aid  of  the  modiste,  but 
to  the  woman  of  small  means,  we  would  make  a 
few  suggestions  on 

ECONOMY  IN  DRESS. 

“The  largest  economy,”  says  one,  “of  course, 
lies  in  using  those  things  which  are  most  appropri- 
ate to  one’s  means,  and  will  last  the  longest;  but 
this  is  a kind  of  saving  impossible  to  those  who 
have  not  at  least  a small  capital,  which  is  the  easiest 
explanation  of  the  oft  repeated  saying  that  the  poor 
are  more  extravagant  than  the  rich.” 

Gaudy  colors,  or  a dress  which  is  striking  for  any 
reason,  should  be  worn  only  by  women  who  have 
many  changes  of  rainment,  as,  if  worn  often  she 


DRESS. 


2 I 6 

comes  to  be  known  by  her  dress — a conspicuous- 
ness that  no  woman  courts.  Even  if  it  is  “ made 
over”  it  is  still  a tell-tale.  A plain  dress  on  the  other 
hand  can  be  “readjusted”  and  be  made  to  do  duty 
almost- as  well  as  a new  one. 

If  you  can  afford  but  one  best  dress,  you  can  make 
different  “ costumes  ” with  it,  by  wearing  it  one  day 
with  lace  at  the  throat  (the  dress  turned  in)  and 
wrists;  the  next  day  with  high  neck,  linen  collar  and 
cuffs. 

Every  woman  should  have  one  or  two  good  pieces 
of  lace,  as  it  will  be  a saving  in  the  end,  if  carefully 
worn  and  used,  not  eveiy  day  of  course  but  on 
occasions.  Valenciennes  is  the  cheapest  because  the 
strongest  lace  and  can  be  washed  many  times.  • 

Never  buy  anything  that  is  not  good  and  lasting. 
Some  ladies  make  the  mistake  of  thinking  they 
must  not  wear  the  same  dress  many  times.  If  a 
lady  alone,  or  she  and  her  dress-maker  can  find  out 
just  what  is  becoming  to  her  peculiar  “style,”  she 
can  adopt  that  with  slight  variations  and  individu- 
alize the  costume,  which  is  less  trouble  to  her  than 
to  change  with  every  changing  fashion  and  is  a great 
economy. 

One  should  choose  colors  which  harmonize  with 
each  other  and  confine  one’s  self  to  them,  such  as 
gray,  black,  purple,  blue,  yellow,  white,  etc.,  and 
buy  no  others,  so  that  in  making  over  garments  one 
can  be  used  with  another  and  nothing  be  wasted. 


DRESS. 


2\f 


It  is  economy  to  have  several  pairs  of  boots. 
They  need  rest  and  change,  as  you  do  yourself. 
Square  heels  are  the  best  for  walking  boots.  When 
they  become  worn,  polish  them  with  the  blacking 
that  comes  in  boxes  and  don’t  use  the  liquid  black- 
ing; it  cracks  the  leather  and  soon  ruins  it.  Fine 
calf-skin,  well  fitted  and  nicely  polished,  makes  a 
pretty  and  economical  boot*. 

It  is  well,  too,  to  have  several  pairs  of  gloves,  for 
different  occasions.  Don’t  wear  party  gloves  ta 
church,  nor  church  gloves  to  do  your  marketing  in. 

The  “economist”  will  do  well  to  do  her  shop- 
ping late  in  the  season  or  out  of  season,  as  material 
. is  then  much  cheaper.  Of  course,  this  applies  to 
plain  goods  that  will  not  go  out  of  fashion,  and  one 
of  moderate  means  cannot  afford  to  buy  anything 
that  will  last  but  one  season,  excepting,  of  course,, 
hats  and  bonnets. 

Whalebones  which  are  supposed  to  be  indispen- 
sable, are  not  so  and  they  wear  out  the  dress. 

A street  dress  should  never  be  worn  in  the  house 
if  it  can  be  avoided,  as  it  wears  it  too  much. 

Boots,  gloves  and  bonnet  may  be  said  to  make 
the  style  of  the  costume,  and  they  must  harmonize 
with  the  dress. 


15 


CHAPTER  XVII. 


THE  TOILET. 


[ T is  the  duty  of  every  woman  to  be  beautiful. 
“Female  beauty  is  a power  that  will  always 
be  recognized  in  the  world,”  says  a recent 
writer.  ‘ ‘ ‘ Only  men  and  queens  can  afford  to  be 
ugly.  ’ Accordingly  the  so-called  fair  sex  must, 
and  of 'right  ought,  to  pay  the  intensest  attention 
to  the  powers  of  attraction  which  God  has  given 
them.”  The  same  writer  tells  of  an  old  lady,  who 
at  seventy  years  of  age,  was  as  charming,  fresh  and 
lively  as  any  woman  at  thirty,  and  gives  as  the 
secret  of  this  retention  of  health,  youth  and  beauty, 
a daily  rain-water  bath.  We  reserve  our  comments 
upon  this  until  further  on  in  this  chapter. 

The  first  requisite  in  a true  woman  is  purity  of 
mind ; the  second  cleanliness  of  person.  This 
should  be  and  is  true  of  man  as  well  as  of  woman. 
Real  gentlemen  and  ladies,  attend  scrupulously  to 
the  minor  details  of  the  toilet.  Want  of  time  is 
no  excuse  for  their  neglect,  as  half  an  hour,  or  at 
most,  three-quarters,  is  all  that  is  necessary  for  the 
dressing-room  work,  including  the  bath,  with  fric- 
tion. If  you  feel  that  this  is  too  much  time,  sleep 

less;  that  is,  rise  half  an  hour  earlier  and  you  will 

(218) 


THE  TOILET. 


219 


find  the  bath  will  benefit  you  more  than  the  sleep; 
besides  you  will  feel  more  respectable. 

lady’s  dressing-room. 

Have  your  toilet-room  as  convenient  and  as 
well  supplied  with  the  necessary  articles  as  you  can 
afford,  but  if  you  should  have  to  make  your  bed- 
room do  double  duty,  you  can  arrange  it  accord- 
ingly. From  a sanitary  point  of  view,  a bedroom 
should  contain  nothing  but  a bed,  table  and  a chair 
or  two,  with  rugs  upon  the  floor  instead  of  carpets. 

For  the  dressing-room  there  should  be  a low 
dressing-bureau  with  an  easy  chair  in  front  of  it, 
a washstand,  one  or  two  chairs,  a couch,  if  space 
permits  and  plenty  of  closet  room,  or  if  that  is  not 
possible,  a large  wardrobe.  We  have  seen  a very 
respectable  wardrobe  made  by  placing  three  brack- 
ets upon  the  wall — about  three  feet  apart — and  six 
feet  from  the  floor.  A wooden  shelf  was  placed 
upon  the  brackets  and  a heavy  curtain  then  tacked 
on  the  edge  of  the  shelf.  Hooks  for  clothing  were 
placed  beneath  the  shelf.  The  shelf  and  curtain 
protected  the  clothing  from  dust,  etc. 

The  dressing-bureau  should  contain  the  lady’s 
dressing-case,  jewel-case,  manicure-tray,  pin-cush- 
ion and  hairpin-basket.  Also  a bottle  of  pure  sweet 
oil,  and  a bottle  of  glycerine  prepared,  as  follows: 
One  ounce  of  glycerine,  one  ounce  of  rosewater  and 
ten  drops  of  carbolic  acid. 


220 


THE  TOILET. 


The  usual  “ furnishing”  for  a washstand  is  a large 
wash-bowl  and  pitcher,  soap-tray,  small  pitcher  and 
glass,  tray  (china)  containing  two  tooth-brushes  and 
nail-brushes,  a sponge-basket  with  a large  and 
small  sponge  in  it,  and  a bottle  of  ammonia.  Be- 
neath the  washstand  should  be  placed  the  foot- 
bath. 

Plenty  of  hooks  should  be  provided,  upon  which 
to  suspend  dressing-gowns,  dresses  just  removed 
or  about  to  be  worn,  or  any  article  to  be  used  gen- 
erally or  immediately. 

Of  course,  the  lady’s  dresses,  skirts,  etc.,  are 
hung  carefully  away  in  the  closet  or  wardrobe,  or 
laid,  smoothly  folded,  upon  a shelf -or  in  the  draw- 
ers of  the  dressing-bureau.  This  latter  treatment 
is  better  for  very  fine  dresses  than  hanging  them  up. 

A gentleman’s  dressing-room 

differs  very  little  in  its  appointments  from  a lady’s 
dressing-room. 

Of  course  his  dressing-bureau  will  be  supplied 
with  razor  and  all  the  articles  necessary  for  shav- 
ing, while  it  will  not  contain  such  things  as  are 
used  only  by  ladies. 

Somewhere  in  his  room  he  will  have  a boot-stand 
or  case,  boot-jacks  and  boot-hooks. 

A gentleman  should  never  hang  up  his  vests  or 
trousers,  but  should  fold  them  neatly — just  as  he 


THE  TOILET. 


22  I 


received  them  from  the  tailor — and  place  them  in 
drawers. 

THE  BATH. 

The  bath  is  a most  important  subject  and  should 
receive  more  study  and  attention  than  is  usually 
given  it.  There  are  families  who  understand  the 
hygiene  and  morality  of  the  daily  bath,  but  the 
large  majority  think  if  -they  can  “wash  and  be 
clean”  once  a week  or  even  once  a fortnight,  that 
is  all-sufficient.  We  should  bathe  not  to  become 
clean  but  to  remain  clean. 

Most  city  houses  have  a separate  bath-room, 
with  hot  and  cold  water;  unfortunately  this  is  not 
the  rule  in  country  houses,  but  the  exception. 
However,  the  absence  of  these  conveniences  is  no 
excuse  for  neglect  of  the  person.  If  a sponge  bath 
is  not  sufficient,  there  may  be  a temporary  bath- 
room made  of  the  dressing-room  by  laying  upon 
the  floor  a large  oil-cloth  and  placing  a bath-tub 
upon  it.  Some  one  in  a recent  newspaper  article 
tells  how  a famdly  in  the  country  arranged  a bath- 
tub without  a bath-room  in  the  following  manner: 
“The  house  was  so  small  for  the  family  that  there 
was  no  room  to  spare  for  a bath-room,  but  it  fort- 
unately had  a good,  large  kitchen.  Upon  one  side 
of  the  kitchen  stands  the  bath-tub,  cased  in  with 
pine  boards.  Above  this  casing  is  a movable  board 
six  or  eight  inches  wide,  and  the  whole  is  covered 


222 


THE  TOILET. 


by  a smoothly  planed  board  or  boards,  hung  by 
hinges  against  the  wall.  When  the  board  is  let 
down  over  the  tub  it  forms  a kitchen  table  about 
seven  feet  long  and  four  feet  wide,  and  those  not 
in  the  secret  would  not  suspect  what  is  beneath  it. 
A lead  pipe  carries  the  water  off  through  the  same 
channel  that  takes  it  from  the  kitchen  sink.” 

There  are  many  kinds  of  baths,  both  hot  and 
cold — the  shower-bath,  the  hip-bath,  the  sponge- 
bath,  the  douche,  etc. 

The  shower-bath  is  seldom  used,  and  is  danger- 
ous except  to  the  most  robust  and  vigorous. 

The  hip-bath  and  the  sponge-bath  are  always 
safe,  and  one  or  the  other,  or  at  least  a bath  of 
some  kind,  should  be  taken  every  morning,  summer 
and  winter.  The  temperature  should  be  made  to 
suit  the  individual,  always  observing  the  rule  to  let 
the  temperature  of  the  room  be  several  degrees 
warmer  than  the  water. 

A daily  bath  of  salt-water  is  not  only  refreshing 
but  cleansing.  Soap  may  be  used  for  the  hands 
and  neck.  Cold  water  is  invigorating,  but  it  is 
thought  to  be  too  great  a drain  on  the  vitality  of 
most  women;  besides  it  is  bad  for  the  skin.  A 
tepid  bath,  therefore,  is  generally  the  best.  A 
desh-brush  and  coarse  towel  should  be  used. 

Before  beginning  the  bath  the  head  should  be 
wet  with  cold  water,  no  matter  what  the  tempera- 
ture of  the  bath  is. 


THE  TOILET. 


223 


After  the  ordinary  bath  is  finished,  it  is  well  to 
remain  as  long  as  possible  without  clothing,  in  or- 
der to  get  the  benefit  of  the  air  upon  all  parts  of 
the  body,  and  if  accessible  the  sun  should  shine 
upon  it.  The  sun-bath  is  claimed  by  some  physi- 
cians to  be  even  more  beneficial  than  the  water- 
bath.  When  Victor  Hugo  was  banished  to  the  Is- 
land of  Gurnsey,  he  had  the  roof  of  his  house 
made  flat,  with  a railing  around  the  edge,  in  order 
that  he  might  live  upon  it  if  he  desired.  Every 
morning,  rain  or  shine,  hot  or  cold,  the  great  man 
took  his  air-bath,  running  briskly  around  the  roof  a 
number  of  times.  He  would  then  retire  to  his 
room,  rub  himself  with  a coarse  towel,  “make  his 
toilet  ” and  be  ready  for  work. 

THE  TEETH. 

The  teeth  should  be  carefully  brushed  after  each 
meal,  as  well  as  at  night  and  in  the  morning,  with 
a soft  brush.  A little  fine  salt  and  occasionally  a 
little  white  Castile  soap,  are  the  only  “dentifrices’^ 
necessary.  Avoid  too  hot  or  too  cold  drinks;  they 
injure  the  enamel  of  the  teeth. 

Neglect  of  the  teeth  causes  tainted  breath.  It 
is  said  that  the  common  parsley  will  remove  the 
effect  of  tobacco  from  the  breath.  (This  is  for 
gentlemen;  ladies,  of  course,  never  use  tobacco.) 
Next  to  tobacco  and  “liquid  stimulants”  onions  are 
the  worst  to  taint  the  breath.  Do  not  eat  them. 


224 


THE  TOILET. 


If  the  breath  is  habitually  unpleasant,  consult  a 
physician;  he  will  probably  tell  you  it  is  caused  by 
indigestion. 

THE  HAIR. 

• The  hair  requires  much  care;  it  should  never  be 
slighted.  It  should  be  brushed  for  twenty  minutes, 
night  and  morning,  by  a brush  kept  clean  by  fre- 
quent washings  in  warm  water  and  soda. 

In  brushing  or  combing,  begin  at  the  ends  of  the 
hair,  holding  the  upper  portion  firmly  in  the  left 
hand. 

Use  no  oils,  or  pomatums.  The  natural  oil 
secreted  by  the  “ covering  of  the  human  head”  is 
usually  all  that  is  necessary.  If,  however,  the  hair 
is  harsh  and  dry,  a little  pure,  unscented  olive  oil 
may  be  used;  apply  with  the  hand  or  a soft  flannel 
cloth. 

The  skin  of  the  head  should  be  kept  very  clean. 
A daily  rubbing  with  a little  salt  water  is  excellent. 
Ammonia  and  water  is  also  good,  The  brushing 
recommended  for  the  hair,  should  extend  also  to 
the  scalp.”  An  occasional  washing  with  soft 
warm  water  and  the  yolks  of  eggs,  is  better  than 
the  '‘shampooings  ” and  scrubbings  of  the  barber. 

It  is  well  to  clip  the  ends  of  the  hair  once  a 
month. 

Never  bleach,  blondine''  or  dye  the  hair.  It  is 
impossible  to  obtain  a color  in  this  way  that  will 


THE  TOILET. 


225 


harmonize  with  the  complexion,  and  any  attempt  to 
do  so,  ends  with  disfiguring  the  person  who  resorts 
to  it. 

Gentlemen  become  bald  from  the  persistent  wear- 
ing of  stiff  hats.  The  hat  should  never  be  worn  in 
the  house  or  office.  Hats  should  be  made  of  such 
material  and  in  such  way  as  to  be  well  ventilated. 

If  the  hair  turn  gray  before  you  think  it  ought, 
don’t  tamper  with  it.  Let  it  alone.  There  is  noth- 
ing more  beautiful  than  clean,  white  hair. 

THE  EYELASHES  AND  BROWS 

are  sometimes  improved  (?)  upon  by  penciling  and 
other  foolishness.  They  should  be  carefully  brushed 
in  the  natural  direction.  It  is  claimed  that  they 
may  be  lengthened  by  careful,  occasional  trimming 
in  childhood. 

With  regard  to  coloring  the  brows  and  lashes, 
perhaps  exception  should  be  made  in  the  case  of 
such  as  are  white,  or  flaxen.  A little  india  ink  ap- 
plied will  give  them  tone. 

THE  SKIN 

can  be  kept  beautiful  and  healthful  only  by  perfect 
cleanliness,  correct  diet  and  habits,  and  a scrupulous 
avoidance  of  cosmetics.  A physiologist  gives  the 
following  rules  for  the  preservation  of  the  com 
plexion:  “Rise  early  and  go  to  bed  early.  Take 

plenty  of  exercise.  Use  plenty  of  cold  water,  and 


THE  TOILET. 


226 

good  soap  frequently.  Be  moderate  in  eating  and 
drinking.  Do  not  lace.  Avoid  as  much  as  possible 
the  vitiated  atmosphere  of  crowded  assemblies. 
Shun  cosmetics  and  washes  for  the  skin.  The  latter 
dry  the  skin,  and  only  defeat  the  end  they  are  sup- 
posed to  have  in  view.” 

Moles  upon  the  face  should  be  treated  by  a sur- 
geon. 

Freckles,  if  they  are  constitutional,  let  them 
alone;  you  can  do  nothing  to  remove  them.  If  they 
are  “summer  freckles,”  that  is,  if  they  are  produced 
by  exposure  to  the  sun  and  air,  they  may  be  removed 
by  one  of  the  following  recipes: 

Make  a paste  of  one  ounce  of  bitter  almonds, 
an  ounce  of  barley-flour  and  enough  honey  to  give 
it  consistency.  Apply  to  the  face  and  hands  at 
night  and  wash  off  in  the  morning.  Then  with  a 
camel’ s-hair  brush  apply  a lotion,  made  of  half 
a pint  of  rain-water,  one  drachm  of  muriatic  acid 
and  a teaspoonful  of  lavender-water. 

Sometimes  the  following  treatment  will  produce 
the  desired  result:  Wash  the  skin  with  elder-flower 

water,  or  what  is  better  “Godfrey’s  Extract  of 
Elder  Flowers,”  apply  cold  cream,  and  in  the  morn- 
ing wash  off  with  rose-water. 

Another  remedy  is,  one  ounce  of  alum,  an  ounce 
of  lemon-juice,  in  a pint  of  rose-water. 

The  best  thing  for  “summer  freckles”  is  to  pre- 
vent their  appearance  by  careful  diet,  regular  exer- 


THE  TOILET. 


227 

cise  in  the  open  air  and  wearing  hats  that  will 
protect  the  face  from  the  sun,  and  veils  when  the 
wind  blows.  When  going  for  a long  drive  in  the 
country,  the  face  may  be  protected  by  wearing  a 
mask  (the  girls  used  to  call  it  an  “ ugly,”)  made  of 
green  or  yellow  flannel  cut  to  fit  the  face,  as  nearly 
as  may  be,  with  openings  cut  in  for  the  eyes,  nose 
and  mouth  and  tied  with  ribbons  at  the  back  of  the 
head.  This  is  not  the  most  comfortable  thing  in 
the  world,  especially  on  a hot  day,  but  you  will  be 
delighted  to  find  how  nice  your  complexion  is  when 
you  remove  the  mask  or  “ ugly  ” at  night. 

If  too  nervous  to  endure  the  mask,  rub  the  face 
with  pure  glycerine  and  dust  on  fine  flour  starch 
till  you  have  made  a coating  all  over  the  exposed 
parts  including  the  neck.  Wash  off  before  retiring, 
with  rose-water,  or  extract  of  elder  flowers. 

The  face  should  never  be  washed  when  much 
heated;  especially  not  with  cold  water.  Sudden 
transitions  from  heat  to  cold  crack  the  skin. 
The  face  should  be  wiped  with  a soft  towel  or  ker- 
chief or  with  a flannel  cloth  dipped  in  the  follow- 
ing preparation;  gl3merine  one  ounce,  rose- water 
one  ounce  and  carbolic  acid  ten  drops.  For  nearly 
every  occasion  and  under  nearly  all  circumstances, 
this  is  better  than  pure  glycerine.  No  one,  man  or 
woman,  should  ever  be  without  a bottle  in  the 
dressing-room. 

To  prevent  a shiny,  “polished”  complexion — 


228 


THE  TOILET. 


which  is  due  to  an  unusual  secretion  of  fatty  matter 
by  the  skin — use  the  following  preparation  twice  a 
day; 

Mix  with  one  quart  of  camphor  water,  half  an 
ounce  of  powdered  borax  and  an  ounce  of  pure 
glycerine.  This  also  prevents  chapped  hands,  re- 
moves sun-burn,  and  keeps  the  pores  in  good  condi- 
tion. It  is  said  to  be  also  a cure  for  tendency  to 
redness  of  the  nose. 

Another  healing  and  refreshing  wash,  is  a prepa- 
ration of  tincture  of  benzoin,  two  ounces  in  a pint 
of  pure  alcohol.  Apply  with  a soft  sponge. 

For  a pallid  skin,  a tepid  bath  every  morning, 
followed  by  vigorous  friction  with  coarse  towel  and 
flesh-brush  and  exercise  in  the  open  air,  are  the  best 
remedies. 

TO  REMOVE  WRINKLES. 

One  invariable  rule  is,  “ Never  use  cold  water  on 
the  face.”  The  hotter  the  water  the  better. 

Among  the  many  recipes  recommended  by  sup- 
posed good  authorities  we  select  several: 

Put  some  powder  of  best  myrrh  upon  an  iron 
plate  sufficiently  heate4  to  melt  the  gum  gently> 
and  when  it  liquifies  cover  your  head  with  a nap- 
kin arid  hold  your  face  over  the  myrrh  at  a proper 
distance  to  receive  the  fumes  without  inconven- 
ience. If  it  causes  headache  do  net  use  it. 

Melt  white  wax,  one  ounce,  to  a gentle  heat,  and 
add  juice  of  lily  bulbs,  two  ounces;  honey,  two 


THE  TOILET. 


229 


ounces;  rosewater,  two  drachms,  and  attar  of  roses, 
two  drops.  Use  twice  a day. 

A remedy,  said  to  be  in  use  by  Spanish  women, 
is  to  boil  the  whites  of  four  eggs  in  rosewater  and 
add  alum,  a half  ounce;  sweet  almond  oil,  a half 
ounce.  Beat  the  whole  to  a paste. 

Another  is,  sublimate,  four  grains;  hydro-chlo- 
rate ammonia,  four  grains;  milk  of  almonds  half  a 
pint.  Mix  in  a glass  vessel  and  apply  frequently. 

One  similar  to  the  first  given  here  adds,  after 
smoking  the  face  over  the  myrrh  three  times,  heat 
the  “shovel”  again  and  pour  upon  it  two  teaspoon- 
fuls of  white  wine,  steaming  the  face  with  it  three 
times.  This  treatment  is  to  be  repeated  night  and 
morning  until  the  desired  effect  is  gained. 

Vasaline  rubbed  on  the  face  and  neck  faithfullly 
every  night  will  postpone  the  appearance  of  wrinkles. 
This  should  be  applied  also  before  going  into  the 
hot  sun  for  long  drives  or  walks,  or  before  begin- 
ning any  domestic  work  in  heated  rooms. 

“ Sleeping  with  the  imperceptible  dust  of  the  day 
in  the  skin,  clogging  and  griming  it,  is  a great  cause 
of  wrinkles.” 

It  is  said  that  cocoa  butter  will  soften  and  nour- 
ish the  skin. 

These  things  are  all  very  well  in  their  places; 
they  are  all  right.  Cleanliness  is  not  only  next  to 
godliness,  but  is  a part  of  godliness.  Yet  we  may 
scrub  and  polish  the  outside  till  death  overtakes  us 


230 


THE  TOILET. 


and  not  produce  a beautiful  face,  if  we  do  not  pol- 
ish the  life  within. 

If  we  do  not  wash  away  all  selfishness  and  gross- 
ness and  refine  the  character  from  the  center  of  life, 
it  must  tell  upon  -the  surface. 

This  was  undoubtedly  the  secret  of  the  beauty  of 
the  seventy-years-old  lady  who  had  always  bathed 
in  rain  water.  Her  mind  was  at  peace,  her  heart 
unselfish,  and  the  serenity  of  her  inner  life  shone 
upon  her  physically  clean  face — the  unerring  index 
of  the  soul. 

TO  CURE  MOSQUITO  BITES. 

To  a strong  solution  of  alum  water — as  strong  as 
can  be  made — add  one-fourth  of  aromatic  vinegar, 
and  one-fifth  of  glycerine.  It  will  cure  instantly. 

COLD  CREAM. 

To  make  cold  cream  melt  together  a pint  of  sweet 
oil,  half  an  ounce  of  spermaceti,  and  two  ounces  of 
white  wax.  Add  whatever  odor  you  prefer. 

ROSEWATER. 

Rosewater  may  be  made  as  follows:  Half  an 

ounce  of  powdered  white  sugar,  two  drachms  of 
magnesia  and  twelve  drops  of  attar  of  roses.  Add 
a quart  of  rain  water  and  two  ounces  of  alcohol. 
Mix  and  filter  through  blotting  paper. 

JEWELRY 

may  be  cleaned  with  soap  and  warm  water,  scrub- 
bing gently  with  a soft  nail-brush. 


CHAPTER  XVm. 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES  AND  SIGNATURES. 


^Sn^HERE  are  Titles  of  Dignity,  which  include  all 
the  designations  expressive  of  the  monarchial 
position;  Titles  of  Possession,  which  refer  to 
territories  and  dominions;  Titles  of  Relationship, 
of  Religion,  and  of  Courtesy. 

“Titles  of  Honor  are  words  and  phrases  used  for 
marking  and  distinguishing  the  rank  or  station  of 
persons  to  whom  they  are  assigned  and  appropri- 
ated. Whatever  may  have  been  their  actual  or 
verbal  origin,  it  is  certain  that  among  most  nations 
which  have  made  any  considerable  progress  in  civil- 
ization, their  immediate  derivation  has  been,  in  the 
great  majority  of  cases,  from  some  kind  of  public 
office,  or  employment,  as  Mr.  Freeman  has  pointed 
out  in  Longmari  s Magazine,  the  principal  excep- 
tions to  this  rule  are  merely  complimentary  ad- 
ditions which  it  is  usual  to  accord  in  Europe  and 
America  to  persons  who  have  no  ascertained  place 
or  precedence  in  the  social  scale.” 

In  Great  Britain  the  Crown  is  the  fountain  head 
of  honor,  and  “ may  confer  upon  any  of  its  sub- 
jects such  titles,  rank  and  place  as  may  seem  to  it 
desirable.” 


232 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


PRECEDENCE. 

Precedence  was  made  the  subject  of  legislation 
towards  the  middle  of  the  sixteenth  century.  In 
1539  an  act  was  passed  by  Parliament — at  the  in- 
stance of  the  King — which  defined  the  relative  rank 
of  the  members  of  the  royal  family,  of  the  officers  of 
state,  of  the  hierarchy  and  of  the  peerage.  It  would 
be  out  of  place  to  give  here  the  list  of  precedences, 
but  it  may  help  some  embryonic  minister  to  the 
Court  of  St.  James  to  give  the  principal  titles,  man- 
ner of  address,  etc. 

In  our  own  country  these  matters  are  decided 
differently,  or  rather  they  are  not  decided  at  all. 

TITLES  OF  DIGNITY. 

At  the  present  time  all  emperors  are  imperial 
majesties;  kings  are  majesties;  grand  dukes,  royal 
highnesses;  and  all  reigning  sovereigns  are  high- 
nesses of  some  sort. 

Imperial  highness  or  royal  highness  is  the  proper 
title  of  the  sons  and  daughters  of  emperors  and 
kings;  serene  highness  or  highness  belong  to  mem- 
bers of  princely  families. 

TITLES  OF  COURTESY. 

In  Great  Britain,  grace  is  the  title  of  dukes  and 
duchesses,  and  lordship  and  ladyship,  of  all  other 
grades  of  the  peerage.  Dukes  and  duchesses,  are 
styled  most  noble;  marquises  and  marchionesses. 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


233 


most  honorable;  and  all  other  peers  and  peeresses, 
lords  ^nd  ladies  by  courtesy. 

Privy  councilors  and  the  lord  mayor  of  London 
are  styled  right  honorable.  Honorable  is  the  title 
of  the  younger  sons  of  earls,  the  sons  and  daughters 
of  viscounts  and  barons,  and  judges  of  the  high 
court  of  justice. 

Viceroys,  ambassadors  and  governors,  are  excel- 
lencies. 

The  simple  governor  of  an  oriental  province,  after 
a long  list  of  titles,  adds,  of  courtesy,  nutmeg’ 

of  consolation  and  rose  of  delight, 

RELIGIOUS  TITLES. 

Archbishops  are  most  reverend;  bishops,  right 
reverend;  deans,  very  reverend;  archdeacons,  ven- 
erable; and  all  clergymen,  reverend.  The  pope  is 
his  holiness;  cardinals  are  eminences. 

AMERICAN  TITLES. 

When  congress  first  met,  in  1789,  its  members 
spent  some  time  in  discussing  the  title  of  the  chief 
executive.  A committee  was  appointed  by  the  sen- 
ate to  decide  upon  a title,  and  reported  the  follow- 
ing: “His  Highness  the  President  of  the  United 

States  of  America,  and  Protector  of  their  Liberties,’' 
to  which  the  house  promptly  objected,  and  finally 
both  houses  agreed  to  the  plain  title  of  president. 

The  only  titles  recognized  by  American  law,  are 

16 


234 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


those  which  distinguish  rank  in  the  army  and  navy. 
Thus  the  titles,  which  we  use  so  profusely,  are  only 
ours  by  cou|:tesy,  and  we  are  much  more  lavish  in 
their  use  and  bestowal,  than  in  countries  where  so- 
cial distinctions  are  regulated  by  law. 

By  courtesy,  we  give  the  title  of  His  Excellency 
to  the  president  of  the  United  States,  the  governors 
of  the  states  and  to  the  ministers  to  foreign  coun- 
tries. The  Honorable,  is  given  to  the  judges  of 
the  Supreme  Court,  the  various  members  of  the 
cabinet,  the  members  of  the  Senate  and  House  of 
Representatives,  the  chief  officers  of  the  executive, 
legislative  and  judicial  branches  of  state  govern- 
ments, the  mayor  and  aldermen  of  city  governments. 

Esquire,  though  an  English  title  applied  legally 
to  the  sons  of  peers,  the  eldest  sons  of  peers’  sons, 
the  sons  of  baronets,  justices  of  the  peace,  mayors, 
sheriffs  and  a number  of  others,  has  been  applied 
indiscriminately  to  men  having  no  other  title,  but 
we  are  coming  to  apply  it  more  to  members  of  the 
legal  profession. 

Our  religious  titles,  as  far  as  we  have  need  of 
them,  are  the  same  as  in  England. 

Our  titles  of  Profession  are  so  well  known  they 
need  not  be  given. 

It  is  not  considered  good  breeding  to  repeat  titles 
frequently  in  conversation,  though  in  correspondence 
they  should  be  used  in  the  letter  and  given  in  full 
in  the  address  on  the  envelope.  In  speaking  to  the 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


235 


President  of  the  United  States,  you  may  call  him 
“Mr.  President;  ” in  writing,  the  address  should  be, 
“To  His  Excellency,  the  President  of  the  United 
States,”  or  “To  His  Excellency,  Benjamin  F.  Har- 
rison, President  of  the  United  States.”  The  secre- 
tary of  state  should  be  addressed: 

To  The  Honorable, 

The  Secretary  of  State, 

Washington, 

D.  C. 

The  other  cabinet  officers  are  similarly  addressed. 
To  our  other  Honorables,  we  write: 

Hon.  William  B.  Johnson, 

United  States  Senate, 

Washington,  D.  C., 

abbreviating  the  honorable,  and  it  is  not  consid- 
ered discourteous.  In  fact,  we  abbreviate  every- 
thing, except  reverend,  and  we  do  not  always  take 
time  to  write  that  out.  Professional  titles,  as  D. 
D.;  LL.  D.;  Prof.;  M.  D.,  are  very  properly  ab- 
breviated. 

Write  them  thus: 

The  Right  Reverend, 

William  Hillis, 

Bishop  of  Iowa, 

Dubuque,  Iowa. 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


The  Rev.  James  Brown,  D.  D. 

The  Rev.  John  Smith,  L L.  D. 

The  Rev.  Jacob  Schriner. 

The  Rev.  Miss  Brown,  or 

The  Rev.  Miss  Mary  C.  Brown,  or 

The  Rev.  Mary  C.  Brown. 

Charles  Fuller,  M.  D.,  or 
Dr.  Charles  Fuller. 

Mrs.  Dr.  Henderson,  or 
Mrs.  Dr.  Eliza  Henderson,  or 
Eliza  Henderson,  M.  D. 

John  Stuart,  Esq.,  LL.  D. 

Mr.  John  Smith,  or 
John  Smith,  Esq. 

But  it  should  never  be  written  Mr.  John  Smith, 
Esq.  We  also  abbreviate  military|and 'naval  titles. 
The  following  list  shows  the 

RANK  AND  PRECEDENCE  OF  MILITARY  OFFICERS, 
with  the  abbreviations  used: 

1.  Gen. — General. 

2.  Lieut.  “Gen. — Lieutenant-General. 

3.  Maj.-Gen. — Major-General. 

4.  Brig.-Gen. — Brigadier-General. 

5.  Col. — Colonel. 

6.  Lieut. -Col. — Lieutenant-Colonel. 

7.  Maj.— Major. 

8.  Capt. — Captain. 

9.  First  Lieut. — First  Lieutenant. 

10.  Sec.  Lieut. — Second  Lieutenant. 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


237 


NAVAL  OFFICERS. 

1.  Adm. — Admiral. 

2.  Vice- Adm. — Vice-Admiral. 

3.  Rear- Adm. — Rear-Admiral. 

4.  Com. — Commodore. 

5.  Capt. — Captain. 

6.  Comd. — Commander. 

7.  Lieut. -Comd.  — Lieutenant-Commander. 

The  rank  or  precedence  in  each  grade,  is  deter- 
mined by  the  date  of  commission,  appointment  or 
warrant. 

Our  mosCcommon  titles  are  Mr.,  Mrs.  and  Miss; 
and  Sir  and  Madam.  The  author  of  the  “Bazar 
Book  of  Decorum,”  says:  The  ordinary  “Sir”  and 

“Madam,”  to  one  of  which  we  all  consider  ourselves 
more  or  less  entitled,  are  uttered  with  a frequency 
and  an  emphasis  which,  though  evidently  intended 
to^be  courteous,  would  be  regarded  in  England  as 
impolite.  We  seem  to  have  borrowed  our  manners 
in  this  respect  from  the  French,  who  lose  no  oppor- 
tunity of  announcing  the  “ Monsieur,”  or  “ Madam,” 
and  “Mademoiselle.”  Our  English  relatives  avoid 
the  repetition  of  the  “Sir,”  “Madam  ” and  “ Miss,” 
except  when  they  desire  to  express  a certain  degree 
of  coldness  *or  severity,  and  a sense  of  superiority 
or  inferiority.  Servants,  they  say  must  always 
remember  their  “My  Lords”  and  “My  Ladies,” 


238  TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 

and  their  ‘ ' Masters  ” and  “Misses,”  and  gentle- 
men carefully  forget  them.” 

Gentlemen,  mere  acquaintances  and  servants, 
address  a young  unmarried  lady  as  Miss  Blank, 
both  in  notes  and  speech;  her  family  and  intimate 
friends  call  her  by  her  Christian  name,  and  it  is  not 
considered  in  good  taste  to  speak  to  or  of  her  other- 
wise. An  unmarried  lady  who  is  no  longer  youngs 
should  always  be  addressed  and  mentioned  as  Miss 
by  every  one,  except  her  own  family.  The  family 
of  a young  unmarried  lady,  should,  in  speaking  to  a 
social  inferior,  call  her  Miss. 

A married  lady  should  always  be  called  Mrs. — 
except  by  her  family,  who  may  give  her  her  baptis- 
mal name  in  speaking  to  her,  and  of  her  to  friends,  but 
not  to  mere  acquaintances.  In  writing  to  a married 
lady  the  envelope  is  always  addressed  to  her  hus- 
band’s name,  as  Mrs.  James  Carter,  except  it  be  a 
business  note  which  concerns  her  personally. 

A stranger  or  mere  acquaintance  will  in  the 
superscription  of  the  letter  designate  her  as  ‘‘  Dear 
Madam;”  a less  formal  note  will  begin  with  “Dear 
Mrs.  Carter;”  a more  cordial  one  with  “My  dear 
Mrs.  Carter.” 

Formal  letters  begin  as  follows: 

Dear  Sir. 

My  dear  Sir. 

Dear  Madam. 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


239 


Letters  of  friendship  usually  begin  with  the  fol- 
lowing expressions  and  such  others  as  the  relations 
between  the  parties  suggest. 

My  dear  Friend. 

My  dearest  Mother. 

Darling  Sister. 

Dear  Brother. 

The  question  has  been  asked,  '‘If  I am  writing  to 
Miss  Jane  Smith,  with  whom  I have  but  slight 
acquaintance,  must  I address  her  as  Madam?” 

You  can  write  it,  Miss  Jane  Smith, 

Austin, 

Texas. 

Dear  Madam,  or 
Dear  Miss  Smith,  or  if  you  place  the  name  at  the 
close  of  the  letter,  to  the  left  and  a little  below  your 
own  signature,  which  is  the  better  usage,  you  will 
be  obliged  to  address  Miss  Smith  as  Dear  Madam. 

An  acquaintance  may  sign  himself  “ Truly  your 
friend,”  though  he  may  not  be  so  familiar  as  to  ad- 
dress a lady  thus.  The  term  used  in  enclosing*  a 
letter  depends  upon  the  relation  of  the  writer  to 
the  one  addressed.  Letters  of  friendship  close  with 
such  expressions  as  the  following: 

As  ever  yours. 

Your  affectionate  husband. 

Affectionately  yours, 

Devotedly  yours, 

Yours  fraternally. 


240  TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 

More  formal  expressions  are: 

Yours  truly, 

Yours  respectfully, 

Very  truly  yours, 

Very  respectfully. 

Respectfully  yours, 

Your  humble  servant, 

Your  obedient  servant, 

Gratefully  yours. 

These  expressions  are  used  in  business  correspon- 
dence and  in  strangers’  notes. 

The  full  name  of  the  writer,  if  a lady,  should  be 
signed  to  the  letter,  especially  in  writing  to  a 
stranger.  Men  claim  the  privilege  of  using  their 
initials,  unless  in  the  case  of  well-known  literary 
and  other  professional  men.  We  should  scarely 
recognize  R.  W.  Emerson  or  N.  Hawthorne. 

A married  lady  in  writing  to  a stranger  prefixes 
Mrs.  to  her  name,  some  say  in  brackets,  while 
equally  good  authority  says  without  brackets.  If 
her  identity  is  a matter  of  great  importance  she 
may  sign  her  name  thus: 

Mrs.  Anna  Matilda  Brown. 

[Mr.  James  Norwood  Brown.] 

If  Mrs.  Brown  is  a widow  she  may  continue  the 
use  oj  this  explanatory  signature  for  three  years, 
after  which,  if  there  is  any  occasion  for  it,  she  en- 
closes in  parenthesis  (Widow  of  the  late  Mr.  J.  N. 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


241 


Brown.)  An  unmarried  lady  may,  in  writing  to  a 
stranger,  enclose  [Miss]  before  her  name. 

In  sending  orders  to  her  grocer  a lady  may  sign 
herself  Mrs.  Brown,  but  in  notes  and  other  corre- 
spondence this  would  be  impertinent. 

It  is  not  customary  with  people  of  good  taste  to 
use  any  title  in  signing  letters  or  other  documents. 
It  is  courteous  to  prefix  titles  of  honor  or  courtesy 
to  the  names  of  gentlemen — and  ladies  who  are  en- 
titled to  them — by  others,  but  it  is  never  done  by 
themselves,  unless  they  are  ignorant  of  good  usage. 

In  the  beginning  of  this  chapter  we  gave  the  rank 
and  title  of  the  royalty  and  nobility  of  Great  Britain 
and  give  here  the  proper  form  of  address: 

To  the  King’s  Most  Excellent  Majesty. 

To  the  Queen’s  Most  Excellent  Majesty. 

To  His  Royal  Highness,  Albert  Edward,  Prince  of 
Wales. 

And  in  like  manner  all  the  members  of  the  royal 
family  are  addressed.  The  complimentary  address 
of  the  nobility  is  as  follows; 

To  His  Grace  the  Duke  of  Argyle. 

To  the  Most  Noble  the  Marquis  of  Westminster. 

To  the  Right  Honorable  the  Earl  of  Derby. 

To  the  Right  Honorable  Lord  Viscount  Sidney. 

To  the  Honorable  Baron  Gran  worth. 

The  wives  of  noblemen  have  the  same  titles  as 
their  husbands,  as: 

To  Her  Grace  the  Duchess  of  Argyle. 


242 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


A Baronet  is  addressed: 

Sir  Walter  Scott,  Bart. 

A Knight, 

Sir  William  Armstrong,  Kt. 

RECAPITULATION  OF  FOREIGN  TITLES ROYALTY. 

Emperor  or  Empress — Style : His  or  Her  Majesty 

the  Emperor  or  Empress  of . Addressed : Sire 

or  Madam:  May  it  please  your  Imperial  Majesty. 

King  or  Queen — Style:  His  or  Her  Majesty  the 
King  or  Queen.  In  England  sometimes  His  or  Her 
Most  Excellent  Majesty.  Addressed : Sire  or 

Madam;  Most  Gracious  Sovereign;  May  it  please 
your  Majesty. 

ROYAL  BLOOD. 

Prince  or  Princess — Style : His  or  Her  Imperial 

or  Royal  Highness  the  Prince  or  Princess  of ; 

NOBILITY. 

Duke  or  Duchess — Style : His  Grace  the  Duke 

of  ; Her  Grace  the  Duchess  of  . Ad- 

dressed: My  Lord  Duke  or  My  Lady  Duchess,  or 
Your  Grace;  Madam.  The  eldest  sons  take,  by 
courtesy,  their  father’s  second  title,  as  Marquis, 
Viscount,  etc.,  and  carry  only  the  prefix  of  Honor- 
able, as  the  Honorable  Marquis  of , eldest  son 

of  the  Duke  of  . However,  if  the  son  be  a 

member  of  the  Privy  Council,  it  is  the  Right  Hon- 
orable the  Marquis  of , eldest  son  of  the  Duke 

of  . 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


243 


The  other  sons  and  daughters  have  Lord  and 
Lady  prefixed  to  their  Christian  names. 

Marquis  or  Marchioness — Style : The  Most  Noble 
the  Marquis  or  the  Marchioness  of  . Ad- 

dressed: My  Lord  Marquis  or  My  Lady  Marchion- 
ess; Madam.  The  eldest  sons  take  their  father’s 
second  title.  The  other  sons  and  the  daughters 
have  Lord  or  Lady  prefixed  to  their  Christian 
names. 

Earl  or  Countess — Style:  The  Right  Honorable 

the  Earl  or  Countess  of . Addressed : My  Lord 

or  My  Lady;  Madam.  The  eldest  sons  take  the 
second  title  of  their  father.  The  other  sons  have 
Honorable  prefixed  to  their  names;  but  the  daugh- 
ters, like  those  of  Dukes,  etc.,  have  Lady. 

Viscount  or  Viscountess— The  Right  Hon- 
orable the  Viscount  or  Viscountess  of  . Ad- 

dressed: My  Lord  or  My  Lady;  Madam.  Children 
have  Honorable  prefixed  to  their  Christian  names. 

Baron  or  Baroness — Style : The  Right  Honor- 
able Lord  or  Lady  of . Addressed : My  Lord 

or  My  Lady;  Madam.  Children  have  Honorable 
prefixed  to  their  Christian  names. 

Baronet  or  Wife — Style:  Sir , Bart.  Lady 

. Addressed:  Sir  or  Madam. 

Knight  or  Wife — Style : Sir ; Mrs. . In 

formal  documents  it  is  Sir , Kt.  Addressed : 

Sir  or  Madam. 


244 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


KNIGHTS. 

The  different  orders  of  Knights  are  indicated  by 
placing  after  the  name  certain  capital  letters,  as 
follows: 

K.  B. — Knight  of  the  Bath. 

K.  C.  B. — Knight  Commander  of  the  Bath. 

K.  C.  H. — Knight  Commander  of  Hanover. 

K.  C.  M.  G. — Knight  Commander  of  St.  Michael 
and  St.  George. 

K.  G. — Knight  of  the  Garter. 

K.  G.  C. — Knighf  of  the  Grand  Cross. 

K.  G.  C.  B. — Knight  Grand  Cross  of  the  Bath. 

K.  G.  H. — Knight  of  the  Guelphs  of  Hanover. 

K.  R.  C. — Knight  of  the  Red  Cross. 

K.  T. — Knight  of  the  Thistle. 

K.  P. — Knight  of  St.  Patrick. 

K.  C.  S.  I. — Knight  Commander  of  the  Star  of 
India. 

K.  G.  C.  S.  I. — Knight  Grand  Commander  of  the 
Star  of  India. 

K.  G.  C.  M.  G. — Knight  Grand  Cross  of  St. 
Michael  and  St.  George. 

K.  B. — Knight  Bachelor. 

C.  B. — Companion  of  the  Bath — does  not  confer 
the  prefix  of  Sir. 

ECCLESIASTICAL  TITLES. 

Pope — Style:  His  Holiness  the  Pope.  Ad- 
dressed: Holy  Father;  Your  Holiness. 


TITLES,  ADDRESSES,  ETC. 


245 


Cardinal — Style:  His  Eminence.  Addressed: 

Your  Eminence. 

Archbishop — Style:  The  Most  Reverend  His 

Grace  Archbishop  of Wife;  Mrs.  Addressed : 

My  Lord  Archbishop  or  Your  Grace.  Wife; 
Madam. 

Bishop — Style : The  Right  Reverend  the  Lord 

Bishop  of . Wife;  Mrs.;  Madam.  Addressed: 

My  Lord.  Wife;  Mrs.;  Madam. 

Dean — Style:  The  Very  Reverend  the  Dean 

of . Addressed : Mr.  Dean,  or  Rev.  Sir. 

Archdeacon — Style : The  Venerable  Archdeacon 

of . Addressed : Rev.  Sir. 

The  prefix  Right  Honorable  is  given  to  the  mem- 
bers of  the  Cabinet  in  England,  and  to  the  mem- 
bers of  the  Privy  Council  and  the  Judges  when 
Privy  Councilors;  so,  also,  to  the  Lord  Mayors  of 
London,  York  and  Dublin,  and  the  Lord  Provost 
of  Edinburgh;  but  only  during  their  terms  of  office. 

Ambassadors,  Governors  of  English  Provinces, 
and  the  Lord-Lieutenant  of  Ireland,  are  given  the 
title  of  Excellency. 

Right  Honorable,  when  given  to  an  English 
Bishop  or  clergyman,  is  prefixed  to  his  ecclesiasti- 
cal title;  but  in  the  case  of  baronets  and  knights 
the  title  Sir,  follows  the  Right  Rev.  or  the  Rev. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 


LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING. 


LETTER  is  a conversation  at  a distance. 
If  one  can  converse  properly,  he  can  almost 
always  write  properl)^  Letters  are  formal 
or  familiar,  according*  to  the  relations  between  the 
writer  and  the  person  addressed.  Before  begin- 
ning your  letter,  consider  what  you  would  say  to 
your  correspondent,  in  person;  then  write  your  let- 
ter so  that  it  might  appear  in  print  without  causing 
you  a blush.  In  letters  of  friendship,  be  a little 
more  dignified  and  precise  than  you  would  in  con- 
versation. 

“Notes  are  short  letters,  generally  limited  to  a 
single  point  of  business.”  They  are  used  in  invita- 
tions and  replies;  introductions  by  letter,  or  note, 
etc. 

While  there  is  a constant  flutter  of  white- winged 
messengers  of  love,  friendship  and  society  across 
city  and  country,  yet  the  great  bulk  of  the  United 
States  mail  is  business  correspondence.  On  ac- 
count of  the  interests  involved  in  them,  business 
letters  are  of  great  importance.  They  should  be 
clear,  brief,  direct  and  gentlemanly.  They  should 

(246) 


LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING. 


247 


contain  some  reference  to  former  correspondence 
that  the  business  may  not  be  confused  through  per- 
sonal failure  of  memory.  Great  losses  in  business 
have  resulted  from  carelessness  in  correspondence. 

Closely  written  postal  cards  and  long  and  tedious 
letters  are  an  abomination  to  a business  man. 

THE  PARTS  OF  A LETTER. 

The  essential  parts  of  a letter  are  the  Superscrip- 
tion; the  Body  of  the  letter;  the  Subscription,  and 
the  Address. 

The  Superscription  of  a letter  consists  of  the 
name  of  the  place,  the  date  of  writing,  and  the 
designation  of  the  perso7i  addressed ; as 

Des  Moines,  Iowa,  January  12,  1890. 

A.  C.  McClurg  & Co., 

Chicago, 

Illinois. 

Gentlemen: 

The  name  of  the  place  should  never  be  omitted, 
if  the  letter  is  to  go  to  another  town.  In  large 
cities,  as  New  York,  Philadelphia,  the  name  of  the 
state  need  not  be  added;  but  small  towns,  and 
cities,  where  there  are  several  of  the  same  name, 
should  be  specified  by  adding  the  state;  as  Spring- 
field,  111.,  Springfield,  Mass.  The  name  of  the 
street  and  number  of  the  house  should  always  be 
given;  as,  56  State  Street,  Chicago.  If  the  place 
is  small  or  unknown  to  the  person  addressed,  the 


248  LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING. 

name  of  the  County  should  be  added;  as,  Anita, 
Cass  Co.,  Iowa. 

Every  letter  should  have  a date;  the  month,  the 
day  of  the  month,  and  the  year.  The  date  should 
be  put  at  the  top  and  not  at  the  bottom,  as  is 
sometimes  done. 

The  designation  of  the  person  addressed  differs 
according  to  our  relations  to  the  party,  as  has  been 
explained  in  the  chapter,  “Titles,  Addressses  and 
Signatures.”  Business  letters  often  have  the  name 
of  the  firm  addressed  and  their  place  of  business,  as 
a part  of  the  designation;  as^ 

A.  C.  McClurg  & Co., 

1 1 7 Wabash  Av. , 

Chicago. 

Gentlemen: 

In  other  letters,  the  name  of  the  person  addressed 
and  the  name  of  his  post  office  are  usually  placed 
at  the  close  of  the  letter  to  the  left  and  a little  be- 
low the  signature. 

THE  SUBSCRIPTION. 

The  subscription  of  a letter  consists  of  the 
term  of  respect  or  affection,  and  the  signature;  as, 

Affectionately  yours, 

Anna  Brown. 


LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING.  249 

THE  ADDRESS. 

The  address  on  the  envelope  consists  of  three 
parts:  the  name,  the  title,  and  the  residence,  as, 

Mr.  Joseph  Howard, 

Buffalo, 

New  York. 

The  name  should  be  written  with  exactness, 
without  nicknames  or  pet  names. 

Mr.  is  a plain  title  that  belongs  to  every  man, 
but  when  he  has  any  other  title,  it  is  courteous  to 
use  it  in  addressing  him. 

The  residence  of  the  person  addressed  should  be 
written  out  in  full.  The  name  of  the  state  should 
not  be  abbreviated  unless  the  abbreviation  is  per- 
fectly intelligible.  The  street  and  number  of  the 
house  should  be  given,  if  the  letters  are  likely  to  be 
delivered  by  postmen.  The  address  upon  the 
envelope  should  be  written  as  follows: 

Messrs.  A.  C.  McClurg  & Co., 

1 17  Wabash  Av., 

Chicago. 

A letter  of  introduction  is  addressed  as  follows: 

Hon.  E.  M.  Davenport, 
Kansas  City, 

. Missouri. 

Introducing  John  Hale,  Esq. 


17 


250 


LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING. 


A letter  delivered  by  a friend  is  addressed  thus: 

Miss  Louise  Culver, 

At  Home. 

Politeness  of  Miss  Penn. 

Mr.  T.  B.  Tibbies, 

Courtesy  of  Mr.  Jones. 

It  is  no  longer  considered  polite  to  enclose  the 
postage  to  prepay  the  answer  to  a letter  written  to  a 
stranger,  except  between  business  men;  then  if  the 
information  sought  is  for  the  sole  benefit  of  the 
writer  he  encloses  a postal  card  with  his  address 
written  upon  it,  or  a stamp. 

Persons  unacquainted  with  the  rules  of  business, 
sometimes,  when  sending  an  order  to  one  firm,  en- 
close money  to  be  paid  another,  or  with  which  to 
make  small  purchases  in  some  other  line,  to  be  sent 
in  the  package  ordered  from  the  firm  with  which 
the  correspon.dence  is  held.  The  proper  way  to  do 
when  you  wish  to  order  goods  from  different  houses 
in  the  same  city,  and  yet  have  all  the  goods 
shipped  in  one  package,  is  to  write  an  order  to  each 
firm,  requesting  that  the  goods  be  delivered  to  the 
firm  with  which  you  do  the  most  business,  having 
of  course,  notified  the  firm  of  your  action. 

Don’t  ask  a reply  “by  return  mail”  unless  there 
is  real  urgency  for  it,  in  which  case  explain  the 
cause  of  the  urgency,  as  this  request  has  come  to 


LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING.  ' 25  I 

be  looked  upon  as  a mere  form  and  is  disregarded 
by  business  men. 

In  their  appropriate  places,  we  give  forms  for  in- 
vitations and  replies,  letters  of  introduction  and  a 
few  business  forms  in  the  special  chapters  for  young 
men,  but  it  is  impossible  to  give  examples  of  every 
kind  of  letter;  however,  a few  general  rules  will 
help  those  who  know  what  they  wish  to  write  about, 
and  for  those  who  have  no  ideas,  forms  would  be  of 
little  use.  Boys  and  girls  should  be  taught  the  art 
of  letter  writing  at  school  or  at  least  while  they 
are  young. 

' ANSWER  PROMPTLY. 

“This  is  not  meant  that  every  letter  should  be 
answered  at  once.  This  is  often  impossible,  and 
even  undersirable  when  reflection  is  necessary.  The 
principle  should  be  to  reply  without  needless  delay. 
This  is  due  to  every  correspondent  who  deserves 
any  attention.  The  character  of  a letter  is  greatly 
affected  by  the  delay  in  writing.”  All  notes  receive 
an  immediate  reply. 

WRITE  EVERY  LETTER  CAREFULLY. 

It  is  natural  to  slight  such  common  and  familiar 
things  as  letters,  yet,  on  the  whole,  there  is  scarcely 
any  other  one  form  of  writing  by  which  men  (and 
women)  are  so  generally  judged  by  their  acquaint- 


ances. 


252 


LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING. 


“Even  among  educated  men  there  are  compara- 
tively few  good  writers^  of  letters.  Violations  of 
grammar  and  bad  spelling  often  cost  men  positions 
of  honor  and  profit.” 

EXPRESS  YOUR  THOUGHTS  WITH  DIRECTNESS. 

“ Some  writers  who  are  plain  in  conversation  be- 
come sentimental,  others  verbose,  others  flowery 
in  their  letters.  Every  form  of  affectation  should 
be  avoided.  A letter  should  be  a natural  expres- 
sion of  ones  thoughts  and  feelings. 

STYLE  OF  PAPER. 

Letter  paper  should  be  fine  and  plain,  and  for 
ordinary  notes  neither  crest  nor  cipher  should  be 
upon  it,  though  the  latter  ornaments  may  be  used 
for  ceremonious  letters.  The  style  of  note  paper 
changes  from  time  to  time,  but  plain  white  is  always 
in  good  taste.  Some  years  ago — twenty-five  or 
thirty  perhaps — colored  paper  with  flowers  in  the 
corner  v/as  the  fashion.  This  went  out  and  we  came 
back  to  white,  then  through  the  pale  tints,  such  as 
blue,  green,  lilac,  etc.,  to  the  heavy  brown  or  choco- 
late-colored note  of  a few  years  ago.  At  the  pres- 
ent time,  pure  white  or  ecru  is  the  only  stylish 
paper. 

Monograms  are  no  longer  stylish,  but  many  ladies 
use  them.  It  is  more  fashionable  to  have  the  ad- 


LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING. 


253 


dresses  of  their  city  residence  or  their  country  place 
printed,  or  their  initials  engraved  in  one  corner. 

Square  cards  are  used  for  short  notes,  but  the 
style  of  the  plain,  thick,  English  note  paper,  folded 
square  and  put  in  a square  envelope  and  sealed 
with  red  sealing-wax,  has  never  changed  and  never 
will  change.  This  is  used  all  over  the  world.  The 
notes  of  ambassadors  and  of  royalty  are  written  on 
such  paper  and  in  such  style. 

INK. 

Plain  black  ink  should  invariably  be  used.  To 
use  the  purple,  green  and  other  colored  inks  is  no 
longer  considered  in  good  taste. 

It  is  no  longer  necessary  to  leave  a wide  margin 
on  the  page  of  the  letter. 

POSTAL  CARDS. 

Postal  cards  are  only  for  unimportant  business, 
and  ladies  seldom  use  them,  except  in  sending  or- 
ders to  shop-keepers. 

SEALING-WAX. 

Ceremonious  notes,  as  well  as  letters  of  friend- 
ship and  courtesy,  are  usually  sealed  with  wax  of 
any  color  suggested  by  the  taste  of  the  writer. 
Black  is  used  by  persons  in  mourning.  This  is 
sometimes  used  instead  of  black-bordered  paper 
The  seal  may  be  a crest,  a cipher,  an  initial,  a motto 
or  a ring. 


254 


LETTERS  AND  LETTER  WRITING. 


Letter  paper  and  note  paper  should  never  be 
ruled.  Ladies  are  accused  of  being  unable  to  write 
a straight  line  without  “lines.”  They,  as  well  as 
children,  should  learn  to  write  without  lines. 

The  date  and  the  number  of  a residence  is  usually 
expressed  in  Arabic  figures;  everything  else  is  writ- 
ten out  in  words,  and  no  abbreviations  should  be 
used.  In  invitations  the  day  of  the  month  is  often 
given  in  Roman  letters. 

Communication  by  letter  has  increased  to  such 
an  extent  that  a correct  knowledge  of  the  rules  of 
this  important  branch  is  necessary  to  one’s  social 
and  business  success,  and  no  education  should  be 
considered  finished  without  it.  The  art  of  Letter- 
Writing  ought  to  be  included  in  the  curriculum  of 
the  common  schools. 

Familiarity  with  the  etiquette  of  correspondence 
is  a stamp  of  good  breeding. 

Postscripts  are,  of  course,  never  used  in  notes  or 
short  letters,  and  indicate  carelessness  or  thought- 
lessness when  added  to  any  letter;  however,  as  a 
question  which  had  not  been  thought  of,  has  been 
asked  at  this  point,  we  add  a postcript.  The  ques- 
tion is  “In  writing  to  servants  how  shall  I address 
them.!^”  The  custom  is  to  begin  thus: 

To  Matilda  Peterson: 

Mrs.  Hunter  will  return  home 
next  Wednesday,  and  wishes  the  house  to  be  in 
readiness,  etc. 


CHAPTER  XX. 


MARRIAGE. 


HE  early  canon  law  asserted  marriage  to  be  a 


religious  contract,  ratified  by  the  Holy  Ghost,  a 


^ contract  by  which  two  were  mystically  and  ir- 
revocably united,  not  only  for  time  but  for  eternity. 
How  this  was  reconciled  with  the  authority  that  in 
heaven  they  neither  marry  nor  are  given  in  mar- 
riage, I am  not  able  to  say. 

To-day  some  of  us  jump  into  marriage  with  our 
eyes  shut;  natural  consequences  open  them  and  we 
jump  out  again  through  the  divorce  courts.  The 
process  of  courtship  which  proceeds  modern  mar- 
riages is  purely  conventional,  and  affords  little 
opportunity  for  real  acquaintanceship. 

“ There  are  few  persons  who  are  not,  or  have  not 
been,  or  hope  not,  or  fear  not  to  be  married.  How 
vast  the  number  who  wear  the  yoke,’'  says  Mr. 
Phillip  Gilbert  Hammerton.  “Married  and  settled; 
yet  oftener  unsettled  in  their  desires  and  affections, 
and  wondering  and  toiling  to  trace  the  coil  that  has 
woven  itself  or  has  been  woven  by  the  fates  so  mys- 
tically about  them.” 

Sir  Arthur  Helps  says:  “The  Illiad  for  war;  the 


(255^ 


256 


MARRIAGE. 


Odyssey  for  wandering,  but  where  is  the  great  do- 
mestic epic.” 

I can  tell  you;  it  is  being  written  upon  the  un- 
seen side  of  life,  in  letters  of  fire,  whose  traces  shall 
remain  forever,  and  in  the  great  judgment  days  of 
each  human  soul,  the  ‘‘heart  shall  reap  where  it 
has  sown,  and  garner  up  its  fruit  of  tears,”  or  go 
empty  to  expiate  its  wrongs  to  itself  and  others. 
Social  martyrdoms  are  endured  daily  and  hourly  in 
our  midst,  but  they  place  no  saints  upon  the  cal- 
endar. 

How  are  these  martyrdoms  to  be  avoided.^  is  the 
practical  question. 

The  first  step  should  be  a reformation  of  our 
manners  toward  each  other  in  the  home  life.  Com- 
pany manners  are  shoddy,  and  are  very  soon  de- 
tected by  people  of  true  refinement,  and  the  “yoke- 
fellow” of  the  man  or  woman  who  is  coarse  and 
unkind  at  home,  and  keeps  his  or  her  gentle  man- 
ners for  strangers,  despises  the  action  and  will  very 
soon  come  to  despise  the  actor.  Were  there  true 
respect,  mutual  candor,  confidence  and  yet  reserve, 
with  a disinterested  courtesy  on  both  sides,  and  a 
real  desire  for  self-improvement  and  growth,  there 
could  be  no  wide  difference  in  the  manners  of  fam- 
ilies at  home  and  abroad.  Self-respect  ought  to 
keep  both  men  and  women  from  every  act  of  rude- 
ness. 

If,  because  of  the  social  freedom  enjoyed  by  our 


MARRIAGE. 


257 


young  people,  they  make  mistakes  in  their  choice 
of  life  companions,  pride  should  bid  them  bury 
their  disappointment  out  of  sight,  and  cultivate  the 
graces  of  manner  that  shall,  at  least,  make  those 
about  them  less  conscious  of  the  inharmony  of  their 
own  lives,  and,  in  their  efforts  to  promote  the  hap- 
piqess  of  others  by  forgetting  self,  they  may  be- 
come useful  members  of  society. 

Let  them  always  remember  that  manners,  like 
charity,  begin  at  home.  The  tenderest  love  will 
be  shocked  by  rudeness  of  speech  or  manner,  and 
familiarity  degrades  both  the  subject  and  its  object. 

No  soul  has  a right  to  lay  itself  quite  bare  to 
any  other  soul,  else,  why  are  we  given  the  power 
and  the  desire  to  be  ourselves  ? 

Let  something  be  understood  and  forget  not  that 
'‘Distance  lends  enchantment,”  and  this  includes 
that  other  maxim,  “Familiarity  breeds  contempt.” 

It  is  the  experience  of  all,  that  very,  ve7y  few 
persons,  will  bear  the  test  of  close  acquaintance,  or 
intimacy.  This  is  why  the  most  ardent  friendships 
are  frequently  of  short  duration.  The  barriers  of 
reserve  are  swept  away  in  the  rush  of  confidence, 
and  the  ideal  friend  becomes  disenchantingly  real. 

We  may  close  our  eyes  to  the  fact,  if  we  choose, 
but  we  know  that  close  intimacies  of  all  kinds,  hide 
the  worst  feelings  the  natural  man  is  endowed  with. 
The  hatreds,  the  disgusts,  the  jealousies  engendered 
in  these  relationships,  are  among  the  worst  forms  of 


258 


MARRIAGE. 


misery  placed  upon  human  souls.  The  cause  may, 
nearly  always,  be  traced  to  selfishness,  or  familiar- 
ity. Mesmeric  and  other  subtle  influences,  which 
we  do  not  understand,  play  their  part,  and  it  is  our 
duty  to  try  to  discover  them. 

No  man  has  a right  to  ask  a woman  to  be  his 
wife  until  he  can  offer  her  a home  of,  at  least,  four 
rooms;  a living  room,  a bath  room,  a private  room 
for  her,  and  another  for  himself.  Then  let  him  re- 
spect her  privacy,  her  individuality,  her  personality. 
Let  them  study  and  understand  the  effects  of  fresh 
air  and  proper  food;  of  psychological  influences. 
In  short,  nothing  which  belongs  to  human  nature 
should  be  considered  beneath  their  careful  study. 

The  subtle  forces  which  govern  our  well  being 
are,  with  the  majority  of  us,  either  ignored,  or 
thought  to  be  too  deep  for  our  comprehension,  and 
the  consequences  of  our  ignorance,  reach,  in  their 
hurtfulness,  our  posterity  to  the  third  and  fourth 
generations. 

The  question  of  marriage  involves  the  whole 
question  of  life,  and  our  efforts  should  be  to  make 
it  purer  and  nobler  and  grander.  How  best  to  do 
this,  each  individual  must  answer  for  himself,  but 
there  are  a few  rules  applicable  to  all  cases.  For- 
get self  and  try  to  make  those  around  you  happy. 
Study  the  art  of  living  together;  it  is  an  art,  and 
not  all  persons  can  do  it  successfully.  When  you 
stood  at  the  alter,  with  so  much  love  and  courage. 


MARRIAGE. 


259 


you  promised  ''for  better  or  for  worse;”  remember 
this  when  you  are  tempted  to  find  fault.  Remem- 
ber the  delicate  attentions  you  gave  the  lover,  and 
be  sure  they  are  just  as  potent  for  good  now  as 
then.  Avoid  familiarity;  the  old  proverb  is  truth 
itself. 

Have  no  differences  in  religion  or  politics;  if  yon 
do,  don’t  discuss  them.  Few  of  us  are  liberal 
enough  to  forgive  differences  of  opinion  when  they 
touch  our  religion,  our  politics  or  our  mother. 

Don’t  scold.  Scolding,  like  familiarity,  begets 
contempt. 

Don’t  expect  what  your  companion  cannot  give. 
Procrustean  beds  are  out  of  da.te.  . 

Don’t  be  ill-natured.  Observance  of  the  laws  of 
health  will  aid  you  in  this. 

Don’t  think  you  are  king,  and  she  and  the  child- 
ren your  subjects.  Subjects  sometimes  rebel. 

Don’t  think,  because  you  are  married,  you  can 
disregard  neatness  and  good  taste  in  dress  at  home. 
This  may  be  the  first  step  in  the  direction  of  inhar- 
mony. 

Don’t  criticise.  Your  marriage  did  not  elevate 
you  to  the  position  of  judge. 

A little  adverse  criticism  is  good  for  us,  but  let  it 
come  from  outside  the  family. 

Don’t  believe  there  is  only  one  way  of  thinking 
and  doing  and  that  way  is  yours.  You  may  find, 
when  too  late,  that  there  are  better  ways. 


26o 


MARRIAGE. 


Don't  ridicule.  Above  all  don’t  ridicule  personal 
defects.  This  is,  of  all  faults,  the  most  dangerous. 

Don’t  talk  too  much.  There  is  sometimes  more 
eloquence  in  silence  than  in  words.  At  the  same 
time  be  cheerful  and  not  moody. 

Don’t  use  language  to  your  wife  or  your  husband 
that  you  would  be  ashamed  to  have  heard  by  a 
third  person.  There  is  always  a third  person — 
your  conscience. 

Be  truthful.  One  false  representation,  or  act, 
may  destroy  the  peace  of  a life  time. 

Be  courteous.  It  was  courtesy*  more  than  all 
else  that  helped  you  to  win  your  companion. 
Courtesy  is  the  result  and  evidence  of  good  breed- 
ing. Keep  up  the  enchantment  of  reserve.  Once 
swept  away,  no  power  on  earth  can  restore  it. 

Be  cheerful.  It  is  sunlight  makes  the  flowers 
grow.  And  if  the  shades  of  night  also  are  neces- 
sary for  their  preservation,  so  too  are  the  occasional 
shadows  of  sorrow  and  loss,  necessary  to  keep 
your  sympathies  with  the  world  warm — to  keep 
your  philanthropy  alive. 

There  is  another  side  of  the  marriage  question, 
that  may  interest  the  women  and  perhaps  a few 
men,  and  that  is  money.  This  is  not  a pleasant 
theme  and  yet  it  plays  such  an  important  part  in 
life  that  we  cannot  ignore  it,  much  as  we  wish  we 
could.  “ He  who  has  his  hand  on  the  money  bags, 
has  the  power.” 


) 


MARRIAGE. 


261 


Have  a common  fund  for  household  expenses. 
Don’t  make  your  wife  feel  like  a dependent.  Give 
the  children  a chance  to  earn  money. 

There  is  rnore  peace,  harmony,  and  even  love  if 
you  will,  in  a well  filled  purse,  all  a woman’s  own, 
than  in  beautiful  surroundings  without  a penny  to 
call  her  own.  Why.^  Because  she  has  one  of  the 
two  requisites  to  self  respect,  liberty  and  possession, 
and  if  she  is  happy  she  has  both.  It  is  in  your 
power  to  give  her  both.  She  must  have  liberty  to 
develop  the  highest  and  best  that  her  inner  self 
contains,  and  restraint  and  worry  over  financial 
matters  does  not  expand  or  broaden  ones  nature. 

“Man  shallnot  live  by  bread  alone.”  True;  but  he 
can  be  a better  Christian  after  having  had  a nourish- 
ing breakfast,  and  feels  more  charitable  to  the  short- 
comings of  those  about  him,  than  he  can  when 
hungry.  So  a woman  can  be  a better  wife  and 
mother,  if  she  feel  that  she  is  equal  to  the  hus- 
band in  all  things.  The  empty  pocket  book  gives 
her  that  same  feeling  of  goneness  that  your  hunger 
gives  you. 

It  is  said — and  I am  sorry  to  be  forced  to  admit 
its  truth — that  woman  is  less  truthful  than  man. 
Wh}^  is  this.^  It  is  because  of  her  present  and  in- 
herited fear  of  father,  husband  or  Mrs.  Grundy. 

Self  preservation — the  first  law  of  life — suggests 
subterfuge,  prevarication,  white  lies,  anything  to 
keep  peace.  This  is  especially  so  in  the  expendi- 


262 


MARRIAGE. 


tures  of  money.  She  mentally  excuses,  while  she 
despises  herself  for  it.  Each  time  she  is  guilty  of 
this  sin,  her  soul,  on  bended  knees — if  I may  say 
so — promises  itself  never  to  repeat  the  offense,  for 
it  is  unbearable  to  stand  before  her  child  a self  con- 
fessed hypocrite.  How  is  she  to  teach  it  horibr  and 
integrity,  with  a lie  upon  her  own  conscience.^ 

Between  the  pangs  of  conscience  and  the  dread 
of  upbraidings  that  are  sure  to  follow  the  whole  truth, 
especially  as  to  the  financial  bugbear,  what  is  she 
to  do.^ 

I know  several  good  men  who  will  upbraid  their 
wives  for  weeks — terrorize  them,  if  they  spend  a 
dollar  without  their  lord’s  consent. 

The  man  does  not  mean  to  be  mean,  but  he 
thinks  his  judgment  in  the  economy  of  money  mat- 
ters, so  superior  to  hers  and  his  authority  so 
supreme,  that  he  cannot  forgive  the  wound  to  his 
pride,  if  one  iota  seems  to  have  gone  out  of  his 
hands. 

He  can  cure  this  by  making  a decent  division  of 
the  money  and  teaching  her,  if  she  does  not  know, 
how  to  spend  it.  Ninety-nine  cases  in  a hundred 
she  knows  better  than  he. 

It  is  duty  to  all  concerned  for  the  wife  and  mother 
to  take  her  stand  with  quiet  dignity,  at  the  head  of 
her  household.  If  she  be  firm,  gentle,  self  reliant, 
allowing  no  coarseness,  or  familiarity,  but  under- 
standing and  quietly  exacting  the  deference  and 


MARRIAGE. 


263 


courtesy  which  are  her  due,  she  can  educate  her 
family  up  to  her  standard. 

She  can  diffuse  through  the  home  an  atmosphere 
of  sympathy,  kindness  and  love,  in  which  the  ten- 
der buds  of  humanity  which  may  be  given  to  her 
care,  can  grow  and  expand  into  noble  manhood  and 
womahood. 

There  is  a poetic,  an  unseen  side  running  parallel 
with  all  these  practical  questions  and  duties  of  life, 
the  cultivation  and  education  of  which  are  just  as 
necessary  as  that  of  the  outer,  but  in  the  rush  and 
hurry  of  business  and  material  things,  we  close  our 
eyes  and  ears  to  the  better  life  and  the  greater  hap- 
piness. 

“ And  the-  thoughts  of  men  do  widen  with  the 
process  of  the  suns.”  And  so  in  the  dim  and  far  off 
future  when  we  have  learned  to  make  more  of  the 
real  self  and  consequently  have  better  every-day 
manners,  we  shall  achieve  more  perfect  marriage. 
In  the  meantime  we,  will  attend  a wedding  cere- 
mony as  given  in  the  next  chapter,  with  best 
wishes  for  all  participants. 


CHAPTER  XXI 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


^^n^HERE  are  weddings  and  weddings.  The 
II  ceremony  is  arranged  according  to  the  inclina- 
^ tion  and  circumstances — financial  and  other 
— of  the:bride’s  family.  But  as  everybody  wants 
to  know  how  fashionable  weddings  are  conducted, 
we  give  the  latest  and  best  authorities  on  this 
most  interesting  of  all  ceremonies,  many  features 
of  which,  however,  are  common  to  all  weddings, 
the  simplest  as  well  as  the  grandest. 


THE  ENGAGEMENT. 

Among  the  Athenians,  betrothment  with  its  at- 
tendant ceremonies  was  indispensable  to  the  validity 
of  a marriage  contract.  In  France,  Switzerland 
and  Germany,  no  marriage  ever  takes  place  with- 
out the  formal  betrothal.  In  the  United  States  no 
formality  attends  the  announcement  of  an  engage- 
ment of  marriage.  Sometimes  a dinner  party  is 
given  by  the  family  of  the  bride  to  be,  or  the  groom 
(when  the  former  and  her  family  must  be  present) 
and  the  host  announces  the  intelligence  just  before 
rising  from  the  table,  when  congratulations  are 
offered  by  those  present.  As  soon  as  the  informa- 

(264) 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


265 


tion  reaches  the  social  circle  of  the  gentleman  and 
lady,  the  latter  receives  notes  of  congratulation, 
flowers  and  calls. 

Sometimes  the  announcement  is  made  by  the 
mother  of  the  bride,  by  note,  or  by  the  bride  and 
groom  among  their  very  intimate  friends.  These 
are  acknowledged  by  notes  of  congratulation. 

Sometimes  the  friends  of  the  engaged  couple 
give  them  a dinner,  an  evening  dancing  party,  or  a 
theatre  part)^ 

THE  LAST  CALL. 

After  an  announcement  of  engagement,  the  bride 
makes  no  visits,  though  she  receives  calls  or  cards 
from  friends.  Just  before  the  wedding  invitations 
are  issued  she  leaves  her  visiting  card  in  person  at 
the  door  of  her  friends’  residence,  but  she  does  not 
enter,  except  to  visit  an  invalid,  or  an  aged  friend. 
There  is  something  pathetic  in  this  last  call.  It  is 
the  last  time  she  will  ever  use  her  family  name  and 
this  may  mean  much  to  her.  Not  that  the  mere 
change  of  names  necessarily  means  so  much,  except 
as  it  indicates  her  new  and  more  responsible  social 
relations.  These  she  gladly  assumes,  yet  she  prob- 
ably does  not  understand  the  ‘ ‘ weight  of  words” 
as  did  Caesar,  when  he  “Father  of  his  Country, 
High  Pontiff  of  the  Gods,  Consul  of  the  Common- 
wealth, Prince  of  the  Senate,  Imperator  of  the 
Army  and  Master  of  Rome  and  the  World,”  did 

18 


265  THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 

not  dare  call  himself  King.  “I  am  Caesar,  not 
King.”  But  we  will  not  sadden  her  last  days  of 
freedom  by  moralizing  ; she  will  have  time  for  that 
hereafter. 

WEDDING  CARDS. 

Her  wedding  cards  are  sent  out  fifteen  days  before 
the  ceremony  is  to  take  place  and  often  much 
earlier.  Invitations  to  remote  places  are  forwarded 
sooner  so  that  parties  who  desire  to  be  present  can 
arrange  accordingly. 

The  invitations  to  the  marriage  ceremony  are 
sent  out  in  the  name  of  the  bride’s  father  and 
mother,  or  of  one  alone,  if  only  one  be  living.  If 
the  bride  stand  in  other  relationship,  like  that  of 
ward,  niece,  etc. , to  the  person  or  persons  issuing 
the  invitation,  this  relationship  is  noted  in  the 
formula  in  place  of  the  word  ‘ ‘ daughter.  ’ ’ 

A card  of  invitation  to  the  breakfast  or  reception 
for  such  as  are  entitled  to  this  honor,  accompanies 
the  engraved  note  ; and  also  one  or  two  tickets  of 
admission,  intended  for  distribution  to  personal 
friends  of  the  invited,  and  also  for  the  use  of  ser- 
vants who  accompany  guests  to  the  church.  These 
latter  are  necessary  only  in  large  cities,  where  “the 
idle  rabble  would  crowd  the  church.” 

“Friends  who  wear  mourning  costumes  usually 
enter  the  church  by  these  cards,  quietly  and  early, 
and  hide  themselves  in  the  crowd  to  escape  the 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  267 

eyes  of  the  bridal  pair.  Pleasant  omens  are  not 
suggested  by  those  who  are  supposed  to  be  wise  in 
prophetic  phenomena,  by  one  coming  to  us  dressed 
in  crepe.  Hence  the  delicate  custom  among  the 
sorrowing  of  absenting  themselves  from  the  festal 
part  of  weddings  and  also  making  themselves  in- 
visible to  the  marriage  party  while  they  are  present 
in  the  church,  to  join  in  the  prayerful  ceremony  of 
the  hour.” 

Invitations  to  weddings  are  now  engraved  upon 
one  sheet  of  paper,  the  separate  cards  of  bride 
and  groom  being  seldom  used.  The  following  form 
is  preferred  for  the  engraving,  which  is  plain  script. 
The  paper  is  thick,  fine  and  shaped  so  as  to  fold 
over: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  William  Archer 
request  your  presence 
at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter, 
Blanche  Elizabeth, 
to 

Mr.  John  Willis  Cumberland, 
on  Tuesday  morning,  June  tenth,  j8qo, 
at  eleven  o'  clock, 

St.  Paul’s  Cathedral, 

Des  Moines. 

This  invitation  requires  no  answer.  Friends  living 
at  a distance  who  receive  it,  inclose  their  cards  and 
send  by  mail.  Residents  call  upon  the  family  of 
the  bride  as  has  already  been  stated. 


268 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


The  invitation  to  the  reception,  which  is  enclosed 
in  the  same  envelope,  is  usually  engraved  upon  a 
square  card,  the  same  size  of  the  sheet  of  note  pa- 
per upon  which  is  engraved  the  invitation  to  the 
ceremony,  after  it  has  been  once  folded  across  the 
middle.  The  following  is  one  of  the  forms  used: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  William  Archer, 

AT  home 

Tuesday  Morning,  June  Tenth, 
from  half-past  eleven  until  four  d clock, 

416  Grand  avenue. 

The  admission  card  is  long  and  narrow  and  neatly 
and  plainly  engraved  in  script. 

St.  Paul’s  Cathedral, 

Ceremony  at  eleven  d clock. 

the  ceremony. 

The  order  of  the  religious  part  of  the  ceremony  is 
fixed  by  the  church  in  which  it  occurs.  Rehearsals 
by  the  wedding  party  are  necessary  to  enable  them 
to  act  their  parts  gracefully. 

THE  bridegroom’s  BEST  MAN. 

It  was  formerly  the  custom  for  the  groom  to  be 
attended  by  several  young  men,  the  number  to 
equal  that  of  the  bridesmaids,  but  the  present 
usage  is  to  select  from  his  friends  but  one,  who 
shall  be  his  '‘best  man.” 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  269 

It  is  the  duty  of  the  “best  man”  to  arrange  the 
business  and  social  formalities  of  the  wedding.  He 
accompanies  the  groom  to  the  church,  follows  him 
from  the  vestry  to  the  altar  and  stands  near  him, 
waiting  the  arrival  of  the  bride;  during  the  cere- 
mony he  stands  at  his  right  hand  a little  behind 
him,  holding  the  groom’s  hat.  He  signs  the  regis- 
ter as  witness;  pays  the  clergyman’s  fee,  and  when 
the  reception  is  over,  or  before,  he  precedes  the 
bridal  pair  to  the  train  or  the  steamer  and  checks 
their  baggage;  and  if  they  desire  to  withhold  the 
direction  they  take  for  the  wedding  journey  from 
the  knowledge  of  their  friends  he  keeps  their  secret. 

MASTER  OF  CEREMONIES. 

From  among  the  ushers,  all  of  whom  are  se- 
lected by  the  bride,  one  is  chosen  to  be  master  of 
ceremonies.  He  is  at  the  church  early,  in  order  to 
be  present  when  the  doors  are  opened,  as  the  indi- 
cations of  the  approaching  formalities  are  apt  to 
attract  a crowd  of  idlers.  He  takes  good  care  to 
place  the  white  ribbon  across  the  main  aisle  far 
enough  back  from  the  altar  to  give  sufficient  room 
for  the  invited  guests,  he  having  previously  been 
made  acquainted  with  the  number  expected.  Some- 
times an  arch  of  flowers  mounted  on  wire  netting 
by  the  florist  is  arranged  to  take  the  place  of  the 
white  ribbon.  He  sees  that  the  organist  is  at  his 
post,  and  that  his  list  of  compositions  to  be  played 


270 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


during  the  arrival  of  the  audience  is  properly  ar- 
ranged. He  also  sees  that  the  kneeling  stool — 
which  should  be  covered  with  white — is  properly 
adjusted. 

THE  USHER. 

After  everything  is  seen  to  be  in  readiness  for  the 
ceremony,  the  ushers  take  their  places  at  the  inner 
entrance  of  the  church  and  escort  the  ladies  to  their 
proper  seats.  The  usher  offers  a lady  his  right  arm, 
and  if  unacquainted  with  her,  inquires  if  she  be  a 
friend  of  the  bride  or  the  groom.  If  of  the  bride, 
he  places  her  upon  the  left  of  the  main  aisle;  if  of 
the  groom,  upon  the  right.  If  the  lady  is  attended 
by  a gentleman  he  follows  her  to  her  seat.  Ushers 
are  usually  acquainted  with  the  two  families  and 
know  where  to  place  the  nearer  and  where  the  re- 
moter kinspeople  of  the  bridal  party.  This  dispo- 
sition of  guests  places  the  father  or  guardian  of  the 
bride  at  the  proper  place  during  and  after  the  cere- 
mony. 

After  the  service  two  of  the  ushers  usually  hurry 
from  the  vestibule  of  the  church  to  the  residence  of 
the  bride,  to  be  in  readiness  to  receive  the  wedded 
pair. 

The  ushers,  after  the  service  at  the  church,  act 
as  attendants  of  the  bridesmaids  at  the  reception. 
They  wear  dark  frock  coats  and  light  trousers, 
light  neckties,  and  gloves  of  some  delicate  tint,  like 
pearl-gray  or  lavender,  to  match  the  trousers. 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS, 


271 


THE  COMING  OF  THE  BRIDE. 

When  the  bride  and  her  maids  have  arrived  and 
arranged  themselves  in  the  vestibule,  the  groom  and 
“best  man”  come  forth  from  the  vestry  and  wait 
at  the  altar,  the  organ  playing  softly  some  melody 
previously  chosen  by  the  bride.  The  ushers  usually 
walk  in  pairs  in  advance  of  the  ladies,  and  arrange 
themselves  at  the  right  of  the  two  waiting  gentle- 
men, whose  faces  are  turned  towards  the  advancing 
bride. 

Sometimes  the  bridesmaids  precede  and  some- 
times follow  the  bride — as  suits  her  taste — and  al- 
ways stand  at  her  left  side.  If  they  precede  her, 
two  or  four  little  boys,  dressed  as  pages,  may  follow 
to  carry  her  train,  or  carry  baskets  of  flowers,  which 
they  scatter  in  her  path  as  she  leaves  the  church, 
preceding  her  in  order  to  do  this.  If  the  maids  fol- 
low the  bride,  she  is  sometimes  preceded  by  two  or 
four  little  girls,  who  strew  her  path  to  the  altar 
with  flowers. 

COSTUME  OF  THE  BRIDE. 

The  bridal  costume  is  white,  high  corsage,  a long 
wide  veil  of  white  tulle  reaching  to  the  feet;  natural 
flowers  of  any  variety  she  prefers,  the  orange  blos- 
som being  no  longer  the  “only  flower.” 

She  leans  upon  the  arm  of  her  father  or  whoever 
is  to  give  her  away. 


272 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


COSTUME  OF  THE  BRIDESMAIDS. 

The  bridesmaids  dress  in  delicate  colors,  plainly 
but  prettily,  and  wear  no  trains.  Hats  that  are 
picturesque  and  perhaps  historic  in  style,  or  bonnets 
with  short  white  tulle  veils,  may  be  worn.  They 
carry  fans  or  baskets  of  flowers  of  any  tints  becom- 
ing to  their  complexions. 

It  is  not  uncommon  at  present  for  the  ladies  of 
bridal  parties  to  copy  a notable  picture  by  their 
garments  and  coiffures,  and  the  effect  is  usually 
charming.  If  the  gentlemen  would  also  copy  the 
same  picture  by  their  vestments  the  effect  would  be 
much  heightened. 

COSTUME  OF  THE  GENTLEMEN. 

If  the  wedding  is  by  day,  the  gentlemen  wear  a 
morning  dress,  which  consists  of  dark  coat  and  vest, 
light  trousers  and  a white  necktie.  It  is  optional 
with  the  groom  to  wear  gloves,  but  if  he  does,  they 
must  not  be  white  but  light.  English  bridegrooms 
in  high  life  wear  no  gloves.  If  the  ceremony  take 
place  in  the  evening,  full  dress  is  demanded  of  all 
the  gentlemen.  ‘H^o  man  ever  puts  on  a dress  coat 
before  his  seven  o’clock  dinner.” 

THE  BRIDE 

sometimes  carries  a prayer  book,  which  is  usually 
the  gift  of  a dear  friend,  and  always  a bouquet  or 
fan  of  delicate  white  flowers. 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


273 


As  she  reaches  the  lowest  altar  step  the  bride- 
groom advances,  takes  her  by  her  right  hand,  leads 
her  to  the  altar  where  they  both  kneel  a moment  in 
silent  devotion.  They  rise,  the  ceremony  proceeds, 

THE  RING 

being  a customary  part  of  the  service.  Instead  of 
removing  the  glove  as  formerl}^  the  finger  of  the 
left-hand  glove  is  so  cut  that  it  can  be  turned  back, 
thus  baring  the  finger  which  is  to  receive  the  ring. 

“Blest  ornament!  how  happy  is  thy  snare. 

To  bind  the  saovvy  finger  of  my  fair, 

O,  could  I learn  thy  nice  concise  art, 

Now  as  thou  bindest  her  finger,  bind  her  heart.” 

The  ring  has  been  used  for  betrothal  and  mar- 
riage ceremonies  for  so  many  centuries  that  the  date 
of  the  origin  of  the  custom  is  not  known.  The 
ring  has,  in  different  ages,  been  the  symbol  of 
power,  of  slavery,  of  reconciliation,  of  friendship 
and  of  love. 

In  the  older  countries,  a plain  gold  ring,  with 
date  and  inscription,  is  given  to  the  woman,  as  a 
sign  of  betrothal,  and  the  same  ring  is  again  used 
at  the  marriage,  after  which  a jeweled  ring  is  added 
to  guard  this. 

If  a diamond  betrothal  or  “engagement  ring”  is 
given  the  lady,  care  is  taken  that  the  stone  shall  be 
flawless,  however  small  it  may  be. 


274 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


MAN  AND  WIFE. 

After  the  ceremony  the  clergyman  congratulates 
the  bride  and  groom,  but  he  does  not  kiss  the  bride 
as  formerly.  This  would  now  be  in  bad  form.  The 
pair  walk  down  the  aisle,  arm  in  arm,  and  are 
immediately  conducted  to  the  carriage  and  driven 
home. 

AT  HOME. 

The  two  ushers  who  have  preceded  the  company 
to  the  residence  of  the  bride,  receive  them  there. 

The  bridal  party,  with  half  the  maids  at  the  right 
of  the  lady  and  half  at  the  left  of  the  groom,  take 
their  positions  for  the  usual  congratulations.  The 
parents  of  the  bride  stand  at  her  right,  those  of  the 
groom  at  her  left,  unless  they  receive  in  another 
room. 

As  the  guests  arrive,  the  ushers  offer  their  right 
arms  to  the  ladies,  to  conduct  them  to  the  married 
pair.  The  gentlemen  attendants  of  the  ladies  fol- 
low. After  congratulations  are  offered,  the  usher 
conducts  them  to  the  parents  of  the  wedded  pair 
and  introduces  them. 

If  ladies  present  are  unattended  by  gentlemen, 
and  the  reception  is  large,  an  usher  attends  each 
lady  to  the  breakfast  room  and  sees  that  she  is 
properly  served.  If  the  company  is  small  and  the 
entertainment  is  a “sit  down”  breakfast  with  cards 
of  location,  an  escort  is  provided  for  each  lady. 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  .275 

The  host  sits  at  one  side  of  the  table,  the  hostess 
at  the  other,  the  bride  at  his  right,  the  groom  at  her 
left. 

PREPARING  FOR  AND  STARTING  UPON  THE  JOURNEY. 

After  breakfast  the  bride  and  groom  retire  to 
their  respective  dressing  rooms  and  exchange  the 
wedding  garments  for  their  traveling  dress. 

If  a reception  is  given,  the  bridal  pair  retire  be- 
fore the  guests  depart.  In  any  case,  they  take  leave 
of  no  one. 

The  bridesmaids,  ushers  and  a few  specially  in- 
vited friends  remain  to  see  them  properly  started 
upon  their  journey  through  life,  by  throwing  rice 
and  worn  slippers  after  the  carriage.  Should  a 
slipper  happen  to  alight  upon  the  carriage  it  is 
taken  as  a good  omen. 

WEDDINGS  AT  HOME. 

Weddings  at  home  differ  little  from  those  at 
church.  The  music,  the  disposition  of  the  relatives 
and  friends,  the  entrance  and  position  of  the  bridal 
party,  duties  of  ushers,  etc.,  are  just  the  same.  If 
desired,  an  altar  of  flowers  and  the  place  for  kneel- 
ing can  be  arranged  at  home.  A high  fender  or  rail- 
ing concealed  by  flowers  or  greenery  can  be  used. 
It  requires  only  space  enough  behind  the  altar  for 
the  clergyman  to  stand.  Other  floral  decorations 
can  be  easily  and  artistically  arranged. 


2/6  THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  marriage  ceremony,  the 
party  turn  in  their  places,  so  as  to  face  their  friends 
and  receive  congratulations. 

QUIET  WEDDINGS. 

Marriage  can,  of  course,  be  solemnized  with  very 
little  formality.  This  depends  upon  the  circum- 
stances and  inclination  of  the  bride’s  family.  It  is 
much  better  and  more  sensible  to  dispense  with 
show}^  formalities,  than  to  go  beyond  one’s  means. 

Many  brides  are  married  in  traveling  dress  and 
hat  and  leave  immediately  after  the  ceremony  with- 
out congratulations. 

Many  others  dispense  with  the  “bridal  trip,”  go- 
ing immediately  to  their  own  homes  which  loving 
hands  or  their  own  industry  has  prepared  for  them. 

AT  HOME. 

If  the  newly  wedded  commence  life  in  a home 
of  their  own,  it  is  customary  to  issue  ‘‘at  home” 
cards  for  a few  mornings  or  evenings  at  no  distant 
date,  unless  the  marriage  occur  in  early  summer, 
when  these  informal  receptions  are  postponed  until 
autumn.  Only  such  persons  are  invited  as  the 
young  people  choose  to  keep  as  friends,  or  perhaps 
only  those  whom  they  can  afford  to  retain.  It  is 
an  easy  and  sensible  opportunity  for  carefully  re- 
arranging one’s  social  list,  because  there  are  limita- 
tions to  hospitality,  which  are  frequently  more 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


277 


necessary  than  agreeable.  This  list  of  old  friends 
and  acquaintances  cannot  be  too  seriously  consid- 
ered, and  no  moment  is  so  favorable  as  at  the  be- 
ginning of  house-keeping.  This  custom  of  arrang- 
ing a fresh  list  is  admitted  as  a social  necessity  and 
nobody  is  offended.  The  omission  of  reception 
cards  is  taken  as  a communicative  and  intelligent 
silence,  which  may  cause  regret  but  it  cannot  give 
offense.  It  only  says  that  the  new  household  has 
doubled  its  kinspeople  and  friends  by  uniting  two 
families.  That  is  all. 

These  “at  home”  cards  are  of  medium  size  and 
fine  in  quality.  A note  may  be  used  if  preferred; 
but  the  card  is  more  convenient.  The  following  is 
the  accepted  style: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Willis  Cumberland, 

AT  HOME, 

Tuesday  evenings  in  September, 
from  half- past  eight  until  eleven  d clock, 

57  High  Street. 

On  these  occasions  the  bride  wears  a reception 
toilet  and  the  groom  is  in  full  evening  dress. 

This  form  of  card  is  also  used  if  the  wedding  has 
been  very  quiet. 

announcement. 

Where  the  wedding  has  been  private  or  informal, 
during  the  absence  of  the  pair,  the  family  of  the 


2/8  THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 

bride  sometimes  issues  an  announcement  of  the 
marriage  to  all  their  friends  and  acquaintances. 

These  notes  are  engraved  and  sent  in  two  en- 
velopes. The  form  is  thus: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  William  Archer 
announce  the  marriage  of  their  daughter. 

Miss  Blanche  Elizabeth, 
to 

Mr.  John  Willis  Cumberland, 

Tuesday,  June  loth,  i8po. 

46  Grand  Avenue,  Des  Moines. 

The  recipients  of  these  announcements  send  a 
note  of  congratulation  to  the  parents  of  the  bride 
and  if  sufficiently  intimate  to  the  wedded  pair. 

If  there  , has  been  no  wedding  reception,  the 
mother  of  the  bride  usually  gives  one  to  them.  The 
notes  or  large  cards — either  may  be  used — are  en- 
graved as  follows: 

Mrs.  William  Archer, < 

Mrs.  John  Willis  Cumberland. 

AT  HOME, 

Tuesday,  November  Twelfth, 
from  three  until  ten  o'clock. 

46  Grand  Avenue. 

If  the  reception  is  given  only  in  the  evening,  the 
invitations  will  be  issued  in  the  name  of  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  William  Archer,  the  same  envelope  enclos- 
ing a separate  card  bearing  the  name  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Willis  Cumberland. 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


279 


CARDS  DURING  MOURNING. 

Where  a marriage  occurs  during  a time  of  family 
mourning,  or  a misfortune,  it  is  customary  to  issue 
cards  simply  bearing  the  name  of  the  married  party 
with  the  new  address,  enclosing  a separate  card 
upon  which  is  engraved  the  maiden  name  of  the 
bride. 

MARRIAGE  CEREMONY  OF  A WIDOW. 

The  marriage  ceremony  of  a widow  differs  only 
in  the  not  wearing  of  a veil  and  the  orange  blos- 
soms. (Orange  flowers  are  permitted  to  be  worn 
only  by  young  ladies  at  the  altar  and  never  again 
after  that.)  She  may  be  costumed  in  white,  and 
have  the  maids  if  she  pleases.  This  liberty  has 
been  given  her  only  recently,  and  refined  taste  will 
guide  her  in  these  matters.  On  her  wedding  cards 
of  invitation,  her  maiden  name  is  used  as  a part 
of  her  proper  name;  this  is  but  respect  to  her  par- 
ents. Having  dropped  the  initials  of  her  deceased 
husband  when  she  lays  aside  her  crepes,  she  uses 
her  own  Christian  name.  If  she  have  sons  or  un- 
married daughters  at  the  time  she  becomes  again  a* 
wife,  she  prefixes  the  last  name  of  her  children  to 
her  new  one.  on  all  ceremonious  occasions  in  which 
they  are  interested  in  common  with  herself.  This 
respect  is  really  due  to  them  and  etiquette  permits 
it,  although  our  social  usages  do  not  imperatively 


2 8o  the  etiquette  of  weddings. 

command  its  adoption.  It  is  proper  for  her  to  re- 
move her  first  wedding  ring. 

Of  course  the  formalities  which  follow  the  mar- 
riage of  a widow  can  seldom  be  regulated  in  the 
same  manner  as  those  of  a younger  bride.  Cir- 
cumstances must  control  the  entertainments  'vhich 
follow  the  marriage,  and  no  fixed  forms  can  be  ar- 
ranged for  them.  A quiet  taste  and  refined  senti- 
ments are  the  best  regulators  of  these  civilities. 

WEDDING  presents. 

Bridal  gifts  are  now  seldom  exhibited,  and  the 
few  friends  who  are  permitted  to  look  at  them,  ex- 
amine them  only  after  the  cards  are  removed,  so 
that  a token  of  love  may  not  be  suspected  of  osten- 
tation, nor  one  of  display  have  its  real  motives 
recognized  to  dishonor  the  gifts  of  sincere  affection. 

The  presents  of  usefulness,  such  as  silver,  furni- 
ture, linen,  etc.,  may  not  be  given  by  those  outside 
the  family  circle.  Books,  pictures,  anything  that 
will  be  an  acknowledgment  of  the  refined  tastes  of 
the  recipients,  may  be  contributed  by  those  outside 
the  family. 

The  wedding  gift  with  the  funeral  bouquet  has 
fallen  into  disrepute.  The  reasons  suggest  them- 
selves to  thinking  people. 

Gifts  are  sent  at  any  time  within  two  months  of 
the  wedding.  The  gifts  which  are  sent  to  the  bride, 
such  as  silver,  linen,  etc.,  are  marked,  if  inscribed 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  28 1 

at  all,  with  her  maiden  name  ; those  of  the  groom 
with  his  cipher  or  initial.  The  bride  acknowledges 
by  note,  within  a month,  with  her  own  hand,  every 
gift  which  she  receives.  Sometimes  she  carries,  or 
is  followed  on  her  wedding  journey  by  a list  of  her 
presents,  so  that  she  may  thank  the  givers  as  early 
as  possible. 

GIFTS  OF  THE  GROOM. 

The  groom  generally  presents  some  souvenir  of 
the  occasion  to  the  bridesmaids  and  the  ushers,  and 
ingenuity  is  put  to  the  test  to  contrive  some  simple 
but  enduring  novelty.  Fans,  rings,  bangles,  min- 
iatures, prayer-books,  lamps,  etc.,  are  given  to  the 
maids,  and  canes,  scarf-pins,  sleeve-buttons  and 
spurs  are  among  the  things  thought  of  for  the 
ushers,  as  a slight  acknowledgment  of  their  services^ 

GIFTS  OF  THE  BRIDE. 

The  bouquets  of  the  bridesmaids  and  the  bouton- 
nieres of  the  ushers  are  the  gift  of  the  bride.  If 
she  desire  an  unusual  fashion  or  fabric  for  the 
maids’  toilet,  she  provides  these  also. 

ORDER  OF  ENTERING  THE  CHURCH. 

The  entry  of  the  bridal  party  to  the  church  may 
be  varied  to  suit  the  taste,  but  care  must  be  taken 
to  avoid  dramatic  effects,  while  trying  to  be  pictur- 
esque and  impressive.  Instead  of  the  formality 

described  in  this  chapter  the  following  order  may 
19 


282 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


be  observed:  The  bridesmaids  first  pass  up  the 

aisle,  each  leaning  upon  the  arm  of  a gentleman; 
they  turn  at  the  altar,  the  ladies  going  to  their  left 
and  the  gentlemen  going  to  the  right.  The  groom 
follows,  bearing  his  destined  mother-in-law  on  his 
arm,  whom  he  seats  in  a convenient  front  pew  at  his 
left.  The  bride  follows,  clinging  to  the  arm  of  her 
father,  or  nearest  of  kin  in  case  she  has  no  father. 
At  her  left,  and  a step  or  two  back  of  her,  her 
father  waits  until  asked  to  give  her  away,  which  he 
does  by  taking  her  right  hand  and  placing  it  in  that 
of  the  clergyman.  After  this  brief  but  important 
formality,  he  joins  the  lady  who  entered  with  the 
groom  and  becomes  her  escort.  The  father  and 
mother  pass  out  of  the  church  just  behind  the 
bridal  company. 

Where  there  are  no  bridesmaids  or  ushers,  the 
order  of  the  ceremonies  is  as  follows:  The  mem- 

bers of  the  bride’s  family  set  off  before  the  bride. 
She  follows  with  her  mother.  The  bridegroom 
awaits  them  and  gives  his  arm  to  the  mother. 
They  walk  up  the  aisle  to  the  altar,  the  mother 
falling  back  to  her  position  on  the  left.  The  father 
or  relatives  representing  the  father,  conduct  the 
bride  to  the  bridegroom,  who  stands  at  the  altar 
steps  with  his  face  turned  toward  her  as  she  ap- 
proaches, and  the  father  falls  back  to  the  left.  The 
relatives  follow,  taking  their  places  standing,  those 
of  the  bride  to  the  left,  those  of  the  groom  to  the 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  283 

right,  as  previously  arranged  in  rehearsal  — for  a 
rehearsal  should  always  precede  the  ceremony  by  a 
day  or  two.  The  bride  stands  on  the  left  of  the 
groom.  They  kneel  at  the  altar  a moment,  they 
rise,  she  turns  back  the  finger  of  her  left  glove 
— which  has  previously  been  cut — to  receive  the 
ring  ; he  removes . the  glove  from  his  right  hand. 
The  service  begins,  the  father  of  the  bride  giving 
her  away  by  bowing  when  the  question  is  asked, 
instead  of  stepping  forward  and  placing  her  hand  in 
that  of  the  clergyman. 

Perfect  self-control  is  necessary  to  the  dignity  of 
any  ceremony ; public  exhibitions  of  feeling  must 
not  be  indulged. 

The  bride  leaves  the  altar,  taking  the  groom’s 
right  arm.  They  pass  down  the  aisle  without  look- 
ing to  the  right  or  the  left.  Acquaintances  must 
not  be  recognized  while  in  the  church. 

The  bridal  pair  drive  away  in  their  own  carriage, 
the  rest  of  the  company  following  in  carriages. 

Still  another  form  of  entry  to  the  church  is  as 
follows:  When  the  bridal  party  has  arranged  itself 

for  entrance,  the  ushers  enter  in  pairs,  march 
slowly  up  to  the  altar  and  turn  to  the  right,  keep- 
ing step  to  the  music.  Behind  them  follows  the 
groom  alone.  When  he  reaches  the  altar  he  turns 
and  faces  the  aisle,  awaiting  the  coming  of  the 
bride.  After  a very  slight  interval,  the  brides- 
maids follow  him,  in  pairs  if  there  be  but  few,  and 


284  the  etiquette  of  weddings. 

they  turn  to  the  left.  Another  brief  interval,  a'nd 
the  bride,  alone  and  entirely  veiled,  with  her  eyes 
cast  down,  follows.  The  groom  comes  forward  a 
few  steps  to  meet  her,  takes  her  hand  and  places 
her  at  the  altar.  Both  kneel  for  a moment.  The 
parents  of  the  bride  having  followed  her,  stand  be- 
hind her  and  slightly  to  the  left.  The  service  pro- 
ceeds as  usual.  All  churches  use  the  ring  and  vary 
the  sentiments  of  its  adoption  to  suit  the  customs 
and  ideas  of  their  own  rites.  Passing  out  of  the 
church,  the  bridal  pair  go  first,  the  maids  follow 
slowly,  each  leaning  upon  the  arm  of  an  usher. 

STREWING  FLOWERS. 

Among  the  pleasant  variations  to  the  solemnity 
of  church  weddings,  which  etiquette  heartily  ap- 
proves, although  it  does  not  prescribe  it,  is  the 
strewing  of  flowers  in  the  path  of  the  young  couple 
as  they  go  away  from  the  altar.  Little  girls  with 
baskets  of  blossoms  rise  up  like  unsuspected  fairies 
while  the  clergyman  is  congratulating  the  bride,  and 
slowly  drop  roses  down  the  aisle  to  the  carriage. 
Sometimes  garlands  of  flowers  that  have  been  in- 
visible are  suddenly  seen  stretched  across  the  aisle 
at  brief  intervals  by  little  girls  who  stand  upon  the 
seats  at  the  ends  of  the  pews  and  lift  their  garlands 
high  in  the  air  to  wave  them  over  the  heads  of  the 
bridal  party. 

Sometimes,  instead  of  garlands,  they  toss  rose 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS.  285 

leaves  in  many  colors  from  the  same  high  position 
all  over  the  out-going  company.  “ Many  other  fan- 
ciful and  charming  devices  may  be  added  to  the 
brief  brightness  of  the  moment.” 

CALLS  OR  CARDS. 

Calls  or  card-leaving  by  every  guest  upon  the 
family  of  the  bride  is  a rigid  formality,  within  ten 
days  after  the  wedding. 

MARRIED  NAME. 

The  bride  drops  her  middle  name  if  she  desire 
to  do  so  and  takes  her  family  name  thus:  Mrs. 

Blanche  Archer  Cumberland,  or  she  may  sign  her- 
self Mrs.  John  Willis  Cumberland,  or  Mrs.  J.  W. 
Cumberland.  Each  has  its  advantages.  If  she 
has  been  prominent  in  any  way,  socially  or  profes- 
sionally, she  retains  her  identity  by  the  first  method; 
it  also  enables  acquaintances  to  keep  trace  of  her — 
the  memory  of  man  is  not  infallible  and  friends  be- 
come scattered  far  and  wide.  If  the  lady  should 
become  a widow,  she  would  lay  aside  her  husband’s 
initials  with  her  mourning  garments,  although  there 
are  exceptions  to  this  rule.  The  widow  of  General 
Sherman’s  brother,  James,  retained  his  Christian 
name  as  long  as  she  lived. 

WEDDING  COSTUMES  IN  ENGLAND  AND  FRANCE. 

Nothing  black  is  permissible  at  a wedding  in 
England.  In  France  the  mothers  of  the  bride  and 


286 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  WEDDINGS. 


bridegroom  frequently  wear  black  velvet  gowns  and 
black  lace  bonnets,  with  some  bright  color  in  the 
garniture  of  both  gowns  and  bonnets,  and  the  bride- 
groom is  married  in  full  evening  dress,  although  the 
bride  wears  high  corsage  and  long  sleeves. 

WHAT  THE  BRIDEGROOM  PAYS  FOR. 

The  bridegroom  presents  the  bride  with  the  wed- 
ding ring  and  her  bouquet,  and  makes  her  any 
present  he  desires  and  can  afford.  But  he  does  not 
furnish  the  cards  or  carriages  (except,  of  course, 
his  ownj  nor  the  wedding  breakfast;  this  is  done  by 
the  family  of  the  bride.  As  has  before  been  stated 
he  presents  the  bridesmaids  and  ushers  with  some 
trifling  souvenir.  It  should  also  be  stated  that  he 
pays  the  clergyman’s  fee  and  of  course  for  the  mar- 
riage license. 

MARRIAGE  FEES. 

It  is  frequently  asked  how  much  the  bridegroom 
should  pay  the  officiating  clergyman.  A rich  man 
may  give  any  sum  from  five  to  five  hundred  dollars, 
according  as  his  liberality  dictates.  • A man  of  mod- 
erate means  may  give  from  five  to  twenty  dollars. 

FIXING  THE  WEDDING  DAY. 

It  is  the  privilege  of  the  bride’s  mother  to  name 
the  wedding  day. 

Let  me  say  before  leaving  this  interesting  subject 
that  I have  tried  to  give  all  the  details  of  a showy 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  V/EDDINGS.  287 

wedding  ceremony  for  the  guidance  of  those  who 
may  need  them,  as  well  as  the  necessary  formalities 
of  all  weddings;  a certain  amount  of  formality  is 
necessary  to  make  the  marriage  contract  legal;  yet 
a man  and  woman  may  be  married  in  the  presence 
of  a few  friends,  or  of  one  or  two  friends,  and  start 
on  life’s  journey  as  auspiciously  as  many  who  make 
more  show.  For  those  who  cannot  afford  the  “pomp 
and  pageantry”  it  is  downright  dishonesty  to  indulge 
themselves  in  it.  I have  known  brilliant  church 
weddings  to  cause  the  parents  of  the  bride  sleepless 
nights  of  anxiety  and  months  of  pinching  economy, 
yet  neither  the  bride  nor  the  mother  had  the  moral 
courage  to  depart  from  the  usages  of  their  set. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES. 


celebration  of  the  anniversaries  of  the 
wedding  day  by  noticeable  festivities,  is  not 
so  popular  as  formerly.  It  is  a beautiful  cus- 
tom to  remember  the  birthdays  and  the  wedding 
days  in  the  family  with  the  tried  and  true  hearts 
gathered  around  the  festal  board.  There  is  a deli- 
cate expression  of  love  and  good  will  in  the  little 
souve7ii7^s  that  are  presented  by  the  members  of  the 
family,  to  the  ones  in  whose  honor  the  quiet  but 
hearty  good  cheer  is  given.  But  the  liberal  dona- 
tions made  to  the  house-furnishing  by  friends  and 
neighbors  upon  these  anniversary  occasions,  and 
the  ostentatious  display  of  costly  gifts,  have  caused 
the  refined  and  delicate-minded  to  refrain  from 
celebrating,  as  was  once  the  custom,  by  inviting 
friends  and  acquaintances  from  far  and  near. 

The  value  of  a gift  is  measured  by  the  motive  of 
the  giver.  If  that  m.otive  is  to  advertise  his  wealth, 
or  to  vie  with  a neighbor  in  display,  or  to  place  the 
recipient  under  obligation,  he,  the  recipient  is  hu- 
milated;  and  to  be  obliged  to ‘have  “No  presents” 
engraved  upon  his  cards,  seems  to  him  like  an  ex- 
pression of  doubt  as  to  the  sincerity  of  his  friends’ 

^288) 


WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES. 


289 


professions.  So  he  would  rather  confine  his  hospi- 
talities on  these  dates  to  the  limits  of  his  immedi- 
ate family.  And  yet  there  are  many  who  still  make 
great  rejoicings  on  the  wedding  anniversaries. 

While  the  giving  of  costly  presents  is  discounte- 
nanced by  the  sensitive  and  the  refined,  many  valu- 
able gifts  are  the  tokens  of  sincere  and  honest 
regard  and  there  are  those  who  still  insist  upon 
thus  decorating  for  their  friends,  the  mile-stones  on 
life’s  journey. 

FANCIFUL  NAMES  OF  MARRIAGE  ANNIVERSARIES. 

The  marriage  anniversary  which  falls  after  the 
first  year  is  called  a “cotton  wedding;”  at  the  end 
of  the  second  year  it  is,  “paper;”  third  year,  “leather;” 
the  fifth  year  it  is  called  “wooden;”  the  seventh, 
“woolen;”  the  tenth,  “tin;”  twelfth  year,  “ silk  and 
fine  linen;”  fifteenth  year,  “crystal;”  twentieth, 
“china;”  twenty-fifth,  “silver;”  thirtieth,  “pearl;” 
fortieth,  “ ruby ;”  fiftieth,  “golden;”  sixtieth,  “dia- 
mond.” Some  place  the  last  or  “diamond  wed- 
ding” after  the  pair  have  lived  together  for  seventy- 
five  years.  There  are  very  few  “couples”  who 
live  together  so  many  years  as  husband  and  wife. 

While  only  the  “tin,”  the  “silver,”  and  the  “gol- 
den” wedding  are  given  much  prominence  in  the 
memorable  days  of  a life,  there  are  many  who 
celebrate  the  lesser  days. 


290 


WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES. 


THE  PAPER  WEDDING. 

The  invitations  were  formerly  issued  on  a colored 
paper,  representing  thin  card-board.  The  presents 
are  entirely  of  articles  made  of  paper,  such  as 
books,  note-paper  and  envelopes,  sheet  music,  en- 
gravings, and  sets  of  toy  furniture  made  of  paper. 

THE  LEATHER  WEDDING 

besides  the  merriment  of  the  company,  calls  out 
gifts  of  leather;  belts,  shoes,  slippers,  hand-bags, 
shawl-straps,  are  among  the  articles  provided  for  the 
occasion.  The  invitations  used  to  be  printed  upon 
leather  cards,  but  this  is  a thing  of  the  past.  In- 
deed these  “ minor”  anniversaries  are  now  seldom 
kept,  except  by  the  family. 

THE  WOODEN  WEDDING. 

The  invitations  to  this  wedding  used  to  be  written 
upon  thin  cards  of  wood.  Or  they  were  written 
upon  wedding  note-paper  and  a wooden  card  en- 
closed. 

The  presents  appropriate  for  this  date,  are 
wooden  articles,  usually  some  nice  piece  of  wood- 
carving, such  as  a picture-frame,  a screen,  a chair, 
or  any  inexpensive  ornament  made  of  wood. 

THE  TIN  WEDDING. 

The  invitations  to  this  anniversary  celebration, 

- are  similar  to  other  wedding  invitations.  Those 


WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES. 


291 

who  desire  to  accompany  their  congratulations  with 
material  expressions,  often  have  articles  manufac- 
tured of  tin  expressly  for  the  occasion;  such  as  tin 
fans,  tin  chandeliers,  tin  card-receivers  and  any 
other  objects  which  the  inventive  genius  of  the  don- 
ors may  suggest. 

THE  CRYSTAL  WEDDING. 

Next  comes  the  crystal  wedding — on  the  fifteenth 
anniversary.  The  presents  appropriate  to  remind 
the  wedded  pair  how  many  miie-stones  they  have 
passed,  are  of  glass,  and  include  such  articles  of  orna- 
ment as  suggest  themselves  to  the  refined  taste  of 
the  donor. 


THE  CHINA  WEDDING. 

The  name  indicates  the  character  of  the  tokens 
of  respect  presented  to  the  bride  and  groom  of 
twenty  years  standing.  Vases,  mantel  ornaments, 
articles  for  the  toilet  stand,  and  from  near  relatives, 
even  the  dining  and  tea-tables  may  receive  acces- 
sions to  their  furnishings. 

THE  SILVER  WEDDING. 

The  silver  wedding,  or  twenty-fifth  anniversary, 
is  quite  generally  made  the  occasion  for  rejoicing  in 
which  the  friends  and  acquaintances  of  the  family 
are  invited  to  participate.  The  host  and  hostess 
secure  as  many  guests  as  are  living  and  within  reach, 


292 


WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES. 


from  those  who  attended  their  wedding.  The  wed- 
ding garments,  or  at  least  so  much  of  them  as  re- 
main, are  worn.  It  may  be  on4y  a fan  or  a ribbon, 
or  a piece  of  lace,  or  it  may  be  the  whole  dress. 
If  possible  the  clergyman  who  performed  the  mar- 
riage ceremony  is  present. 

The  present  style  of  cards  of  invitation  to  an 
anniversary  party,  are  the  same  as  to  any  ordinary 
entertainment.  The  invitations  may  be  and  are 
unusally  engraved  in  script,  though  sometimes  they 
are  printed  in  silver.  One  formula  is  in  the  follow- 
ing style: 

1865  1890 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Whitcomb 
i^equest  the  pleasure  of  your  presence 
on  Wednesday,  December  twenty-third, 
at  eight  o'  clock. 

Silver  Wedding. 

James  Whitcomb.  Anna  Cary. 

Another  form  is  the  following: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  George  Riley, 
on  the  twenty-fifth  anniversary  of  their  marriage, 
Tuesday  evening,  November  tenth, 
at  half- past  eight  o'clock. 

No  gifts  received.  36  High  Street. 

In  acknowledging  the  invitation,  either  to  accept 
or  decline,  kind  congratulations  are  added  in  such 
words  as  the  feelings  of  the  writer,  governed  by  his 


WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES. 


293 


acquaintance  or  intimacy  with  the  givers  of  the  en- 
tertainment, dictate. 

The  clergyman  returns  thanks  for  the  prolonged 
life  of  the  pair,  with  other  impressive  formalities, 
sometimes  repeating  the  marriage  ceremony. 

After  the  clergyman  has  completed  his  part  of 
the  ceremony,  the  near  kinspeople  offer  congratula- 
tions first,  then  other  guests  follow. 

When  a formal  supper  is  provided,  the  host  and 
hostess  lead  together,  and  the  guests  follow  as  at 
an  ordinary  party. 

If  there  is  dancing,  the  bride  and  groom  lead  the 
first  set,  which  is  usually  a cotillon.  The  guests 
take  leave  before  midnight,  after  having  expressed 
wishes  for  many  more  years  of  health  and  happi- 
ness to  the  host  and  hostess. 

The  formal  after-calls  are  obligatory  upon  all 
who  are  invited. 

Mere  acquaintances  will  not  take  the  risk  of  of- 
fending their  entertainers,  by  disregarding  the  in- 
junction, “ no  gifts  received,”  but  intimate  friends 
and  near  kinspeople,  do  take  this  liberty,  and  many 
inexpensive  as  well  as  some  costly  presents  are 
sent  before  the  entertainment. 

THE  GOLDEN  WEDDING. 

Golden  wedding:  The  very  words  suggest  sad- 

ness, but  it  ought  not  to  be  so.  The  pair  who  have 
climbed  the  hill  together,  through  sunshine  and 


294 


WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES. 


through  rain;  who  have  suffered  and  rejoiced  to- 
gether, through  a long  and  useful  life;  who  have 
had  time  and  experience  to  build  grand  and  noble 
characters  and  who  are  now  ready  to  hear  the 
cheerful  summons,  “Well  done,”  ought  to  rejoice 
and  give  thanks  to  the  Giver  of  all  good,  for  the 
life  that  is  past  and  its  opportunities,  and  for  the 
life  w^hich  is  to  come.  Yet  very  few  old  people  do 
rejoice,  and  very  few  old  people  care  to  celebrate 
their  golden  wedding  anniversary.  When  it  is 
done,  it  is  done  at  the  solicitation  of  the  younger 
kinspeople. 

When  the  fiftieth  marriage  anniversary  is  cele- 
brated, the  invitations,  the  ceremony  and  the  en- 
tertainment are  similar  to  those  of  the  silver  wed- 
ding, golden  being  substituted  for  silver,  in  the 
engraved  words,  and  golden  presents  are  brought  in 
place  of  silver. 


CHAPTER  XXm. 


CAUDLE  PARTIES,  CHRISTENINGS  AND 
BIRTHDAYS. 

■^P^TER  the  birth  of  a child  is  made  known — 
usually  through  the  newspapers  —friends  and 
^ acquaintances  call  and  send  in  their  cards,  or 
send  them  by  their  servants  or  other  messengers 
with  kind  inquiries. 

When  the  mother  is  ready  to  see  her  friends,  if 
she  wish  to  do  so,  she  sends  out  cards  to  a 
“caudle”  party.  This  is  usually  done  when  the 
babe  is  six  weeks  old,  often  to  the  injury  of  the 
young  mother.  Caudle,  a delicious  beverage  com- 
posed of  wine,  eggs,  sugar  and  spices,  is  given  the 
guests  to  drink,  hence  the  name  of  the  entertain- 
ment. A light  luncheon  is  also  served.  This  is  a 
modified  English  custom,  which  has  been  handed 
down  from  long  ago. 

The  mother  receives  her  friends  in  a pretty  tea 
gown  and  baby  is  the  hero  of  the  hour. 

The  caudle  party  and  the  christening  are  some- 
times, but  not  often,  held  together.  When  not 
held  at  the  same  time,  or  when  no  caudle  is  given, 
the  mother  issues  invitations  to  a reception,  at 
which  the  christening  takes  place. 

(295) 


296  CAUDLE  PARTIES,  CHRISTENINGS,  ETC. 

The  naming  of  a child  as  well  as  the  selecting  of 
god-parents,  is  an  important  matter.  The  selec- 
tion of  a name  which  a child  is  to  carry  through 
life  and  have  chiselled  upon  his  tomb-stone  after 
death,  may  well  cause  the  parents  to  “pause  and 
consider.”  How  many  poor  children,  when  they 
become  old  enough  to  appreciate  “ what’s  in  a 
name,”  would  gladly  go  back  to  this  event  in  their 
lives  .and  undo  what  loving  but  injudicious  parents 
have  done. 

One  has  suggested  that  we  cling  to  the  neutral 
names  of  William,  John,  Francis,  Charles,  Henry, 
Mary,  Sarah,  Arthur,  Edith,  etc.,  instead  of  bestow- 
ing such  philosophical  reminders  as  Francis  Bacon, 
or  such  dramatic  ones  as  William  Shakespeare  or 
Junius  Brutus  Booth;  or,  such  other  classifications, 
poetic,  religious,  patriotic,  romantic  or  reverential, 
as  are  suggested  by  Alfred  Tennyson  or  George 
Gordon  Noel  Byron;  Hezekiah,  George  Washing- 
ton, Olivia,  Patrick  or  Benjamin  Franklin,  on  the 
ground  that  the  contrast  suggested,  between  the 
original  owner  of  the  name  and  the  namesake,  is 
painfully  ludicrous. 

As  to  the  selection  of  god-parents,  there  was  a 
time  when  it  meant  much  more  than  it  does  to-day. 
With  some  exceptions,  it  is  little  more  than  a form. 
Where  the  charge  is  faithfully  accepted,  it  is  a 
solemn  thing. 


CAUDLE  PARTIES,  CHRISTENINGS,  ETC.  2gj 


THE  CHRISTENING 

is  usually,  though  not  always  associated  with  the 
baptism.  The  religious  part  of  the  ceremony  is 
performed  according  to  the  rites  of  the  church  to 
which  the  parents  belong,  and  the  christening  is 
thought  to  be  a good  time  to  dedicate  the  child  to 
the  service  of  their  peculiar  faith.  This  ceremony 
may  take  place  at  the  church  or  at  the  home. 

INVITATIONS 

are  issued  to  a reception  to  be  held  from  four  to  six 
o’clock  in  the  afternoon,  and  are  in  the  following  or 
a similar  formula: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Townsend  Magoun 
request  the  Jionor  of  your  presence  at  the: 
christening  of  their  daughter  \or  so}t\ 
at  five  d clock,  Thursday , December  sixth. 

Reception  from  four  to  six. 

203  Greenwood  Avenue. 

Prompt  acknowledgment  is  made  by  those  receiv- 
ing these  cards. 

A note  in  the  first  person  is  sent  to  the  friend 
whom  the  parents  wish  to  stand  sponsor  for  the 
child.  The  godparents  are  chosen  from  among  the 
friends  and  relatives  of  the  parents,  after  one  of 
whom  the  child  is  usually  named. 


20 


298  CAUDLE  PARTIES,  CHRISTENINGS,  ETC. 

GODPARENT  AND  GODCHILD. 

In  the  older  countries  the  relationship  between 
godparent  and  godchild  lasts  through  life,  a most 
tender  affection  sometimes  existing  between  them, 
and  a kindly  solicitude  for  the  child  is  held  by  the 
godparent.  A dear  little  Swiss  woman,  exhibiting 
her  jewels,  said,  with  tears  in  her  eyes:  “ Here  is  a 
brooch  given  me  by  my  godmother;  next  to  my 
own  mother's  jewels  I value  it  above  all  my  posses- 
sions.” Discussing  the  subject  she  said:  ‘/It  is  a 

beautiful  custom.  I wonder  you  Americans  do  not 
make  more  of  it.  With  us,  when  a young  girl  loses 
her  mother,  as  in  my  own  case,  she  still  has  a 
motherly  eye  to  watch  over  her,  and  in  many  cases 
a motherly  heart  to  love  her.” 

When  the  christening  formalities  are  held  at  the 
church  the  reception  is  given  at  the  home  after- 
wards. 

In  the  Episcopal  church  there  are  always  three 
sponsors  for  a child.  For  a boy  there  are  two  god- 
fathers and  one  godmother.  For  a girl  one  god- 
father and  two  godmothers.  This  the  rubrics  re- 
quire, but  the  reception  is  a matter  of  choice  with 
the  parents. 

In  most  if  not  all  other  churches  there  is  but  one 
godfather  and  one  godmother;  sometimes  only  a 
godmother  for  a girl  and  a godfather  for  a boy. 

The  sponsors  generally  give  some  little  gift,  as  a 


CAUDLE  PARTIES,  CHRISTENINGS,  ETC.  299 

silver  cup,  spoon,  knife  or  fork;  sometimes  the  god- 
mother gives  the  robe  and  cap. 

If  the  christening  is  held  entirely  at  home  the 
guests  arrive  before  five  o’clock,  in  reception  or  vis- 
iting toilets,  and  meet  the  host  and  hostess  just  as 
they  would  at  any  other  reception. 

The  house  is  decorated  with  flowers:  There  is 

always  music,  instrumental  or  vocal.  A temporary 
font  is  arranged  by  placing  a small  table  in  a prom- 
inent position  in  the  room,  and  in  the  center  of  the 
table  a glass  or  silver  goblet.  The  table  may  be 
draped  with  smilax  and  adorned  with  flowers,  or  it 
may  be  simply  covered  with  a dainty  spread. 

The  rites  are  quite  as  solemn  and  the  obligations 
just  as  binding  when  performed  amidst  plain  sur- 
roundings, but  the  brighter  and  more  beautiful  they 
can  be  made  the  better  for  all  present,  especially  for 
the  parents,  who  dedicate  their  child  to  the  influence 
of  “ The  Good,  the  True  and  the  Beautiful.”  This 
expression  is  used  in  at  least  one  church. 

At  five  o’clock  the  child  is  brought  to  the  parents, 
who  are  then  joined  by  the  sponsors.  If  it  be  a girl 
two  young  ladies  are  sometimes  selected  to  stand 
instead  of  a man  and  a woman. 

The  young  ladies  are  dressed  in  white.  Whoever 
stand  as  sponsors,  when  the  party  have  taken  their 
places  near  the  font,  the  parents  stand  in  the  cen- 
ter and  the  sponsors  on  either  side;  a hymn  is  sung 
and  the  rites,  according  to  the  church  of  the  officiat- 


300  CAUDLE  PARTIES,  CHRISTENINGS,  ETC. 


in^  clergyman,  are  gone  through.  Then  there  is 
music  and  a benediction,  after  which  the  parents 
receive  congratulations.  Refreshments  are  served 
as  at  any  afternoon  entertainment. 

BIRTHDAYS. 

Everywhere  in  the  United  States  the  giving  of 
children’s  birthday  parties  is  an  established  custom. 
There  is  nothing  more  helpful  to  the  littl©  ones  in 
establishing  a code  of  manners  and  confirming 
them  in  that  self-reliance,  ease  and  grace,  which  it 
is  the  mother’s  duty  to  constantly  insist  upon,  than 
these  annual  trainings.  Of  course  this  is  not  the 
object  of  birthday  parties,  but  if  in  giving  them 
pleasure  we  will  also  give  them  valuable  instruc- 
tion so  much  the  better. 

While  we  insist  that  a child’s  training  should  be- 
gin before  he  is  born,  and  that  the  mother  must 
never  relax  her  watchful  care  for  a moment,  and 
that  little  ones  must  be  polite  in  the  family  and  at 
home,  yet  there  is  a polish  obtainable  from  contact 
with  others  that  we  seldom  attain  without  it. 

We  have  adopted  the  Russian  style  of  announc- 
ing the  number  of  birthdays  our  darling  has  had — 
that  of  embedding  a wax  candle  for  each  year  in  a 
cake  made  for  the  purpose.  The  Russians  have  a 
birthday  cake-dish  constructed  with  sockets  around 
the  edge  or  rim,  into  one  of  which  an  additional 
candle  is  put  each  returning  birthday.  There  the 


CAUDLE  PARTIES,  CHRISTENINGS,  ETC.  3OI 

servants  prepare  the  cake  and  present  it  to  the  one 
in  whose  honor  the  birthday  breakfast  is  given  (ex- 
pecting and  receiving  a reward  or  remembrance.) 
The  breakfast  is  given  at  an  early  hour,  the  birth- 
days of  old  and  young  being  always  celebrated. 

Instead  of  the  breakfast  we  give  the  little  ones  a 
supper.  After  the  supper  the  one  who  is  celebrat- 
ing a birthday  cuts  the  cake  and  sends  by  the  ser- 
vant a piece  of  it  to  each  little  guest  before  they 
retire  from  the  table. 

After  supper  plays  and  dancing  are  the  amuse- 
ments. It  is  not  now  considered  in  good  taste  to 
make  presents  unless  it  be  a few  flowers  or  pos- 
sibl}^  a book. 

These  celebrations  are  continued  until  the  child 
enters  society,  when  they  are  discontinued  until  we 
become  “astonishingly  old,”  when  we  again  cele- 
brate, perhaps  in  gratitude  or  thanksgiving  for  the 
nearness  of  the  end  of  celebrations  for  us. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  SCHOOL-ROOM. 


-S  the  school  must  supplement  the  home  in 
the  bringing  up  of  children,  it  is  not  out  of 
place  here  to  remind  teachers  of  the  import- 
ance of  looking  to  the  manners  as  well  as  the 
morals  and  intellectual  training  of  those  under 
their  care. 

If  pupils  are  well  trained  at  home,  it  is  the 
teacher’s  duty  to  the  parents  to  see  that  their  teach- 
ing is  not  counteracted.  To  those  of  their  pupils 
who  have  no  home  training,  it  is  their  duty  to  the 
children  to  cultivate,  at  least,  common  civility. 

If  “manners  make  the  man,”  and  the  object  of 
education  is  to  fit  the  child  for  a life  of  usefulness, 
then  the  teaching  of  manners  should  begin  ‘with 
the  alphabet  and  end  with  graduation. 

Teachers’  certificates  should  include  examinations 
in  good  manners.  They  must,  of  course,  teach  by 
example  as  well  as  by  precept.  Treating  pupils 
politely  will  almost  always  call  out  politeness  from 
them. 

An  unintentional  act  of  rudeness  upon  the  part 
of  a child,  especially  of  one  ignorant  from  lack  of 

(302) 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  SCHOOL-ROOM.  303 

home  training,  should  be  reproved  privately  and 
gently.  It’s  self-respect  should  not  be  lowered  by 
a public  reprimand. 

Pupils  should  be  taught  to  address  the  teacher  as 
Miss  Brown  or  Mr.  Brown,  and  never  as  '‘Teacher.^’ 

They  should  answer  respectfully,  as  “Yes,  Miss 
Brown,  or  Yes  Ma’am,”  etc. 

Young  misses  should  be  addressed  by  the 
teacher  as  ‘‘Miss  Mary,  Miss  Gertrude.”  Young 
boys  under  fourteen  years  of  age  (some  say  under 
sixteen)  should  be  addressed  as  “Master  Jones,” 
etc.  After  that  age  they  are  entitled  to  the  title  of 
Mister. 

The  teacher  should  never  so  far  forget  the  dig- 
nity of  her  position  as  to  show  petulance  or  anger. 
She  arouses  the  same  feelings  in  the  children 
through  sympathy.  Nagging  and  scolding  harden 
the  little  ones  and  destroy  or,  at  least,  lessen  their 
respect  for  her. 

Pupils  should  be  obliged  to  treat  each  other  with 
politeness,  on  the  school-grounds  as  well  as  in  the 
building. 

Teachers  should  never  allow  pupils  to  treat  those 
of  a lower  station  in  life  with  disrespect.  Children 
have  been  driven  from  school  by  ridicule  of  their 
poor  clothes,  etc.  We  have  known  such  cases. 

Contradicting,  pulling,  pushing  and  ridiculing 
others  should  not  be  allowed,  and  if  one  uninten- 


304  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  SCHOOL-ROOM. 

tionally  runs  against  another,  he  should  be  taught 
to  beg  pardon  for  the  seeming  rudeness. 

Domineering  over  others  and  general  rowdyism 
should  be  discouraged. 

An  injurious  and  disgusting  habit,  that  of  chew- 
ing gum,  has  lately  sprung  up  among  our  children 
and  it  should  be  corrected,  not  only  by  all  teachers 
but  by  parents  and  guardians  as  well. 

Untruthfulness  should  not  be  tolerated,  and  the 
pupil  should  be  taught  that  slang  is  degrading. 

A teacher  should  not  consider  the  recess  time 
as  absolutely  her  own.  An  eye  on  the  childrens’ 
playground  often  prevents  serious  trouble,  and  still 
more  often  sees  many  little  defects  in  manners 
which  ought  not  to  be  passed  by  and  repeated. 

“Young  teachers  cannot  realize  with  what  fear 
and  dread  mothers  intrust  their  carefully-reared 
children  (especially  quite  young  ones)  to  their  care. 
It  is  intrusting  not  only  their  precious  bodies,  but 
their  manners  and  their  souls. 

“The  entire  atmosphere  of  a school-room  is  de- 
pendent upon  trifles.  Where  a teacher,  by  her 
own  action  and  in  accordance  with  her  require- 
ments, insures  kindness  and  politeness  from  all  to 
all,  she  may  feel  almost  sure  of  the  success  of  her 
school,  for  'Well  begun  is  half  won.’ 

“It  is  hardly  to  be  expected  that  young  pupils, 
say  boys  and  girls  from  eight  to  twelve  years  of 
age,  will  address  one  another,  upon  the  play- 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  SCHOOL-ROOM.  305 

grounds,  as  ‘ master  ’ and  ‘ miss,’  although  these 
titles  should  be  used  when  addressing  or  speaking 
of  one  another  in  the  school-room. 

“It  is  a common  occurence  for  a teacher  to 
speak  disrespectfully  of  a pupil’s  parents,  blaming 
them  for  the  pupil’s  lack  of  interest  in  school,  tru- 
ancy, etc.  Such  a course  is  highly  reprehensible  in 
the  teacher,  and  gains  the  pupil’s  ill-will.  It  is  bet- 
ter to  assume  that  the  parents  would  be  displeased 
with  anything  wrong  in  the  pupil,  and  to  appeal  to 
the  pupil  to  be  a man  for  his  mother’s  or  father’s 
sake.” 

“Good  teachers  make  good  scholars”  says  one, 
and  so  polite  teachers  make  polite  scholars. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

PROLONGED  VISITS. 


N England  one  invites  a friend  to  come  to  make 
a visit  on  a certain  day,  even  naming  the 
train  upon  which  he  is  expected  to  arrive,  and 
to  extend  his  visit  to  a certain  train  on  a certain 
other  day.  The  acceptance  or  refusal  must  be 
prompt.  This  is  all  as  it  should  be.  Here  we  let 
the  guest  fix  the  time  of  arrival  and  departure. 
However  we  are  beginning  to  adopt  the  English 
custom  in  some  places. 

The  European  “system  of  hospitality”  whose 
rules  are  understood  to  be  alike  binding  upon  host 
and  guest,  leaves  little  excuse  for  misunderstand- 
ings. 

To  write  out  or  fix  a set  of  rules  applicable  to 
hosts  and  guests  under  all  circumstances  and  in  all 
places  throughout  this  broad  land,  is  an  impos- 
sibility. But  there  are  some  general  laws  of 
hospitality  which  should  be  observed  by  enter- 
tainer and  entertained. 


HOST  AND  HOSTESS 

should  do  all  in  their  power  to  contribute  to  the 
comfort  and  amusement  of  guests  both  in  and  out 

(306) 


PROLONGED  VISITS. 


307 


of  the  house.  They  should  entertain  but  not  per- 
secute. They  should  permit  guests  as  much  peace 
and  leisure  as  they  desire.  Amusement  should  be 
proffered  but  not  urged  nor  insisted  upon.  True 
hospitality  does  not  insist  upon  anything. 

A polite  hostess  will  sacrifice  her  own  convenience 
for  the  sake  of  her  guests.  There  are  hostesses  so 
indolent  and  selfish  as  to  make  visiting  in  their 
households  a burden  rather  than  a pleasure. 

While  a hostess  must  keep  all  jarring  of  the  do- 
mestic machinery  in  the  back  ground,  she  must  not 
neglect  her  family  duties. 

“A  perfect  entertainer  never  confides  her  worries 
or  her  sorrows  to  an  abiding  guest,  much  less  will  she 
mention  them  to  one  whose  visit  is  to  be  brief  or  is 
only  casual.  It  would  be  laying  a burden  upon 
another  at  a season  when  the  sacredness  of  hospi- 
tality should  protect  him  from  every  unpleasant 
thought.” 

She  does  not  reprove  the  servants  or  the  children 
in  the  presence  of  visitors.  She  puts  guests  at  ease 
by  being  or  at  least  appearing  at  ease  herself.  She 
gives  them  a choice  of  hours  for  breakfast  or  should 
if  possible,  do  so. 

If  the  hostess  live  in  a country  neighborhood  and 
her  guest  does  not  wish  to  make  calls  or  go  to 
church  sociables,  she  should  take  no  offense  and 
should  go  without  her  if  she  herself  wishes  to  go. 
The  day  is  past  when  hostess  and  guest  must  be 


308 


PROLONGED  VISITS. 


together  every  minute,  or  when  the  one  must  feel 
that  she  is  entertaining  and  the  other  that  she  is 
being  entertained. 

A lady  when  sending  invitations  to  guests  men- 
tions the  time  when  she  will  expect  their  arrival  and 
the  length  of  the  visit,  and  when  the  time  comes  for 
their  departure  she  will  “speed  the  parting  guest,” 
as  a part  of  her  duties. 

The  hostess  sends  to  the  station  for  her  visitors, 
and  if  she  can,  meets  ladies  in  person  as  a mark  of 
friendship  and  not  of  etiquette.  The  luggage  is  at- 
tended to  at  the  station  by  the  servant,  and  after 
arriving  at  the  house,  the  visitor  is  detained  by 
conversation  a short  time  in  the  reception-room  to 
give  time  to  place  it  in  the  room  assigned  to  the 
guest.  The  hostess  is  not  expected  to  show  this 
room  herself,  but  sometimes  goes  with  her  guest  as 
a special  mark  of  welcome.  The  host  does  the 
same  for  a gentleman  visitor.  They  inform  their 
guests  of  the  hours  for  meals  and  leave  them  at 
liberty  to  adapt  themselves  to  the  customs  of  the 
house.  Everything  necessary  for  their  comfort,  is 
of  course  provided. 

When  they  depart,  if  it  be  by  an  earl}/  train  they 
take  leave  of  their  hosts  the  night  before. 

The  superior  hostess  appreciates  her  obligations 
and  possesses  the  fine  spirit  of  hospitality  which  in- 
spires one  to  bestow  pleasure  rather  than  seek  it. 
She  never  allows  her  guest  to  feel  that  she  is  an  in- 


PROLONGED  VISITS. 


309 


convenience,  but  manages  to  inspire  her  with  the 
belief  that  her  visit  has  been  a blessing. 

But  hostesses  are  not  all  superior.  There  are 
those  who  invite  guests  to  their  homes  from  motives 
other  than  sincere  hospitality.  And  yet  others  who 
mean  well,  but  who  lack  the  inate  refinement  neces- 
sary to  a charming  entertainer.  They  make  life  a 
burden  to  the  stranger  within  the  gates  by  officious 
fussiness;  complaining,  apologies  for  other  guests 
who  are  invited  at  the  same  time,  thus  confessing 
to  a lack  of  tact-  in  bringing  the  right  people  to- 
gether, or  in  knowing  what  to  do  with  them  after 
they  have  come  together.  To  such  we  would  say, 
it  would  be  better  not  to  invite  your  friends  to  make 
prolonged  visits. 

AS  A GUEST 

you  should  express  appreciation  of  any  effort  to 
entertain  you.  If  your  entertainers  propose  any 
amusement,  show  your  pleasure  by  falling  in  with 
their  plans  if  possible. 

Both  gentlemen  and  lady  visitors  should  be  able 
to  amuse  themselves  and  let  the  hostess  alone  dur- 
ing the  early  morning,  unless  rides,  drives,  walks  or 
other  out-door  entertainment  has  been  planned. 

Go  to  your  own  rooms  and  read,  write  letters, 
mend  your  gloves,  or  do  anything  to  rest  yourselves 
and  keep  out  of  the  way. 

If  your  hosts  place  at  your  disposal  their  horses, 


310 


PROLONGED  VISITS. 


carriage,  books,  piano,  etc.,  be  careful  not  to  abuse 
their  courtesy.  Don’t  ride  or  drive  too  fast  or  too 
far.  Don’t  pluck  rare  flowers — or  any  others  with- 
out permission.  Don’t  play  the  piano  if  it  will 
annoy  any  one  at  study. 

A thoughtful  guest  will  make  no  trouble  in  a 
house.  She  will  not  let  her  presence  disarrange  any 
plans  of  her  hostess.  She  will  never  be  late  to 
dinner,  nor  object  to  the  hour  at  which  meals  are 
served. 

Having  accepted  an  invitation  for  a stated  time, 
she  will  let  nothing  persuade  her  to  extend  it  beyond 
that  time.  She  may  for  good  reasons  shorten  the 
time.  If  well-bred  she  will  cheerfully  adapt  her- 
self to  the  customs  of  the  house. 

If  she  leave  by  an  early  morning  train,  she  will 
take  leave  of  her  hosts  the  night  before.  She  will 
thank  the  domestics  who  see  her  off,  for  their  atten- 
tion, and  they  will  expect  a material  recognition  in 
the  form  of  a “tip”.  It  is  courteous  also  to 
remember  the  maid  who  has  cared  for  her  room. 

Men  and  women  are  not  all  model  guests.  If 
one  accept  an  invitation  to  become  for  the  time 
being  a member  of  the  household  of  another,  she 
should  remember  that  her  obligations  as  guest  are 
quite  as  sacred  as  are  those  of  her  friend  as  hostess. 
If  she  forgets  this,  she  proclaims  herself  as  coarse 
or  ill-bred. 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 


SERVANTS— THEIR  DRESS  AND  DUTIES 


^I'^HE  discussion  of  the  causes  and  the  cure  of 
|j|  the  domestic  inharmony  which  exists  in  a 
^ large  majority  of  our  homes — supposed  to 
be  brought  about  by  the  tyranny  or  incapacity  of 
the  mistress  on  the  one  side,  and  the  ignorance 
and  “spirit  of  equality”  in  the  maid  on  the  other — 
we  leave  to  sociologists.  However,  we  may  be 
pardoned  an  occasional  suggestion  mixed  in  with 
observations  on  the  dress,  duties,  and  manners 
of  servants. 

In  any  other  occupation,  apprenticeship  or  train- 
ing of  some  sort  is  necessary  before  the  applicant 
for  employment  dreams  of  offering  his  services  or 
of  asking  remuneration  for  them,  but  in  that  most 
important  of  all  services,  upon  which  the  comfort 
and  happiness  of  the  household  depend,  the  maid 
will  take  charge  of  a department  of  your  “ domestic 
economy  (J)"'  with  the  effrontery  of  desperation. 

The  majority  of  our  servants  are  untrained, 
especially  in  politeness  and  obedience.  Some  will 
object  to  the  term  obedience,  but  it  is  a good  word 
and  “is  not  synonomous  with  obsequiousness,  the 

(311) 


312  SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 

latter  often  implying  meanness  or  servility,  and 
obedience  being  merely  a proper  submission  to 
authority.”  Not  long  since  a colored  girl,  serving 
refreshm^ents  at  an  afternoon  tea,  read  the  Declara- 
tion of  Independence  to  her  mistress  in  refusing  to 
wear  a cap,  “’Cause  Fse  jes  as  good  as  wite  folks 
and  you  haint  got  no  right  to  advetise  me  that 
a-way,  shore/  ’ and  she  asserted  the  Monroe  Doctrine 
by  declaring,  “I  don’t  want  none  o’  your  fureign 
customs  on  me.”  It  is  needless  to  say  that  she 
carried  her  point. 

servants’  dress. 

Says  the  author  of  the  “Bazar  Book  of  De- 
corum,” “ We  cannot  for  the  world  see  why  Bridget 
and  Katarina,  and  their  mistress  too,  indeed,  when 
the  occasion  requires,  should  not  dress  appropriately 
—to  their  spheres  we  do  not  say,  but  to  their  oc- 
cupations. They  would  be  gainers  in  every  respect 
— in  taste,  comfort,  convenience  and  economy.  It 
is  quite  a mistake  for  the  female  servant  to  suppose 
that  by  spending  her  money  in  gaudy  dress  and 
mock  finery  she  advances  her  social  position,  though 
with  her  rustling  silk  she  may  pass  in  the  dark,  or, 
coming  out  of  the  front  door  on  a Sunday,  be  taken 
at  a distance  for  her  mistress.  She  may  spend  a 
half  year’s  wages  on  a flimsy  bonnet;  it  will  not 
avail  her — the  sham  lady  will  still  be  manifest.  * 

A white  cap,  a close-fitting  jacket,  with  sleeves 


SERVANTS — THEIR  DRESS,  ETC.  3 I 3 

neither  so  tight  as  to  hinder  movement  nor  so  loose 
as  to  lap  up  the  gravy  or  sweep  off  the  sherry  glass, 
and  a short  plain  skirt  of  simple  stuff,  make  an 
appropriate  costume  for  the  household  servant. 

Any  one  who  has  seen  the  picture  of 
the  Chocolate  Girl  of  the  Dresden  Gallery  will  not 
doubt  of  the  picturesque  capabilities  of  a dress 
which  was  so  effective  in  this  particular  instance 
that  it  procured  a rich  and  titled  husband  for  the 
original  of  the  portrait.” 

Aside  from  the  orderliness  and  picturesqueness 
of  the  white  cap,  it  should  be  insisted  on  as  essen- 
tial to  cleanliness. 

In  regard  to  the  livery  of  servants,  Mrs.  Sher- 
wood, in  “ Manners  and  Social  Usages,”  says:  “In 
the  early  days  of  the  Republic,  before  Thomas  Jef- 
ferson tied  his  horse’ s rein  to  the  palings  of  the 
fence  and  sauntered  into  the  Capitol  to  be  in- 
augurated, the  aristocrats  of  the  various  cities  had 
a livery  for  their  servants.  But  after  such  a dash 
of  cold  water  in  the  face  of  established  usage  by 
the  Chief  Magistrate  of  the  country,  many  of  the 
old  forms  and  customs  of  colonial  times  fell  inta 
disuse,  and  among  others  the  wearing  of  a livery  by 
serving-men.  A constantly  declining  grade  of 
shabbiness  was  the  result  of  this,  as  the  driver  of 
the  horses  wore  a coat  and  hat  of  the  same  style 
as  his  master,  only  less  .clean  and  new.  Like 


21 


314  SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 

many  of  our  American  ideas  so  good  in  theory,  the 
outcome  of  this  attempt  at  ‘ Liberty,  Equality  and 
Fraternity,’  was  neither  conducive  to  neatness  nor 
elegance. 

But  so  strongly  was  the  prejudice  against  liveries 
instilled  into  the  public  mind  that  only  seven  years 
ago  (this  was  written  in  1877)  ^ gentleman  of  the 
most  aristocratic  circle  of  aristocratic  Philadelphia 
declared  that  he  refrained  from  having  a liveried 
servant  behind  his  carriage  from  fear  of  shocking 
public  opinion.  In  New  York  the  presence  of  a 
large  foreign  social  element  long  ago  brought  about 
a revolution  of  opinion  in  this  matter,  and  now 
most  persons  who  desire  a neat,  plain  and  appro- 
priate style  of  dress  for  their  coachmen  and  foot- 
men put  them  in  a livery  for  which  the  master  pays. 
Those  who  are  particular  in  such  matters  do  not 
allow  a waiter  or  a footman  to  wear  a mustache, 
and  require  all  men-servants  to  be  clean-shaven, 
except  the  coachman,  who  is  permitted  to  wear 
whiskers.  Each  must  have  his  hair  cut  short,  and 
the  waiter  must  wear  white  gloves  while  waiting  at 
table  or  when  handling  refreshments,  even  a glass 
of  water  on  a silver  salver  must  be  brought  with  a 
gloved  hand.” 

‘ ‘ The  housekeeper  usually  wears  a tiny  cap  or 
half  square  of  white  mull  or  lace,  a black  cashmere 
or  silk  dress,  and  in  the  morning  a black  silk  or  al- 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC.  315 

paca  apron,  or,  if  she  prefers  it,  a white  apron  of 
moderate  size. 

“The  nitrsery  governess  does  not  wear  a cap, 
but  she  usually  prefers  a gray,  brown  or  a black 
costume,  simply  but  neatly  made,  and  an  apron  of 
any  dainty  fabric  while  she  is  in  the  nursery.  When 
she  goes  out  to  drive,  or  to  walk  with  the  children, 
she  is  clothed  as  any  gentlewoman  may  be  who  is 
not  a devotee  to  society. 

“A  dining-room  and  parlor  maid,  if  there  is  or  is 
not  a butler,  wears  a light-colored  cotton  dress, 
neatly  and  simply  made,  a large  cambric  or  linen 
apron,  a muslin  cap  and  silent  shoes.  The  head 
nurse,  who  has  the  entire  care  of  the  infants  night 
and  day,  wears  soft  dark  wool  or  light-colored  cot- 
ton dresses,  large  aprons  and  ruffled  caps  with  an 
Alsatian  bow  in  front  and  long  ends  at  the  back. 

“The  butler  wears  a dress  suit  and  white  tie  at 
dinner  time,  and  the  footmen  are  dressed  in  a livery 
that  has  been  adopted  by  the  family.  All  the  men 
are  careful  to  wear  noiseless  house  shoes,  are 
smoothly  shaven,  brush  their  hair  in  tidy  fashion 
and  keep  it  cut  rather  short.  They  wear  fresh 
white  cotton  gloves  while  serving  at  table. 

“ Some  families  put  their  butlers  in  livery,  and 
this  house  dress  corresponds  with  that  of  the  coach- 
man in  its  hue,  its  buttons,  etc.  As  a general  thing, 
however,  Americans  do  not  ask  their  man  to  wear 


3i6  servants THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 

the  family  colors.  Liveries  are  furnished  by  the 
employer. 

“The  kitchen  sei'vants  dress  to  suit  their  own 
tastes,  but  the  mistresses  of  all  well-ordered  estab- 
lishments insist  upon  neat,  serviceable  and  suitable 
attire  throughout  the  house.  This  much  all  ser- 
vants owe  to  their  employers,  and  a considerate 
mistress  will  never  present  them,  with  her  cast-off 
fineries.  It  demoralizes  certain  characters,  and  is  an 
offense  to  the  self-respect  of  others.” — Social  Eti~ 
qitette  of  Nezv  York. 

THE  HOUSE-KEEPER  AND  HER  DUTIES. 

In  large  establishments  in  F'rance  and  England  a 
trained  house-keeper  is  an  absolute  necessity.  She 
is  a very  important  member  of  the  household. 
Here  trained  house-keepers,  like  trained  servants, 
are  scarce  and  difficult  to  procure. 

When  an  efficient  house-keeper  is  employed  she 
assumes  all  the  management  of  the  domestics;  she 
hires  and  discharges  them,  trains  them  in  their  du- 
ties, arranges  their  hours,  etc.,  gives  all  the  direc- 
tions and  sees  that  they  are  obeyed.  She  makes 
the  purchases  and  gives  out  the  stores  of  food  and 
linen,  carrying  the  keys  herself.  She  keeps  the  ac- 
counts and  takes  orders  only  from  the  master  or 
mistress.  She  has  a sitting-room  and  chamber,  in 
the  former  of  which  she  takes  her  meals,  which  are 
prepared  by  the  cook’s  assistant.  The  lady’s  maid. 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC.  317 

the  upper  nurse  and  the  nursery  governess — where 
such  servants  are  employed — eat  with  her.  They 
have  dinner  at  twelve  and  supper  at  six. 

Most  American  housekeepers  are  what  are  called 
working  housekeepers — those  with  whom  the  lady 
of  the  house  shares  the  domestic  cares.  Such  an 
“assistant”  does  the  marketing,  makes  the  fine 
desserts  and  takes  care  of  such  as  remain  after  din- 
ner, also  of  unfinished  bottles  of  wine  which  she 
locks  away;  that  is,  if  there  is  no  butler. 

She  visits  the  bed-rooms  every  day  to  see  that  the 
chamber-maid  has  given  them  proper  attention,  and 
that  guests  are  made  comfortable  and  supplied  with 
pens,  ink  and  paper.  She  takes  care  of  the  linen, 
counts  and  mends  it,  and  if  there  is  no  m^aid  she 
does  the  family  mending.  If  there  is  a maid  and 
she  does  the  dressmaking,  millinery,  etc.,  of  the 
family  the  house- keeper  has  the  care  of  the  per- 
sonal linen. 

As  the  house-keeper  and  butler  rarely  get  on  well 
together,  many  persons  hire  a man  and  his  wife  for 
these  two  positions. 

THE  BUTLER. 

If  there  is  a butler,  he  is  made  responsible  for 
certain  property  put  in  his  charge,  and  if  there  are 
one  or  more  footmen,  he  sees  that  they  are  properly 
dressed  and  trained  in  their  particular  duties  and 
that  these  duties  are  properly  performed.  He  has 


3i8  servants — THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 

care  of  the  wines;  although  the  key  to  the  wine- 
cellar  is  kept  either  by  the  house-keeper,  the  mis- 
tress or  the  master,  and  as  much  wine  as  is  to  be 
used  during  the  day  or  for  several  days  is  given  out 
to  him  by  the  one  holding  the  key.  He  also  takes 
care  of  the  unfinished  bottles  of  wine  left  from 
dinner. 

He  is  responsible  for  the  plate,  line  china,  cut 
glass,  and  all  the  fruits,  jellies,  etc.,  and  the  fine 
desserts  generally;  also  for  a proper  serving  of  the 
breakfast,  luncheon,  five  o’clock  tea  and  the  din- 
ner. Although  he  has  the  care  of  the  pantry,  a 
maid  or  footman  washes  the  dishes  and  polishes  the 
silver. 

The  family  decides  whether  he  shall  stand  be- 
hind the  chair  of  the  master,  or  that  of  the  mis- 
tress at  dinner.  One  or  two  footmen  may  serve 
under  him  at  dinner,  but  he  serves  the  other  meals 
without  their  assistance. 

If  there  are  few  servants  and  the  master  does  not 
keep  a valet,  the  butler  waits  upon  him,  looking 
after  the  library,  the  billiard- room  and  the  smoking- 
room,  seeing  that  the  newspapers,  magazines,  etc., 
are  in  their  proper  places  and  ready  for  perusal. 
However,  as  most  gentlemen  prefer  to  cut  the  mag- 
azines themselves,  they  are  left  uncut  by  the  butler 
and  a paper-knife  placed  upon  them.  “He  waits 
upon  the  door,  makes  the  salads,^  polishes  the  silver, 
dresses  the  table,  rises  early  and  looks  after  the 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC.  319 

boots,  and  attends  to  the  open  fires  and  lamps. 
Sometimes  he  also  cleans  the  windows,  but  in  large 
establishments,  windows,  door-steps  and  sidewalk, 
boots,  lamps,  fires  and  silver-polishing  are  attended 
to  by  the  under  footman,  and  the  butler  is  respon- 
sible for  a proper  performance  of  the  work.  When 
the  first  footman  serves  at  the  door,  assists  at  the 
table,  cares  for  the  drawing-room,  carries  messages, 
goes  out  upon  the  box  with  the  coachman  when 
the  ladies  drive,  or  as  groom  in  the  saddle,  the  but- 
ler attends  the  door  in  his  absence.  In  return  this 
first  footman  assists  in  laying  the  table  and  clean- 
ing the  glass  and  china,  when  not  otherwise  oc- 
cupied.” 

THE  lady’s  maid. 

A lady’s  maid,  in  America,  holds  a different  posi- 
tion from  a lady’s  maid  in  England.  She  is  required 
to  do  more  “extra”  work,  and  if  there  is  no  house- 
keeper, whose  sitting-room  (which  is  also  her  dining- 
room) she  may  share,  she  eats  with  the  other  ser- 
vants; she  washes  her  own  clothes  and  makes  her 
own  bed. 

She  must  understand  dress-making,  hair-dressing, 
lace-mending,  trunk-packing,  shopping  and  many 
other  things  which  make  her  useful  to  her  em- 
ployer. She  is  expected  to  cut,  fit  and  make  all 
except  the  “grand”  dresses  of  the  ladies  of  the 
household;  to  clean  and  mend  laces,  to  dress  the 


320 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 


lady’s  hair  and  keep  the  scalp  in  a healthy  condi- 
tion, to  prepare  the  bath,  to  assist  the  mistress  or 
ladies  in  dressing  for  riding,  driving,  for  a ball, 
afternoon  tea  or  a dinner,  and  to  take  care  of  and 
put  away  the  costumes  after  these  and  all  other 
occasions. 

Where  there  are  young  ladies  in  the  family,  she 
attends  them  in  the  street,  and  sometimes  attends 
the  ladies  to  parties,  waiting  in  the  dressing-room. 
When  she  does  not  accompany  them,  unless  she 
has  been  given  the  evening,  she  should  wait  up,  and 
if  they  desire  it  have  a cup  of  hot  tea  or  chocolate 
ready.  She  will  assist  them  to  undress,  comb 
their  hair  and  prepare  it  for  the  night. 

If  she  is  expected  to  do  extra  duty,  such  as  tak- 
ing care  of  the  bric-a-brac,  caring  for  the  plants 
and  cut  flowers,  bathing  the  pet  dog  and  taking 
him  out  for  an  airing,  it  should  be  specified  when 
she  is  engaged^  so  that  she  can  refuse  the  place,  or 
make  no  '‘fuss”  afterwards.  The  number  of  even- 
ings given  her  and  other  privileges  should  also  be 
understood,  as  v/ell  as  the  stvle  of  dress  she  is  ex- 
pected  to  wear. 

THE  NURSERY  GOVERNESS 

may  be  a “ French  or  German  woman  with  a fair 
education,  good  manners,  a controlled  temper  and 
unquestionable  character;  ’ or  she  may  be  an 
American  woman,  well-educated  but  obliged  to 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 


321 


earn  her  own  living.  She  has  charge  of  the  child- 
ren, “ not  far  on  in  learning.”  If  she  is  a foreigner, 
she  teaches  them  to  speak  her  own  language,  looks 
after  their  manners,  washes  and  dresses  them, 
walks  and  drives  with  them,  reads  to  them,  always 
eats  with  them,  and  instructs  them  in  table  man- 
ners. 

I 

“The  nursery  maid  performs  all  their  chamber 
work,  washes  the  clothing  of  the  governess,  unless 
other  arrangements  are  made  by  the  mistress, 
serves  them  at  table  if  they  eat  in  the  nurser}^  and 
waits  upon  them  promptly  and  cheerfully,  accord- 
ing to  the  directions  of  the  governess. 

“When  the  children  are  too  old  to  require  a nurs- 
ery maid,  the  cook’s  assistant  serves  the  meals  in 
the  nursery  and  waits  upon  the  table,  which  should 
always  be  abundant,  perfectly  cooked,  and  nicely 
served,  but  not  rich  in  quality  or  consisting  of  too 
great  a variety  of  food  at  one  meal.” 

The  cook’s  assistant  prepares  the  house-keeper’s 
meals  and  the  servant’s  dinners,  besides  assisting  in 
the  preparation  of  the  plainer  dishes  for  the  dining 
room.  A separate  breakfast  for  the  servants,  the 
children,  and  the  master  and  mistress;  childrens’ 
dinner,  servants’  dinner  and  luncheon;  the  seven 
o’clock  dinner,  the  childrens’  tea  and  the  servants’ 
supper,  make  nine  meals  a day  for  a family  employ- 
ing the  number  of  servants  we  have  been  describ- 
ing. 


322 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 


The  duties  of  the  first  footman  have  been  de- 
scribed in  connection  with  those  of  the  butler.  It  is 
the  duty  of  the  under  footman  to  rise  first  in  the 
morning,  make  the  fires,  clean  the  boots,  look  after 
the  lamps,  open  the  shutters,  sweep  the  steps,  etc. 
Of  course  this  is  where  there  are  two  footmen; 
when  there  is  a butler  and  but  one  footman,  they 
divide  the  work  as  above  described. 

“Of  course,”  says  the  author  of  Social  Etiquette 
of  New  York,  “in  a republic,  where  every  individ- 
ual householder  has  a perfect  right  to  arrange  his 
affairs  to  please  himself,  there  is  and  will  be,  for  at 
least  a long  time  to  come,  a somewhat  unsettled 
code  for  domestic  service,  but  the  earlier  there  is  a 
general  uniformity  of  established  regulations  for 
mistress  and  maid,  the  happier  will  it  be  for  both. 

“Such  of  our  citizens  as  have  sufficient  ambition 
to  live  after  a fashion  befitting  large  incomes,  are 
glad  to  learn  the  most  satisfactory  methods  of  en- 
joying hospitality  and  social  life  at  home,  but  the 
rich  are,  and  always  will  be,  in  a small  minority 
when  compared  with  the  families  who  possess  but 
moderate  incomes.” 

To  those  of  “moderate  income,”  we  would 
further  address  ourselves.  A very  large  majority  of 
the  families  of  America  employ  but  one  servant, 
or  at  most  two.  There  seems  to  be  a feeling  in 
both  the  employing  and  the  serving  classes  that  each 
is  the  enemy  of  the  other.  This  is  not  true  of  all 


SERVANTS — THEIR  DRESS,  ETC.  323 

masters  and  servants  and  should  not  be  true  of 
any. 

“The  whole  fabric  of  society,”  says  Harriet  Pres- 
cott Spofford,  “is  one  of  interwoven  dependence; 
if  the  employed  cannot  be  independent  of  the  em- 
ployer, neither  can  the  employer  be  independent  of 
the  employed;  each  owes  the  other  also  a duty  in 
the  complete  fulfillment  of  the  tacit  contract  be- 
tween them;  so  that  on  the  whole  it  is  exactly  as 
honorable  to  be  a good  servant  as  to  be  a good  mas- 
ter.” 

This  is  equally  true  of  mistress  and  maid.  While 
mutual  obligations  should  be  better  understood 
and  respected,  the  mistress  has  it  in  her  power  to 
bring  about  a better  domestic  service  than  we  have 
to-day,  by  kindly  exacting  the  performance  of  every 
obligation  of  the  maid,  and  while  faithfully  fulfilling 
her  own,  allow  no  familiarity  but  command  the  re- 
spect due  her,  by  her  own  dignified  manner  and 
speech.  This  is  consistent  with  true  kindness  and 
consideration. 

Many  young  mistresses  who  are  learning  the  intri- 
cacies of  house-keeping — and  I fear  the  fault  is  not 
confined  to  young  women — make  the  mistake  of  in- 
dulging their  domestics  in  privileges  which  ought 
not  to  be  allowed,  and  overlooking  carelessness  and 
other  faults  which  in  a short  time  become  unbear- 
able. 

Our  servants  are  all  untrained  foreigners,  who 


324 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 


come  to  “free  America”  for  “liberty”  of  every  sort, 
which  with  them,  unless  restrained,  soon  degener- 
ates into  license.  The  Irish  and  the  Germans  have 
their  peculiarities,  but  perhaps  the  most  so-called 
independent  servants  among  them  are  the  clannish 
Scandinavians.  There  is  great  complaint  of  poor 
health  among  them  on  account  of  the  hard  work 
exacted  of  them.  It  is  hard  to  find  a physically  sound 
one,  but  it  is  not  the  hard  work  they  do,  it  is  the  late 
hours  they  keep,  and  their  utter  disregard  of  the 
laws  of  health  that  demoralizes  them.  Where  it  is 
permitted — and  we  are  sorry  to  say,  many  mis- 
tresses, especially  in  the  smaller  cities  do  permit 
it — they  are  out  night  after  night  until  twelve 
o’clock  and  after,  and  it  is  no  wonder  that  Barbara 
or  Tillie  gets  up  with  a headache  and  a cough  and 
is  cross  and  thinks  herself  abused,  ^vhile  the  lady 
thinks  no  mistress  was  ever  so  tried,  and  the  master 
knows  he  is  a martyr  at  the  steak,  and  there  is 
jarring  in  the  domestic  machinery  and  nobody 
knows  whal  is  the  matter. 

The  lady  of  the  house  should  be  mistress  in  fact 
as  well  as  in  name;  have  her  rules  for  the  govern- 
ment of  her  family,  including  that  indispensable 
personage  the  maid,  and  their  observance  should 
be  firmly  yet  kindly  insisted  upon.  Each  mistress 
makes  her  own  rules — or  ought  to — as  to  how  many 
afternoons  and  evenings  Bridget  may  have,  and  at 
what  hour  her  house  shall  be  closed  for  the  night, 


SERVANTS — THEIR  DRESS,  ETC.  325 

but  there  are  some  qualifications  which  every  ser- 
vant, man  and  maid,  must  have,  if  she  desires  to 
keep  her  friends  and  acquaintances,  and  the  great- 
est of  these  are  good  manners,  neatness  and  at- 
tention. 

“Like  mistress,  like  maid,”  after  the  latter  has 
been  trained  by  the  former,  so  the  mistress  v/ill 
teach  her  maid,  or  man,  to  respond  to  the  bell 
quickly;  to  answer  every  one  civilly;  to  admit  no 
one  when  the  mistress  is  not  “at  home;”  to  deliver 
notes  promptly,  in  short  to  assume  the  care  of  his 
or  her  work,  and  not  expect  the  tired  lady  to  do 
their  thinking  for  them. 

When  there  are  more  than  one  servant,  the  work 
of  each  should  be  clearly  defined,  so  that  there  shall 
be  no  trouble  about  “my  work”  or  “not  his  work.” 

The  mistress  should  carry  the  keys  herself,  and 
• give  out  the  food  to  be  cooked  as  it  is  needed,  and 
also  the  changes  of  linen,  napery,  etc. 

The  kitchen  is  the  root  of  the  home.  Out  of  it 
grows  the  heart’s-ease,  flower  of  contentment,  or 
the  snap-dragon  of  dyspepsia.  The  sooner  we  un- 
derstand this  and  teach  our  kitchen  help  to  do  the 
same,  the  better  will  it  be  for  our  domestic  happi- 
ness. The  mistress  should  understand  the  chemis- 
try of  cooking,  and  see  that  the  girl,  at  least,  fol- 
lows her  directions  in  preparing  the  meals,  if  she 
does  not  understand  the  reasons  wh}^  Ever}<^  girl 
who  takes  a place  of  maid-of-all-work  .should  be 


326  SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 

able  to  do  all  kinds  of  cooking,  or,  at  least,  do  her 
utmost  to  speedily  learn. 

Where  there  are  daughters  in  the  family,  they 
either  take  turns  with  the  mother  as  housekeeper, 
or  each  has  her  particular  work  to  do  each  day. 

The  maid  should  have  a clean  gown,  cap  and 
apron  hanging  in  the  kitchen  closet,  which  she 
should  quickly  don  before  serving  the  meals.  The 
mistress  furnishes  the  caps  and  aprons,  and  they 
are  her  property  and  must  not  be  taken  from  the 
house  when  any  maid  leaves  her  service. 

When  there  are  two  servants  employed,  they  are 
called  the  cook  and  the  waiter — the  latter  is  some- 
times called  the  second  girl.  They  do  all  the  work 
of  the  family,  including  the  washing. 

The  cook  prepares  the  meals,  takes  care  of  the 
basement  and  its  belongings,  cellar,  laundry,  etc., 
and  kitchen,  wherever  it  is — in  the  basement  or 
above  it;  washes  all  the  kitchen  dishes,  and  the 
heavy  and  greasy  dishes  and  platters  from  the  din- 
ing room;  and  assists  with  the  washing  and  ironing. 
Some  cooks  do  all  the  washing  and  ironing  except 
the  table  linen  and  towels,  which  is  done  by  the 
waiter. 

The  duties  of  the  waiter  are  man}^  She  blacks 
the  boots,  opens  the  blinds,  cleans  the  front  steps 
and  side-walk,  polishes  the  bell-pull,  makes  the 
fires,  if  there  are  any  to  be  made,  carries  down  the 
ashes,  etc.;  she  then  puts  on  a clean  frock,  cap  and 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 


327 


apron  and  lays  the  table  for  breakfast.  After 
breakfast  she  removes  the  silver  and  china  to  the 
pantry,  where  she  washes  them,  and  the  heavy 
dishes  to  the  kitchen  where  they  are  washed  by  the 
cook.  She  does  all  the  chamber  work,  answers  the 
door-bell,  takes  care  of  the  parlors  and  dining- 
room, and,  on  sweeping  day,  sweeps  and  dusts  the 
whole  house.  Of  course,  she  lays  the  table  and 
waits  upon  it  for  each  meal,  as  at  breakfast.  There 
are  many  things  a waiter  is  expected  to  do,  but 
whatever  they  are,  they  ought  all  to  be  specified 
when  she  is  hired,  that  there  may  be  no  clashing 
between  her  and  the  cook. 

A better  understanding  of  what  ought  to  be  the 
relations  of  mistress  and  maid,  and  what  each  has 
a right  to  expect  of  the  other,  would  bring  about  a 
more  friendly  feeling  between  parlor  and  kitchen, 
and  consequently  less  friction.  Did  every  home- 
keeper  build  her  home  upon  a foundation  of  reality 
and  sincerity,  conducting  the  affairs  of  her  house 
from  the  standpoint  of  her  real  circumstances  and 
surroundings,  instead  of  attempting  the  impossible 
for  the  sake  of  “appearance,”  the  strain  would  be 
less  great  upon  all  concerned.  Economy  is  a 
necessity  with  most  of  us,  yet  we  hide  it  as  we 
might  a crime,  and  spend  money  and  “make  a 
show”  in  one  direction  that  costs  us  labor  and  sac- 
rifice in  another,  and  we  expect  our  servants  to  as- 


328 


SERVANTS THEIR  DRESS,  ETC. 


sist  US  ill  this,  uncomplainingly,  even  sympathet- 
ically. 

We  try  to  get  as  much  work  out  of  our  help  as 
we  can  for  the  money  we  pay  them,  and  they  re- 
taliate by  doing  as  little  as  they  can  “escape  with.’’ 
Each  side  feels  that  it  is  only  a matter  of  business; 
so  it  might  be  if  the  good  of  our  precious  ones  were 
not  so  nearly  concerned,  and  if  those  who  serve  us 
had  not  human  feelings.  They  should  be  made  to 
feel  that  they  have  a home  beneath  our  roof,  and 
should  be  instructed  in  the  duties  expected  of  them 
and  if  possible  made  to  feel  that  their  positions  are 
really  responsible  ones;  that  much  of  the  comfort 
and  happiness  of  the  family  depend  upon  their  good 
behavior  and  honest  work,  and  that  prompt  obedi- 
ence will  bring  its  sure  reward. 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 


FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING. 

HE  time  for  ostentation  and  display  at  fun- 
erals, is  happily  past,  and  the  rigid  formalities 
that  added  crucifixion  to  our  already  heavy 
grief,  are  no  longer  obligatory.  We  may  now 
mourn  for  our  dead  and  care  for  their  inanimate 
forms  according  to  the  dictates  of  affection  and  cir- 
cumstances, with  little  restraint  of  fixed  rules. 

It  is  no  longer  the  custom  to  sit  by  the  dead  dur- 
ing the  solemn  nights  between  the  death  and 
burial,  except  where  the  remains  require  attention. 

Sometimes  a chosen  friend,  sometimes  a sexton 
and  sometimes  the  undertaker  arranges  the  details 
of  the  funeral  ceremonies.  The  notice  of  a death 
and  invitation  to  the  funeral  are  conveyed  through 
the  newspapers  to  friends  and  acquaintances.  How- 
ever, many  families  now  follow  the  remains  to  their 
last  resting-place,  without  'the  presence  of  others 
outside  of  their  own  immediate  families.  Before 
this  custom  was  introduced,  very  often  only  male 
relatives  and  friends  went  to  the  interment.  In 
England  ladies  never  go  with  the  procession,  but  in 
this  country  the  ladies  of  the  family  usually  appear 
with  the  chief  male  mourners,  and  other  ladies 
follow. 


22 


(329) 


330  FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING. 

THE  PALL  BEARERS. 

For  the  funeral  of  a man  or  woman,  six  or  eight 
friends  are  chosen  from  the  circle  of  the  deceased 
to  act  as  pall  bearers.  They  are  furnished  with 
black  kid  gloves  to  wear  at  the  funeral  of  a man  or 
an  elderly  woman,  but  for  a young  woman  white 
ones  are  usually  worn.  A scarf  of  black  crape  or 
fine  white  linen,  according  to  the  occasion,  is  tied 
about  the  left  arm  and  laid  about  the  shoulders. 

THE  FUNERAL  SERVICES. 

When  a funeral  service  is  held  either  at  the 
house  or  in  the  church,  the  family  and  intimate 
friends  do  not  take  leave  of  their  loved  one  in  the 
presence  of  the  public  ; this  is  done  in  private  be- 
fore the  arrival  of  those  who  are  only  acquaintances. 
It  is  customary  now  for  the  family  to  occupy  a 
room  adjoining  the  one  in  which  the  services  are 
held,  the  clergyman  taking  his  position  at  the  door 
between  the  two  rooms.  Those  who  desire  to  take 
a last  look  at  the  sleeper,  do  so  at  the  house,  as  the 
coffin  is  not  opened  at  the  church  unless  the  person 
has  been  one  of  much  prominence  in  the.  com- 
munity. 

The  coffin  now  is  plain  and  simple,  lined  with 
satin  and  covered  on  the  outside  with  black  cloth, 
with  silver  plate  for  the  name,  and  silver  handles. 


FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING.  33 1 


POSITION  OF  THE  BODY. 

Natural  positions  for  the  hands  and  the  face  in 
partial  profile  have  taken  the  place  of  the  former 
rigidity  of  crossed  hands  and  upturned  face. 

The  dress  is  nearly  always  the  same  as  that 
worn  in  life.  Bright  and  pretty  costumes  are  often 
selected  for  the  young,  although  many  use  white 
cashmere. 

FLORAL  TRIBUTES. 

With  reference  to  flowers,  the  author  of  “Social 
Etiquette  of  New  York”  says:  “So  lavish  have 

been  the  offerings  of  flowers  that  were  wrought 
into  unnatural  forms,  and  dedicated  by  their  letter- 
ings to  absurd  uses,  that  many  families  beg, 
through  a public  card  which  accompanies  the  fun- 
eral notice  that  no  friends  will  contribute  flowers. 
Not  that  they  are  banished  utterly,  but  they  are 
delicately  selected,  and  a sentiment  of  reserve 
rather  than  ostentation  is  expressed  by  their  selec- 
tion and  arrangement. 

“ Sometimes  a tiny  sheaf  of  ripened  wheat  is  laid 
with  a palm  branch  upon  the  coffin,  or  by  the  side 
of  the  venerable  dead.  A wreath  of  bay  leaves  is 
chosen  for  the  one  whose  loss  is  a public  calamity ; 
white  lilies  and  willow  branches,  or  a garland  of 
poppies,  for  the  long-suffering,  are  satisfying;  but 
pillows  of  wire  fettered  carnations  and  harps  of 
rose-buds  are  becoming  less  and  less  attractive 


332  FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING. 

to  individuals  of  refined  taste.  These  costly  and 
ungraceful  contributions,  with  the  cards  of  their 
donors  attached  for  news-gatherers  to  copy  and  to 
publish,  are  not  among  the  refined  accessories  of 
a funeral  among  our  superior  people. 

“A  bunch  of  fragrant  blossoms  upon  the  bosom  of 
the  dead,  flowers  selected  with  an  appropriateness 
to  the  circumstances,  age,  or  sentiments  of  the 
soulless  sleeper,  are  always  an  agreeable  and  sug- 
gestive attention  ; but  flowers  tied  into  forms,  or  in 
any  excess,  are  no-  longer  considered  refined  or 
desirable.’  ’ 

Mrs.  Sherwood  says  on  the  same  point:  “A  few 

flowers  placed  in  the  dead  hand,  perhaps  a simple 
wreath,  but  not  those  unmeaning  memorials  which 
have  become  to  real  mourners  such  sad  perversities 
of  good  taste,  such  a misuse  of  flowers.  Let  those 
who  can  afford  to  send  such  things  devote  the 
money  to  the  use  of  the  poor  mothers  who  cannot 
afford  to  buy  a coffin  for  a dead  child  or  a coat  for 
a living  one.’  ’ 

Would  it  not  be  well  to  send  a flower  occasion- 
ally to  the  bereaved  after  the  funeral,  instead  of 
sending  them  to  the  dead,  who  cannot  realize  your 
loss  or  your  well  meant  expressions  of  respect.^ 

Upon  a death  occurring  in  a family  it  is  desirable 
that  some  outward  sign  be  given  in  order  to  keep 
away  casual  visitors.  This  is  done  by  tying  upon 
the  door-knob  black  crape  if  the  person  is  married 


FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING.  333 

or  advanced  in  years,  and  white  if  the  person  is 
young.  This  is  well;  but  it  is  not  well  to  close  and 
darken  the  windows  and  shut  out  all  the  light  and 
cheerfulness.  I quote  further  from  the  first  author 
named  above:  “It  is  not  uncommon  for  the  soul- 

less body  to  be  neatly  attired  as  if  it  were  a semi- 
invalid who  had  fallen  asleep  upon  a sofa.  It  is 
tenderly  pillowed  and  luxuriously  draped.  Friends 
take  their  last  look  upon  the  quiet  face,  and  there 
is  at  least  one  throb  of  pain  the  less  because  of  the 
absence  of  a coffin.”  “Religious  services  are  fre- 
quently performed  while  the  deceased  is  still  lying 
uncoffined,  and  the  burial  takes  place  at  any  subse- 
quent time  which  is  convenient  to  the  survivors.” 
Under  this  arrangement  none  but  the  kinspeople 
follow  the  hearse  to  the  cemetery. 

MOURNING. 

In  America  we  have  no  fixed  periods  of  mourn- 
ing. Some  persons  are  conscientiously  opposed  to 
adopting  a mourning  dress  under  any  circumstances. 
Some  leave  off  all  bright  colors  and  put  on  black, 
without  using  crape  or  other  materials  which  are 
confined  to  mourning  costume.  However,  the  ma- 
jority feel  that  it  is  a proper  expression  of  respect 
for  the  departed  and  a protection  to  themselves 
from  the  gay  world. 


334  FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING. 


A WIDOW 

wears  deep  mourning  for  one  year,  then  ordinary 
mourning  as  much  longer  as  she  desires  to  do  so. 
The  deep  mourning  consists  of  the  plainest  of  crape 
and  some  woolen  stuff,  either  bombazine  or  Hen- 
rietta cloth,  a crape  bonnet  with  a widow’s  cap,  or 
border  of  white  lisse  or  tarletan.  She  wears  her 
heavy  crape  veil  over  her  face  for  three  months, 
after  which  she  may  wear  a short  tulle  veil  over  the 
face,  with  the  heavy  one  thrown  back.  Black  un- 
dressed kid  gloves  are  worn  with  first  mourning. 
After  twelve  months  the  widow’s  cap  is  laid  aside 
and  the  long  veil  exchanged  for  a lighter  one.  The 
dress  may  be  black  silk  or  crape-trimmed  cashmere 
with  jet  trimmings,  and  white  crape  lisse  at  the 
neck  and  wrists.  Many  widows  wear  black  dresses 
as  long  as  the}^  live,  or  at  least  until  they  are  again 
married. 

All  kinds  of  black  furs  and  sealskins  are  worn  in 
deep  mourning. 

FOR  FATHER,  MOTHER  AND  CHILDREN, 

mourning  lasts  at  least  one  year  and  as  much 
longer  as  the  mourners  themselves  determine.  For 
six  months  they  should  wear  deep  mourning,  with 
the  veil  at  the  back  of  the  bonnet  instead  of  over 
the  face  like  the  widow’s  veil.  Owing  to  the  sup- 
posed bad  effects  of  crape  this  veil  is  frequently 
made  of  thin  nun’s  veiling. 


FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING.  335 

Jet  ornaments  only  should  be  worn  for  eighteen 
months. 

FOR  BROTHERS  AND  SISTERS 

there  are  six  months  of  deep  mourning  or  crape 
and  serge  or  Henrietta  cloth,  and  six  months  of 
half  mourning  or  cashmere  and  lustreless  silk,  and 
six  months  of  black,  white  and  gray. 

FOR  GRANDPARENTS, 

uncles  and  aunts  some  plain,  colorless  costume 
without  crape  is  worn  for  three  months. 

CHILDREN 

wear  mourning  for  a year  for  father,  mother 
brothers  or  sisters,  but  it  is  lightened  with  a combi- 
nation of  white. 

MOURNING  CUSTOMS  FOR  GENTLEMEN. 

The  depth  of  the  weed  upon  a gentleman’s  hat 
indicates  the  nearness  of  the  relative  whose  loss  he 
mourns.  The  length  of  the  period  of  mourning  for 
men,  except  in  the  case  of  widowers,  is  regulated 
b}^  the  period  observed  by  the  women  of  their 
households. 

Deep  mourning  for  a widower  includes  gloves, 
necktie  and  weed,  with  a costume  of  black  or  very 
dark  gray.  This  is  worn  for  one  year.  Some  add 
to  this,  black-bordered  linen  and  jet  shirt  studs  and 


336  FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING. 

buttons.  In  England  v/idowers  wear  mourning  for 
their  wives  for  two  years.  They  go  into  society 
much  earlier  than  widows. 

Husbands  and  wives  wear  mourning  for  each 
other’s  relatives  just  as  they  would  for  their  own. 

The  servants  are  put  in  mourning  by  those  who 
can  afford  it  on  the  death  of  the  head  of  the  family; 
sometimes  for  other  members  of  it;  the  nurse  only 
in  the  case  of  the  death  of  young  children. 

SECLUSION  OF  THE  FAMILY. 

Real  grief  needs  no  appointed  time  for  seclusion, 
but  etiquette  decrees  that  it  is  not  in  good  taste  to 
make  or  receive  formal  visits  for  a year  after  the 
loss  of  a near  relative,  and  two  years  are  given  to  a 
more  or  less  rigid  seclusion  from  general  society, 
though  intimate  friends  show  to  the  bereaved,  the 
delicate  attentions  that  only  friends  may.  Cards 
are  sent  to  the  family,  and  intimate  friends  send 
notes  of  condolence. 

It  is  not  a general  custom  here  as  in  England,  to 
send  engraved  notes  or  large  cards  deeply  bordered 
with  black  upon  which  is  furnished  the  place  and 
date  of  birth,  residence  and  date  of  death,  yet  it  is 
sometimes  done. 

It  is  proper  to  call  in  person  to  make  kind  in- 
quiries for  the  family  and  to  leave  cards  (some  au- 
thorities say  with  the  left  end  turned  over)  as  soon 


FUNERAL  CEREMONIES  AND  MOURNING.  33/ 

as  a death  has  been  published,  but  not  to  ask  to  see 
the  sorrowing  ones. 

RE-ENTERING  SOCIETY. 

When  persons  who  have  been  in  mourning  wish 
to  re-enter  society,  they  leave  cards  on  all  their 
friends  and  acquaintances  as  an  intimation  that 
they  are  ready  to  pay  and  receive  visits. 

Complimentary  mourning — for  a husband’s  rela- 
tive whom  you  have  never  seen — does  not  necessi- 
tate strict  seclusion,  but  heavy  crape  is  out  of  place  at 
a gay  reception  or  the  theatre.  Nevertheless  it  is 
one’s  duty  to  interest  one’s  self  in  her  surroundings 
and  in  the  care  of  those  remaining  loved  ones  who 
are  made  sad  by  her  sadness,  or  happy  by  her  smile. 
We  can  better  show  our  affection  for  the  dead  by 
fulfilling  our  duties  to  the  living,  than  by  giving 
ourselves  up  to  uncontrolled  grief. 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 


PRECEDENCE,  OR  SOCIAL  LIF'E  IN 
WASHINGTON. 


RECEDENCE — priority  of  place,  or  superi- 


ority of  rank — in  the  conventional  system  of 


arrangement  under  which  the  “ most  eminent 
and  dignified  orders  of  the  community  are  classified 
on  occasions  of  public  ceremony”  as  well  as  on 
ceremonious  occasions  or  entertainments  of  a pri- 
vate nature,  has  been  the  source  of  much  animosity 
and  heart-burnings,  especially  in  our  Republican 
Capital,  where  certain  social  observances  are  not 
understood  by  all  alike. 

With  Mrs.  Admiral  Dahlgren’s  permission,  we 
give  for  the  benefit  of  our  readers,  the  order  of  pre- 
cedence established  by  social  usage  in  Washington, 
as  given  in  her  book,  “Etiquette  of  Social  Life  in 
Washington:” 

“Ignorance  of  the  official  etiquette  prevailing  here, 
cannot  be  construed  into  any  want  of  general 
society  training  elsewhere,  because  we  have  in 
Washington  a very  exceptional  basis. 

“The  President  as  the  executive  head  of  the  na- 
tion is  properly  entitled  to  precedence.  The  first 
place  is  accorded  to  him  whenever  and  wherever  he 


(338) 


SOCIAL  LIFE  IN  WASHINGTON. 


339 


appears  in  social  life.  His  social  privileges  entitle 
him  to  receive  all  calls  without  being  expected  to 
return  any.  He  is  addressed  as  ‘Mr.  President’ 
or  ‘Your  Excellency.’  Usage  has  not  required  any 
special  preliminary  formalities  in  order  to  make  the 
acquaintance  of  the  President.  During  the  sessions 
of  Congress  he  gives  stated  receptions,  and  all  per- 
sons who  desire  to  do  so  may  attend  the  levees. 
Upon  entrance  you  give  your  name  to  an  usher  and 
are  announced.  You  are  thereupon  introduced  to 
the  President  by  the  Marshal  of  the  District,  or 
at  times  by  some  other  person  designated  for  the 
purpose,  and  you  are  immediately  after  presented 
to  the  different  members  of  the  presidential  family 
who  maybe  present.  Occasionally  some  embarrass- 
ment has  arisen  because  persons  on  entering,  in 
place  of  merely  giving  their  own  name  to  the  offi- 
cial who  makes  the  presentations,  stop  to  introduce 
themselves  the  friends  who  accompany  them.  This 
causes  an  awkward  delay. 

“In  case  you  are  precise  you  leave  your  card  be- 
fore your  departure  from  the  Executive  Mansion. 
If  the  reception  is  held  in  the  morning,  the  usual 
costume  for  morning  receptions  suffices.  If  in  the 
evening,  a full  toilette  is  demanded.  It  is  not 
respectful  to  appear  in  less  than  evening  dress  at  an 
evening  reception  given  by  the  President.  Even  in 
making  an  evening  call,  at  any  time,  it  is  more 
proper  to  make  at  least  a demi-toilette.  Fastidious 


340 


SOCIAL  LIFE  IN  WASHINGTON. 


ladies  do  not  wear  a bonnet  in  making  an  evening 
visit  at  the  President’s.  We  have  seen  the  wives  of 
Foreign  Ministers  call  in  full  evening  dress.  If  the 
President  have  a wife,  she  also  receives  the  first 
visit  from  every  one,  nor  is  she  expected  to  return 
any  visits.  But  other  members  of  the  Presidential 
family,  are  allowed  by  custom  to  return  visits  and 
acknowledge  civilities  tendered.  At  the  state  din- 
ners of  the  President  the  usual  etiquette  prevails  as 
at  other  dinner-  tables  where  official  personages  are 
entertained. 

“You  may  not  decline  a dinner  or  other  invitation 
of  a social  nature  sent  by  the  President,  unless  in 
case  of  your  own  illness  or  that  of  any  member  of 
your  family,  or  of  the  death  of  a relative.  When 
it  is  imperative  to  send  a regret,  explain  in  your 
note  the  reasons  which  compel  a non-acceptance. 
Previous  engagements  must  be  revoked  to  accept 
the  President’s  invitation. 

“Belonging  to  the  purely  official  life,  should  be 
classed  the  public  levees,  the  state  dinners  and  all 
formal  presentations  and  receptions. 

“It  has  always  been,  and  still  remains,  a matter  of 
discussion  as  to  whom  properly  belongs  the  second 
place  in  social  precedence,  and  equally  accomplished 
persons  differ  on  this  point.  This  position  is  claimed 
for  both  the  Chief  Justice  and  the  Vice-Presi- 
dent. * These  gentlemen  (the  Chief  Jus- 

tice and  the  Justices)  are  respectively  addressed  in 


SOCIAL  LIFE  IN  WASHINGTON. 


341 


conversation  as  Mr.  Chief  Justice  and  Mr.  Justice, 
and  it  has  been  usual  to  accord  them  precedence 
over  Cabinet  Ministers  and  Senators,  for  at  times 
they  may  exercise  a controlling  influence  over  the 
Executive. 

“Succeeding  the  President,  the  Vice-President,  the 
Chief  Justice,  comes  the  Speaker  of  the  House,  who, 
as  well  as  the  Vice-President,  is  a possible  successor 
to  the  Presidency,  and  although  he  may  be,  and 
generally  is,  a political  power  of  the  first  import- 
ance, yet  socially  he  comes  in  the  fourth  place. 
He  is  addressed  in  conversation  as  “ Mr.  Speaker.” 
All  these  gentlemen  we  have  mentioned  receive  the 
first  visit  from  all  others. 

“The  general  of  the  army  and  the  admiral  of  the 
navy  occupy  very  exceptional  positions. 

‘ ‘Among  officers  of  the  army  and  navy  there  ex- 
ists a corresponding  rank — the  Lieutenant-General 
and  the  Vice-Admiral,  the  Major-General  and  the 
Rear-Admiral,  the  Brigadier-General  and  the  Com- 
modore, the  Colonel  of  the  army  relatively  to  the 
Captain  of  the  navy,  and  so  on  pari  passu.  Upon 
this  rule  a social  precedence  can  alone  be  placed 
whenever  formal  or  ceremonious  occasions  require 
it.  In  England  the  navy  has  precedence  over  the 
army. 

“We  have  now  to  consider  the  Cabinet,  and  here 
we  must  remark  that  so  much  confusion  at  once 


342 


SOCIAL  LIFE  IN  WASHINGTON. 


appears  as  really  to  make  the  whole  subject  a dis- 
couraging one. 

“As  to  the  Cabinet,  relatively  to  each  other,  the 
order  observed  is  that  priority  in  which  these  offices 
were  created,  thus:  The  State,  the  Treasury,  the 

War,  the  Navy,  the  General  Post-Office,  the  In- 
terior, and  the  Department  of  Justice.  The  chief 
of  these  departments  form  the  executive  council  of 
the  administration,  but  at  the  same  time  they  are 
actual  heads  of  departments  of  state.  These  func- 
tionaries alike  expect  to  receive  calls,  and  alike 
claim  the  same  privileges;  and  it  is  only  upon  state 
occasions,  such  as  official  receptions  or  formal  state 
dinners,  or  other  state  ceremonials,  that  their  order 
need  be  specially  defined;  yet  these  situations  are 
of  not  unfrequent  occurrence,  and  no  embarrass- 
ment should  arise  when  they  do  present  themselves. 

“It  has  been  a contested  point  as  to  who  should 
pay  the  first  visit  upon  each  other,  the  Cabinet  of- 
ficers or  the  Senators;  but  there  would  seem  to  be 
a growing  tendency  to  yield  to  the  senatorial  claim. 

“To  our  apprehension,  leaving  grave  Cabinet  Min- 
isters and  Senators  to  arrange  questions  of  relative 
social  importance — or  rather  their  wives  to  do  this 
for  them,  for  it  is  women  who  are  social  agitators 
in  the  Republic — ^we  really  think  that  Senators' 
wives  might  easily  yield  this  point  to  the  Cabinet 
when  all  the  circumstances  are  considered;  or  if 
this  cannot  be  effected,  at  least  let  a compromise 


SOCIAL  LIFE  IN  WASHINGTON. 


343 


be  made,  that  certain  privileges  are  to  be  accorded 
by  courtesy,  still  to  be  held  in  reserve  as  a right. 

“The  same  controversy  as  to  the  first  visit,  which 
implies  precedence,  has  always  existed  as  regards 
the  diplomatic  body  who  represent  other  countries 
near  our  own.  We  have  known  some  ladies  of  the 
Senate  who  have  refrained  from  making  the  first 
call  upon  the  wives  of  foreign  ministers,  assigning 
the  same  reason,  that  the  Senators  represented  a 
state  sovereignty  while  the  minister  was  only  an  ac- 
credited functionary  from  a foreign  power,  it  being 
held  that  the  ambassador  or  envoy  alone  properly 
represented  the  sovereignt}^  of  a state,  and  this 
rank  is  not  often  sent  to  us. 

“We  have  witnessed  very  grave  offense  given  at  a 
dinner-table,  where  the  host  led  in  the  wife  of  a 
foreign  minister,  the  fair  belligerent  being  the  wife 
of  a Senator  who  claimed  the  honor  as  her  due. 

“Precedence  at  the  dinner  table  is  the  grand  sub- 
ject of  social  wrangling  in  Washington,  and  the 
need  of  a fixed  rule  is  here  so  painfully  apparent 
that  those  who  have  been  taught  to  be  careful  by 
sad  experience  will  simply  avoid  asking  those  func- 
tionaries to  meet  each  other  whose  claims  may  con- 
flict; yet  the  Vice-President,  the  Chief  Justice,  the 
Speaker,  the  General  of  the  Army,  the  Admiral  of 
the  Navy,  Foreign  Ministers,  Cabinet  Ministers  and 
Senators,  they  and  their  wives,  ought  to  be  able  to 
meet  and  dine  in  peace  together.” 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


^f^ADIES,  especially  young  ladies,  living  away 
from  the  centers  of  fashion,  and  those  who 
lack  the  home-training  which  they  feel  they 
ought  to  have,  are  constantly  either  asking  ques- 
tions as  to  what  they  should  or  should  not  do,  or 
else  they  are  frequently  guilty  of  violations  of  good 
manners,  from  ignorance  and  not  from  viciousness. 
To  such  we  add  a few  hints  to  what  has  already 
been  said. 

Our  first  advice  is,  study  these  rules,  and  not 
only  that  but  practice  them.  This  you  can  do 
quietly  and  unostentatiously,  and  by  silent  perse- 
verance you  can,  to  some  extent,  reform  not  only 
your  own,  but  the  manners  of  your  family,  and  as 
good  manners  are  contagious,  in  time  your  influ- 
ence will  extend  to  your  neighbors. 

A young  lady  should  honor  father  and  mother, 
and  be  respectful  to  all  persons  older  than  herself. 
Of  course,  she  must  be  courteous  to  every  one,  old 
and  young,  but  she  must  be  especially  civil  and  at- 
tentive to  the  aged.  Disrespect  to  parents  is  far  too 
common  among  the  young  people  of  to-day. 

(344) 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


345 


She  should  accept  invitations  from  young  gentle- 
men only  with  her  mother’s  permission. 

She  should  not  receive  visits  from  young  gentle- 
men alone.  Her  mother  should  remain  in  the  par- 
lor during  the  call.  Even  the  young  men  who  look 
upon  this  as  an  unnecessary  formality,  will  respect 
her  all  the  more  for  this  “little  reserve.” 

A young  lady  must  not  accept  gifts  from  gentle- 
men, unless  we  except  a book,  a bouquet  or  bon- 
bonieres.  When  she  is  engaged  to  be  married,  her 
fiance  presents  her  with  a ring,  known  as  the  “en- 
gagement ring.”  He  also  furnishes  the  wedding 
ring,  and  may  present  her  with  other  gifts  just  be- 
fore marriage. 

A married  lady,  to  whom  a gentleman  is  indebted 
for  hospitalities,  may  accept  an  inexpensive  gift 
from  him. 

If  a married  lady  makes  a present  to  a gentle- 
man, it  must  be  in  the  name  of  herself  and  her 
husband. 

A young  lady  may  be  as  cheerful  and  as  bright  as 
she  is  capable  of  being,  but  she  must  not  use  slang 
or  be  loud  or  boisterous.  Neither  must  she  indulge 
in  the  excessive  use  of  adjectives,  especially  in  the 
superlative  degree.  We  hear  ladies  say,  “dread- 
ful pretty,”  an  “elegant  orange,”  “awfully  nice,” 
“a  sweet  dancer,”  dreadful,''  “the  cutest 

bonnet.”  Young  men  pick  up  the  slang  of  the 


23 


346 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


comic  Opera  or  theatre,  and  some  young  women 
thoughtlessly  imitate  them. 

Women  set  the  fashions  in  manners,  and  men  are 
just  what  women  make  them.  If  women  are  re- 
fined and  command  respect  men  will  give  it.  If  they 
allow  themselves  to  be  led  instead  of  leading,  men 
will  be  tyrannical  and  selfish,  neglecting  the  little 
.courtesies  that  oil  the  wheels  of  the  social  and  do- 
.mestic  machinery.  Then  let  woman  take  her  place 
where  she  belongs,  and  our  men  are  too  chivalrous 
not  to  do  her  homage. 

A young  lady  must  never  allow  familiarity  of 
speech  or  manner  in  young  men,  nor,  in  truth,  in 
any  one.  She  will  do  well  to  remember  the  old 
adage,  “Familiarity  breeds  contempt.”  If  you 
have  a confidential  lady  friend,  don’t  tell  her  every- 
thing you  know  or  think  you  know. 

Never  tattle  or  gossip.  Never  indulge  in  ridicule, 
whether  the  subject  be  present  or  absent. 

Never  tell  of  your  aches  and  pains  to  any  one,  nor 
of  your  sorrows  to  mere  acquaintances.  Ladies 
should  observe  a dignified  reserve  under  all  circum- 
stances. Thus  they  cannot  be  misunderstood  and 
will  have  nothing  to  regret,  on  that  score. 

A lady  strives  to  control  her  emotions,  and  in 
time  succeeds,  so  that  she  does  not  cause  others 
unhappiness.  Emerson  says:  “ A gentleman  makes 
no  noise;  a lady  is  serene.”  She  does  not  reprove 
servants  or  children  in  the  presence  of  others. 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


347 


Neither  does  she  show  petulance  or  ill-temper,  if 
anything  goes  wrong.  A southern  lady  was  enter- 
taining a small  party  at  dinner.  As  Dinah  ap- 
proached the  table  bearing  a nice,  large,  brown  tur- 
key, one  of  her  wrists  gave  way  letting  the  end  of 
the  platter  down  and  the  turkey,  of  course,  went  to 
the  floor.  Unruffled  and  serene,  madam  says,  in  a 
sweet  voice,  “Take  it  to  the  kitchen  Dinah  and 
bring  another  instead.”  The  colored  waiter  re- 
turned in  a few  minutes,  and  although  the  guests 
all  knew  it  was  the  same  “fowl”  she  brought, 
they  could  not  but  admire  the  tact  of  the  hostess. 

A true  lady  will  never  notice  a violation  of  the 
rules  of  etiquette  in  others,  or  correct  a slight  inac- 
curacy of  statement,  nor  smile  at  the  violations  of 
the  rules  of  grammar,  which,  we  are  sorry  to  say, 
can  be  heard  at  almost  every  social  gathering. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  STREET. 

There  is  no  place  where  a woman  will  so  surely 
display  her  breeding,  as  in  the  street,  in  public  con- 
veyances and  in  traveling  generally;  and  there  is 
no  place  where  her  behavior  is  so  entirely  at  the 
mercy  of  critics.  The  true  lady  “walks  the  streets 
wrapped  in  a mantle  of  proper  reserve  so  impene- 
trable that  insult  and  coarse  familiarity  shrink 
away  from  her,  yet,  who  carries  with  her  a con- 
genial atmosphere  which  attracts  all  and  puts  all  at 
their  ease.-’  ’ 


348 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


In  continental  Europe,  if  a woman  is  a worker, 
an  artist,  a student  or  an  author,  she  can  walk  the 
streets  unharmed.  Otherwise  she  may  not  venture 
out  unattended.  In  America,  a well-behaved  lady 
may  walk  alone,  free  from  molestation,  anywhere 
and  everywhere  in  the  day-time,  and  until  a reason- 
able hour  in  the  evening;  however,  we  would  ad- 
vise ladies  not  to  go  out  unattended  in  the  evening, 
for  although  our  men  are  trained  to  gentlemanliness, 
yet  there  are  always  idlers  and  low-bred  persons 
abroad,  who  are  ready  to  offer  insult;  besides  eti- 
quette requires  that  a lady  shall  not  be  on  the 
street  after  night-fall  unattended  by  a male  escort. 
However,  in  small  towns,  several  ladies  together 
may  go  short  distances. 

A lady’s  dress  for  the  street  must  be  inconspicuous. 
(See  chapter  on  Dress.)  She  must  walk  quietly, 
seeing  and  hearing  nothing  she  ought  not  to  see  and 
hear,  recognize  acquaintances  with  a courteous  bow 
and  friends  with  a word  of  greeting.  ‘'She  does 
not  stop  to  gaze  in  at  shop  windows,  tior  to  talk  to 
acquaintances.  She  is  always  unobtrusive.  She 
never  talks  loudly  or  laughs  boisterously,  or  does 
anything  to  attract  the  attention  of  the  passers-by. 
She  simply  goes  about  her  business  in  her  own  quiet 
lady-like  way,  and  by  her  preoccupation  is  secure 
from  all  the  annoyance  to  which  a person  of  less 
perfect  breeding  might  be  subjected.” 

In  America,  a young  lady,  if  she  is  not  very  young. 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


349 


may  travel  alone,  but  it  is  not  always  safe,  and  it 
looks  better  to  have  a chaperon  or  lady  companion. 
If  she  cannot  do  this,  she  can  place  herself  in  the 
care  of  friends,  or  at  least  travel  with  them. 

KEEP  STEP. 

“ In  walking  together,  especially  when  arm  in 
arm,  it  is  desirable  that  the  two  keep  step.  To  do 
this  a compromise  may  be  necessary  between  the 
long  measured  strides  of  the  gentleman  and  the 
short,  quick  steps  of  the  lady.  Ladies  should  be 
strongly  impressed  with  the  advisability  of  suiting 
their  pace,  as  far  as  practicable,  with  that  of  their 
escort.  It  is  easily  done.” 

UP  AND  DOWN  STAIRS. 

Where  the  staircase  is  narrow,  a gentleman  pre- 
cedes a lady  up  stairs  and  follov/s  her  in  coming 
down.  In  public  halls  and  buildings,  or  wherever 
the  width  of  the  stairs  permits  it,  he  walks  by  her 
side,  offering  her  his  right  arm. 

FORMING  ACQUAINTANCES  IN  PUBLIC. 

“A  lady”  says  Mrs.  E.  B.  Duffey;  “be  she  young 
or  old,  never  forms  an  acquaintance  upon  the  streets 
or  seeks  to  attract  the  attention  or  admiration  of 
persons  of  the  other  sex.  To  do  so  would  render 
false  her  claims  to  ladyhood,  if  it  did  not  make  her 
liable  to  far  graver  charges.” 


350 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


DEMANDING  ATTENTIONS. 

“A  lady  never  demands  attentions  and  favors  from 
a gentleman,  but  alway  accepts  them  gratefully  and 
graciously  and  with  expressed  thanks.” 

SOME  MORE  'GENERAL  HINTS. 

If  a gentleman,  although  a stranger,  offer  his 
hand  to  assist  you  in  leaving  a carriage,  omnibus, 
car,  etc.,  or  to  aid  you  in  crossing  where  it  is  wet 
or  muddy,  accept  his  civility,  thank  him,  or  bow  and 
pass  on. 

Never  crowd  into  an  already  full  car,  or  public 
conveyance.  It  is  better  to  wait. 

It  is  better  to  carry  change  to  pay  your  fare  in 
these  vehicles.  It  saves  time  and  sometimes  con- 
fusion. 

When  a gentleman  passes  up  your  fare,  gives  you 
his  seat,  or  offers  you  any  little  civilities  which  well- 
bred  gentlemen  extend  to  all  women,  you  will  of 
course  thank  him,  or  at  least  bow.  In  some  ex- 
clusive circles,  it  is  claimed  that  the  bow  is  more 
courteous  than  the  expressed  thanks.  I believe 
most  men  perfer  the  spoken  word. 

A lady  never  looks  back,  or  makes  remarks  upon 
those  who  pass,  especially  while  they  are  within 
hearing.  This  applies  to  kind  as  well  as  unkind  re- 
marks. Neither  does  she  stare  at  peculiar  persons. 

“ True  good-breeding  ” says  one,  “ is  that  which 
prompts  one  always  to  refrain  from  hurting  the  feel- 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


351 


ings  of  another,  and  the  woman  who  speaks  always 
well,  makes  good  use  of  her  time  and  is  never  dis- 
contented. Kind,  unselfish  deeds  are  often  more 
powerful  than  money,  but  both  exercise  great  power 
for  good,  when  used  to  promote  the  best  interests 
of  humanity.’’ 

WHO  SHALL  BOW  FIRST. 

Strict  etiquette  requires  that  a lady  meeting  a 
gentleman  acquaintance  upon  the  street  shall  bow 
first,  at  least  this  is  so  in  certain  circles  in  England. 
The  rule  was  made  for  introductions  given  at  balls 
for  the  purpose  of  providing  ladies  with  partners 
and  does  not  extend  to  introductions  given  among 
people  of  one’s  own  class.  Certainly  if  a gentle- 
man is  worthy  of  your  recognition,  he  ought  to 
have  the  right  to  speak,  at  least  simultaneously 
with  yourself. 

If  the  gentleman  has  been  presented  to  you  with- 
out your  permission,  as  is  sometimes  done,  unless 
the  circumstances  are  such  as  to  leave  no  doubt  in 
his  mind  of  the  desirability  of  the  acquaintance  on 
your  part,  he  has  no  right  to  bow  first. 

A gentleman  should  lift  his  hat  to  you  when  he 
bows  and  there  may  be  a word  of  greeting,  as 
“Good  morning,”  etc.,  but  hand-shaking  should  be 
avoided  in  public. 

If  a gentleman  wishes  to  speak  to  you,  he  will 
not  stop  you  on  the  street,  but  will  turn  and  walk 


352 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


with  you.  When  he  leaves  you  he  should  bow, 
raising  his  hat  of  course. 

You  are  not  expected  to  recognize  friends  on  the 
opposite  side  of  the  street.  Even  if  you  see  them, 
do  not  bow. 

THE  RIGHT  ARM  OR  THE  LEFT. 

The  old  style  of  changing  sides  whenever  a street 
was  crossed,  in  order  to  give  the  lady  the  inner 
side,  is  no  longer  necessary.  The  gentleman  may 
take  either  side,  so  long  as  he  observes  the  rule  to 
keep  her  on  the  side  where  she  will  be  protected 
from  the  jostling  of  the  crowd,  or  danger  of  any 
kind. 

It  is  not  customary  for  the  gentleman  to  offer  his 
arm  in  daylight,  but  in  the  evening,  or  whenever  or 
wherever,  the  lady’s  safety  or  convenience  dictate 
it,  he  should  not  hesitate  to  give  her  his  arm. 

As  in  Amierica,  we  pass  to  the  right,  or  should 
always  do  so,  a gentleman  should  offer  a lady  bis 
right  arm.  As  it  is  still  a disputed  point  of  eti- 
quette which  arm  a gentleman  should  offer,  and  as 
Mrs.  H.  O.  Ward  in  her  Sensible  Etiquette,  states 
the  case  pretty  clearly,  we  quote  from  her: 

“A  gentleman  offers  his  right  arm  in  conducting 
ladies,  whether  on  the  street  or  in  the  house.  By 
so  doing  the  right  hand  of  the  lady  is  left  free  to 
hold  her  parasol,  or  if  in  the  house,  to  use  her  fan 
attached  to  her  chatelaine,  and  to  guard  her  train 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


353 


from  being  stepped  upon.  Some  writers  decree 
that  the  right  arm  is  to  be  offered  on  one  occasion 
and  the  left  arm  on  others.  This  is  absurd,  as  no  man 
could  remember  the  distinctions  with  our  mode  of 
life.  Both  common  sense  and  gallantry  assign  the 
lady’s  place  where  it  is  for  her  greatest  conven- 
ience, on  his  right.  A lady  gives  the  seat  of  honor 
at  table  on  her  right,  retaining  the  right-hand  seat 
in  her  carriage  and  opera  box,  excepting  where  she 
yields  it  to  a lady  older  than  herself.  The  rule  that 
a lad}^  must  always  have,  the  wall,  either  on  the 
street  or  ascending  staircases,  should  not  be  re- 
garded. It  was  made  for  walking  in  streets  where 
there  are  no  sidewalks  or  very  narrow  ones  (as 
still  seen  in  some  foreign  cities)  to  protect  the 
lady  from  the  passing  vehicles  and  animals.  In 
America  a gentleman  should,  as  a rule,  keep  on  the 
left  of  a lady  in  order  to  guard  her  from  the  jost- 
ling of  passers-by.  He  should  pay  no  regard  to  the 
wall.  It  is  for  the  protection  of  ladies  in  this  way 
that  the  rule  is  so  universally  followed  of  giving 
the  right  arm.” 

CONSIDERATION  FOR  GENTLEMEN. 

A gentleman  always  offers  to  see  a lady  to  her 
carriage — if  she  is  visiting  at  his  house — but  if  it  is 
stormy  weather  a considerate  lady  will  request  him 
not  to  come  outside,  as  her  servant  can  assist  her. 
If  he  insists  upon  accompanying  her,  she  will  at 


354 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


least  ask  him  not  to  stand  uncovered  while  seeing 
her  in  her  carriage. 

There  are  other  places  and  occasions  when  it  is 
only  a kindess  in  a lady  to  ask  a gentleman,  espec- 
ially an  elderly  one,  to  resume  his  hat  when  he  has 
removed  it  in  speaking  to  or  assisting  her.  In  our 
rigorous  climate  many  men  take  cold  if  they  bear 
the  head  in  cold  or  exposed  places. 

Last  winter  a story  went  the  rounds  of  the  news- 
papers to  the  effect  that  a certain  military  gentle- 
man who  died  of  pneumonia  lost  his  life  by  wait- 
ing in  a cold  hall  for  two  young  ladies  whom  he 
escorted  to  an  evening  reception. 

It  would  be  boorish  in  a man  not  to  jemove  his 
hat  when  in  the  presence  of  ladies,  or  to  seem  to 
think  of  his  own  personal  comforts  when  ladies  are 
to  be  looked  after,  but  men  are  entitled  to  some 
consideration,  and  only  a rude  or  selfish  woman 
will  allow  them  to  suffer  on  her  account  if  she  can 
avoid  it. 

Neither  will  a considerate  woman  spoil  her  hus- 
band, son  or  brother  by  picking  up  her  fan  herself 
if  she  happens  to  drop  it,  or  by  doing  any  of  the 
little  things  for  herself  which  it  is  a man’s  duty  as 
well  as  privilege  to  do.  Where  he  is  thus  properly 
trained  at  home  these  little  civilities  become  a sec- 
ond nature  to  him,  and  the  ease  and  grace  with 
which  he  carries  himself  will  save  him  many  an 
otherwise  rough  place  on  life’ s highway. 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


355 


don’t 

frown  at  your  mother — or  for  that  matter  don’t 
frown  at  all. 

Don’t  wear  tight  shoes  nor  tight  gloves;  nor  tight 
corsets,  if  you  wear  corsets.  I would  not  wear 
them;  if  I did  I would  not  have  stiff  steels  or 
whalebones  in  them.  If  your  dressmaker  is  an  art- 
ist she  will  make  your  dresses  fit  you  without  stays. 

If  you  are  poor,  don’t  ape  the  rich — in  anything 
but  good  manners.  Have  the  courage  to  be  your- 
self. Be  a real  lady  and  live  within  your  means. 
If  your  friends  can  afford  to  have  brilliant  wed- 
dings, and  you  cannot,  they  will  respect  you  much 
more  if  you^are  married  quietly  at  home  in  a plain 
gown,  than  if  you  mortgage  your  piano  for  money 
to  make  a show.  This  has  been  done. 

It  is  not  the  “best  society,”  that  will  “snub” 
you  if  your  family  has  met  with  reverses  of  for- 
tune, or  because  you  are  poor  or  because  you  work, 
if  you  are  otherwise  worthy  of  the  recognition  of 
good  society.  We  have  no  privileged  class  in 
America.  Everybody  works  and  only  shoddy 
people  are  ashamed  of  it. 

L He  who  has  a separate  code  of  manners  for  those 
who  are,  for  any  reason,  inferior  in  station,  shows  a 
lack  of  true  refinement  and  good-breeding  and  pro- 
claims himself  as  but  lately  come  up  to  where  he 
now  is,  or  thinks  he  is. 


356 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


The  doctors  of  divinity,  law  and  medicine  are  as 
surely  wage-earners  as  are  the  shop  girls  and  cab- 
men. Each  in  his  place  should  dignify  his  work 
and  extend  his  usefulnes  beyond  the  mere  business 
of  money-getting.  Let  him  remember  that 

“ Who  sweeps  a room  as  by  thy  law, 

Makes  that,  and  the  action  fine  ” 

Each  in  his  place  must  render  good  service  but 
he  must  besides  have  gentle  manners.  Nothing  so 
surely  wins  success  as  fine  manners.  Let  the 
woman  who  works  remember  this. 

The  dignity  of  labor  is  recognized  by  the  best 
people.  We  quote  the  following  as  expressing  our 
ideas  upon  the  subject. 

“ If  the  foundation  of  our  republic,  is  self-gov- 
ernment, its  corner-stone  is  labor.  If  it  draws 
its  breath  of  life  from  character,  what  breath  but 
corrupting  miasma  could  it  draw  from  those  stag- 
nant characters  which  are  too  torpid  for  the  in- 
fusion of  progressive  ideas.^” 

Work  elevates,  idleness  degrades.  “They  who 
study  peculiarities  of  life  in  different  sections  of  our 
republic  are  invariably  struck  with  the  superiority 
of  that  society  in  which  the  majority  maintain  right 
views  with  regard  to  the  education  and  develop- 
ment of  their  children,  and  in  reference  to  instilling 
correct  views  as  to  the  ‘dignity  of  labor.’  ” 

“Honor  and  shame  from  no  condition  rise; 

Act  well  your  part,  there  all  the  honor  lies." 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


357 


“ From  the  moment  a woman  supports  herself, 
or  those  she  loves,  by  her  work,  she  ought  to  ascend 
in  the  social  as  she  does  in  the  moral  scale.  She  is 
not  to  be  pitied  or  patronized,  but  to  be  respected 
for  her  spirit  of  independence.  Women  of  wealth 
who  in  their  early  life  have  been  teachers,  some- 
times seem  anxious  to  conceal  a fact  which  they 
ought  to  recall  with  pride.  ^ If  the  intel- 
lect of  woman  is  cultivated,  if  she  has  any  special 
gift,  she  will  seek  work,  for  she  finds  the  keenest 
pleasure  in  the  exercise  of  her  talent,  and  a just 
pride  in  compelling  the  public  to  recognize  it. 

The  Queen  of  England  herself  writes  books,  and 
receives  her  copyright  as  much  as  any  poor  author. 
To  work  then,  and  to  work  for  pay  is  no  disgrace. 

•jf  -X-  -X-  I would  say  to  every  young  woman, 

work;  and  if  you  cannot  work  with  your  brain  (and 
genius,  even  talent,  is  given  to  few),  work  with  your 
hands,  bravely,  openly,  keeping  your  self-respect 
and  your  independence.  Work  was  never  meant  to 
be  a curse  or  a shame;  it  is  the  surest  element  of 
growth  and  happiness. 

“With  woman  rests  especially  the  power  to  right 
her  own  sex  as  to  this  absurd  prejudice,  by  working 
herself  when  gifted  with  great  powers,  and  recog- 
nizing with  real  sympathy  the  work,  however  hum- 
ble, of  other  women.  No  woman  is  free 

from  responsibility  toward  her  own  sex.  All  are  to. 
bear  one  another’s  burdens  and  to  share  one 


358 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


another’s  sorrows.  This  is  the  true  sisterhood  of 
woman.  However  widely  apart  in  station,  they 
react  upon  each  other  for  good  or  for  evil.  It  is 
time  that  all  false,  arbitrary  distinctions  should 
cease.  The  ranks  of  workers  are  swelling  too  rap- 
idly— ‘including  many  well-born  and  delicately 
nurtured’ — and  the  time  must  come  when  the  posi- 
tion of  a woman  will  depend  only  on  the  dignity  of 
her  life,  and  the  cultivation  of  her  mind.” — Mrs.  H. 
M.  Field. 

Speaking  of  a lady  of  wealth,  one  society  woman 

said  to  another,  “Mrs. speaks  of  having  been 

librarian  of  the  Public  Library  of  T and  is  not  at 

all  ashamed  of  it.”  “Well,  why  should  she  be 
ashamed  of  it.^”  asked  lady  number  two.  “Oh,” 
aswered  number  one,  “some  ladies  would  be,  that’s 
all.”  “ I think  you  are  mistaken.  Some  would-be 
ladies  probably  would  be  ashamed  of  ^having  worked, 
but  no  real  lady  would.” 

“We  may  envy  the  man  who  enjoys  and  rests, 
but  the  smile  of  Heaven  settles  rather  on  the  front 
of  him  who  labors  and  aspires.” 

Don’t  despise  the  little  things  of  life.  The  little 
deeds  of  kindness,  the  little  civilities,  the  little  du- 
ties, all  go  to  the  making  up  of  the  whole.  The 
universe  is  made  of  atoms. 

Don’t  use  the  fan  too  vigorously  at  church  or 
concert  or  theatre,  lest  you  disturb  your  neighbor. 
I myself  have  had  an  eloquent  sentence  or  a beau- 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


359 


tiful  thought  of  the  minister  chased  to  the  North 
Pole  by  the  swish  of  a neighbor’s  squeaking  fan. 

Don’t  nudge  your  neighbor,  or  take  hold  of  her 
arm  to  attract  her  attention.  Don’t  touch  her  at 
all.  She  has  eyes  and  ears  as  well  as  you  have. 

Never  comment  upon  a play  or  an  opera  while  it 
is  in  progress;  nor  upon  a lecture  or  sermon. 

Don' t chezv  gimi.  That  sentence  looks  bad  'in  a 
book,  as  there  ought  to  be  no  occasion  for  saying 
it,  but,  alas,  young  women  in  “good  society,”  chew 
gum.  Our  school  girls  chew  gum,  and  our  school 
boys  smoke  cigarettes.  Mothers,  mothers!  where 
are  you,  and  what  are  you  thinking  about,  to  allow 
these  dangerous,  filthy,  criminal  practices.^  Yes, 
criminal;  it  is  a crime  against  the  moral  and  physi- 
cal child,  especially  the  smoking,^^The  child  is 
father  of  the  man,  and  what  sort  of  men  do  you 
expect  to  bring  up  and  let  loose  upon  society.^  The 
use  of  tobacco  creates  an  unnatural  appetite,  and 
when  the  boy  grows  to  so-called  manhood,  his  ap- 
petite will  demand  something  stronger,  something 
swifter  in  its  effects.  Herrick  says: 

‘ ‘ Against  diseases  here  the  strongest  fence, 

Is  the  defensive  virtue  abstinence.” 

Then  keep  the  diseases  incident  to  the  tobacco 
habit  and  other  unnatural  habits,  away  from  your 
boys  by  enforcing  abstinence  in  their  childhood. 

Young  ladies  may  and  should  be  a help  to  broth- 
ers. Women,  in  their  various  relations,  are  the 


36o 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


saviors  of  the  world.  Their  sympathy,  tenderness, 
heroic  unselfishness,  their  silent  influence,  keep 
men  in^the  path  of  duty,  when  all  else  fails. 

Emerson  says  you  draw  out  the  best  from  a 
person  by  treating  him  to  your  best  behavior. 

We  have  several  times  spoken  of  the  duty  of  one 
receiving  an  invitation  to  an  entertainment,  to  an- 
swer immediately  either  with  an  acceptance  or  “re- 
gret.” Some  recent  occurrences  make  it  seem 
necessary  to  repeat  this  injunction,  “Always  ac- 
knowledge an  invitation.”  It  is  unkind,  it  is  rude 
not  to  do  so. 

THE  CONVERSATION  OF  YOUNG  WOMEN. 

A lady  says  of  the  conversation  of  women  in  so- 
ciety, that  it  resembles  the  straw  used  in  packing 
china;  it  is  nothing,  yet  without  it  everything 
would  be  broken. 

“Women,”  says  Hannah  More,  “too  little  live 
or  converse  up  to  the  standard  of  their  understand- 
ings; and  however  we  have  deprecated  affectation  or 
pedantry,  let  it  be  remembered,  that  both  in  read- 
ing and  conversing,  the  understanding  gains  more 
by  stretching  than  stooping.  ^ The  mind 

by  always  applying  itself  to  objects  below  its  level, 
contracts  its  dimensions,  and  lowers  it- 

self to  the  level  of  the  object  about  which  it  is  con- 
versant.’ ’ 

A disinterested  listener  to  the  conversation  of  the 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


361 


average  young  lady  would  not  be  impressed  with 
the  idea  that  she  had  been  “stretching”  very  much 
after  high  models. 

We  have  occasionally  been  that  sort  of  listener 
and  discovered  that  the  principal  parts  of  the  small 
talk — it  could  not  be  dignified  by  the  name  of  con- 
versation,— were  adjectives,  expletives,  exaggera- 
tions and  flattery.  The  following  are  some  of  the 
expressions  used: 

“ I am  a thousand  times  obliged  to  you.”  “ I am 
ever  so  much  obliged.”  “ You  place  me  under  ever- 
lasting obligations.”  “Oh,  isn’t  Nell’s  dress  just 
lovely  enough  to  eat!”  “Mercy!  what  a dowdy 
Miss  Smith  is.”  “He’s  awfuHy  jolly.”  “Minnie 
you  look  just  too  beautiful  for  anything.”  ‘ ‘ I 
thought  I’d  die.”  “ So  did  I;  I just  collapsed.” 

“ Wasn’t  it  perfectly  awful V'  “Perfectly  terrible; 
I never  heard  of  such  a thing  in  all  my  life.” 

The  “talk”  is  sometimes  interspersed  with  a 
little  “vacation  French,”  as  the  school  girls  call  it.' 
“ Emma  pourquoi  are  you  going “Oh,  yow  savey!'" 

Now  girls,  let  me  say  to  you  that  you  make  a 
great  mistake,  when  you  indulge  in  these  meaning- 
less expressions;  you  know  better  and  can  do  bet- 
ter, for  I have  heard  you  talk  sense,  but  these 
careless,  exaggerated  sentences  and  sounds  grow 
upon  you,  and  you  finally  lose  a respectable  stand- 
ard of  expression;  you  have  no  style  at  all,  and 


24 


362 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


zvhen  you  reach  that  age  and  place  where  such 
trifling  will  not  answer  at  all,  what  will  you  do.^ 
Stop  it  now  before  the  habit  fastens  itself  upon 
you. 

I may  be  allowed  to  illustrate  the  force  of  habit 
by  a little  anecdote.  A family  in  a little  city 
became  suddenly  possessed  of  great  wealth.  There 
were  two  daughters,  one  of  whom  was  married. 
The  young  people  started  out  to  travel,  and  the 
mother  kept  the  friends  informed  of  their  “ Lovely 
Alsatian  trip,  ” meaning  Alaskan,  and  their  European 
travels  —having  no  knowledge  of  geography — she 
“mixed”  wonderfully.  At  a large  party  she  aston- 
ished the  table  by  saying:  “They’re  in  Paris  now^ 

but  they’re  goin’  to  leave  there  soon  and  go  to 
France.”*  Being  ignorant  and  addicted  to  slang,  it 
was  very  trying  for  poor  Mrs.  Suddenrich  to  express 
herself  in  respectable  language.  At  the  same  din- 
ner-party in  answer  to  a remark  addressed  to  her, 
she  ansvv^ered  “you  bet  it  is.”  She  blushed,  being 
conscious  of  her  vulgarity,  but  alas,  the  habit;  all 
her  wealth  could  not  overcome  it. 

If  young  ladies  know  a little  or  a good  deal  of 
any  foreign  language,  they  should  not  use  it  in  a 
mixed  company,  unless  those  within  hearing  are  all 
acquainted  with  the  same  language. 

It  is  a good  plan  for  several  young  ladies,  or  the 
members  of  a family,  to  read  some  good  book  aloud 
and  each  one  criticise  it  and  discuss  it,  from  several 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


363 


standpoints;”  such  as  the  matter,  the  style,  the 
expression,  etc.  {See  further  the  Chapter  on  Con- 
versation of  Society.) 

IT  IS  DUTY. 

If  you  are  requested  to  sing  or  play,  (taking  it  for 
granted  that  you  can  sing  and  play,)  do  so  at  once; 
don’t  wait  for  a second  invitation.  Stop  at  the  end 
of  the  first  piece  unless  the  hostess  requests  you  to 
play  a second. 

An  invitation  to  sing,  or  to  exercise  any  talent 
should  be  given,  or  at  least  seconded  by  the  hostess. 

If  games  or  plays  are  introduced  for  the  diversion 
of  guests,  don’t  refuse  to  join  them,  unless  there  is 
some  very  good  reason  why  you  should  be  excused. 

“The  very  essence  of  good  manners  is  self-posses- 
sion, and  self-possession  is  another  name  for  self- 
forgetfulness.  That  is  to  say,  one  must  be  so 
innately  sure  of  not  offending  against  the  recognized 
laws  of  society,  that  one  needs  not  even  to  recall 
them,  and  thus  is  able  to  give  that  quick  and  sym- 
pathetic attention  to  what  is  passing  which  makes 
the  difference  between  an  agreeable  man  or  woman 
and  one  who  is  not  so.” 

“ All  young  men  and  women  should  be  held  amen- 
able to  the  obligations  of  social  decorum;  and  in 
case  of  neglect  or  disobedience,  nothing  less  than 
genius,  and  that  not  without  a thorough  sifting  of 
the  claim,  should  be  received  in  extenuation.  It  is 


364 


FOR  YOUNG  WOMEN. 


not  to  be  inferred  that  great  endowments  of  intellect 
are  necessarily  or  even  commonly  associated  with  a 
deficiency  of  social  qualities.  Shakespeare,  Bacon, 
Newton,  Franklin  and  Scott  were  men  of  society. 
All,  indeed,  were  public  personages,  and  called  upon 
to  fulfill  duties  which  any  false  modesty  would  have 
rendered  impracticable.” — Bazar  Book  of  Decorum. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

TO  YOUNG  MEN. 

«NE  has  said  that  most  of  the  rules  of  society 
are  prohibitory.  I think  he  is  mistaken.  A 
young  man  wishes  oftener  to  know  what  to 
do,  than  what  not  to  do.  At  the  same  time  as  we 
have  told  him  in  the  several  chapters  of  this  book 
what  to  do  in  some  cases,  we  will  in  this  chapter 
ask  him  not  to  do  certain  things  that  some  young 
men  are  guilty  of  doing,  and  shall  also  request  him 
to  do  certain  other  things  which  he  ought  to  do,  and 
the  doing  of  which  will  make  him  a rich  man  and  a 
gentleman.  It  will  make  him  rich  in  self-respect, 
which  is  the  foundation  of  character.  If  he  is  true 
to  himself  he  “cannot  then  be  false  to  any  man,” 
or  woman. 

There  are  four  things  which  everybody  desires  to 
have — love,  fame,  wealth  and  power.  There  is  no 
reason  why  any  young  man  with  ordinary  intelli- 
gence, the  right  sort  of  education, — which  includes 
good  manners  and  a well-built  character — and  a 
desire  “to  be  somebody,”  cannot  succeed  in  acquir- 
ing all  of  these  except  the  second,  and  he  can  afford 
to  do  without  that.  However,  there  is  no  law  against 
his  reaching  even  fame  if  he  can. 

(365) 


366 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


Cities  are  the  centers  of  civilization,  but  much  of 
the  brawn  and  brain  that  helps  make  them  so,  is 
drawn  from  the  country. 

Many  of  our  young  men  have  been  educated  in 
the  country  and  know  nothing  of  the  ways  of  city 
life,  and  how  are  they  to  learn  them.^  By  the  most 
mortifying  experiences?  That  is  the  way  the  ma- 
jority of  them  do  learn.  A few  have  had  proper 
home-training,  and  a few  others  have  friends  who 
take  a kindly  interest  in  them,  and  thus  help  them, 
but  the  majority  of  young  men  on  coming  into  the 
city,  flounder  along  awkwardly,  committing  blun- 
ders and  unintentional  rudenesses,  very  frequently 
keeping  themselves  out  of  good  positions  by  bad 
manners. 

Manners  make  the  man,  and  you  are  judged  by 
your  manners  more  than  anything  else,  especially 
among  strangers.  If  “the  without  is  always  as  the 
within,”  men  have  no  other  way  of  estimating  the 
character  of  one  with  whom  they  are  unacquainted. 

If  you  are  made  to  suffer  from  ignorance  of  the 
etiquette  of  social  and  business  life  in  the  city,  don’t 
bewail  your  fate  and  mentally  abuse  your  parents 
for  not  bringing  you  up  in  a better  way,  but  go  to 
work  upon  yourself  and  polish  up  the  rough  exterior. 
Re-make  yourself,  but  never  worship  the  maker;  it 
is  only  your  duty.  Learn  the  w^ays  and  manners  of 
good  people,  and  the  best  way  to  begin,  is  to  get 


TO  YOUNG  MEN.  367 

some  good  book  on  etiquette  and  learn  and  practice 
its  rules. 

I know  there  is  a prejudice  with  some  people 
against  studying  etiquette.  Why.^  I don’t  know 
unless  it  is  a false  pride  that  would  have  those  about 
them  believe  they  have  always  been  accustomed  to 
good  society.  Then  there  is  another  class  of  per- 
sons who  pretend  to  despise  all  rules  of  behavior — 
live  above  them  (it  is  always  below  them,)  as  they 
will  tell  you,  and  they  boldly  assert  that  polite  peo- 
ple are  hypocrites.  I have  in  mind  now,  a promi- 
nent man — of  national  reputation  in  business  circles 
— who  when  a school  teacher  a few  years  ago,  was 
accused  by  enemies  of  “actually  having  a book  of 
etiquette  in  his  library.”  A fire  at  his  residence 
consumed  the  library  which  was  valuable,  and  the 
aforesaid  enemies  ironically  “hoped  the  precious 
book  of  manners  was  saved.” 

Let  me  tell  you,  young  gentlemen,  there  is  no 
book  in  the  world  that  will  be  so  great  a help  to  you 
if  you  practice  its  teachings,  as  a good  work  on 
manners,  unless  it  is  the  dictionary.  I advise  you 
to  supply  yourself  with  one  and  study  it.  Keep  it 
for  reference  the  same  as  you  do  the  dictionary. 
And  here  I want  to  give  you  a little  advice  about 

BOOKS  AND  READING 

which  if  followed  will  greatly  benefit  you.  Let  me 
first  say,  parenthetically,  that  this  chapter  is  written 


368 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


in  the  first  person  in  order  that  I may  come  nearer 
to  my  readers.  I have  an  especially  tender  affection 
for  young  people,  boys  and  girls,  young  men  and 
young  women  and  every  word  to  them  is  dictated 
by  a sincere  desire  to.  help  them.  There  are  very 
few  really  bad  young  people,  but  alas,  how  bad  the 
manners  of  a large  majority  of  them,  and  bad  man- 
ners lead  to  bad  character.  I believe  character  is 
formed  as  well  as  expressed  by  manners. 

Many  of  you  begin  at  an  early  age,  the  vicious 
habit  of  smoking  cigarettes  or  cigars  and  reading 
trashy  novels.  Now  throw  these  away,  or  rather 
don't  buy  them,  count  out  of  each  week’s  wages  or 
salary  the  amount  you  would  have  spent  in  this 
way,  put  it  in  a savings-bank,  and  as  it  accumulates 
buy  the  following  books. 

As  it  will  cost  the  least  and  you  need  it  every  day, 
get  first  the  book  on  manners.  You  can  find  a 
good  one — be  sure  to  get  a late  edition — for  from  a 
dollar  and  a half  to  two  dollars  and  a half. 

Next  get  Webster’s  Unabridged  Dictionary,  latest 
edition,  which  will  cost  you  about  ten  dollars.  If 
you  cannot  keep  it  where  you’  work,  or  if  your 
work  is  such  that  you  need  not  use  it  there,  keep  it 
in  your  room  and  study  it  at  night.  If  anything 
comes  up  during  the  day  either  in  conversation  or 
in  the  newspapers  that  you  do  not  understand,  jot 
it  down  in  a little  “ common-place  book,”  which 
you  should  always  carry  in  your  pocket,  and  look 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


369 


it  up  in  the  evening  or  when  '‘off  duty.”  Don’t 
think  that  a dictionary  is  only  for  the  pronunciation 
and  ordinary  meaning  of  words.  It  is  a small  library 
in  itself  and  you  must  study  it  to  find  what  it  con- 
tains. Spend  at  least  a week  upon  the  prefaces, 
memoir  of  Mr.  Webster,  history  of  the  English 
language,  orthography,  etc.  Every  time  you  hear 
or  read  anything  upon  which  you  want  further  infor- 
mation, and  wish  you  had  time  to  go  to  the  library 
in  search  of  it,  look  first  in  the  dictionary  and 
oftener  than  otherwise  you  will  find,  if  not  just 
what  you  seek,  at  least  a clew  to  where  it  may  be 
found. 

Speaking  of  reading  the  memoir  of  Mr.  Webster, 
brings  to  mind  a prominent  member  of  a debating 
society,  who  startled  us  by  the  astonishing  revela- 
tion that  “ the  great  orator  and  statesman,  Mr. 
Webster,  had  left  no  permanent  record  of  his  great 
speeches.  True  he  gave  us  a great  many  little, 
short  stories  in  his  big  book  called  The  Dictionary,” 
etc.  He  evidently  had  not  studied  the  book  as  a 
lady  of  my  acquaintance  has  done.  She  was  com- 
pelled to  leave  school  at  a very  early  age  on  account 
of  ill  health,  but  she  was  determined  to  be  educated 
anyhow,  so  she  studied  an  English  Dictionary — 
Webster’s — and  Shakespeare.  She  is  intelligent, 
alert  and  in  society  seems  well  educated  and  is,  in 
some  directions.  She  has  the  advantage  too,  of  re- 
fined manners. 


370 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


When  you  have  paid  for  your  dictionary,  let  the 
next  savings  buy  for  you  Dr.  Thomas’  Pronouncing 
Biographical  Dictionar}^,  which  will  cost  you  about 
eight  dollars.  Very  good  copies  of  any  of  these 
volumes  can  be  had  at  second  hand,  at  a much 
lower  price. 

Next  get  a good  edition  of  Shakespeare — the 
Avon  IS  good — and  Brewer’s  Readers’  Hand-book. 

As  a supplement  to  your  “ study  of  the  English 
language,  you  might  add  the  little  books  of  Alfred 
Ayres  (pseudonym  for  Dr.  T.  E.  Osman),  viz: 
Ayres’  Cobbett’s  Grammar  without  a Master.  Ayres’ 
Orthoepist,  Ayres’  Verbalist,  and  Mathews  Words; 
Their  Use  and  Abuse. 

Of  course  every  young  man  has  a Bible.  You 
may  wonder  why  I did  not  put  it  at  the  head  of 
the  list.  Because  you  don’t  read  it  much;  you  don't 
know  how  to  read  it — very  few  of  us  do.  Every 
sentence  of  it  contains  an  underlying  spiritual  mean- 
ing too  deep  for  our  comprehension,  until  we  have 
learned  to  read  it  spiritually.  No  directions  can 
be  given  in  a work  of  this  kind  for  learning  to  read 
the  Bible. 

To  recapitulate,  every  young  man  should  have  in 
his  library: 

A copy  of  the  Bible. 

A Book  of  Etiquette. 

Webster’s  Unabridged  Dictionary. 

Lippincott’s  Thomas’  Biographical  Dictionary. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


371 


Brewer’s  Readers’  Hand-book. 

Shakespeare — Avonedition. 

These  will  cost  you  about  twenty  dollars — the 
price  of  a few  months’  smoking.  It  will  be  well  to 
add  other  books  as  you  can.  If  you  cannot  have 
all  of  the  above,  be  sure  to  start  with  the  first 
three. 

Now  as  to  reading  novels;  the  number  you  read 
will  depend  upon  the  spare  time  you  have  and  your 
access  to  libraries.  The  kind  you  read  will  depend 
somewhat  upon  your  own  taste,  but  more  upon 
your  own  knowledge  or  lack  of  knowledge  of  what 
you  ought  to  read  or  rather  what  novels  are  best  to 
read. 

A mother  who  understands  the  influence  of  books 
will  read  every  book  her  son  reads  before  it  is  put 
into  his  hands,  until  he  is  at  least  twelve  or  four- 
teen years  old.  But  alas,  how  few  do  this.  In 
many  families  the  dreadful  playing-cards  and  the 
wicked  novel  are  never  allowed  to  come  into  the 
house  and  the  dutiful  son  steals  out  to  the  straw- 
stack  to  play  his  little  game  with  other  dutiful  sons, 
or  crouches  upon  the  curb-stone  under  the  street 
lamp  to  read  the  filthy  trash  he  has  managed  to 
get  hold  of  somehow,  and  the  poor  mother  wonders 
why  her  dear  child  whom  she  has  loved  so  tenderly, 
should  go  astray  from  the  paths  of  virtue. 

If  your  reading  has  been  guided  in  your  younger 
years  by  mother  or  teacher  or  by  good  taste  upon 


372 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


your  own  part,  you  can  select  your  own  novels;  if 
you  have  had  none  of  these  advantages,  it  will  be 
well  to  seek  the  advice  of  some  morally  pure  man 
or  some  intelligent,  good  woman,  either  of  whom 
will  gladly  assist  you.  Of  course  your  more  solid 
reading  will  be  guided  by  your  business,  inclination, 
future  prospects,  etc. 

There  are  so  many  good  books  on  most  subjects 
in  which  a young  man  is,  or  should  be  interested 
that  it  would  take  too  much  space  to  give  lists 
here;  however,  for  the  sake  of  cultivating  correct 
style,  it  would  be  well  to  read  such  authors  as 
Macaulay,  Sidney  Smith,  Jeremy  Taylor,  Cobbet, 
Walton,  Hugh  Miller,  Milton,  Shakespeare,  Benja- 
min Franklin,  Irving,  Emerson,  Motley,  Hawthorne, 
E.  P.  Whipple  and  many  others,  both  English  and 
American. 


DRESS  AND  PERSONAL  HABITS. 

The  degree  of  civilization  attained  by  any  coun- 
try, is  said  to  be  indicated  by  the  number  of  its 
public  baths.  You  may  not  have  access  to  a pub- 
lic bath  and  might  not  care  to  avail  yourself  of  its 
privileges  if  you  had,  but  there  are  plenty  of  pri- 
vate baths  and  if  there  were  none,  you  could  still 
show  your  civilization  by  taking  a sponge  bath  or 
any  kind,  only  so  you  are  cleanly  in  all  details. 

Soiled  linen  is  slovenly,  and  to  wear  it  is  not 
economy.  Be  not  untidy  in  anything.  “Neatness 


TO  YOUNG  MEN.  373 

is  one  of  the  most  important  of  the  minor  morals.” 
The  dress  of  a man,  as  well  as  that  of  a woman, 
indicates  character,  and  refinement  of  character  is 
said  never  to  be  found  with  vulgarity  of  dress. 
Lord  Chesterfield  urged  upon  his  son  a due  atten- 
tion to  dress  and  said,  “A  man  of  sense,  dresses  as 
well  and  in  the  same  manner  as  the  people  of  sense 
and  fashion  of  the  place  where  he  is.  If  he  dresses 
better,  as  he  thinks — that  is,  more  than  they — he  is 
a fop;  if  he  dresses  worse,  he  is  unpardonably  neg- 
ligent; but  of  the  two,  I would  rather  have  a young 
fellow  too  much  than  too  little  dressed;  the  excess 
on  that  side  will  wear  off  with  a little  age  and  re- 
flection; but  if  he  is  negligent  at  tzventy,  he  veill 
be  a sloven  at  forty.'"  “Dress  yourself  fine  where 
others  are  fine,  and  plain  where  others  are  plain; 
but  take  care  always  that  your  clothes  are  well 
made  and  fit  you,  for  otherwise  they  will  give  you 
a very  awkward  air.  When  you  are  once  well 
dressed  for  the  day,  think  no  more  of  it  afterward, 
and,  without  any  stiffness  for  fear  of  discomposing 
that  dress,  let  all  your  motions  be  as  easy  and  nat- 
ural as  if  you  had  no  clothes  on  at  all.” 

MORNING  DRESS. 

At  breakfasts,  luncheons,  weddings,  receptions  of 
all  kinds,  matinees,  visits  of  ceremony,  and,  indeed, 
to  anything  that  occurs  in  the  day  time,  a gentle- 
man must  wear  a morning  costume,  no  matter  how 


374 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


grand  the  toilettes  of  the  ladies.  Fashion  and  eti- 
quette demand  it.  A dark  or  black  frock  coat  with 
vest  of  the  same,  and  lighter  trousers,  cut  accord- 
ing to  the  prevailing  style,  are  in  the  best  form  for 
all  daylight  social  affairs.  In  the  country,  knicker- 
bockers are  fashionable  day  suits,  and  a gentleman, 
if  he  rides  or  walks,  may  pay  visits  to  familiar  ac- 
quaintances in  such  attire,  but  if  he  drives  or  is 
visiting  elderly  persons  or  strangers,  this  dress  is 
too  unceremonious. 

EVENING  DRESS. 

Evening  dress  for  gentlemen — full  dress — is  the 
same,  whatever  the  nature  of  the  evening’s  enter- 
tainment. A gentleman  dresses  for  dinner  (at  six 
or  seven  o’clock),  and  is  then  prepared  alike  for 
calls,  opera  or  ball.  The  evening  costume  is  black, 
the  coat  “swallow-tail,”  waistcoat  cut  low,  the 
cravat  white,  thin  patent  leather  boots  and  gloves 
of  some  pale  tint — white  gloves  are  no  longer  worn. 

Sunday  evenings,  morning  dress  is  worn.  No 
one  goes  to  church  in  evening  dress,  and  no  one  is 
expected  to  appear  in  it  at  home  or  away  from 
home  on  that  day.  In  some  circles  evening  dress 
is  considered  an  affectation,  and  it  is  well  in  small 
tovv^ns  to  do  as  others  do. 

Low  cut  waistcoats  are  not  worn  with  frock 
coats,  or  with  any  but  dress  coats. 

White  neckties  are  worn  only  with  evening  dress. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


375 


At  other  times  the  use  of  them  is  confined  to  but- 
lers and  waiters,  together  with  suits  of  shining  black 
cloth.  The  Paris  Figaro,  several  years  since,  told 
a story  of  the  confounding  of  the  master  with  the 
man  on  account  of  their  dress.  “The  other  day  a 
gentleman  in  this  equivocal  suit  presented  himself 
with  a package  under  his  arm,  at  the  door  of  the 

celebrated  modiste,  Madame  W . The  porter, 

taking  him,  by  the  cut  of  his  coat,  for  one  of  his 
own  set,  showed  him  up  by  the  servants’  staircase. 
He  took  the  way  indicated,  and  after  handing  to 
the  madame  a diamond  head-dress  to  be  altered, 
said,  • My  wife  being  unable  to  come,  I have  brought 
it  myself.  Pray  do  it  as  soon  as  possible,  and  don’t 
disappoint  her.’  As  he  was  leaving,  he  added,  ‘I 
must  congratulate  you,  madame,  upon  the  excellent 
arrangement  of  your  establishment,’  and  explained 
how  he  had  been  shown  up  by  the  kitchen  way. 
The  modiste  Vv^as  in  a terrible  rage  at  her  porter, 
for  the  servant,  as  he  had  supposed,  was  no  less  a 
personage  than  the  great  Monsieur  Rouker,  the 
prime  minister  of  imperial  France,  who  had  under- 
taken, v/hen  in  full  dress  for  dinner,  a commission 
for  his  wife.” 

Worsted  or  cotton  gloves  are  not  permissible 
anywhere,  nor  under  any  circumstances.  Ungloved 
hands  are  preferable. 

Straw  and  felt  hats  are  not  worn  with  frock- 


coats. 


376 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


A white  necktie  should  not  be  worn  with  a frock- 
coat. 

JEWELKY. 

It  is  considered  bad  form  for  men  to  wear  much 
jewelry.  One  plain  handsome  ring,  studs  and 
sleeve-links  and  watch-chain  are  more  “aristo- 
cratic,” than  much  ornament. 

GLOVES. 

Gloves  are  worn  in  the  street,  at  a ball,  at  the 
opera  or  theatre,  at  receptions,  at  church,  when 
making  a call,  driving  or  riding,  but  not  at  a dinner. 

THE  DRESS-COAT. 

“Confusion  has  prevailed  in  the  minds  of  some 
American  men  as  to  the  occasions  when  a dress- 
coat  is  to  be  worn.  A man  never  puts  on  his 
dress-coat  before  his  seven  o’clock  dinner;  if,  how- 
ever, there  is  to  be  a ceremonious  occasion  in  day- 
light, where  full  dress  is  desired,  the  shutters 
should  be  closed  and  the  gas  lighted.  A gentleman 
in  dress-coat  and  white  necktie,  feels  as  uncomfor- 
table in  the  daylight,  as  would  a lady  in  low  neck 
and  short  sleeves.  Morning  dress  and  evening 
dress  for  men,  varies  as  decidedly  as  it  does  for 
women.’  ’ 

Frenchmen  are  married  in  dress-coats  at  morn- 
ing weddings,  Englishmen  in  frock-coats. 

A dress-coat  at  a morning  or  afternoon  reception, 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


377 


on  any  one  but  a waiter,  is  as  much  out  of  place  as 
a frock  coat  would  be  at  a large  dinner-party. 

Evening  dress  for  gentlemen  is  the  same  the 
world  over. 

THE  BATH,  ETC. 

I have  spoken  of  the  bath  ; let  me  add  (though 
it  is  probably  unnecessary)  that  the  use  of  flesh- 
brush, and  the  care  of  the  teeth,  nails  and  hair  are 
quite  as  essential  to  health  and  a good  appearance 
as  are  tidiness  and  suitableness  in  the  dress. 

LONG  HAIR  AND  NAILS. 

Long  nails  and  long  hair  are  an  abomination  to 
refined  society.  Only  artists  and  authors  with 
Bohemian  tendencies,  who  indulge  in  colored  cra- 
vats, showy  shirt  fronts,  huge  studs,  etc.,  are 
expected  to  make  themselves  conspicuous  by  wear- 
ing them. 

DRESSING  GOWN  AND  SLIPPERS. 

Never  wear  dressing-gown  and  slippers  anywhere 
out  of  your  bed  room.  To  appear  at  the  table  or 
in  any  company  in  this  garb  is  vulgar. 

Never  sit  at  table  or  appear  in  company  in 
your  shirt  sleeves.  The  lady  who  presides  at  table 
should  insist  upon  refined  manners  every  day  and 
under  all  circumstances.  What  if  you  are  in  a 
hurry.  Curb  your  impatience.  Never  be  in  a 
hurry. 


25 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


^378 

THE  HAT. 

The  hat  should  not  be  worn  in  a private  office, 
any  more  than  in  a drawing  room.  Wear  your  hat 
squarely  upon  the  head,  not  pushed  back  or  “tilted” 
over  the  eye. 

HOW  TO  WALK. 

“Don’t  walk  with  a slouching,  slovenly  gait. 
Walk  erectly  and  firmly,  not  stiffly ; walk  with 
ease,  but  still  with  dignity.  Don’t  bend  out  the 
knees,  nor  walk  in-toed,  nor  drag  your  feet  along ; 
walk  in  a large,  easy,  simple  manner,  without 
affectation  but  not  negligently.” 

It  does  not  look  well  to  carry  your  hands  in  your 
pockets,  nor  put  your  thumbs  into  the  arm  holes  of 
your  waistcoat. 

THE  TOOTHPICK 

is  intended  to  be  used  only  in  case  of  necessity  at 
table  and  then  only  for  a moment,  and  should  not 
be  carried  around  between  the  lips  or  teeth. 

TOBACCO. 

Why  do  you  chew  tobacco,  or  smoke  cigars,  or 
worse  still,  a pipe  ? Because  others  do  ? If  others 
take  poison,  is  that  any  good  reason  why  you 
should.^  It  is  injurious  to  health,  discolors  the 
teeth,  taints  the  breath,  gives  the  clothing  a dis- 
agreeable odor  and  is  a filthy  and  ungentlemanly 
habit.  If  any  of  you  who  read  this  are  trying  to 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


375 


give  up  the  habit  and  find  it  difficult  to  break  away 
from  it,  I think  I can  suggest  a remedy.  I would 
advise  you  to  go  to  a certain  western  city  (which  I 
will  indicate  to  you  privately,  if  you  are  in  earnest) 
and  promenade  with  your  mother  or  sister,  or 
som.ebody  else’s  sister,  upon  a certain  respectable 
street,  where  for  nearly  a whole  block,  the  ladies 
will  have  to  lift  their  skirts  to  keep  them  out  of  the 
puddles  of  the  vile  stuff  expectorated  there  by 
tobacco  chewers  who  perch  along  the  railings  and 
stand  around  obstructing  the  sidewalk.  The  ladies 
will  also  need  overshoes  to  protect  their  boots. 
Life  is  made  a burden  to  all  respectable  people  who 
are  obliged  to  pass  that  way  (there  are  respectable 
shops  and  offices,  including  a branch  post-office,  all 
along  the  route).  And  all  this  is  done  by  creatures 
which  women  are  taught  to  love,  honor  and  obey, 
and  in  a state  which  has  the  least  percentage  of 
illiteracy  of  any  state  in  the  Union.  The  next 
crusade  against  any  particular  immorality,  ought 
to  be  made  against  the  use  of  tobacco. 

Of  course  they  are  not  gentlemen,  who  thus  be- 
foul this  sidewalk,  but  every  one  of  them  is  some 
poor  mother’s  son;  and  the  spectacle  of  their 
degredation  ought  to  so  stir  the  self-respect  of  any 
gentleman  as  to  enable  him  to  drop  the  tobacco 
habit  at  once.  The  better  way  is  never  to  begin  it, 
'‘For  what  a man  soweth,  that  shall  he  reap.” 


38o 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


From  an  act  you  reap  a custom  ; from  a custom  a 
habit,  and  from  habit  you  reap  character. 

LAUGHING. 

If  there  is  anything  to  laugh  at,  laugh  heartily 
and  ‘ ' sympathetically,’  ’ but  not  boisterously.  Don’t 
make  a contortionist  of  yourself  in  expressing 
merriment  and  don’t  smile  or  ‘ ‘grin”  without  pro- 
vocation. The  man  who  grins  or  keeps  his  lips 
apart,  or  his  mouth  habitually  open,  is  marked  by 
physiognomists  as  “simple.”  One  puts  it  tersely 
thus,  “Shut  your  mouth.”  Breathe  through  the 
nostrils  and  not  through  the  mouth,  especially 
when  sleeping,  is  the  advice  of  physicians.  “ Keep 
the  mouth  closed  except  when  you  open  it  for  a 
purpose.  An  open  mouth  effects  the  teeth  and  the 
health.” 

UNEASINESS. 

Never  be  fidgety.  No  matter  how  time  may  drag 
to  you,  do  not  let  this  be  apparent  to  others  by  any 
visible  sign  of  uneasiness.  Don’t  stroke  your 
whiskers,  or  twist  your  moustache,  or  adjust  your 
hair.  Keep  yourself  quiet  and  composed.  Emer- 
son says,  “Coolness  and  absence  of  heat  and  haste 
indicate  fine  qualities.  A gentleman  makes  no 
noise;  a lady  is  serene.”  And  also,  “Defect  in 
manners  is  usually  the  defect  of  fine  perceptions.” 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


381 


FAMILIARITY. 

Never  be  over-familiar  yourself,  nor  submit  to 
familiarity  from  others.  ^ Never  address  a lady  by 
her  Christian  name,  unless  she  be  a very  young  lady 
with  whose  family  you  are  on  terms  of  intimacy. 
Never  strike  your  friend  on  the  back  and  ‘‘hail  him 
Tom  or  Jack.”  Give  no  physical  manifestations  of 
3^our  pleasure.  ( See  also  this  subject  in  the  chap- 
ter “The  Conversation  of  Society.”) 

' INTRUDING  ON  PRIVACY. 

Never  enter  a private  apartment  without  knock- 
ing. Respect  the  privacy  of  your  friends  however 
intimate  you  may  be  with  them.  Let  this  include 
letters,  desks,  trunks,  all  their  belongings.  Never 
read  a written  paper  which  may  be  lying  upon  the 
desk  of  another.  It  is  not  only  unrefined  and  low- 
bred, but  is  positively  dishonest.  Of  course  no 
gentleman  ever  looks  over  the  shoulder  of  another 
who  is  reading  or  writing,  or  questions  children  or 
servants  upon  affairs  which  are  none  of  his  business. 

SUPERIORS  AND  INFERIORS. 

“ Don’t  be  servile  toward  superiors,  nor  arrogant 
toward  inferiors.  Maintain  your  dignity  and  self- 
respect  in  one  case,  and  exhibit  a regard  for  the 
feelings  of  people,  whatever  their  station  may  be, 
in  the  other.” 

“ The  man  who  neglects  his  equals  for  the  pur- 


382 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


pose  of  courting  his  superiors,  still  more  who  con- 
fesses or  asserts  his  inferiority  when  associating  with 
them,  and  who  submits  to  rebuffs  and  indignities 
for  the  sake  of  being  thought  their  associate,  above 
all,  who  condones  in  them  vices  which  he  would 
not  brook  in  an  equal,  is  justly  liable  to  the  charge 
(of  toadyism)  which,  however,  only  asserts  the  ex- 
aggeration of  a tendency  affecting  almost  all  his 
censors.” 

WINE-DRINKING. 

If  you  drink  wine  or  spirits,  let  it  be  at  dinner 
and  don’t  drink  too  much  then.  If  invited  to  a 
dinner  where  wine  is  served  and  you  do  not  wish 
it,  you  have  a perfect  right  to  decline  ; but  do  it 
quietly  and  courteously,  without  remarks  as  to  the 
injurious  effects,  etc.  It  is  injurious  to  health  and 
to  morals  and  we  wish  it  were  not  used  by  any- 
body ; but  when  you  accept  a proffered  hospitality, 
you  have  no  right  to  deliver  a temperance  or  any 
other  lecture,  or  find  fault  with  anything  offered  for 
your  entertainment. 

WHISTLING. 

“Censor”  in  his  little  book  “Don’t”,  says: 
“Don’t  whistle  in  the  street,  in  public  vehicles,  at 
public  assemblies,  or  anywhere  where  it  may  annoy. 
Mem.:  Don’t  whistle  at  all.”  I object  to  the  last 

sentence.  Much  of  life’s  pleasure  would  be  taken 
from  very  young  men  if  they  couldn’t  whistle. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


383 


You  may  whistle  when  you  are  in  the  country,  or 
anywhere  else  if  no  one  is  disturbed  by  it,  that  is 
if  you  are  alone.  Of  course  you  would  not  whistle 
in  the  presence  of  others. 

IN  THE  DRAWING-ROOM. 

The  laws  of  society  are  framed  by  the  unanimous 
consent  of  men  and  in  all  essentials  they  differ  very 
little  all  over  the  world;  yet  in  minor  points  of 
etiquette  what  is  proper  in  one  country  may  be 
considered  vulgar  in  another.  The  golden  rule  is 
one  of  the  fundamental  principles  of  society.  One 
of  the  objects  of  social  laws  and  customs  is 
harmony  of  action. 

The  arbitrary  rules  which  society  imposes  upon 
its  members  and  which  continually  restrict  them  in 
their  actions,  in  telling  them  how  they  must  eat 
and  drink,  and  dress,  and  walk,  and  talk,  etc.,  all 
tend  to  one  end,  the  preservation  of  harmony,  and 
the  prevention  of  one  person’s  usurping  the  rights 
of  another  or  intruding  upon  his  province. 

High  moral  character,  a polished  education,  a 
perfect  command  of  temper,  delicate  feeling,  good 
habits  and  a good  bearing  are  the  indispensible 
requisites  of  good  society.  These  constitute  good 
breeding  and  produce  good  manners.  A good 
definition  of  good  society  is  the  meeting  on  a foot- 
ing of  equality,  and  for  the  purpose  of  mutual  en- 
tertainment. of  men  or  women,  or  of  men  and 


384 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


women  together,  of  good  character,  good  educa- 
tion and  good  breeding. 

Good  breeding  is  the  same  in  the  country  as  in 
the  city,  but  customs  vary  in  different  sections,  and 
what  was  proper  for  you  to  do  in  the  countr}^  may 
be  considered  improper  in  the  city,  so  you  will  have 
to  change  your  customs  to  suit  your  surroundings. 
This  is  very  easy  for  a “natural  gentleman,”  or  one 
of  high  breeding  to  do.  Thackery’s  “Finding  a 
Gentleman,”  will  be  a good  introduction  to  our 
instructions  for  your  deportment  in  the  drawing- 
room. 

“Indeed,  you  may  dress  two  men  alike  and 
when  they  are  sent  into  promiscuous  company,  one 
will  sit  down  as  a gentleman  and  the  other  as 
something  else.  Yet  neither  may  commit  a posi- 
tive breach  of  manners  or  do  anything  exception- 
ally brilliant  in  the  way  of  politeness.  They  are 
judged  upon  the  principle  that  a straw  suffices  to 
show  Vv^hich  way  the  wind  blows.  The  angles  at 
which  they  hold  their  arms,  the  manner  in  which 
they  shake  hands,  the  way  in  which  they  walk 
and  stand,  the  method  which  they  adopt  of.  us- 
ing their  pocket  handkerchiefs,  and  other  little 
things,  all  tend  to  form  the  judgment  which  is 
passed  upon  them.  At  the  same  time,  it  is  doubt- 
ful whether  the  judges,  unless  they  are  of  a strongly 
analytical  turn  of  mind,  note  in  detail  the  signs 
upon  which  the  verdicts  are  formed;  the  sign,  so  to 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


38s 


speak,  being  more  palpable  to  the  instinct  than  the 
understanding.  The  signs  that  we  have  indicated 
are,  of  course,  supplemented  by  others.  When 
men  talk,  they  are  bound  to  show,  to  a greater  or 
less  extent,  the  stuff  of  which  they  are  made.  Thus, 
after  the  two  persons  in  question  have  relieved 
themselves  of  their  sentiments,  and  have  joked  for 
a certain  time,  the  grounds  upon  which  they  are 
judged  become  somewhat  clearer  than  they  were  at 
first.” 

While  a gentle  manner  is  natural  to  a few  for- 
tunate souls,  all  may  acquire  it  to  some  extent  by 
discipline. 

I have  told  you  in  the  several  chapters  of  this 
book  what  is  etiquette  for  gentlemen  under  various 
circumstances  and  in  different  places,  and  will, 
therefore,  add  but  little  for  the  drawing-room. 

Cultivate  a habit  of  ease  and  grace  by  constant 
association  with  people  of  refined  manners.  “Awk- 
wardness,” says  Lord  Chesterfield,  “can  proceed 
but  from  two  causes;  either  from  not  having  kept 
good  company,  or  from  not  having  attended  to  it.” 
“When  an  awkward  fellow  first  comes  into  a room, 
it  is  highly  probable  that  his  sword  gets  between 
his  legs  and  throws  him  down,  or  makes  him  stum- 
ble, at  least.  When  he  has  recovered  this  acci- 
dent, he  goes  and  places  himself  in  the  very  place, 
of  the  whole  room,  where  he  should  not.  There 
he  soon  lets  his  hat  fall  down  and  in  taking  it  up 


386 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


again,  throws  down  his  cane;  in  recovering  his 
cane,  his  hat  falls  a second  time,  so  that  he  is  a 
quarter  of  an  hour  before  he  is  in  order  again.” 
“His  hands  are  troublesome  to  him  when  he  has 
not  something  in  them  and  he  does  not  know 
where  to  put  them,  but  they  are  in  perpetual  mo- 
tion between  his  bosom  and  his  breeches.  He  does 
not  wear  his  clothes,  and,  in  short,  does  nothing  like, 
.other  people.” 

As  has  been  mentioned  in  the  chapter  on  Visit- 
ing and  Cards,  a gentleman  should  leave  his  over- 
coat and  overshoes  in  the  hall,  when  calling.  Carry 
your  hat,  cane  and  gloves  in  your  hand.  If  for  any 
reason  you  desire  to  be  relieved  of  them,  put  them 
on  the  floor  beside  you.  If,  however,  you  are  mak- 
ing an  informal  call  in  the  evening,  upon  intimate 
friends,  you  may  leave  your  hat  and  cane  in  the 
hall.  Of  course  you  will  never  take  your  umbrella 
into  the  drawing-room. 

If  the  hostess  offer  her  hand  take  it.  It  is  proper 
to  shake  hands  with  other  ladies,  if  they  offer  to  do 
so,  otherwise  a bow  is  sufficient.  The  older  person 
or  the  one  of  higher  rank  takes  the  initiative  in 
hand-shaking.  Ladies  always  out-rank  gentlemen. 

A hostess  who  understands  the  usages  of  good 
society  will  not  ask  to  take  your  hat  or  cane.  She 
will  pay  no  attention  to  them. 

Take  any  unoccupied  chair  without  waiting  for 
your  hostess  to  look  after  you. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


387 


You  should  rise  upon  the  entrance  of  ladies,  but 
do  not  offer  seats  to  them  unless  in  your  own  house, 
or  requested  to  do  so  by  the^  hostess,  and  then  do 
not  offer  your  own  chair  if  there  are  others  avail- 
able. 

You  should  rise  when  the  ladies  with  whom  you 
are  talking  rise  to  take  their  leave. 

Choose  a moment  when  there  is  a lull  in  the  con- 
versation, for  taking  leave  of  the  hostess,  letting 
one  bow  include  the  others  in  the  room. 

On  entering  a drawing-room,  “don’t  be  in  a pre- 
cipitate hurry  to  get  into  a chair.  It  is  just  as 
graceful,  as  easy  and  as  proper  to  stand,  and  it  is 
easier  to  converse  when  in  that  attitude.” 

Says  the  author  of  the  “Bazar  Book  of  Deco- 
rum:” “In  society,  ordinarily  termed  good,  it  is 
not  customary  to  sit  upon  more  than  one  chair  at  a 
time.  Sprawling  of  all  kinds  is  avoided 

by  well-bred  people,  who  shun  excessive  ease  as 
much  as  excessive  formality.  It  may  not  be  amiss 
to  remind  the  heedless  and  the  young  that,  on  en- 
tering the  room  of  the  house  of  a stranger  or  that 
of  a visiting  acquaintance,  it  is  not  becoming  to 
throw  themselves  at  once  on  the  sofa  and  stretch 
out  their  legs,  or  into  the  Voltaire  or  easy-chair, 
and  sink  into  its  luxurious  depths.  The  common 
seat  will  be  selected  by  the  considerate,  and  all  the 
exceptional  provisions  for  extra  ease  and  comfort 


388  TO  YOUNG  MEN. 

left  untouched  until  the  invitation  to  enjoy  them  is 
given.” 

ATTITUDES. 

Of  course  a gentleman  will  never  loll,  lounge,  sit 
with  his  legs  crossed,  fidget,  yawn,  bite  the  nails, 
twirl  the  watch-chain,  or  sit  with  the  chair  resting 
on  its  hind  legs. 

He  will  not  gnaw  the  head  of  his  cane,  nor  trace 
the  figures  in  the  carpet  with  the  end  of  it. 

He  will  not  stare  at  the  furnishings  of  the  room, 
nor  the  people  present. 

He  will  not  read  in  company.  He  may,  however, 
look  over  a book  of  engravings. 

He  must  not  be  self-conscious.  The  simpler  and 
more  easy  and  unconstrained  his  manners,  the 
more  he  will  impress  those  about  him  with  his  good 
breeding. 

He  will  be  cordial,  but  not  familiar,  remember- 
ing that  it  is  better  not  to  be  “too  much  ac- 
quainted.” 

MOODS. 

He  will  not  carry  his  moods  into  company.  He 
will  look  pleasantly  and  speak  kindly  to  those  about 
him.  He  never  sulks. 

He  will  not  afflict  his  hearers  with  an  account  o^ 
his  aches  and  pains,  or  his  mental  worries,  or  finan- 
cial affairs.  We  do  not  meet  in  society  to  groan 


TO  YOUNG  MEN.  389 

over  afflictions,  but  to  try  to  forget  them  and  to 
help  others  forget  theirs. 

TALKING. 

A gentleman  does  not  talk  to  any  one  person 
across  another,  or  whisper  in  company.  If  what 
he  desires  to  say  can  not  be  spoken  aloud,  he 
reserves  it  for  a more  suitable  occasion. 

He  does  not  call  attention  to  himself  by  loud 
talking  or  laughing;  and  does  not  monopolize  the 
conversation. 

He  never  talks  about  himself  or  his  affairs.  He 
understands  that  to  be  agreeable,  he  must  talk 
about  what  interests  his  hearers  and  not  what  inter- 
ests him.  At  the  same  time  he  will  not  be  patroniz- 
ing in  his  manner. 

He  does  not  talk  to  one  person  of  the  company 
about  matters,  which  solely  concern  that  person  and 
himself,  or  which  they  alone  understand. 

- He  does  not  talk  about  people  that  are  unknown 
to  those  present. 

He  does  not  refer  to  any  scandals  or  ugly  rumors 
that  may  be  current. 

Neither  does  he  discuss  equivocal  people,  or 
broach  topics  of  questionable  propriety. 

He  is  not  witty  at  the  expense  of  others. 

He  ridicules  no  one,  present  or  absent. 

He  does  not  allow  his  conversation  or  talk  to  dis- 
turb the  harmony  of  the  company. 


390 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


If  asked  his  opinion  upon  any  subject,  he  states 
it  modestly,  without  argument,  unless  requested  to 
give  his  reasons  “for  the  faith  that  is  in  him,’’ 
which  he  gives  with  quiet  dignit},  expressing  no 
anxiety  to  have  others  believe  as  he  does. 

He  does  not  boast  of  the  superior  advantages  he 
may  have  had. 

He  does  not  seem  to  notice  the  deformity  or  pecu- 
liarity of  another. 

Among  the  many  things  which  a gentleman  does 
not,  or  should  not  do,  the  author  of  “Don’t,”  has 
pointed  out  so  well  the  following  (among  many 
others)  that  I copy  them  in  his  own  language. 

“ Don’t  dwell  on  the  beauty  of  women  not  pres- 
ent; on  the  splendor  of  other  people’s  houses;  on 
the  success  of  other  people’s  entertainments;  on  the 
superiority  of  anybody.  Excessive  praise  of  peo- 
ple or  things  elsewhere  implies  discontent  with 
people  or  things  present. 

“Don’t  fail  to  exercise  tact.  If  you  have  not  tact, 
you  at  least  can  think  first  about  others  and  next 
about  yourself,  and  this  will  go  a good  way  toward 
it. 

“Don’t  introduce  religious  or  political  topics.  Dis- 
cussions on  these  subjects  are  very  apt  to  cause 
irritation,  and  hence  it  is  best  to  avoid  them. 

“Don’t  give  a false  coloring  to  your  statements. 
Truthfulness  is  largely  a matter  of  habit.  Where 
very  few  people  would  deceive  or  lie  maliciously, 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


391 


many  become  wholly  untrustworthy  on  account  of 
their  habit  of  exaggeration  and  false  coloring. 

“Don’t  interrupt.  To  cut  one  short  in  the  middle 
of  his  story  is  unpardonable. 

“Don’t  contradict.  Difference  of  opinion  is  no 
cause  of  offense,  but  downright  contradiction  is  a 
violation  of  one  of  the  canons  of  good  society. 

“Don’t  be  disputatious.  An  argument  which  goes 
rapidly  from  one  to  another  may  be  tolerated;  but 
when  two  people  in  company  fall  into  a heated  dis- 
pute, to  the  exclusion  of  all  other  topics,  the  hostess 
should  arbitrarily  interfere  and  banish  the  theme. 

“Don’t  be  long-winded.  When  you  have  a story 
to  tell,  do  not  go  into  every  detail  and  branch  off 
at  every  word — be  direct,  compact,  clear  and  get  to 
the  point  as  soon  as  you  can. 

“Don’t  cling  to  one  subject;  don’t  talk  about  mat- 
ters that  people  generally  are  not  interested  in; 
don’t  in  short,  be  a bore. 

“Don’t  repeat  old  jokes  nor  tell  time-worn  stories. 
Don’t  make  obvious  puns.  An  occasional  pun,  if  a 
good  one,  is  a good  thing;  but  a ceaseless  flow  of 
puns  is  simply  maddening. 

“Don’t  repeat  anecdotes,  good  or  bad.  A very 
good  thing  becomes  foolishness  to  the  ears  of  the 
listener  after  hearing  it  several  times. 

“Don’t  respond  to  remarks  made  to  you,  with  mere 
monosyllables.  This  is  chilling,  if  not  fairly  insult- 
ing. Have  something  to  say,  and  say  it. 


392 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


“ Don’t  appear  listless  and  indifferent,  or  exhibit 
impatience  when  others  are  talking.  Listening 
politely  to  every  one,  is  a cardinal  necessity  of  good 
breeding. 

“Don’t  be  conceited.  Don’t  dilate  on  your  own 
acquirements  or  achievements;  don’t  expatiate  on 
what  you  have  done  or  are  going  to  do,  or  on  your 
superior  talents  in  anything. 

“ Don’t  always  make  yourself  the  hero  of  your  own 
stories. 

“Don’t  show  a disposition  to  find  fault  or  depre- 
ciate. Indiscriminate  praise  is  nauseating;  but,  on 
the  other  hand,  indiscriminate  condemnation  is  irri- 
tating. A man  of  the  world  should  , have  good  ap- 
preciation and  good  depreciation — that  is,  a keen 
sense  of  the  merits  of  a thing,  and  an  equally  keen 
sense  of  its  faults. 

'‘Don’t  be  sulky  because  you  imagine  yourself 
neglected.  Think  only  of  pleasing;  and  try  to  please. 
You  will  end  by  being  pleased. 

“Don’t  show  repugnance  even  to  a bore.  A su- 
preme test  of  politeness  is  submission  to  various 
social  inflictions  without  a wince. 

“ Don’ t,  vv^hen  at  the  card-table,  moisten  your 
thumb  and  fingers  at  your  lips  in  order  to  facilitate 
the  dealing  of  the  cards.  This  common  habit  is 
very  vulgar.  The  aristocratic  circles  of  a European 
court  were  much  horrified  a few  years  ago  by  the 
practice  of  this  trick  by  the  American  embassador. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN.  393 

“ Don’t  show  ill-temper,  if  the  game  goes,  against 
you. 

“ Don’t  fail  in  proper  attention  to  elderly  people. 
Young  persons  are  often  scandalously  neglectful  of 
the  aged,  especially  if  they  are  deaf  or  otherwise 
afflicted.  Nothing  shows  a better  heart,  or  a nicer 
sense  of  true  politeness,  than  kindly  attention  to 
those  advanced  in  years. 

“ Don’t  in  company  open  a book  and  begin  reading, 
to  yourself.  If  you  are  tired  of  the  company, 'with- 
draw; if  not,  honor  it  with  your  attention. 

“Don’t,  in  entering  or  leaving  a room  with  ladies, 
go  before  them.  They  should  have  precedence 
always. 

“ Don’t  keep  looking  at  your  watch,  as  if  you  were 
impatient  for  the  time  to  pass. 

“ Don’ t wear  out  your  welcome  by  too  long  a stay; 
on  the  other  hand,  don’t  break  up  the  company  by 
a premature  departure.  A little  observation  and 
good  sense  will  enable  you  to  detect  the  right  time 
to  say  ‘ good  night.  ’ ’ ’ 

PURITY  OR  IMPURITY  OF  SPEECH. 

In  addition  to  what  has  been  said  in  the  chapter 
on  “The  Conversation  of  Society,”  I wish  to  say  to 
young  men,  if  you  have  not  always  been  accus- 
tomed to  hearing  and  speaking  good  English,  your 
grammar  and  pronunciation  will  find  you  out,  unless 
you  heed  the  advice  given  you  to  study  grammar 


394 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


and  the  writers  of  the  best  English.  You  should 
also  frequent  habitually,  the  company  of  the  refined. 
Listen  attentively  to  their  conversation  and  when 
you  hear  a word  pronounced  differently,  from  what 
you  have  been  accustomed  to,  look  it  up  in  the 
dictionary  as  soon  as  you  go  home.  Seeing  it  will 
help  to  impress  the  correct  pronunciation  upon  your 
memory.  When  you  find  you  have  been  wrong, 
change  at  once,  no  matter  if  you  are  laughed  at  by 
those  who  know  no  better.  You  have  no  more  right 
to  mispronounce  a word  when  you  know  what  is 
correct,  than  you  have  to  misstate  a thing  when 
you  know  the  truth. 

A young  lady  went  into  the  flower-garden  one 
morning  as  was  her  wont,  and  called  to  her  sister 
who  was  in  the  house,  “Mary,  see  this  beautiful 
humming-bird.^”  “Where.^^”  asked  the  sister. 
'‘There,  in  a gla^//’olus,”  (placing  the  accent  on  the 
second  syllable.)  “ Glad-/-olus  ” said  Mary  scorn- 
fully, “ Glad-/-olus!  Yesterday  it  was  gladi-^^-lus! 
what  has  changed  it?”  “It  is  not  changed  at  all  my 
good  sister.  It  is  only  I that  have  changed;  been 
converted;  learned  a truth.”  “ Well,  you  can  em- 
phasize the  i if  you  wish,  but  it  is  priggish.  I shall 
go  on  with  the 

Miss  Mary  had  a lover.  He  had  learned  the  “new 
pronunciation”  of  glad/olus  at  the  same  time  with 
the  sister,  Martha.  It  was  only  a few  days  after 
Mary’s  discovery  of  this  latter  fact,  that  she  quietly 


TO  YOUNG  MEN.  395 

adopted  the  correct  accent  and  thought  it  an  im- 
provement on  the  “old  way.” 

Don’t  think  it  priggish  to  learn  the  correct  way 
of  expressing  your  thoughts. 

If  you  have  a harsh  voice,  cultivate  it.  A good 
teacher  would  be  an  advantage  to  you. 

Words  are  the  symbols  of  thoughts. 

“ Words  are  things,”  living  things;  so  you  have  no 
right  to  abuse  them.  “ A word  fitly  spoken  is  like 
apples  of  gold  in  pictures  of  silver,”  says  Solomon. 

Don’ t use  large  or  grand  words.  Express  your 
thoughts  simply.  Great  words  are  apt  to  cover 
small  thoughts  and  if  you  attempt  to  use  a large 
word  and  use  it  incorrectly  or  mispronounce  it,  it 
makes  you  ridiculous. 

Don’t  speak  of  a “party,”  an  “individual,”  an 
“urchin”  or  a “ juvenile,”  if  you  want  to  say  anything 
about  a man,  woman  or  child,  but  call  them  by  their 
right  names. 

If  you  wish  to  communicate  the  fact  that  a man 
has  broken  his  leg,  say  so,  don’t  say  “he  has  frac- 
tured his  limb.”  His  arm  also  is  his  limb.  Webster 
used  the  simplest  language. 

On  the  other  hand,  avoid  the  colloquialisms  and 
vulgarities  of  low  life.” 

To  return  to  pronunciation;  a few  examples  may 
remind  you  of  some  of  your  own  errors. 

Never  give  u the  sound  of  oo,  when  it  should 
have  the  long  sound.  Many  otherwise  good  public 


396 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


speakers  are  guilty  of  this  trick.  You  hear  it  in 
''co7istitootio7i'  for  constitution^  ‘^dooty'  for  duty. 
Also  in  Uibe,  tu7te,  deduce  and  many  others.  The 
diphthongal  sound  of  eu  is  often  vulgarly  changed 
into  oo  as  in  7iooz  for  7tezvs,  doo  for  deiv. 

Pronounce  7^oiite,  as  if  it  were  spelled  root  and 
not  rowt. 

Pronounce  tour  as  if  spelled  toor  and  not  tozver. 
Think  of  a “bridal  pair”  going  on  a tower  d 

In  Arab  and  Arabic,  give  a the  short  sound  and 
place  the  accent  upon  the  first  syllable. 

“Don’t  say  agriculturalist  for  agriculturist. 

“Don’t  say  illy.  There  is  no  such  word  in  the 
language.  Say  ill. 

“Don’t  say  I have  got  for  I have.  Differ  zvith, 
for  differ  from.” 

Like  I did,  for  as  I did. 

Less,  for  fewer.  Less  relates  to  quantity,  fewer 
to  number. 

Balafice,  for  remainder. 

Alo7ie  when  you  mean  only. 

Likewise,  for  also.  “Also  classes  together  things 
or  qualities,  whilst  likezvise  couples  action  or  state 
of  being.” 

Don’t  say  avocation,  for  vocation — consult  the 
dictionary  on  this  point,  as  well  as  on  all  the  other 
examples  given.  A dictionary  of,  synonyms  will^be 
useful,  as  will  also  a good  grammar. 

Looks  beautifully,  for  looks  beautiful. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


397 


Preventative,  for  preventive. 

IJjiderhanded,  for  underhand. 

Speciality,  for  specialty. 

Casiiality,  for  casualty. 

Mutual,  for  common.  Mutual  is  applicable  to 
sentiments  and  acts,  but  not  to  persons. 

Off  of,  for  off.  Is,  for  are.  Onto,  for  on.  Be- 
ware of  the  little  foxes. 

Don’t  confound  the  verbs  lie  and  lay,  sit  and  set, 
rise  and  raise.  We  lie  down,  sit  on  a chair,  and 
rise  from  our  seat.  We  lay  down  the  book,  set  a 
chair  aside,  and  raise  the  window.  I'he  principle 
parts  of  the  intransitive  verbs  are: 

Lie,  lay,  lain. 

Rise,  rose,  risen. 

Sit,  sat,  sat. 

Of  the  transitive  are: 

Lay,  laid,  laid. 

Raise,  raised,  raised. 

Set,  set,  set. 

Distinguish  between  shall  and  will.  Fix  firmly 
in  your  mind  that,  / shall,  you  will,  he  will  are  the 
forms  of  the  future,  and  that  / will,  you  shall,  he 
shall,  imply  volition  on  the  part  of  the  speaker. 

Will  in  the  first  person  expresses  a resolution  or 
a promise,  as,  I will  not  go.  I zvill  give  it  you. 

Will  in  the  second  person  foretells;  if  you  come 
at  twelve  o’clock,  you  zvill  find  me  at  home. 

Will  in  the  second  person,  in  questions,  antic- 


398 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


ipates  a wish,  or  an  inttmtion ; Will  you  go  to-mor- 
row? 

Will  in  the  third  person  foretells.  He  will  come 
to-morrow. 

Would  is  subject  to  the  same  rules  as  will. 

Shall  in  the  first  person  foretells,  simply  express- 
ing »what  is  to  take  place ; I shall  go  to-morrow. 

Shall  in  the  first  person  in  questions  asks  per- 
mission; Shall  I read? 

Shall  in  the  second  and  third  persons,  expresses 
a promise,  a command,  or  a threat. 

You  shall  have  these  books  to-morrow.  Thou 
shall  not  steal.  He  shall  be  punished  . for  this. 

Should  is  subject  to  the  same  rules  as  shall, — 
Remarks  on  shall  and  will  condensed  front  A.  S. 
Hills’  Rhetoric. 

Among  provincialisms,  the  following  are  quite 
common.  Rubbers  or  gums  for  over-shoes.  A 
Frenchman  visiting  at  a house  in  America,  asked 
where  his  friend  was,  when  one  of  the  family  re- 
plied, “He  is  wiping  his  gums  on  the  door-mat.” 
“Oh,  how  filthy!”  said  the  foreigner,  “has  he  no 
tooth-brush?” 

Right  off,  or  right  away,  for  immediately.  Right 
well,  for  very  well. 

“He’s  a crack  shot.”  “I’ve  the  boss  rifle. 
“Mary,  go  and  fix  yourself  for  the  party. ” “He 
blamed  it  on  me.” 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


399 


“These  hats  are  both  just  alike,”  instead  of 

These  hats  are  alike.” 

Answer  and  reply  are  used  indiscriminately.  An 
ansiver  is  given  to  a question;  a reply  to  an  asser- 
tion. When  we  are  addressed,  we  answer;  when 
accused,  we  reply. 

Don’t  say  paitts  and  gents,  for  pantaloons  and 
gentlemen.  In  speaking  of  the  latter  vulgarism, 
Alfred  Ayres  says,  “If  we  say  gents  why  not  say 
lades.'' 

We  frequently  hear,  among  people  who  ought  to 
know  better,  such  expressions  as  “I  done  it,”  for  “I 
did  it;”  “I  seen  it,”  for  “I  sazv  it;”  “He  had  zventj 
for  “He  had  “He  will  learn  them,”  for  “He 

will  teach  them.” 

Less  than  a week  ago,  I heard  a “society  young 
man”  sa}^  “Father  is  going  to  take  and  build  an 

elegant  new  house  on ^ Avenue.”  What  was 

father  going  to  take?  Would  he  or  could  he  build 
an  old  house.^ 

Young  ladies  are  accused — and  justly- — of  using 
extravagant  adjectives;  such  as  “dreadful  pretty,” 
“awful  nice,”  “an  elegant  pudding,”  “the  spendidest 
morning,”  “the  most  beautiful  lemonade,”  “the 
sweetest  bonnet,”  etc.,  etc.,  but  their  brothers  are 
equally  guilty  of  abusing  the  Queen’s  English  in  ex- 
aggerations like  the  following:  “It  rained  floods  and 
oceans.”  “It  rained  pitchforks  and  shovels.”  “He 
bagged  piles  of  greenbacks,”  etc. 


400 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


A man’s  language  betrays  his  training  and  asso- 
ciations. His  conversation  reflects  his  character. 
Then  strive  to  overcome  the  faults  of  bad  train- 
ing, or  of  the  lack  of  training,  by  study  and  ob- 
servation; by  association  with  only  those  whose 
purity  of  speech  is  worthy  of  imitation.  Study 
yourself  and  when  you  discover  defects,  from  your 
conversation  or  otherwise,  set  to  work  to  find  a 
remedy.  This,  too,  will  be  aided  by  the  right  kind 
of  associates  and  surroundings,  but  communion  with 
yourself  will  do  more  than  all  else. 

If  your  own  speech,  language,  grammar,  etc.,  are 
what  they  should  be,  you  will  not  notice  the  sole- 
cisms and  mispronunciations  of  others,  especially  in 
the  presence  of  others,  and  never  in  ridicule. 

GENTLEMEN  IN  PUBLIC. 

« 

If  a gentleman  gives  up  his  seat  in  a car  to  a 
lady  whom  you  are  accompanying,  never  seat  your- 
self while  he  is  yet  standing,  but  insist  upon  his 
taking  the  first  vacant  place.  Lift  your  hat  to  him 
when  he  first  offers  the  seat. 

A gentleman  after  being  introduced  to  a lady 
must  wait  for  her  to  bow  first  before  he  ventures  to 
claim  her  as  an  acquaintance.  This  is  Anglo-Saxon 
etiquette.  On  the  Continent  the  gentleman  bows 
first.  An  American  gentleman  takes  his  hat  quite 
off  to  a lady;  a foreigner  raises  it  but  slightly  and 
bows  with  a deferential  air. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


401 


If  a gentleman  wishes  to  speak  to  a lady  ac- 
quaintance, he  does  not  stop  her  on  the  street  but 
turns  and  walks  by  her  side.  When  leaving  her  he 
bovv^s  and  raises  his  hat. 

When  any  one,  gentleman  or  lady,  bows  to  the 
lady  with  whom  you  are  walking,  lift  your  hat 
whether  you  know  him  or  her,  or  not. 

Should  you  see  ladies,  whom  you  know,  alight 
from  or  enter  a cab  or  carriage,  unattended  by  a 
gentleman,  especially  if  there  is  no  footman,  ad- 
vance, hold  open  the  door  and  offer  your  hand,  or 
protect  the  dress  from  the  wheel;  bow  (a  gentleman 
akvays  raises  his  hat  when  bowing)  and  pass  on. 
Or,  should  they  desire  it  and  you  have  the  leisure^ 
you  may  attend  them  where  they  are  about  to  en- 
ter. Hold  the  door  open  while  they  pass  in  and 
follow  them. 

If  a lady  with  whom  you  are  unacquainted  drops 
her  handkerchief  or  anything  she  may  be  carrying, 
restore  it  to  her  and  raise  your  hat. 

If  you  render  aii}^  little  service,  as  the  passing  of 
her  fare  in  the  omnibus  or  street-car,  raise  your  hat 
politely. 

It  is  not  etiquette  for  a lady  to  take  a gentle- 
man’s arm  in  the  street,  unless  she  is  an^  elderly 
lady,  an  invalid  or  has  been  wearied  by  a long  walk. 
At  night  the  arm  should  be  offered;  also  in  ascend- 
ing long  flights  of  stairs  in  public  buildings. 

In  entering  a church  or  a crowded  concert  room, 


402 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


anywhere,  where  they  are  best  aided  in  securing  seats 
and  escaping  the  jostling,  gentlemen  should  pre- 
cede ladies. 

If  occasion  demands  your  remaining  stationary 
upon  the  steps  or  in  the  portico  of  a public  edifice, 
make  room  for  ladies  who  may  be  entering,  and 
avoid  any  appearance  of  curiosity  regarding  them. 

Carefully  avoid  all  semblance  of  staring  at  ladies 
passing  in  the  street,  alighting  from  a carriage,  etc., 
and  make  no  comment,  even  of  a complimentary 
nature,  in  a voice  that  can  possibly  reach  their 
ears. 

On  the  promenade,  always  keep  to  the  right,  and 
do  not  elbow  people,  nor  brush  them,  nor  in  any 
way  show  disregard  for  the  comfort  of  others. 

Don’t  hurry  along  as  if  the  hour  were  your  last. 
Take  time  to  smile,  or  at  least  look  pleasant  if  you 
meet  a friend.  And  if  you  should  be  jostled  against 
another,  beg  his  pardon. 

During  business  hours  and  in  crowded  business 
streets,  no  man  should  ever  stop  another,  whom  he 
knows  to  be  occupied  at  such  times  except  upon  a 
matter  of  urgent  need,  when  he  should  state  his 
errand  briefly  and  apologize  for  the  detention. 

If  you  are  compelled  to  detain  a friend  when  he 
is  walking  with  a stranger,  courteously  apologize  to 
the  stranger  and  do  not  keep  him  long  waiting. 

If  you  are  the  stranger  and  your  friend  is  de- 
tained, respond  cheerfully  to  the  apology  offered 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


403 


and  draw  aside,  or  walk  on  slowly,  or  else  rnake 
arrangements  to  meet  your  friend  at  a given  place. 
A friend  should  never  be  left  suddenly  in  the  street 
without  an  apology. 

Upon  passing  servants  or  others  inferior  in  sta- 
tion whom  you  wish  to  recognize,  speak  kindly, 
without  bowing  or  raising  the  hat. 

Never  carry  an  umbrella  in  a crowd  horizon- 
tally. It  is  better  to  make  a stick  of  it  than  to  en- 
danger passers-by. 

SMOKING. 

Young  men  are  advised  not  to  smoke  in  public 
vehicles  or  any  place  where  it  is  likely  to  be  offen- 
sive. If  they  heed  this  advice  they  will  never 
smoke,  for  if  it  is  not  offensive  to  any  man,  woman, 
or  child,  it  is  to  everlasting  principle — an  abomina- 
tion to  the  Most  High — Don’t  smoke. 

EATING. 

As  all  necessary  arrangement  of  the  toilet,  as 
v/ell  as  attention  to  the  person,  should  be  private, 
so  all  your  eating  should  be  done  in  the  dining- 
room, or  at  least  at  home  and  not  upon  the  street. 

CHEWING  GUM. 

There  is  another  disgusting  habit  which  has  been 
indulged  for  several  years,  by  men,  women  and 
children,  that  of  chewing  gum.  It  is  only  a little 
less  ill-bred  than  snuff-dipping  or  snuff-taking. 


404 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


Those  who  defend  the  of  gum-chewing 

will  tell  you  that  it  aids  digestion  and  is  therefore 
“ hygienically  proper.”  This  is  robbing  Peter  to 
pay  Paul.  If  vigorous  chewing  excites  an  unusual 
or  unnatural  flow  of  saliva  or  of  the  gastric  juices 
after  luncheon,  it  takes  just  so  much  from  the 
quantity  necessary  to  digest  your  dinner.  If  you 
borrow  for  dinner  you  must  keep  on  borrowing  and 
by  and  by  get  so  deeply  in  debt  that  you  will  be 
bankrupt  in  the  coin  necessary  to  carry  on  the  daily 
operation  of  replenishing  the  physical  system. 
Gum-chewing,  tobacco-chewing,  smoking,  every  un- 
natural or  unbecoming  habit,  besides  being  ill-bred, 
is  immoral. 

It  is  not  unusual  to  see  several  young  men  stand- 
ing upon  car-platforms,  smoking  and  chewing  gum, 
making  life  a burden  to  ladies  going  in  or  coming 
out  of  the  cars. 

AT  THE  THEATER,  ETC. 

“Don’t  bustle  into  a theatre  or  concert  after  the 
performance  has  begun,  to  the  annoyance  of  others. 
Arrive  early  and  be  seated  in  time.  The  manager 
who  will  resolutely  refuse  permission  for  any  one  to 
enter  an  auditorum  after  the  curtain  has  risen,  will 
win  for  himself  a golden  meed  of  praise.”  At  least 
let  the  manager  prohibit  the  wearing  of  squeaking 
boots  by  a late  comer. 

Never  comment  upon  a performance  at  the  opera  ' 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


405 


or  theater  while  it  is  in  progress;  nor  upon  a lecture 
or  sermon.  Give  your  neighbor  credit  for  having 
eyes  and  ears.  It  will  be  a good  subject  for  con- 
versation when  next  you  meet.  And  if  he  or  she 
have  not  sufficient  intelligence  to  appreciate  the  en- 
tertainment, your  remarks  will  not  enlighten  him  or 
her,  but  they  may  disturb  others.  Besides  “talk- 
ing in  meeting”  is  a sort  of  egotism  which  you 
should  avoid.  You  should  care  as  much  for  your 
neighbor  as  for  yourself  and  think  more  of  his 
comfort  than  your  own. 

When  you  attend  ladies  to  concerts  or  lectures, 
it  is  not  expected  that  you  will  give  up  your  seat  to 
other  ladies;  it  would  not  be  proper  for  you  to  sepa- 
rate yourself  from  those  under  your  care. 

Should  it  be  necessary  for  you  to  crowd  past 
others  and  afterward  resume  your  seat,  be  careful 
of  dresses,  etc. , and  apologize  politely  for  the  in- 
convenience you  have  occasioned. 

Be  as  quiet  and  reverential  in  a picture  gallery,  or 
any  place  where  works  of  art  are  exhibited,  as  you 
would  be  in  church.  Never  criticize  or  comment 
audibly  upon  the  subjects  before  you.  Do  not  dis- 
turb the  thoughts  or  emotions  of  those  around  you 
by  any  noise  or  bustle  or  by  rudely  pushing  in  before 
them. 

Never  attach  yourself  to  a party  of  gentlemen 
and  ladies,  nor  of  gentlemen  alone,  unless  invited  to 


4o6 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


do  SO,  and  even  then  you  should  be  sure  that  it  is 
agreeable  to  each  member  of  the  party. 

AT  CHURCH. 

It  is  unnecessary  to  say  that  the  utmost  quiet  and 
decorum  should  be  observed  in  church,  or  that  the 
hat  should  be  removed  in  the  vestibule,  or  that  there 
should  be  no  whispering,  laughing  or  staring;  yet 
to  make  these  rules  complete  we  add  them  to  others 
which  are  necessary. 

A gentleman  should  open  the  pew  door  and  hold 
it  open  while  the  lady  enters,  then  follow  her  and 
close  the  door. 

If  a stranger  enter  the  church  unobserved  by  the 
sexton  and  consequently  be  not  provided  at  once 
with  a seat,  the  pew  door  should  be  opened  and  the 
stranger  motioned  to  enter. 

Strangers  should  be  provided  with  books  and  if 
they  are  unaccustomed  to  the  service,  the  places  for 
the  day’s  reading  should  be  indicated.  Or  if  there 
is  no  separate  book  for  his  use,  it  is  courteous  to 
offer  to  share  yours  with  him. 

If  a fan  or  a book  is  offered  you,  accept  or  refuse 
it  with  a silent  gesture. 

When  the  services  are  concluded,  pass  quietly  and 
decorously  out  to  the  vestibule.  Here  you  may 
exchange  greetings  with  friends  in  a quiet  way,  but 
no  loud  talking  or  laughing  should  be  attempted. 

Should  you  visit  a church  of  a different  belief 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


407 


from  your  own,  pay  the  utmost  respect  to  the  serv- 
ices and  conform  in  all  things  to  the  observances  of 
the  church.  No  matter  how  grotesque  some  of  the 
forms  may  seem  to  you,  observe  them  as  if  you  be- 
lieved in  them. 

When  you  enter  a strange  church,  wait  until  the 
sexton  shows  you  to  a seat.  It  is  ill-bred  to  enter 
a pew  uninvited,  or  to  enter  an  unoccupied  pew 
without  permission. 

Never  go  to  church  during  the  service,  for  the 
purpose  of  seeing  the  building.  Choose  a time 
when  you  will  be  at  liberty  to  move  from  place  to 
place,  thus  getting  a better  idea  of  its  architecture 
and  disturbing  no  one. 

KEEPING  STEP. 

In  walking  with  a lady,  always  keep  step  with  her 
by  shortening  your  pace.  She  should  also  lengthen 
hers,  thus  compromising  on  a mean  between  her 
short  and  your  long  steps. 

A GENTLEMAN  OPENS  THE  DOOR 

for  a lady  or  ladies,  and  holds  it  open  while  they 
enter.  He  does  this  not  only  for  ladies  who  are 
witlv  him,  but  for  others  who  are  about  to  enter  at 
the  same  time  with  him.  As  has  been  said  {several 
times,)  the  gentleman  holds  his  hat  in  his  hand 
while  the  ladies  pass  in  advance,  if  it  is  possible  to 
hold  the  door  open  from  the  outside;  if  not  he  steps 
inside  before  them. 


4o8 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


UP  AND  DOWN  STAIRS. 

A gentleman  always  precedes  a lady  up  stairs  and 
follows  her  down.  If,  however,  the  staircase  is  of 
sufficient  width,  he  offers  her  his  right  arm  and  they 
ascend  together. 

IN  TRAVELING 

by  boat  or  by  railway,  a gentleman  should  always 
consult  the  comfort  of  his  fellow  travelers  before 
giving  himself  any  unusual  privilege,  such  as  open- 
ing a window  or  a door.  Those  who  would  be 
affected  by  the  change  should  be  given  the  oppor- 
tunity to  object  before  the  window  is  opened.  This 
would  be  less  mortifying  than  to  be  requested  to 
close  it.  A person  in  delicate  health  cannot  endure 
the  draft  of  an  open  window  or  door,  and  may  object 
to  the  smoke  and  cinders  from  the  engine. 

There  are  discomforts  as  well  as  pleasures  in  trav- 
eling, and  if  we  would  enjoy  the  one  we  must  endure 
the  other. 

AT  A PUBLIC  TABLE. 

As  far  as  circumstances  will  permit,  observe  the 
same . etiquette  at  a public,  that  you  do  at  a private 
table.  Set  the  example  of  decency,  regardless  of 
the  boors  with  whom  you  may  be  surrounded.  Gen- 
erally there  is  no  need  of  haste,  but  if  there  should 
be,  you  can  still  be  a gentleman. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


409 


ENTERING  A CARRIAGE. 

If  possible,  enter  a carriage  with  your  back  toward 
the  seat  you  intend  to  occupy,  so  there  will  be  no 
need  of  turning  around,  and  be  careful  not  to  trample 
upon  or  crush  ladies’  dresses. 

The  seat  of  the  lady  or  ladies,  is  of  course  facing 
the  horses.  The  gentleman  sits  opposite  to  her, 
unless  she  invite  him  to  sit  beside  her.  The  place 
of  honor  is  on  the  right  hand  of  the  seat  occupied 
by  the  lady. 

ALIGHTING  FROM  THE  CARRIAGE. 

A gentleman  alights  first  and  then  assists  the  la- 
dies to  alight.  The  servant  may  hold  the  door 
open;  if  there  is  no  servant,  the  gentleman  performs 
this  duty  of  course. 

BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE,  ETC. 

Manners  aim  to  facilitate  life,  to  get  rid  of  im- 
pediments, and  bring  the  man  pure  to  energy. 
They  aid  our  dealing  and  conversation,  as  a rail- 
way aids  traveling,  by  getting  rid  of  all  avoidable 
obstructions  of  the  road,  and  leaving  nothing  to  be 
conquered  but  pure  space. — Emerson. 

Good  manners  are  not  to  be  put  on  for  -especial 
occasions  like  fine  clothes,  but  should  become  a 
second  nature;  should  extend  to  all  the  relations  of 
life;  to  our  business  transactions,  domestic  rela- 


410 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


tions;  every  act  should  be  characterized  by  good 
breeding. 

“Custom  is  an  habitual  practice,  whether  of  in- 
dividuals or  communities.”  Good  customs  should 
become  fixed  habits  with  young  men,  so  much  so 
that  they  would  never  be  tempted  to  do  anything 
except  in  the  right  way,  according  to  the  best  cus- 
toms. 

Some  men,  we  are  sorry  to  say,  practically  adopt 
the  opinion  that  the  courteous  observances  of  social 
and  domestic  life  are  wholly  inapplicable  to  busi- 
ness intercourse.  Although  the  observance  of  elab- 
orate ceremony  in  the  more  practical  associations 
of  busy  outer  life  would  be  absurdly  inappropriate, 
that  careful  respect  for  the  rights  and  feelings  of 
others,  which  is  the  basis  of  all  true  politeness, 
should  not,  under  these  circumstances  and  in  these 
relations,  be  disregarded. 

The  secret  of  the  popularity  of  some  business 
men  with  their  compeers  and  employes,  lies  often 
rather  in  the  manner  than  in  any  other  character- 
istic. You  may  observe  in  one  instance  a universal 
favorite,  to  whom  all  his  associates  extend  a wel- 
coming hand,  as  though  there  were  magic  in  the 
ready  smile  and  genial  manner,  and  who  is  served 
by  his  inferiors  in  station  with  cheerfulness  and 
alacrity,  indicating  that  a little  more  than  a busi- 
ness bond  draws  them  to  him;  and,  again,  an  up- 
right but  externally  repulsive  man,  though  always 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


4II 

commanding  respect  from  his  compeers,  holds  them 
aloof  by  his  frigidity,  and  receives  the  service  of 
fear  rather  than  of  love  from  those  to  whom  he 
may  be  always  just  and  “even  human,”  if  never 
sympathizing  and  unbending. 

A young  man  can  begin  business  with  a small 
cash  capital  and  succeed  well,  provided  he  is  well 
supplied  with  that  best  stock  in  trade,  sincerely  af- 
fable and  refined  manners,  along  with  a knowledge 
of  business  rules  which  include  intelligent  letter- 
writing. 

Closely  written  postal  cards  and  long  letters  re- 
ceive little  favor  from  busy  men;  it  is,  therefore, 
important  that  you  learn  to  say  what  you  desire  to 
say  briefly  and  to  the  point. 

I have  given  the  forms  of  address,  signature,  etc., 
and  general  directions  for  correspondence  in  the 
chapter  on  Letters  arid  Letter-Writing.  I will  add 
here  a few  hints  and  forms,  although  the  varying 
circumstances  under  which  letters  are  written,  make 
it  impossible  to  do  more  than  give  a mere  sugges- 
tion for  the  guidance  of  the  beginner.  Practice  and 
good  judgment  will  do  the  rest. 

In  answering  a business  letter  always  state  the 
substance  of  the  letter  received,  before  the  answer 
is  given,  that  the  correspondent  may  have  the  mat- 
ter recalled  to  mind;  as  this  will  save  him  the  time 
and  trouble  of  referring  to  his  letter-book.  Every 
careful  business  man  keeps  a letter-book,  into 


412 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


which  is  copied  by  means  of  a press,  every  import- 
ant letter: 

Omaha,  Neb.,  Nov.  15,  1889. 
Messrs.  A.  C.  McCune  & Co.,  Chicago. 

Gentle^nen : — Your  favor  of  Nov.  i,  in  which  you 
offer  us  the  Natural  History  of  Mexico,  in  ten  folio 
volumes,  for  live  hundred  dollars  ($500)  is  received, 
and  we  herewith  enclose  our  check  for  the  amount, 
with  the  request  that  you  ship  them  by  U.  S.  Ex- 
press at  once. 

Thanking  you  for  the  liberal  reduction  from  your 
former  figures,  we  are, 

Very  truly  yours, 

John  Harlan  & Co. 

A business  letter  should  receive  an  immediate  re- 
ply, which  should  be  as  brief  as  is  consistent  with 
a proper  understanding  of  the  matter  under  con- 
sideration. 

The  foregoing  letter  indicates  a previous  corres- 
pondence; an  order  for  books  without  any  prelim- 
inary correspondence  must  state  explicity  what  is 
wanted.  Give  the  author’s  name,  edition,  date  of 
publication,  name  of  publishers,  etc.  Much  annoy- 
ance is  caused  by  carelessness  in  ordering  books 
and  other  merchandise. 

Milwaukee,  Wis.,  June  i,  1889. 
Messrs.  Potter  & Coales,  Philadelphia. 

Dear  Sirs : — Please  send  me  by  American  Ex- 


TO  YOUNG  MKN. 


413 


press,  C.  O.  I).,  one  copy  of  McMaster’s  History  of 
he  United  States,  second  edition,  1889,  Harper  & 
Brothers,  Piiblisfiers. 

When  writing  to  a person  or  firm  for  information 
for  your  own  benefit,  enclose  a postal  card,  with 
your  name  and  address  upon  it,  for  the  answer. 

In  ordering  goods  of  any  kind,  send  in  your  order 
early  enough  to  allow  for  possible  delay  in  filling. 
That  is,  order  some  time  before  you  need  them. 

If  errors  occur  in  a bill  or  invoice  of  goods,  state 
the  fact  to  your  correspondent,  briefly  but  courte- 
ously. Never  write  an  impudent  or  impatient 
letter. 

1)KS  Moines,  Iowa,  June  15,  1889. 
Messrs.  Marshall,  Jones  & Co.,  Chicago. 

Dear  Sirs : — d'he  goods  ordered  of  you  June  10, 
are  received,  with  the  exception  of  six  dozen  silk 
handkerchiefs,  which  are  missing,  although  they 
are  charged  in  the  bill.  Your  early  attention  to 
this  omission  will  oblige  me. 

Respectfully  yours, 

J.  W.  Jones. 

answer  to  the  above  letter. 

Chicago,  June  17,  1889. 
Mr.  J.  W.  Jonics,  I)es  Moines. 

Dear  Sir: — We  regret  tlie  omission  of  part  of 
your  order  from  our  last  shipment  of  goods  to  you. 
Our  shipping  clerk  was  ill  and  his  place  temporarily 


414 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


supplied  from  another  department;  hence  the 
blunder.  We  ship  the  goods  to-day.  Hoping  you 
will  suffer  no  great  inconvenience  on  our  account, 
we  remain,  Sir,  Very  truly  yours, 

Marshall,  Jones  & Co. 

FROM  A MERCHANT  REQUESTING  PAYMENT. 

Rock  Island,  III.,  Oct.  12,  1889. 
Mr.  James  Andrews,  Moline,  111. 

Dear  Sir: — Having  several  heavy  engagements 
to  meet  next  week,  I am  under  the  necessity  of 
asking  you  to  settle  my  bill  for  the  quarter  ending 
September  30,  to-morrow  or  the  next  day.  The 
amount  of  bill  rendered  is  $110.75,  which  can  be 
paid  as  usual  by  check  on  the  First  National  Bank, 
or  to  my  collector  who  will  call  upon  you  day  after 
to-morrow.  I am  Sir,  Respectfully  yours, 

Nathaniel  Macomber. 

ORDERING  A MAGAZINE. 

Andover,  Minn.,  April  5,  1889. 
The  Forum  Publishing  Co.,  New  York. 

Gentlemen: — Enclosed,  find  post-office  order  for 
$5.00,  for  which  please  send  me  the  Forum  one 
year,  beginning  with  No.  i,  Volume  V — March  1889. 

Respectfully  yours, 

Mrs.  Silas  Morgan. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


415 


LETTERS  OF  APPLICATION. 

Probably  there  is  no  more  difficult  letter  to  write 
than  one  of  application,  as  it  is  a delicate  matter  to 
speak  of  one’s  ability  to  fill  the  position  sought 
without  seeming  egotism.  If  you  have  had  experi- 
ence in  work  similar  to  that  for  which  you  apply, 
say  so  frankly  but  modestly.  If  you  have  had  no* 
experience,  state  what  advantages  you  have  had 
that  will  be  likely  to  qualify  you  for  the  work. 
Write  your  application  yourself,  in  your  own  words, 
as  your  style  and  hand-writing  are  the  test  of  your 
adaptability  to  the  position.  Send  with  your  letter 
copies  of  any  good  testimonials  you  may  have.  If 
your  application  is  made  in  answer  to  a newspaper 
advertisement,  paste  or  pin  the  advertisement  to 
the  head  of  your  letter. 

APPLICATION  FOR  POSITION  OF  BOOK-KEEPER. 

Buffalo,  N.  Y.,  January  4,  1890. 
Messrs.  Thos.  Mitchell  & Co.,  Syracuse,  N.  Y- 
Gentlemen : — I am  informed  that  your  book- 
keeper is  soon  to  retire  from  your  service,  and  I 
desire  to  make  application  for  the  position.  I am 
a graduate  of  the  Monroe  Business  College  of  this 
city  and  have  taught  bookkeeping  for  two  years  in 
the  same  institution.  I will  be  glad  if  you  will  give 
me  a trial.  Very  respectfully, 

James  Keeler. 


4i6 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


ANSWERING  AN  ADVERTISEMENT  FOR  A PARTNER. 

Cincinnati,  Ohio,  August  4,  1889. 
Mr.  James  Shean,  Pittsburg,  Penn. 

Dear  Sir : — I notice  in  this  morning’s  “Inquirer” 
your  advertisement  for  a “Partner  in 'the  book 
publishing  business.”  I have  a little  capital  which 
I wish  to  invest  and  would  be  glad  to  open  a cor- 
respondence with  you.  Please  give  me  full  par- 
ticulars and  references.  Should  our  correspondence 
be  likely  to  result  in  a partnership,  I will  forward  to 
you  satisfactory  references. 

Respectfully  yours, 

George  Connelly. 

LETTERS  ON  LITERARY  MATTERS. 

Letters  to  editors  and  publishers  should  be  as 
brief  as  any  other  business  letters.  Make  no  men- 
tion of  personal  matters  of  any  kind;  you  only 
prejudice  the  editor  against  your  manuscript  by  so 
doing.  Mr.  C.  M.  Hammond  in  “The  Writer  ”, 
volume  I,  speaking  of  sending  articles  to  publishers: 
“I  say  send,  and  this  is  very  important.  Enclose 
simply  a note,  like  this. 

“Boston,  March  17,  1887. 

^^Dear  Sir: — If  the  article  enclosed  is  worth  noth- 
ing to  you,  please  return  it  in  enclosed  stamped  and 
addressed  envelope. 

Truly  yours, 

John  Smith. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


417 


“Don’t  explain  that  you  are  a graduate  of  Harvard, 
that  you  are  the  author  of  such  a book  or  such  and 
such  articles,  that  you  have  traveled  extensively, 
that  you  are  forty-five  years  old,  that  you  don’t 
need  money,  that  you  are  a friend  of  James  Jones, 
- — or  anything  else  in  fact.  The  sample  letter 
above  is  enough.  The  editor  can  read  it  at  a glance 
and  involuntarily  looks  at  the  manuscript.  The  title 
or  the  first  few  lines  will  tell  him  whether  he  will 
or  will  not  want  the  article.” 

Henry  Holt,  in  the  same  volume,  says:  “ Don’t 
bore  publishers.  ^ An  author’s  desire  to 

expound  or  explain  his  manuscript  awakens  at  once 
an  impression  that  it  has  been  written  by  a man  not 
over  wise.  A reasonable  man  must  realize  that  he 
can’t  expound  or  explain  his  book  to  the  public.  It 
must  explain  itself,  and  if  it  can’t  do  that  to  the 
publisher’s  reader,  it  certainly  can’t  to  the  public. 
When  a manuscript  is  offered  in  a way  that  shows 
a realization  of  these  facts,  the  presumption  is  at 
once  aroused  that  the  author  has  at  least,  common 
sense  and  good  taste.” 

Before  sending  a manuscript  to  a publisher, 
write  your  name  and  address  on  the  upper  right 
hand  corner  of  the  first  pag^.  Also  enclose  post- 
age for  its  return  in  case  it  is  rejected. 

Boston,  Mass.,  Feb.  12,  1889. 

Messrs.  Potter  & Coales,  Philadelphia. 

Gentlemen : — Will  you  please  examine  the  en- 


4i8 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


closed  manuscript,  with  a view  to  publishing  it,  if 
it  meets  your  approval.  If  your  answer  is  favor- 
able, the  business  details  can  be  arranged  later  on. 

Respectfully  yours, 

Mrs.  Clara  Benedict. 

As  every  letter  has  an  individuality  of  its  own,  it 
is  impossible  to  give  forms  to  aid  in  every  emergency 
— for  the  obligation  to  write  an  occasional  letter  is 
an  emergency  to  those  unaccustomed  to  epistolary 
correspondence. 

The  rules  for  letter-writing  should  be  carefully 
studied. 

Learn  to  express  your  ideas  clearly  and  briefly. 
Of  course  you  must  have  ideas  before  you  can  learn 
to  express  them. 

Before  you  begin  to  write  a letter,  know  just 
what  you  want  to  say,  and  then  say  it. 

While  learning  to  write  letters,  it  is  well  to  first 
make  a rough  draft  on  any  scrap  of  paper  and  study 
it,  to  see  if  it  is  just  what  you  want  to  say.  If  not 
change  it  and  keep  changing  it  until  it  is  “right.”  I 
would  not  advise  you  to  continue  in  this  way,  but  to 
arrange  your  ideas  in  your  mind  and  then  transcribe 
them  at  once  upon  the  note  paper.  Practice  will 
soon  enable  you  to  do  this. 

As  soon  as  you  have  learned  the  proper  titles, 
forms  of  addresses  and  signatures,  superscription, 
etc.,  depend  upon  yourself  and  not  upon  “letter- 
writers.”  They  are  poor  crutches  to  lean  upon. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


419 


except  in  ceremonious  communications,  in  which 
case  etiquette  demands  certain  forms. 

HINTS  IN  GENERAL. 

^“Manners,”  says  Edmund  Burke,  “are  of  more 
importance  than  laws.  Upon  them,  in  a great 
measure,  the  laws  depend.  The  law  can  touch  us 
here  and  there,  now  and  then.  Manners  are  what 
vex  or  soothe,  corrupt  or  purify,  exalt  or  debase, 
barbarize  or  refine,  by  a constant,  steady,  uniform, 
insensible  operation,  like  that  of  the  air  we  breathe 
in.  They  give  their  whole  form  and  color  to  our 
lives.  According  to  their  quality  they  aid  morals, 
they  supply  them,  or  they  totally  destroy  them.” 

Never  jest  upon  serious  subjects.  Avoid  scandal. 
If  another  person  attempts  to  retail  ugly  rumors, 
put  a stop  to  it  by  kindly  requesting  him  to  desist. 

There  are  other  ways  of  encouraging  scandal- 
mongers besides  giving  them  the  spoken  word.  A 
sneer,  a curl  of  the  lip,  a raising  of  the  brows,  a 
shrug  of  the  shoulders,  often  suggest  more  than 
the  most  cruel  words.  It  is  cowardly  and  contempti- 
ble to  do  this  and  no  gentleman  will  be  guilty  of  it. 

Never  laugh  at  your  own  wit,  or  your  own  stories. 

Avoid  all  personalities. 

Never  flatter;  it  betrays  a want  of  delicacy. 
Neither  rebuke  harshly;  this  betrays  a want  of  sym- 
pathy or  feeling.  If  a friend  has  done  well,  tell  him 
so  honestly.  If  he  has  done  wrong,  kindly  and 


420 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


gently  point  out  his  error  to  him  and  to  no  one  else. 
He  will  thank  you  for  it. 

“Don’t  borrow  books,  unless  you  return  them 
promptly.  If  you  do  borrow  books,  don’t  mar  them 
in  any  way;  don’t  bend  or  break  the  backs;  don’t 
fold  down  the  leaves;  don’t  write  on  the  margins; 
don’t  stain  them  with  grease  spots.  Read  them, 
but  treat  them  as  friends  that  must  not  be  abused.” 

When  reading  a book  belonging  to  a public 
library,  don’t  proclaim  to  the  reading  public  how 
acute  you  are  in  discovering  nice  points  and  senti- 
ments, by  marking  them  with  ink  or  pencil.  No 
body  cares  to  have  the  beauties  of  an  author  labeled 
and  ticketed;  he  wants  to  discover  them  for  himself. 

Keep  your  appointments  religiously.  If  you 
promised  to  meet  any  one  and  especially  a man  of 
business  at  a certain  hour,  let  nothing  avoidable 
detain  you.  If  any  unforeseen  event  compels  you 
to  break  the  engagement,  send  word  by  special 
messenger  to  the  person  who  expects  you. 

Never  betray  a confidence.  If  you  accept  it,  you 
have  no  right  to  divulge  it  by  word,  look  or  sign. 
Be  careful  what  sort  of  confidences  you  take  into 
your  keeping. 

Be  very  sparing  of  your  own  confidences  to  others. 
Keep  your  own  secrets  and  you  will  have  nothing 
to  regret  on  that  score. 

Retailing  the  unkind  things  that  have  been  said 
of  you,'  or  speaking  ill  of  a rival  in  your  trade  or 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


421 

profession  is  in  very  bad  taste;  besides  being  a con- 
fession of  your  conscious  or  unconscious  inferiority. 

Every  city  has  its  ordinances  against  fast  driving; 
nevertheless  there  are  young  men  calling  themselves 
gentlemen,  who  disregard  the  law,  with  the  result 
sometimes  of  injuring  women  and  children  by  caus- 
ing runaways,  etc.  If  an  accident  of  this  kind  does 
happen,  a man  if  he  is  a gentleman,  will  do  all  in 
his  power  to  right  the  wrong  he  has  done,  so  far  as 
it  can  be  righted.  Gentlemen  never  violate  the 
laws — either  civil  or  social. 

‘ ‘ Don’ t be  selfish ; don’t  be  exacting ; don’ t storm 
if  things  go  wrong;  don’t  be  grum  and  sullen;  don’t 
fret — one  fretful  person  in  a house  is  ruin  to  its 
peace;  don’t  make  yourself  in  any  particular  a nui- 
sance to  your  neighbors  or  your  family.” 

Don’t  chew  gum!  Yes,  I am  aware  I have  said 
this  before,  and  I am  going  to  say  it  again. 

A gentleman  should  know  how  to  box,  fence,  ride, 
drive,  shoot,  swim  and  dance.  He  should  practice 
every  “accomplishment”  that  will  give  him  strength 
and  grace. 

He  should  practice  also  the  virtues  which  will 
give  him  grace  and  strength  of  character.  Chief 
among  these  is  self-respect.  “Men  of  character 
are  the  conscience  of  the  society  to  which  they  be- 
long. ” No  change  of  circumstances  can  repair  a 
defect  of  character.  Manners  are  the  reflex  of 
character.  Life  is  made  up  of  little  things.  Atten- 


422 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


tion  to  details  is  the  sign  of  a great  mind.  Atten- 
tion to  the  little  courtesies  of  life  stamp  you  as  a 
gentleman;  neglect  of  them  proclaims  you  a boor. 

Never  contradict  any  one.  Say  “ I beg  your  par- 
don, but  I think  you  are  mistaken.”  Disputing  is 
apt  to  engender  ill  feeling,  therefore  don’t  dispute. 

Never  correct  inaccuracies  in  the  statements  of 
others. 

Never  sit  with  your  back  to  a person  unless  una- 
voidable, in  which  case  ask  to  be  excused. 

Of  course  no  gentleman  will  use  profane  language. 

Don’t  stand  before  the  fire  when  there  are  others 
in  the  room. 

Washington’s  maxims. 

In  Thomas  Jefferson’s  works  are  published  some 
rules  of  etiquette  regarding  first  calls,  applicable  to 
official  society  at  Washington.  George  Washing- 
ton gives  to  the  world,  through  Mr.  Sparks,  his 
“Rules  of  Civility  and  Decent  Behavior  in 
Company,”  which  hold  good  everywhere.  We  re- 
produce them  here. 

1.  Every  action  in  company  ought  to  be  with 
some  sign  of  respect  to  those  present. 

2.  In  the  presence  of  others  sing  not  to  yourself 
with  a humming  voice,  nor  drum  with  your  fingers 
or  feet. 

3.  Speak  not  when  others  speak,  sit  not  when 
others  stand  and  walk  not  when  others  stop.  ' 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


423 


4.  Turn  not  your  back  to  others,  especially  in 
speaking;  jog  not  the  table  or  desk  on  which  an- 
other reads  or  writes;  lean  not  on  any  one. 

5.  Be  no  flatterer,  neither  play  with  any  one 
that  delights  not  to  be  played  with. 

6.  Read  no  letters,  books  or  papers  in  com- 
pany; but  when  there  is  a necessity  for  doing  it, 
you  must  not  leave.  Come  not  near  the  books  or 
writings  of  any  one  so  as  to  read  them  unasked; 
also  look  not  nigh  when  another  is  writing  a letter. 

7.  Let  your  countenance  be  pleasant,  but  in 
serious  matters  somewhat  grave. 

8.  Show  not  yourself  glad  at -the  misfortune  of 
another,  though  he  were  your  enemy. 

9.  They  that  are  in  dignity  or  office  have  in  all 
places  precedency,  but  whilst  they  are  young,  they 
ought  to  respect  those  that  are  their  equals  in  birth 
or  other  qualities,  though  they  have  no  public 
charge. 

10.  It  is  good  manners  to  prefer  them  to  whom 
we  speak  before  ourselves,  especially  if  they  be 
above  us,  with  whom  in  no  sort  we  ought  to  begin. 

1 1.  Let  your  discourse  with  men  of  business  be 
short  and  comprehensive. 

12.  In  visiting  the  sick  do  not  presently  play 
the  physician  if  you  be  not  knowing  therein. 

13.  In  writing  or  speaking  give  to  every  person 
his  due  title  according  to  his  degree  and  the  cus- 
tom of  the  place. 


424 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


14.  Strive  not  with  your  superiors  in  argument, 
but  always  submit  your  judgment  to  others  with 
modesty. 

15.  Undertake  not  to  teach  your  equal  in  the 
art  he  himself  professes;  it  savors  of  arrogancy. 

16.  When  a . man  does  all  he  can,  though  it  suc- 
ceeds not  well,  blame  not  him  that  did  it. 

17.  Being  to  advise  or  reprehend  any  one,  con- 
sider whether  it  ought  to  be  in  public  or  in  private, 
presently  or  at  some  other  time,  also  in  what  terms 
to  do  it;  and  in  reproving  show  no  signs  of  choler, 
but  do  it  with  sweetness  and  mildness. 

18.  Mock  not  nor  jest  at  anything  of  import- 
ance, break  no  jests  that  are  sharp  or  biting;  and 
if  you  deliver  anything  witty  or  pleasant,  abstain 
from  laughing  thereat  yourself. 

19.  Wherein  you  reprove  another  be  unblam- 
able yourself,  for  example  is  more  prevalent  than 
precept. 

20.  Use  no  reproachful  language  against  any 
one,  neither  curses  no  revilings. 

21.  Be  not  hasty  to  believe  flying  reports  to  the 
disparagement  of  any  one. 

22.  In  your  apparel  be  modest,  and  endeavor  to 
accomodate  nature  rather  than  procure  admiration. 
Keep  to  the  fashion  of  your  equals,  such  aS  are  civil 
and  orderly  with  respect  to  time  and  place. 

23.  Play  not  the  peacock,  looking  everywhere 
about  you  to  see  if  you  be  well  decked,  if  your  shoes 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


425 

fit  well,  if  your  stockings  set  neatly  and  clothes 
handsomely. 

24.  Associate  yourself  with  men  of  good  qual- 
ity if  you  esteem  your  own  reputation,  for  it  is  bet- 
ter to  be  alone  than  in  bad  company. 

25.  Let  your  conversation  be  without  malice  or 
envy,  for  it  is  a sign  of  tractable  and  commendable 
nature;  and  in  all  causes  of  passion  admit  reason  to 
govern. 

26.  Be  not  immodest  in  urging  your  friend  to 
discover  a secret. 

27.  Utter  not  base  and  frivolous  things  amongst 
grown  and  learned  men,  nor  very  difficult  questions 
or  subjects  amongst  the  ignorant,  nor  things  hard 
to  be  believed. 

28.  Speak  not  of  doleful  things  in  time  of  mirth 
nor  at  the  table;  speak  not  of  melancholy  things,  as 
death  and  wounds;  and  if  others  mention  them 
change,  if  you  can,  the  discourse.  Tell  not  your 
dreams  but  to  your  intimate  friends. 

29.  Break  not  a jest  when  none  take  pleasure  in 
mirth.  Laugh  not  aloud,  nor  at  all  without  occasion. 
Deride  no  man’s  mnsfortunes,  though  there  seem  to 
be  some  cause. 

30.  Speak  not  injurious  words,  neither  in  jest 
nor  in  earnest.  Scoff  at  none,  although  they  give 
occasion. 

31.  Be  not  forward,  but  courteous,  the  'first  to 


28 


426 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


salute,  hear  and  answer,  and  be  not  pensive  when  it 
is  time  to  converse. 

32.  Detract  not  from  others,  but  neither  be  ex- 
cessive in  commending. 

33.  Go  not  thither  where  you  know  not  whether 
you  shall  be  welcome  or  not.  Give  not  advice 
without  being  asked;  and  when  desired,  do  it  briefly. 

34.  If  two  contend  together,  take  not  the  part 
of  either  unconstrained,  and  be  not  obstinate  in 
opinion;  in  things  indifferent  be  of  the  major  side. 

35.  Reprehend  not  the  imperfection  of  others, 
for  that  belongs  to  parents,  masters  and  superiors. 

36.  Gaze  not  on  the  marks  or  blemishes  of  others, 
and  ask  not  how  they  came.  What  you  may  speak 
in  secret  to  your  friend  deliver  not  before  others. 

37.  Speak  not  in  an  unknown  tongue  in  company, 
but  in  your  own  laguage;  and  that  as  those  of  qual- 
ity do,  and  not  as  the  vulgar.  Sublime  matters 
treat  seriously. 

38.  Think  before  you  speak;  pronounce  not  im- 
perfectly, nor  bring  out  your  words  too  hastily,  but 
orderly  and  distinctly. 

39.  When  another  speaks,  be  attentive  yourself 
and  do  not  disturb  the  audience.  If  any  hesitate 
in  his  words,  help  him  not,  nor  prompt  him  without 
being  desired  ; interrupt  him  not,  nor  answer  him 
till  his  speech  be  ended. 

40.  Treat  with  men  at  fit  times  about  business, 
and  whisper  not  in  the  company  of  others. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


427 


41.  Make  no  comparisons;  and  if  any  of  the 
company  be  commended  for  any  brave  act  of 
virtue,  commend  not  another  for  the  same. 

42.  Be  not  apt  to  relate  news  if  you  know  not 
the  truth  thereof.  In  discoursing  of  things  you 
have  heard,  name  not  your  author  always.  A 
secret  discover  not. 

43.  Be  not  curious  to  know  the  affairs  of  others, 
neither  approach  to  those  that  speak  in  private. 

44.  Undertake  not  what  you  cannot  perform; 
but  be  careful  to  keep  your  promise. 

45.  When  you  deliver  a matter,  do  it  without 
passion  or  indiscretion,  however  mean  the  person 
may  be  you  do  it  to. 

46.  When  your  superiors  talk  to  anybody,  hear 
them  ; neither  speak  nor  laugh. 

47.  In  dispute  be  not  so  desirous  to  overcome  as 
not  to  give  liberty  to  each  one  to  deliver  his  opinion, 
and  submit  to  the  judgment  of  the  major  part, 
especially  if  they  are  judges  of  the  dispute. 

48.  Be  not  tedious  in  discourse,  make  not  many 
digressions,  nor  repeat  often  the  same  matter  of 
discourse. 

49.  Speak  no  evil  of  the  absent,  for  it  is  unjust. 

50.  Be  not  angry  at  table,  whatever  happens; 
and  if  you  have  reason  to  be  so,  show  it  not ; put 
on  a cheerful  countenance,  especially  if  there  be 
strangers,  for  good  humor  makes  one  dish  a feast. 

51.  Set  not  yourself  at  the  upper  end  of  the 


428 


TO  YOUNG  MEN. 


table;  but  if  it  be  your  due,  or  the  master  of  the 
house  will  have  it  so,  contend  not,  lest  you  should 
trouble  the  company. 

52.  When  you  speak  of  God  or  his  attributes, 
let  it  be  seriously,  in  reverence  and  honor,  and  obey 
your  natural  parents. 

53.  Let  your  recreations  be  manful,  not  sinful. 

54.  Labor  to  keep  alive  in  your  breast  that 
little  spark  of  celestial  fire  called  conscience. 


PRINCIPAL  AUTHORS  CONSULTED. 


Ayres,  Alfred  (Pseud,  for  Dr.  T.  E.  Osmun.) 
Bacon,  Lord. 

Bazar  Book  of  Decorum. 

Bulwer. 

Burke. 

Carlyle. 

Censor,  (Wm.  Cooke  Taylor,  L.L.  D.) 
Chesterfield,  Lord. 

Dahlgren,  Mrs.  Admiral,  Etiquette  of  Social  Life 
in  Washington. 

Duffey,  Mrs.  E.  B. 

Emerson. 

Hamerton. 

Higgings,  T.  W. 

Hill,  D.  J.,  Elements  of  Rhetoric. 

Mahaffy,  Art  of  Conversation. 

Mathews,  Words,  etc. 

More,  Hannah. 

Practical  Etiquette,  by  N.  C. 

Sherwood,  Mrs.  John. 

Social  Etiquette  of  New  York. 

Thackeray. 

Ward,  xMrs.  H.  O. 

Washington,  (Sparks.) 

Writer,  The. 

And  various  journalists  and  magazine  writers. 
(429) 


INDEX. 


Acceptance  of  invitations,  97-99,  105, 
162,  184. 

Acquaintances,  new,  75. 

lady  never  forms,  in  public,  349. 
married  ladies,  83. 
unmarried  ladies,  83. 
who  never  meet,  74. 

Address,  informal  letters,  238. 
in  letters  of  friendship,  239. 
married  lady,  238. 
royalty,  nobility,  etc.,  241-45. 
young  unmarried  lady,  238. 
unmarried  lady,  not  young,  238. 
street  and  number  on  visit’g  cards, 50 
see  also  Letters,  etc. 

After-calls,  see  Calls,  after. 

Age,  excuses  lady  from  making  calls, 67 
precedence  on  account  of,  41,  114 
when  not  considered,  in  introduc- 
tions, 33. 

Aged  persons,  may  form  acquaint- 
ances, 28. 

should  be  remembered,  21,  41,  77, 90, 
393- • 

receive  first  call,  90. 
see  also,  Golden  wedding,  293. 
Air-bath,  223. 

American  manners,  9-10,  56. 

“At  Home,’’  61-63,  153-160,  184,  276, 
277,  278. 

see  also  Matinees,  receptions,  etc. 
Attitudes,  388. 

Awkward,  in  deportment,  6,  56,  366,  385 

Baldness,  caused  by  wearing  stiff 
hats,  225. 

Balls,  161-173. 
arrival  of  guests,  164. 
awning  and  carpet,  164. 
ball-room,  163. 
chaperons,  168. 

accept  invitations  to  dance,  for 
their  charges,  166. 
general  rules  for  bail-room,  169-72. 
gentlemen  without  partners,  165. 
german,  the,  164,  172. 
invitations,  161-63,  173- 
smoking-room,  164. 
supper,.  166. 
supper-room,  164. 
toilets,  163-206. 

waltzing  and  square  dances,  164. 
what  constitutes  a ball,  i6f. 

Bath,  the,  221-23,  372,  377. 


Beauty,  based  on  harmony,  202. 
of  an  old  lady,  218-230. 
woman’s  duty  to  be  beautiful,  201, 
202,  218. 

“ Best  man,’’  see  Groomsman. 

Birthdays,  celebration  of,  300-301. 
in  Russia,  300. 

Bonnets,  208,  217,  286. 
bridesmaids,  272. 
for  church  and  street,  213. 
mourning,  214. 
worn  at  breakfast,  146. 
at  the  theatre,  2ir,  212. 

Books  and  reading,  367, 
lists  for  young  men,  370-72. 

Bouquets,  120,  163,  272,  281,  286. 

Boutonnieres,  113,  120,  281. 

Bow,  a,  39. 
how  to  bow%  39. 
when  to,  39-44. 

who  should  bow  first,  39,  40,  351. 

Breakfast,  138-41,  145-47. 
costumes,  146. 
departure  of  guests,  147. 
family,  138-41. 
invitations  to  a,  145. 
seating  guests,  146. 
serving  the,  147 

Bride  and  bridegroom,  see  Etiquette  of 
Weddings,  264. 

Call,  duration  of  formal,  78. 
hours  when  gentlemen  may,  81. 
inviting  a gentleman  to  call,  83. 
last  call  of  young  lady  before  mar- 
riage, 59,  265. 

Calls,  after,  103,  120,  148,  158,  185. 
among  strangers,  74. 
evening,  61. 

how  many  of  the  same  family  may 
call  at  one  time,  76. 
informal,  75. 
in  the  country,  79. 
lady  accompanied  by  husband,  64. 
morning,  61, 
time  for  returning.  66. 
upon  the  sons  and  daughters,  79. 
where  there  are  daughters,  64. 
guests,  64,  82. 
sons,  64. 

Calls,  first,  53-58,  70,  89,  90. 
at  country  estates,  56. 
at  watering  places,  56,  57. 
by  oldest  resident,  55. 


432 


INDEX. 


by  the  elder  lady,  56.  j 

by  the  younger  lady,  56. 
in  America,  53. 
in  England,  53,  56, 
in  France,  53. 

returned  in  foreign  countries,  57, 
should  be  returned  in  three  days,  58. 
Calls,  for  gentlemen,  80-88. 
first  call  not  made  without  an  invi- 
tation, 83. 

gentlemen  make  formal  calls,  twice 
a year,  87. 

hours  when  gentlemen  may  make,  81 
in  person,  82. 

miscellaneous  rules,  84-88. 
on  strangers,  88. 
upon  young  lady  guest,  86. 
young  men  call  upon  the  mother  or 
chaperon,  79. 

see  also  New  Year’s  calls,  91-96. 
Cards,  see  Visiting  Cards. 

Caudle  parties,  295. 

see  also  Christenings. 

Chaperonage,  a necessity  in  Europe, 

175-76. 

an  innovation  in  western  towns,  174. 
not  an  indication  of  distrust  of  young 
men  and  women,  179. 

Chaperon,  duties  of  a,  180-81. 
woman  who  works  can  dispense  with 
a,  181. 

Chaperons,  30,  79,  80, 166,  168,174-81,345 
Character,  15,  24,  198,  200,  202,  365,  368, 
383. 

Chewing  gum,  359,  403. 

Children,  education  of,  19-23. 
etiquette  for,  24. 
influence  of  example  upon,  16. 
mother  should  first  read  their  books, 
371. 

should  breakfast  and  lunch  with 
parents,  142. 

what  they  should  be  taught,  16. 
when  to  begin  education,  14,  19. 
who  molds  the  character  of,  15. 
Chivalry,  age  of,  13. 

Christenings,  295-300. 
ceremony,  the,  299. 
godparent  and  godchild,  298. 
invitations,  297. 
naming  the  child,  296-97. 
toilet  of  guests,  299. 

Christmas,  95. 

Church,  behavior  at,  406. 

Cities,  centres  of  civilization,  7,  366. 
Cold  Cream,  230. 

Complexion,  226-27. 

Conversation,  the,  of  society,  186-99, 
application  of  knowledge  in,  188. 
equality  of  guests,  195. 
familiarity,  190. 
hobbies,  196. 


knowledge  necessary,  188. 
listening,  191. 
of  young  women,  360-62. 
purity  of  speech,  197,  393. 
should  be  general,  77. 
subjects  of,  194. 
sympathy  the  soul  of,  190. 
tact  in,  192. 

truthfulness  in  general,  193. 
voice  and  manner,  187, 
wit,  when  dangerous,  189. 

Cosmetics  and  paints,  204. 

Costumes,  gentlemen’s,  119,  146,  148, 
154,  160,  163,  205,  206,  207,  210-13, 
270,  272. 

ladies’,  77,  93,  119-20,  146,  148,  154, 
160,  163,  204,  206,  207,  2£0-i3,  271, 
272,  .99- 

Culture,  8. 

Custom,  defined,  6,  410. 
every,  has  a reason  for  being,  9. 

Customs,  reason  for  existing,  52. 
should  be  made  a study,  53. 
society  should  have  fixed,  ii. 

Debuts  in  society,  162,  182-S5. 
invitations,  183. 

Defects,  never  ridicule  personal.  260. 

Dinner,  107-28. 

advice  to  guests,  125-6. 

to  host  and  hostess,  123-24. 
after  calls,  120. 
after  dinner,  118,  119. 
a la  Russe,  115. 

bouquets  and  bottton7i/eres,  120. 
butler  and  footmen,  116. 
courses,  116. 
family  dinner,  142. 
fingers,  what  may  be  eaten  with,  127, 
128. 

floral  decorations  and  favors,  119. 
forms  of  invitation,  no. 
full  dress,  119. 
gloves  and  napkin,  116. 
gloves  must  be  removed,  115. 
guests,  distribution  of,  112. 
duty  of,  115. 
presentation  of,  1 13-14. 
seating  at  table,  114. 
knife  and  fork,  126. 
number  of  guests  to  invite,  108. 
order  of  precedence,  114. 
punctuality  essential,  112. 
return  to  drawing-room,  1 18. 
rising  from  table,  118. 
school  of  manners,  144. 
some  general  rules,  121-28. 
spoon,  the,  127. 
taking  leave,  119. 
the  thirteen  superstition,  109. 
time  for  arrival,  112. 

for  sending  invitations,  no. 


INDEX. 


433 


usual  hour  for,  112. 
whom  to  invite,  107. 

Don’t,  346,  355»  3QO-93- 
Dress  and  personal  habits,  372. 

Dress,  200-217. 
a fine  art,  200. 

appropriateness  as  to  age,  etc.,  215. 
costume  for  afternoon  reception,  207. 
archery,  croquet,  etc.,  209. 
ball,  206. 

bride  and  bridesmaids,  207,  271,  i 
272.  I 

bridegroom,  272.  | 

carriage,  208. 
church,  213. 
dinner,  119-20,  207. 
driving,  206,  208, 
mourning,  214. 
readings,  etc.,  213. 
receiving  days,  77. 
riding,  214. 

ushers  at  a wedding,  272. 
visiting,  77,  209. 
walking,  208. 
yachting,  209. 
economy  in  dress,  215-17. 
evening  or  full  dress  for  gentlemen, 
205,  374-  1 

for  ladies,  204. 

expresses  character,  200,  202.  ; 

extravagance  of  servant  girls,  203.  ; 

of  married  women,  203. 
likened  to  architecture,  201.  ! 

morning  dress  for  gentlemen,  205  | 

373.  ; 

opera  and  theatre,  210-13. 
reasons  for  rapid  changes  in  fashion, 
203. 

what  it  is  to  be  well  dressed,  202. 
servants’  dress  see  servants — their 
dress,  etc.,  311-28. 

for  dress  for  gentlemen,  see  also  372- 
78. 

Dressing  gown  and  slippers,  377. 

Entrance  into  society,  of  a young  1 
man,  65. 

of  a young  woman,  162,  182-85. 
Etiquette,  defined,  7. 
the  rules  of  social  pleasure,  52. 

Familiarity,  257,  259. 
in  conversation,  190. 
should  not  be  allowed,  144,  346  381. 
Family  and  home,  12-26. 

Fashion,  8,  10. 
in  cards,  45,  53. 
dress,  200-217. 

Favors,  119,  172. 

Flowers,  63,  iig,  150,  163,  184.  271,  272, 
275,  299. 

at  funerals,  331-32. 


orange,  279. 

strewing  at  weddings,  284. 
Finger-bowls,  118,  140. 

Fingers,  what  maybe  eaten  with,  127, 
128, 

Freckles,  226-7. 

Funeral  ceremonies,  329-333. 
coffin,  the,  330. 
floral  tributes,  331-32. 
details  of  ceremonies,  by  whom  ar- 
ranged, 329. 

notice  of  death,  how  conveyed,  329. 
pall-bearers,  330, 
position  of  the  body,  331. 
services,  330. 

Gentlemen,  consideration  for,  353. 
Gentlemen,  business,  correspondence, 
etc,  409. 

carriage,  entering  and  alighting 
from,  409. 
in  public,  400-8. 
keep  to  the  left  of  lady,  41. 
offer  right  arm  to  a lady,  165.  270, 

274.  352. 

open  conversation  when  introduced 
to  lady,  42. 

open  door  for  a strange  lady,  44,  407. 
pick  up  fan,  etc.,  43. 
raise  the  hat,  39,  43,  44. 
uncover  the  head,  43,  44. 
wear  gloves,  see  gloves,  gentlemen, 
when  calling  leave  overcoat,  over- 
shoes and  umbrella  in  the  hall,  43, 
87,  94,  386. 

take  hat,  cane  and  gloves  into  the 
parlor,  43,  87,  94,  385-6. 

German,  the,  see  under  Balls. 

Gifts,  288,  345. 

Glove,  removing  the  right  hand,  9. 
Gloves  and  napkin  at  dinner,  115,  116. 
Gloves,  160. 

gentlemen  wear,  43,  94,  120,  146,  160. 

169.  205,  206,  21 1,  272,  376. 
ladies  wear,  93,  146,  160,  169,  206, 
208,  212,  217. 

, servants  wear,  116,  314,  315. 
i Godparents,  298. 
i Good  breeding,  7,  15. 

1 poverty  no  bar  to,  18. 
requisites  of,  15. 
same  everywhere,  47. 
j Good  manners,  6-11.  i^See  each  chap- 
1 ter.) 

! Groomsman,  268,  269, 

' Groomsmen,  268. 

j Guests,  at  balls  and  parties,  164-66, 

I 169-72. 

j.  at  dinner,  107-09,  112-115,  125-28. 
j prolonged  visits,  309-310. 

receptions,  155-158,  160. 
i weddings,  274. 


434 


INDEX. 


Hands,  shaking,  31,  42,  43,  78,  351,  386. 
Hat,  354,  378. 

raising  the,  39,  43,  44,  351. 

Health  and  beauty,  202,  229-30. 
Heredity,  14. 

Hobbies,  196. 

Home,  the,  and  the  family,  12-26. 

should  be  attractive,  17,  22. 
Hospitality,  true,  91,  121. 

Host  and  hostess,  36,  113-14,  118-19, 
123,  146,  156,  159,  192,  306-309. 
House,  not  always  home,  17. 

How  to  walk,  378. 


In  the  drawing-room,  383. 

Introducing,  gentlemen,  30,  43. 
to  each  other,  31. 
shy  people,  36. 

Introductions,  27-38. 
a formal  necessity  in  N.  Y.  53. 
at  a dinner  party,  32. 
large  gathering  in  the  country,  32. 
large  reception,  157,  158. 
private  ball,  28. 
ball-room,  what  they  mean,  31. 
by  cards,  54. 
by  letter,  37-8,  83,  84,  86. 

of  gentleman  to  a young  lady,  84. 
casual,  32. 
defined,  27. 
formal,  89. 

when  not  necessary,  28. 
forms,  33. 

host  and  hostess  should  be  familiar 
with  accepted  formalities,  36. 
indiscriminate,  27. 
letters  of,  37-8,  249. 
miscellaneous,  36. 
obligatory,  35. 
official,  35. 
of  residents,  29,  78. 
order  and  forms,  33-35. 
precedence  in,  36. 
roof  introductions,  28,  29,  78. 
watering  place,  32. 
what  is  an  introduction?  27 
Intruding  on  privacy,  381. 

Invitations,  97-106. 
acceptances,  97-99,  105. 
cards,  how  many  to  one  family,  100.. 
first,  should  always  be  accepted,  98. 
for  a formal  dinner,  no,  in. 
formal,  in  the  third  person,  97. 

time  for  sending,  loi.  ' 
forms  of,  iOi-6,  no-12, 
general,  mean  nothing,  86. 
gentlemen  should  not  expect,  86. 
may  be  written  or  engrav.ed,  97,  103. 
obsolete  words  in,  98. 
regrets,  99,  100,  105. 
r.  s.  v.  p.,  99,  100. 


should  be  promptly  accepted  or  de- 
clined, 85. 

single  card  to  a family,  when  per- 
missible, lOI. 

solecisms  and  barbarisms  in,  97. 
sons  and  daughters  should  have 
separate,  100. 
to  a ball,  161-63. 
afternoon  receptions,  154-55. 
breakfast,  145. 

ceremony  introducing  young  lady 
to  society,  183-84. 

dinner,  the  highest  social  compli- 
ment, 107. 

formal  entertainments,  102. 
friends  in  mourning,  102. 
luncheon,  147. 
party,  173. 

sons  and  daughters,  74. 
whom  shall  the  answer  be  ad- 
dressed? lOI. 

when,  should  be  answered,  99,  100. 
who  send,  loi. 

written  upon  visiting  cards,  99,  100. 

Jewelry,  163,  205. 
for  gentleman,  376. 
to  clean,  230. 

Kaffe  Klatch,  154. 

Kettledrum,  153. 

Knife  and  fork,  126,  127,  132,  133,  143. 

Labor,  see  Work. 

Ladies  speak  first,  84. 

Laughing,  380. 

Laws, of  social  life,  47,  48. 

unwritten,  6. 

Leave-taking,  119,  158. 

Letters,  and  Letter-Writing,  246-54,411- 
18. 

address  of  247,  249. 
of  formal,  238. 
of  friendship,  239. 
answer  promptly,  251. 
application,  415-18. 
body  of  a letter,  247. 
business,  246,  248. 
delivered  by  a friend,  250. 
expression,  252. 
ink,  use  black,  253. 
lines,  ruled,  254. 
notes.  246. 

of  introduction,  249. 

paper,  style  of,  252. 

parts  of  a letter,  247, 

postal  cards,  247,  253,  411,  413. 

postscripts,  254. 

sealing-wax,  253. 

subscription,  239,  240,  247,  248. 

superscription,  247,  248. 

write  every  letter  carefully,  251,/ 


INDEX. 


435 


writing  to  servants,  254. 

Luncheon,  141,  147. 
costumes,  146. 
invitations,  147. 
progressive,  i.^S-49. 

Manners,  American,  9,  56,  366,  409. 
book  of,  should  be  studied  by  young 
persons,  46,  367,  368,  370. 
political  importance  of  good,  10. 

Marriage,  255-63. 

Married  name,  285, 

Matinees,  at  home,  etc.,  153-160. 

Maxims,  Washington’s  422-28. 

Miscellaneous  rules  of  behavior,  350, 
419-21. 

Miss,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  237,  238. 

Mohammed,  quoted,  22. 

Moods,  388. 

Mourning  calls,  61. 

Mourning,  266,  333-37- 
children  wear,  335. 
complimentary,  214,  337. 
costumes  for  gentlemen,  335. 
for  brothers  and  sisters,  335. 
for  father,  mother  and  children,  334. 

grand-parents,  335. 
invitation  to  friends  in,  102. 
seclusion  of  the  family,  336. 
re-entering  society,  337. 
widow  wears,  334. 

Names,  296. 

Napkins,  the,  116,  118,  128,  132,  135, 
136,  140,  143,  149. 

New  Year’s  calls,  91-96. 
cards,  93. 
costumes,  93. 
duration  of,  94. 
hours  for  calling,  92. 
in  New  York,  94. 
not  at  home,  91. 
upon  the  President,  94. 

New  York  City  sets  the  fashions  in 
etiquette,  10. 

Not  at  home,  92. 

Odors,  204. 

Opera  and  theatre,  210-13,  404. 

Overcoats,  overshoes  and  umbrellas, 

43,  87,  94,  386. 

Parties,  172-73. 
see  Balls  and  parties,  161. 

Partners,  165. 

Perfumes,  204. 

P.  P.  C.;  see  Visiting  cards,  55,  59. 

Precedence,  at  breakfast,  146. 
at  dinner,  108,  114. 
in  England,  232. 
introductions,  33,  36. 

Washington,  339-43- 


of  military  officers,  236. 

naval  officers,  237. 
to  daughters  of  hostess,  167. 

Presentation  at  foreign  courts,  38. 
of  guests  at  dinner,  114. 

President  of  the  United  States,  ad- 
dressed, 233,  234,  235,  339. 
presentations  to,  38,  339-40. 
receptions  of,  38,  94,  339-40. 

Presents,  wedding,  280. 

Quietness  of  well-bred  people,  346, 
380. 

Reception,  afternoon,  153-60. 
arrival  of  guests,  155. 
cards  at,  65. 
dancing.  157. 

day,  weekly,  63,  69,  70,  76,  90. 
entrance  of  guests,  156. 
invitations,  154. 
leave-taking,  158. 
length  of  time  to  remain,  156. 
no,  day,  72. 

other  entertainments  at,  157. 
refreshments,  156. 
toilet,  77. 

Receiving  visitors,  77. 

Regrets,  in  third  person,  97. 
send,  98,  99,  100,  158. 

Relatives,  introducing,  35. 

Ring,  the,  273. 

Rosewater,  230. 

Royalty,  see  Titles,  etc. 

Russian  dinner — diner  a la  Russe,  115. 

Salutations,  39-44. 
test  of  good  breeding,  39,  41. 
the  bow,  39,  40. 
see  also  Bow,  a. 

School-room,  etiquette  of  the,  302-305. 

Seat  of  honor,  at  dinner,  114,  353. 
in  a carriage,  353. 

Servants,  311-28. 
appropriate  dress,  312. 
butler,  his  dress,  315. 

duties,  317,  319. 
coachman,  dress,  314. 
cook,  dress,  326. 

duties,  326, 
cook’s  assistant,  321. 
dining-room  and  parlor  maid,  dress, 
315- 

duties,  326,  327. 
footmen,  315. 
first  footman,  319. 
second  footman,  322. 
gloves,  314,  315. 
head  nurse,  dress,  315. 
duties,  315. 

house-keeper,  dress,  316. 
duties,  316,  317. 


436 


INDEX. 


working,  317. 
kitchen  servants,  316. 
lady’s  maid,  319. 
liveries,  3i3>  3i4>  315- 
nursery  governess,  dress,  315. 

duties,  320,  321. 
nursery  maid,  321. 
valet,  318. 
waiter,  326,  327. 

Selfish  young  men,  31, 

Signatures,  239-40.  248. 

Singing,  363. 

Slang,  199,  304. 

Smoking,  378,  403. 

Society,  foundation  of,  12. 

Soiree,  159-60. 
costume  at.  160. 

Speech,  purity  of.  197-99,  360,  393. 

Sponsors,  297,  298,  299. 

Spoon,  the,  127, 134,  143. 

Stairs,  up  and  down,  349,  408. 

Step,  keeping,  349,  407, 

Stranger,  calling  on,  88. 
invitations  to,  163. 

Street  cars,  350. 

Street,  etiquette  of  the,  347-48. 

Superiors  and  inferiors,  381. 

Supper,  150-52. 
bachelors’,  150-51. 
for  balls  and  parties,  152. 

Sympathy,  expressions  of,  60. 
flowers  as  emblems  of,  60. 


Table,  at,  129-44,  408. 

manners,  129,  144. 

see  also  Dinners,  family  dinners, 
knife  and  fork,  luncheon,  napkins, 
spoons,  etc. 

Talking,  389. 

Tea,  154. 

Teeth,  223. 

Theater,  see  Opera  and  theater. 

Titles,  231-45. 

American,  233-35. 

gentlemen  use  military,  naval  and 
professional,  on  visiting  cards,  49, 
50- 


knights,  244. 

lady  may  prefix,  to  her  name  on 
visiting  card,  49. 
military,  236. 
naval,  237. 

of  courtesy,  231,  232,  242-43. 
dignity,  231,  232,  242. 
honor,  231. 
possession,  231, 
relationship,  231. 
religion,  231,  233.  236,  244,  245. 

Tobacco,  359,  378. 

Toilet,  the,  218-30,  372. 
bath,  the,  221-23,  372,  377. 
complexion,  226-28. 


dressing-room,  for  gentleman,  220. 
for  lady,  219. 

eye-brows  and  lashes,  225. 
freckles,  cause  and  removal,  226-7. 
hair,  the,  224,  377. 

moles,  should  be  treated  by  a sur- 
geon, 226. 
nails,  377. 
teeth,  the,  223. 
skin,  the,  225. 
wrinkles  to,  remove,  228. 

Toothpicks,  378. 

Traveling,  408. 

Umbrella,  see  Overcoat,  etc. 

Uneasiness,  380. 

Uncovering  the  head,  43,  44. 

Visiting  and  visiting-cards,  45-88. 

Visiting-card,  the,  what  it  should  be 
and  what  it  conveys,  45,  48. 

Visiting-cards,  address  in  lower  left 
corner,  50. 

after  an  engagement  of  marriage  is 
announced,  68. 

as  an  expression  of  sympathy,  60. 
at  receptions,  65. 
card  for  a call,  75. 

leaving,  68. 
convenience  cards,  50. 
equivalent  to  a visit,  103. 
etiquette  of,  the  same  everywhere, 
53- 

folding  or  turning  down  the  ends, 
72,  83. 

i for  the  guest,  73. 

: for  the  hostess,  73. 

hours  for  leaving  cards,  61. 
husband’s  cards,  when  may  be  left, 
49- 

introduction  by,  54. 
lady  must  leave,  upon  changing  her 
residence,  59. 
leaves,  for  ladies  only,  86. 
leaving  a sons  card,  65. 
mo’ther  and  daughter,  names  on 
same  card,  50, 
mourning,  102. 
of  condolence,  60,  67,  71,  86. 
gentlemens’,  brought  by  ladies  of 
the  family,  73. 

young  lady  about  to  be  married,  59, 
one  lady  may  leave,  for  the’  familv, 
66. 

post  may  be  used,  when,  54,  7;. 

P-  P-  c.,  55,  59- 

same  in  style  as  a hundred  years 
ago,  53. 

strangers  in  town  should  send,  70, 
style  of,  49. 
to  inquire.  70. 

i what  cards  mean,  48. 


INDEX. 


437 


when  cards  should  be  left,  68. 
lady  is  driving,  6i, 
is  walking,  63. 
left  in  person,  67-8,  102. 
widow  has  no  card,  the  first  year,  50. 
writing  on,  67. 

Visiting-Cards  for  gentlemen,  80-88. 
after  an  entertainment,  82. 
for  whom  he  should  leave,  62,  83. 
how  many  he  should  leave,^83. 
leaves  for  husband  and  wife,  62. 
of  condolence,  86. 
sending  to  strangers,  89. 

Visiting  lists,  59,  72. 
toilet,  77. 

Visiting,  miscellaneous  rules  for,  84-88. 

Visits,  prolonged,  306-310. 
uests,  309. 

ost  and  hostess,  306. 
in  England,  306. 

Washington,  social  life  in,  339-43. 

Washington’s  maxims,  422-28. 

Wealth,  not  necessary  to  refinement, 
18,  23,  24. 

Wedding  anniversaries,  288-94. 
fanciful  names  for,  289. 
golden,  293. 
silver,  291. 

Weddings,  etiquette  of,  264-87. 
announcement,  277. 

“at  home,”  276,  277,  278. 
at  the  home  of  the  bride,  275. 
best  man,  268. 

his  duties,  269. 
bride,  carries  bouquet,  272, 
coming  of  the,  271. 


costume,  271,  277. 
takes  right  arm  of  groom,  283. 
bridegroom,  costume  of,  272. 

pays  for,  what  the,  286. 
bridsmaids,  costume  of,  272. 
costumes,  271-72. 

in  England  and  France,  285. 
engagement,  264. 
fees,  marriage,  286. 
fixing  the  wedding  day,  286. 
flowers,  284. 

friends  in  mourning,  266. 
gifts,  of  the  bride,  281. 

of  the  groom,  281. 
invitations,  267,  268,  277-78. 
journey,  starting  upon  the,  275, 
man  and  wife,  274. 
married  name.  285. 
master  of  ceremonies,  269. 
order  of  entering  the  church,  281. 
presents,  280. 

receptions,  274,  276,  277,  278. 
rehearsal,  268,  283. 
ring,  273,  280. 

ushers,  270,  274,  575,  281,  283,  284. 
weddings,  at  home,  275. 
quiet,  276. 

widow,  marriage  ceremony  of,  279. 
Whistling,  20,  382. 

Wine-drinking,  382. 

Work,  355-58. 

Women,  a nation’s  treatment  of,  13. 
Wrinkles,  to  remove,  228. 

Young  men,  advice  to,  365-428. 

Young  women,  hints  for,  344-64, 


